To not invite this boy over for play dates because of his mother.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

My son is five years old, in Year 1 at school and he has five good friends. All of us moms get on well too.

Our sons do various activities together (sports and other things), we all go on group trips our together and maybe once a month us moms go out together to socialise child-free.

Anyhow, one of the mothers is lovely but quite materialistic (and likes to show off about things) and about six months ago I was round her house with my son as we were preparing to take the boys swimming and she told me that she doesn’t let her son go to anyone’s house (for a play date) unless she has been inside the house herself and looked around it to make sure it’s suitable for her son to spend time there. She told me a tale about one house she’d been in and there were some stains on the carpet and that the bathroom hadn’t looked like it had been cleaned recently and so she wouldn’t let her son go there even though he was really good friends with the woman’s daughter.

I have never invited her son to my house for this reason. He is the only one out of my son’s friends that I haven’t had over to play.

Of the four other friends, this week I have two of the boys coming over after school and next week the other two boys are coming over.

The woman in question cornered me in the school playground this morning and said she felt very hurt that I was excluding her son from the play dates.

Rather than skirt around the issue I told her that if she was only going to allow her son to come and play depending on her judgment of the quality of my house, as opposed to how long she and I have known each other (18 months) and how well our boys get on, then it wasn’t something I wanted to be involved in. I was polite to her about it but I still wanted her to know how uncomfortable I felt about her judgements of others.

She looked furious and stormed off.

But I’m not BU am I ?

Ok, I feel bad that her son isn’t getting invited round when the rest of the boys are, but why should I allow her into my house purely so she can look around it and make an assessment as to whether it’s suitable enough for her son to be in?

That’s not normal behaviour is it?!

"She basically said that I must not like her son and that’s why I haven’t invited him round."

Well this is just an outright lie by her to try and browbeat you into giving in.

I think your husband has a better measure of her than you do, in all honesty - I don't think she's a nice person at all, despite you trying to believe that she is.

I don't know WHY it's so fucking important for her to see round your house but it's becoming such a massive issue now that there's unlikely to be any way round it.

I'm sorry for her son because this is a situation that SHE has created and will continue to create as he gets older, and it will be less "reasonable" in other people's eyes as the kids get older and there is less "need" for it. She needs help, in all honesty.

For now though, I think you need a chance to re-set so probably avoidance for the immediate future will be the best plan - but only for the next few days. And you must go on your mothers' night out - if she chooses not to, that's her look out, but you MUST go. Remember, this is on HER, not you - you haven't done anything wrong.

OP - you should never have entertained ANY notion of her being able to come to your house under any guise when you know full well she would only be there to "assess" your home and then likely critique it behind your back with others.

That she effectively cut the phone call off shows you all you need to know.

She is not worth ANY of your time at all. Smile, move on and let her fester in her own self importance / shit.

What a mess. If she has been gossiping about the state of others houses then frankly if she had been into yours and said the same it would have undermined her opinion rather than affirm it.

Now with refusing, then letting her come then backing out that really will be the subject of her gossip., 'how bad must it be for her to refuse then let us come then back out' etc etc.

But that's done, hiding now will only provide her with the space she needs to discuss it at the school gates with your friends.

I personally would just have her round, clean up tell her we are about to decorate xyz replace xyz whatever as part of your conversation and done.

Really when will mum's realise their friendships with school mums is secondary to those of their children.

But that's done, hiding now will only provide her with the space she needs to discuss it at the school gates with your friends.

I’ve actually had one of the other moms text me this morning to ask if I’m ok as the HVM rang her and started raging about how I won’t let her son in my house

I’m really annoyed that she’s involved one of the other moms, why try and cause a divide and animosity between us all?

I replied to the mom and said it was just a miscommunication, it was complicated and that it was best if she didn’t get drawn in to it.

Just tell the other mums that she expected a full tour, and knowing what she's like, you said "no".

Yes, you do need to get ahead of her outrage here. Stay calm, stay polite, but explain to them what she was asking for. She DID ask for it, you're not making it up! Say that unfortunately the idea of being evaluated like that made you feel hideous, so it couldn't go ahead. They will be nodding along with you by this point, I guarantee it.

The other mums haven't invited her over themselves, and they know about her previous critique of sometimes carpet stains etc.

Just tell the truth - you very kindly had a private chat letting her know you weren't comfortable giving a full tour, which she expected. She then ambushed you in front of everyone. You again chatted privately and she's ungainly that she won't get the full tour, so she is the one going nuclear by handing up and involving others. Get your side out today.

I’m really annoyed that she’s involved one of the other moms, why try and cause a divide and animosity between us all?

because she's a bully and didn't get her way

So many autocorrects!

Sometimes carpet stains = someone's carpet stains

Handing up = hanging up
She's ungainly that she won't get the full tour = told her she won't get the full tour

Why wouldn’t you tell the other mum everything?

If you don’t set the record straight to begin with then CF mum will let people believe it’s all your fault and you’re being a terrible bully to her and her DS. The other mums will think you the unhinged one and will most likely ostracise you (because who wouldn’t if they truly thought you were bullying a child)

You need to be very clear with everyone including CF mum as to why she won’t allow her son over.

If this tells you anything, it is that you were absolutely correct not to let her in your house

Your husband is right about her.

Do not entertain any ideas about reinviting her son. She is enjoying the drama. That's the only reason to involve anyone else. You have been very kind to her, you chatted to her privately, she broadcast her complaints about you to whomever will listen.

The others know what you're like, so don't worry about them.

I'd actually be clear in the text that the other boy was absolutely welcome, he has been invited many times, but his mother won't let him come if she can't have a judgmental tour of the house.

OP,
She is a bully.

Do not allow her to do this.

Tell it like it is. She wanted a full inspections of your house and you are not having it. End of.

She has shown you exactly who she is.
Your husband has seen her clearly.

Wake up and stop trying to be friends with someone who is a nasty, manipulative bully.

Ring the Mum back and tell her exactly what has occurred.

Own the fact that you will not have your house inspected by some Batshit woman that you were kind enough to loan your car to.

This has nothing to do with her son, and everything to do with her being a bully.

I have four children who have gone through primary school and I've seen all sorts of people.

She is the sort who will cause drama and ugliness all through school. She will be the gossip who has nothing nice to say.

Within the first year you see who is who.

The very worst thing you can do is try and take the high ground and say nothing.

You need to contact that other mother, tell her how upset you are at her harrassment of you and how she just hasn't left you alone since cornering you in the yard.

If needs be, set up a What'sapp group of the other mothers and let them know. No nastiness, just stating the obvious, that you are not going to submit to a full inspection of your home to assess cleanliness for anyone.

State it calmly and plainly that she refuses to leave you alone.

Agree with pp, tell your friends what happened.

It’s not bitching or gossiping to tell them that the boy is welcome over and you’ve invited him several times now, but you won’t give her a full tour of the house so she can decide if your house passes inspection.

I understand you not wanting to involve anyone else but if she keeps telling people then I think it's only right you tell them your side of the story.
I can't imagine for one minute they will be judging you!
She's bat shit crazy and I for one wouldn't allow anyone in to check my house first!

I actually think you are really awful, OP.

If anyone has read any of the OPs previous threads (you have a distinctive user name, I haven't gone fishing), you'll see she has a history of causing a massive furore and then painting herself as the victim.

And all this bollocks about hoping it doesn't cause an issue with "group dynamics" is total faux innocence. I think you're probably wetting your knickers at the idea of it causing an issue and her being excluded (after all you've already admitted that you and the other mums have bitched about her previously). You can use this situation (which you engineered, stoked up and then cancelled) to make her look even worse. Well done you.

And to the previous PP who asked whether the OP had said that she would get her husband to take the children out this morning so that she could clean her house (which OP then denied), that is exactly what the OP said - interesting she cannot keep her story straight even on this thread.

You've succeeded in excluding a 5 year old boy from social situations, because you don't like his mum. There was a thread on here a while ago (www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3690195-How-should-I-reply-to-this-text) which reminds me of this situation - except you are C in this scenario.

I think you're a really spiteful bully and I live in dread of meeting mums like you at the school gates when my son goes to school this year.

'If anyone has read any of the OPs previous threads (you have a distinctive user name, I haven't gone fishing), you'll see she has a history of causing a massive furore and then painting herself as the victim.'

Do agree to some degree to be honest

They always seem to take a certain pattern.

They always go a certain way.

I think this woman is a manipulative bully. She is making her child unhappy and using that to push you to do things you are uncomfortable with. She is now trying to poison and turn your friends against you. I think you need to fill your friends in on the truth before she causes any more damage.

If anyone has read any of the OPs previous threads (you have a distinctive user name, I haven't gone fishing), you'll see she has a history of causing a massive furore and then painting herself as the victim.

Nailed it. I thought exactly the same

@Chocrock, what a load of crap. What "damage"? The only one being damaged is the other mother's child because the OP and her similarly bitchy friends have manufactured a reason to exclude that child from their playdates.

I suspect that there is an element of jealousy here about the other mother's wealth - but now the OP gets to take the moral high ground because (shock horror) the other mother wants to know that she is sending her child somewhere safe for a playdate.

What other threads?!

Wanting to see the place your 5 year old will be going unsupervised to make sure it is ok is prudent and far from unreasonable. All people, even if subconsciously, do this. The only problem is she is a bit vocal about doing it.

You have built this up into a bigger drama than needs be. I bet all the other mums have now had a conversation about what you are so ashamed of/are hiding!!

Would she really be more judgemental telling the other mums that your hallway needs a repaint than you have been saying she is showing off a new TV/materialistic?

And stuck in the midst of all this a 5 year old child that you are playing an equal part in upsetting and excluding for petty reasons.

Honestly I don't think this is resolvable now, too much has been said. The friendship group (child and adult) has now been left in an ongoing untenable position and something will need to change.

Queen this is a mess, you handled it all so perfectly right up u till you asked her over. Honestly i feel like if you’d not bothered posting about it you’d have stuck to your guns and been fine. The incessant posters banging on about how you were excluding her son and being unreasonable have worn down your resolve, but you weren’t excluding her son as well you know.

I firmly believe we should all be entitled to hold our own boundaries and should not be shamed for having them. I would feel incredibly uncomfortable about having someone inspect my home to assess whether it’s up to their standards of cleanliness, she has her boundaries as to what she finds acceptable for levels of cleanliness, fine she has her boundaries you have yours. Easiest solution is that neither of you let your boundaries be crossed and that her kid doesn’t come to your house. She’s unreasonable to expect you to let your boundaries be crossed in favour of hers.

OP, you've done everything I would do in your situation – HVM is being unbelievably out of order for insisting that she inspects your house for her approval rating – but why on earth won't you tell your friends what's happened? Frankly, you owe this woman no favours and as you already know that she routinely slags people off, why wouldn't you want to stop her spreading more crap about you?

What other threads?