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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for a financial contribution?

307 replies

Drivingmecrazy105 · 14/01/2020 19:26

A colleague of mine recently became unwell and has unfortunately had her driving licence removed. We both live in the same town about an hours drive from our place of work and she has asked me if I can drive her to and from work, every day. There is public transport available but it is infrequent and unreliable and no one else in our workplace who lives locally. She doesn’t live on my route and I have to drive in the opposite direction to and from her home. Every week this adds over an hour to my driving time.

Now whilst I am happy to help, colleague has not offered any sort of financial contribution to help with petrol or the extra time it takes me to drive past my own house to take her home. Her own husband also works from home but doesn’t help out, even by bringing her to my house to save me the daily detour.

WIBU to ask her for a financial contribution? And if not, what can I do to make the conversation less awkward?!

OP posts:
Plumbus · 14/01/2020 21:40

Appropriate username is appropriate.

Murinae · 14/01/2020 21:41

If you loose your licence for medical reasons you can get help through something called access to work to pay for buses or taxis

www.gov.uk/access-to-work

BrickTop999 · 14/01/2020 21:44

Id offer this a couple of days a week max, with a financial contribution. She can take public transport on other days and also hubbie to help out. That will make it much more bearable all round

OnTheEdgeOfTheNight · 14/01/2020 21:45

She may already know about the access to work scheme, and just not have mentioned it to the OP. It certainly doesn't sound like the colleague is overly concerned with doing what's right or fair.

comingintomyown · 14/01/2020 21:48

I wouldn’t ask for money as it sort means you are forming an arrangement. I would say I’m ok to do the lifts for a couple of weeks while you suss out timetables etc and your DH looks at his work schedule but not for any longer.
I would say , without using the word sorry, that the drive time is your head space and time to think/unwind

blue25 · 14/01/2020 21:54

Just stop doing it. Say you’re going to the gym before & after work so won’t be around.

74NewStreet · 14/01/2020 22:01

Why are you chauffeuring her to her door? Tell her to be at your house by x time in the morning, and that her dh will have to pick her up from yours at the end of the day.

Chewbecca · 14/01/2020 22:03

I wouldn’t ask for money. (No need for you to profit from the arrangement, you are going anyway plus it formalises it too much. She should say thank you appropriately at some point,)
I would ask her to get dropped and collected from your house.
I would leave early / go in late, just continue flexing as it suited me and just let her know she will need to make alternative arrangements that day.

Chloemol · 14/01/2020 22:04

IF it’s long term I would say to her that she needs to get herself to your house and back from yours in the evening. Then it’s up to her if she walks, gets a taxi etc. Then the petrol costs don’t go up.

underneaththeash · 14/01/2020 22:06

An hour to your time every day?

That's not workable. I Just offer only if she's dropped to and from your house and even then say there's going to be days that you're not going to be able to do it.

SpeckledyHen · 14/01/2020 22:10

I would ask her if she is going to get a job closer to her home now that she is no longer a driver....

GabriellaMontez · 14/01/2020 22:10

Address this ASAP. The longer it goes on, the harder it's going to get.

Sillyscrabblegames · 14/01/2020 22:11

First of all if she contributes are you happy with the extra time or is your ideal scenario that hubby meets at yours?

You need to be sure what you want--if he is late to collect her you then have another awkward situation where you start inviting her in.

Once you have decided on this Say... Do you still need lifts next week?
She says yes please
You say OK, do you want to cover the. Cost of splitting the petrol in advance or do you want me to add up the miles and work it out that way? (This is called giving a toddler options but no way out)
She says whatever she says
If you like it you say OK sounds good, if you don't like it you say ill think about that and come back to you Then you can decline By text or counter offer without the awkward conversation.

If you also want hubby to do the leg from yours to their house, it goes like this... Do you need lifts next week?
She says yes
You say OK that's no prob, from next week we will need to meet at my house and I Will drop you back as far as mine. We can expect to get back to mine by xx o clock.
You can then move onto the fuel contribution lines above if you want to.

Repeat each week.

If it gets to the point you really don't want to do it, just say, sorry I won't be able to do it next week. And if pressed, sorry I have other commitments next week. See you at the office. Repeat as necessary or. Resume the arrangement on terms you are. Happy with.

Be vague and don't start trying to justify anything at all.

ByeMF · 14/01/2020 22:12

She's being a CF not to have offered.

shiningstar2 · 14/01/2020 22:17

There is no reason why you should have to add an hour to your day indefinitely in order to help out a colleague.That would irritate me more than the lack of a financial contribution as it adds stress at both ends of a busy day at the most busy times of the day.

I would definitely make it clear that you can only continue helping out if her dh drops her and picks up from yours.

Once that is established it is perfectly reasonable to expect a financial contribution. Get the other bit sorted first though op or she will think that she is 'paying you' for coming the extra distance.

Chihaha · 14/01/2020 22:18

She might know about AtW but it would mean paying out the public transport costs (before bus pass if applicable) and AtW then meet the shortfall. Not your problem OP but AtW doesnt cover it all.

ssd · 14/01/2020 22:18

Stop being keen to help op. She's not your problem. You have helped and she's taking the piss. End of. It's up to her and her dh to get a solution.
Grow a backbone and deal with her.

pallisers · 14/01/2020 22:27

There’s also the odd occasion where I need to leave early/ late and she’s had to get public transport home and I can see her not being happy about paying when she has to get the bus.

typical. But she is perfectly happy to have you transport her for free.
Either end the arrangement completely or tell her you will drive her if she gets to and from your house and also makes a contribution to petrol. You can have that conversation very pleasantly - or write a pleasant email.

I'd opt to end the arrangement completely

Branster · 14/01/2020 22:27

Her DH should drop off and pick up from your house and this way you shouldn’t ask for petrol contribution because you wouldn’t be incurring any extra petrol expenses.

AnuvvaMuvva · 14/01/2020 22:39

It adds an hour to your driving every week. So 6 minutes a day - I'm guessing she must live about 1.5minutes' drive from your house, so it's adding 3 minutes in the morning and 3 at night... Is that right? (As she lives in the opposite direction to your work.)

I don't think you can expect to cut this whole arrangement short without making the small office environment REALLY uncomfortable. But you can ask her to make her own way to/from your house in future... Or just run her over one day.

AnuvvaMuvva · 14/01/2020 22:39

Oh GOD my maths! She lives 3 minutes' drive from you. So about 1/2 a mile?

Madcatwoman68 · 14/01/2020 22:40

Yes. You are correct the petrol would not cost more but she is getting a free lift to work.
A contribution would be polite .

Pumpkinpie1 · 14/01/2020 22:41

I am amazed you didn’t ask her about paying for petrol etc in the first place, the fact she hasn’t offered is ridiculous
I think she should be making her way to your house too she’s taken the mickey for long enough x x

Snowman123 · 14/01/2020 22:44

She has put you in a really awkward situation. She's getting a free commute and I would like to think that most people would see this as unreasonable and would have offered to contribute to the costs. But here we are.....

Yes your going that way anyway... but great now you have someone to share the costs with.

First of all you need to think about whether you really want to do this. Its a big commitment. If you don't - think of an excuse and end the arrangement ( I know someone who always used to say they had somewhere else to be after work to avoid giving someone a lift).

If you do then you need to have the awkward contribution about costs. I would go along the "Its great we can lift share now. How do you think we should split the costs" - see what her response is.

Tistheseason17 · 14/01/2020 22:44

There have been threads over the years where posters have got stuck in these type of arrangements - once you start, it's more difficult to stop.

Her situation is not your issue to resolve.

Just say, "I'm ever so sorry, this does not work for me as I have my own commitments - I hope your family can help you to resolve it"