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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for a financial contribution?

307 replies

Drivingmecrazy105 · 14/01/2020 19:26

A colleague of mine recently became unwell and has unfortunately had her driving licence removed. We both live in the same town about an hours drive from our place of work and she has asked me if I can drive her to and from work, every day. There is public transport available but it is infrequent and unreliable and no one else in our workplace who lives locally. She doesn’t live on my route and I have to drive in the opposite direction to and from her home. Every week this adds over an hour to my driving time.

Now whilst I am happy to help, colleague has not offered any sort of financial contribution to help with petrol or the extra time it takes me to drive past my own house to take her home. Her own husband also works from home but doesn’t help out, even by bringing her to my house to save me the daily detour.

WIBU to ask her for a financial contribution? And if not, what can I do to make the conversation less awkward?!

OP posts:

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 14/01/2020 20:04

What are her plans for when you are on leave, or off sick? Do NOT get tied into this arrangement OP! Nip it in the bud now.

Original poster

Drivingmecrazy105 · 14/01/2020 20:06

I should also add that we work in a very small department so I wouldn’t feel comfortable being too blunt about it! There’s also the odd occasion where I need to leave early/ late and she’s had to get public transport home and I can see her not being happy about paying when she has to get the bus.

OP posts:

ffswhatnext · 14/01/2020 20:06

But she has another way to get to work, her husband. It's in his best interests as well to ensure that both of them can get to work regardless of where he works from.
Instead of it being a their problem, she has turned it into a your problem.

KTheGrey · 14/01/2020 20:07

How is this your problem? She could perfectly well get her DH to drive you both one week and you drive the other week, but instead it all falls on you, who never married her. She needs to give something back somehow.

Curiosity101 · 14/01/2020 20:08

@Drivingmecrazy105 I had a similar arrangement with a colleague I used to work for. I was 19 yo at the time. My boyfriend would drop me off at a carpark that was on the way for the colleague and then he would drive me the rest of the way. It was only for a few days for a few weeks.

Long story short he ended up having a go at me one day because 'I hadn't even offered to pay him anything towards petrol'. It genuinely had never crossed my mind to offer, but if he'd have asked I'd have been more than happy to contribute. Instead it'd obviously bugged him and instead of bringing it up he let it build up until he was really annoyed.

Obviously nowadays I'd always think to offer. But some of the suggestions of how to bring it up are really good :) hopefully this person is reasonable and happy to contribute as YANBU. Make sure you're definitely 100% happy with the arrangement in all respects though, not just the financial side of it.

gamerchick · 14/01/2020 20:10

Come on OP, she has options. Tell her that she needs to make her way to your house and from on return and that you want £40 a month from her in advance.

You might find they think it's cheaper for husband to take her.

crosspelican · 14/01/2020 20:16

Hi Sandra, just checked to see what the petrol is for the commute to work it works out at and your half will be £58 for January. You have my bank details from before, right? Happy to help out for the rest of Jan, but I'm not going to be able to help out from February because my plan for 2020 has been to spend the 2 hours in the car every day working on my French/Farsi/Klingon. Hopefully Dave can step in. See you in the morning! DrivingMe

Grumbley · 14/01/2020 20:16

Woah it's a lovely thing to do OP, but please also think about yourself in this scenario. Not only are you going substantially out of your way, but it is a big commitment. When you are on annual leave is she going to make you feel guilty? You already feel awkward about asking for petrol money, which is absolutely more than reasonable. It's sad for her that she has lost her driving license, if it was just for a month or so I would also offer, but you seem to live far enough away that it's not rude to say you can't keep doing it. Obviously up to you, but I've been pulled into a similar trap and it became so horrible that I resigned hah.

crosspelican · 14/01/2020 20:17

(without mangling the 1st sentence, optionally...)

BreconBeBuggered · 14/01/2020 20:18

When I was young a colleague and I got forced into a similar arrangement by other well-meaning colleagues. I don't think either of us wanted the company on the drive there. But even as a clueless youngster I knew I had to give him petrol money and get myself to a road on his route to be picked up. Your colleague is just taking the piss with this arrangement.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 14/01/2020 20:19

Don't ask for a financial contribution if you don't want the job. She might think it's worth the money and then you're stuck.

When you are in the car, just say "I can't do lifts long term I'm afraid but I'm happy to help out till (end date)". If challenged say "it's a problem if I want to go shopping or see a friend after work. I prefer having the flexibility, sorry!"

That gives her time to make other arrangements.

JKScot4 · 14/01/2020 20:22

Why don’t you work out the cost of public transport and suggest slightly less than that?
It’s very tying for you and means you can’t make plans after work, definitely say that you expect a contribution, she’s used to paying for her own fuel why does she think she should get free travel.

AmyFl · 14/01/2020 20:27

She's not happy when she has to get the bus?
But we all have to pay the costs of travelling to and from work (unless one walks).
She is a pain in the arse.

allthesharks · 14/01/2020 20:28

Just tell her you can't do it long term. Say you're happy to drive her until the end of the month when she can get something else sorted. You don't have to be responsible for her. She's a grown woman who should take responsibility for getting herself to work.

1WayOrAnother · 14/01/2020 20:29

She should be offering, you shouldn't have to ask.

Parky04 · 14/01/2020 20:30

She should be contributing at least half to the petrol cost. I would have made that clear before giving her a lift.

janetheimpaler · 14/01/2020 20:31

Don't you need a different insurance policy if you car pool? Taxi insurance? As if you are carrying passengers by arrangement, your normal insurance is null and void?

BigChocFrenzy · 14/01/2020 20:33

"Her DH should take her to and from work"

^^This
He works from home, so he'll have to adjust his hours,
but it's their problem to solve, not yours

midnightmisssuki · 14/01/2020 20:33

Do you have insurance for her if your carrying her by arrangement? She using you OP

carly2803 · 14/01/2020 20:34

not your problem she lost her licence

personally, i would say yes but i leave at x time, you need to be at mine for then

dont offer to pick her up, or drop her off you willget massively resentful. This way it does not put you out too much, and your doing her a favour/less guilt on you

1Morewineplease · 14/01/2020 20:36

But it’s not your fault either.
She’s using you.
You need to tell her that these pick-ups can only continue if she’s willing to share costs.
If you don’t want to pick her up then tell her that from X-date you won’t be able to pick her up any more.
It’s her problem not your’s. Her partner can take her, or she can get public transport.

JKScot4 · 14/01/2020 20:36

Does everyone here inform their insurance if they do a regular lift say to a club? get a grip 🙄 As always MN amazes me with the ridiculous ideas; like phone the police for every bloody thing!

OhioOhioOhio · 14/01/2020 20:37

Omg. That really does sound awful.

BigChocFrenzy · 14/01/2020 20:37

If you don't feel able to stop this immediately, then at least charge her the standard mileage costs

She's only so keen on you taking her because it's free

Also insist - starting tomorrow - that the lifts will only be to / from your house
Her responsibility to get there - AND say you can't wait if she's not there

lljkk · 14/01/2020 20:39

You've got to be direct about it (not blunt, but direct). She's an adult, she needs to solve her own problems. You can be supportive but not be her doormat.

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