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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for a financial contribution?

307 replies

Drivingmecrazy105 · 14/01/2020 19:26

A colleague of mine recently became unwell and has unfortunately had her driving licence removed. We both live in the same town about an hours drive from our place of work and she has asked me if I can drive her to and from work, every day. There is public transport available but it is infrequent and unreliable and no one else in our workplace who lives locally. She doesn’t live on my route and I have to drive in the opposite direction to and from her home. Every week this adds over an hour to my driving time.

Now whilst I am happy to help, colleague has not offered any sort of financial contribution to help with petrol or the extra time it takes me to drive past my own house to take her home. Her own husband also works from home but doesn’t help out, even by bringing her to my house to save me the daily detour.

WIBU to ask her for a financial contribution? And if not, what can I do to make the conversation less awkward?!

OP posts:
Aglet · 16/01/2020 10:32

Definitely ask for a contribution, although that, too can be an issue. My son was asked by colleagues to take them to and from work, often having to go out of his way. They readily agreed to contribute, but eventually stopped offering. He got fed up having to ask them and told them to f----k off.

ralfeesmum · 16/01/2020 11:11

Oh dear! Why will people try and take Good Samaritans for mugs? Still, life if full of freeloaders......like your friend.

WillLokireturn · 16/01/2020 11:23

I would go with what @TorkTorkBam says but cut it down

Hi CF, I've realised we never talked about how long you'd need the emergency lifts. Tbh I thought you'd have the long term arrangements sorted by now. So to be clear, I'm happy to give you lifts for the rest of this week -and- -if- -you- -are- -really- -desperate- -part- -of- -next- -week- -too-. You probably already know this but you can get travel help through . Don't worry about giving me petrol money for the lifts so far, a bottle of something do well enough! See you tomorrow.*

And her advice on her second comment was also brilliant.

OP you don't want to do it, it's affecting you, you have your own family, needs for space, and she has hers. You have already helped her out but she needs to make long the rm arrangements. You don't need to feel guilty or solve this for her, you've already helped but this is hers and her family's responsibility. She's not your best friend nor sister.
They say Visitors staying at your house go off after 3 days like fish, and I suspect people expecting a lift to and from work and pick ups go "off" after 2 weeks! You can't force yourself to want to nor like doing it, so do what someone with good boundaries has, and say you'll do up to end of this week to help her, she's had plenty of time to make other long term arrangements now.

People respect someone with good boundaries but not those they can manipulate. She's not even put her hand in her pocket despite all the lifts so far. I'm guessing she'll try to offer something minimal but as it Deane suit you, it's ok to say you're unable to continue. Don't explain or feel you need to justify.

WillLokireturn · 16/01/2020 11:24

Strike through fail!!!!

jwpetal · 16/01/2020 13:11

Don't feel like a mug. This is called car pooling and that is what many people do. Before you start, set up your boundaries. Up front payment of petrol and have her get to your house in the morning and drop off in the evening. Explain the times you leave and set boundary that if she is late that you will leave. Also make clear if there are days that you cannot drive or how you will communicate. Explain that you will try it for a month and then will review if it is working. Her situation with her husband is not your problem. it is hers. You set the boundaries of how it would work for you and she has to take responsibility from there.

UYScuti · 16/01/2020 13:13

Exactly what she tried to do with carpooling by stealth where she gets everything to her advantage because you don't know the rules of carpooling!

PH30B3 · 16/01/2020 13:32

When I started my current position I found a few people lived locally including one who didn't drive and they was wanting to car share I nipped it in the bud straight away I just don't want to be responsible for another adult getting to work I don't like small talk either. I have previously and would again go out of my way as a one off favour if a car was in the garage or something or a couple of days if somebody was injured but definitely never long term.

bnotts · 16/01/2020 14:34

My OH had a head injury last year which led to him having his driving licence removed for at least a year. He now travels for an hour to and an hour from work by two buses. It often takes longer. Not eligible for Access to Work. Buses are late, slow and it is a pain but he would never impose on anyone else. Occasionally in terrible weather he will accept a lift to a closer bus stop.

Pritchyx · 16/01/2020 15:49

My car basically broke down last year on my way to work on a Monday morning. I managed to get it home and had to use a day of annual leave because I had no way of getting in. A colleague of mine lives 2 streets away and I asked her if she could take me in for the remainder of the week - she said yes. Straight away I offered her petrol money or to pay for parking that week. She declined it. I did leave a £20 note in the cup holder on the drive home on the Friday to say thank you!

It doesn’t hurt to say “shall I give you some petrol money or pay for parking”... even a fiver is better than nothing!!

maddy68 · 16/01/2020 15:51

Just say , " actually even though I have to drive in the opposite direction to the way I ho to work, it's nice having the company on the journey and sharing the fuel costs will be really helpful "

NewPapaGuinea · 16/01/2020 15:56

Would piss me off if I was funding and providing a colleague’s commute to work, whilst they get the benefits of saving money and effort.

KarmaStar · 16/01/2020 18:26

Hi op,
You're very kind to be considering helping this lady although it sounds as if your hand has been forced!
If her licence has been removed due to illl health she is entitled to a free bus pass so perhaps her husband can take her to a bus stop?
Also,I understand,that in this situation ,you can get a free taxi to and from your place of employment.However this is what I was told last week I have not yet looked into it.
Do put your own health first,don't feel obliged because she is not your responsibility.
Good luck.Flowers

Highonpotandused · 16/01/2020 18:28

@maddy68

Just say , " actually even though I have to drive in the opposite direction to the way I ho to work, it's nice having the company on the journey and sharing the fuel costs will be really helpful "

This is terrible advice. OP has just said she wants headspace, not company Confused

Holdencaulfieldshomeboy · 16/01/2020 19:51

People can be so rude. I will always give petrol money, and thank them. They are doing me a huge favour and I really appreciate that. You have to simply tell her she needs to contribute or you can't drive her anymore. She will be saving a small fortune herself now she no longer has the car, so you know she isn't short of the money.

Alpal1 · 16/01/2020 21:00

I think you need to talk to her and tell her how you feel. Things can’t go on and will get worse if you don’t clear the air.

If you really feel guilty about it, maybe offer lifts part-time e.g. two days a week with petrol included. But I suggest hold the offer back till you test the water. In your shoes I would definitely give her fair warning. You dont want her moaning about you at work.

Ultimately it is your car, your choice. You can’t live people’s lives for them and sound like a kind person.

katkit · 16/01/2020 21:13

Good luck OP.

Deadsouls · 16/01/2020 21:15

Ask her to meet you at your house and go from there and ask for a financial contribution towards petrol. Incredibly rude of her not to offer

Cassandrainthenight · 17/01/2020 11:24

Don't feel guilty - there's no need - don't make any excuses or apologize - just give her a deadline to sort out her own arrangement and stop doing it afterwards.

Cassandrainthenight · 17/01/2020 11:34

@Kez0777z0777

^^I know I'm being a total mug and this post has made me pissed off all night 🙈
I commented this morning how I wasn't putting the heating on as it already cost £60 a month to travel to work and all I got back was "oh!"
I wouldn't even know how to broach it now^^

They obviously need to be told bluntly and directly.
Either text with the sum which would take the pain of the arrangement away(but then enforcing it might be difficult or if they don't pay what are you supposed to do, beg?) or text with the deadline, no need to explain, say can't do it any more from 1st of February.

Cassandrainthenight · 17/01/2020 11:39

Sorry can't seem to do italics lately 😟

Greyhound22 · 17/01/2020 13:18

I think you would look like a real prick if you are going there and back at the same time as her and you said you wouldn't take her.

Absolutely ask her for a contribution and ask if her husband can drop her off and pick her up if you want. Also don't let it interfere with plans - so if you want to go shopping etc let her know you won't be able to then she can either get public transport or a lift.

It's got to be pretty serious for her indefinitely having her licence took off her and she's dealing with all that as well. It could be you next year OP.

Butterflyflower1234 · 17/01/2020 13:25

So I'm assuming if you work full time over 5 days then this works out as 12 minutes extra per day so 6 minutes each way? So this means you're likely doing an extra 6 miles per day so 30 miles per week. Again if you estimate 15p per mile that works out to £4.50 per week or £18 per month.

Of course these are all assumptions working off a 5 day week. If you want to insist your colleagues gives you money then as a minimum it'll be £18pm.

Or you could suggest she gets dropped off to your house.

SallyLovesCheese · 17/01/2020 13:32

"Hi colleague, just wanted to check in regarding what your long term plans are? I'm happy to carry on until the end of next week, but obviously it can't be an indefinite plan as it adds time and cost at my expense. Can you check that after x date you'll be able to make your own way?"

Don't send this! Her future travel plans are nothing to do with you and it leaves it open for her to come back and say she can't make her own way in. Then it'll be much harder for you to stop giving lifts.

Just explain it how it is - you need space in the morning, it's your only time away from your family and you just need the time with nobody around.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 17/01/2020 13:54

I don't know if you've said anything to your colleague @Drivingmecrazy105, if you haven't I'd go with "Hi colleague, I wanted to let you know that I won't be able to drive you to/from work from next Mon/Tues/Wed/whenever is best for you OP. You will have to make your own way into work and home again after that date. Bringing you into work and home again was always to be a temporary arrangement and it no longer works for me to do this."

I wouldn't go into how you need your quiet time in the morning (as she may agree to be quiet on the commute) or other reasoning. You just need to tell her that it no longer works for you to be her chauffeur and that is that. If she isn't able to get into/out of work under her own steam, she needs to discuss this with her manager and they need to sort it out between themselves. Your car is no longer an option for her to be in it!

Hugtheduggee · 17/01/2020 14:30

I'm not sure that the husband doing the whole journey is viable long term either. Its an extra 4 hours out of his working day, which if (and I appreciate it's a big if) he's also having to do stuff for children, extra responsibilities at home because of a poorly wife etc, sounds very tricky indeed. Even without extra responsibilities, 4 hours a day is a big commitment, when the OP lives so close.

I can totally understand that it's not her problem, and why she would prefer not to give the lift, but the financial impact is pretty small (most of the journey is the same) and if the husband drops her off at your house, and is reliable about doing so,cut won't cost any extra in terms of time or commitment. What it does do though, is take away the OPs peace, and I totally get how annoying that would be.

Perhaps agreeing to do it for say, 3 days a week (you have commitments on the other days) and ensuring either a financial contribution or the husband drop her off at yours. I think fully splitting the journey costs might be an option, as then you actually gain something financially from your inconvenience.