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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for a financial contribution?

307 replies

Drivingmecrazy105 · 14/01/2020 19:26

A colleague of mine recently became unwell and has unfortunately had her driving licence removed. We both live in the same town about an hours drive from our place of work and she has asked me if I can drive her to and from work, every day. There is public transport available but it is infrequent and unreliable and no one else in our workplace who lives locally. She doesn’t live on my route and I have to drive in the opposite direction to and from her home. Every week this adds over an hour to my driving time.

Now whilst I am happy to help, colleague has not offered any sort of financial contribution to help with petrol or the extra time it takes me to drive past my own house to take her home. Her own husband also works from home but doesn’t help out, even by bringing her to my house to save me the daily detour.

WIBU to ask her for a financial contribution? And if not, what can I do to make the conversation less awkward?!

OP posts:

BigChocFrenzy · 14/01/2020 20:39

YANBU

Don't "ask" for a contribution
Work out at least half your petrol costs and tell her that's the only way you'll do it

BigChocFrenzy · 14/01/2020 20:41

"Does everyone here inform their insurance if they do a regular lift say to a club? get a grip"

It's only becuse so many MNers apparently can't just say "no" to such requests and need an excuse

Redonion123 · 14/01/2020 20:42

I agree, she should be contributing.

Why did she loose her license? You said for health reasons. That means you could be chauffeuring her for a long time.

Definitely ask for petrol money. I agree, say you can do it until x, but then you’d like a contribution to petrol. Also explain that you have plans to go shopping, do overtime, visit friends, go to the gym etc, so can’t commit to doing it everyday. If she complains about the bus, suggest she makes arrangements for her dh to pick her up.

ZorbaTheHoarder · 14/01/2020 20:42

Why on earth is her husband not driving her to work every day?
Because they've found you to sponge off...

I know you are worried about saying no and then having to work with her, but if you don't stand up for yourself now and put a stop to this arrangement, you will end up feeling massively unhappy and resentful!

Just say "I'm sorry, but this doesn't work for me" and don't go into any more detail.

Good luck!

Original poster

Drivingmecrazy105 · 14/01/2020 20:44

Thanks for your replies everyone, reading this back has made me realise how ridiculous this arrangement actually is! I fully sympathise with her situation and I’m keen to help but it’s really not manageable long term.

OP posts:

BarbedBloom · 14/01/2020 20:47

I wouldn't commit long term. I know someone who did this and then other woman got snippy when friend was on annual leave or unwell. Also sometimes she wanted to go shopping or to meet friends after work and it caused her issues. When friend got another job this woman was really angry because friend hadn't talked to her first before deciding on the new role.

I would give her a date you can help to, drop her at your house for her to walk home and ask for money.

Highonpotandused · 14/01/2020 20:49

OP, give her notice that you won't be able to help from Monday. She's a CF. A decent person offers a contribution from day 1. And expecting you to go out of your way is terrible.

Notwiththeseknees · 14/01/2020 20:49

So basically, you are her taxi!

I would mention something to her at the end of the week so she has the weekend to make other arrangements.
Otherwise, either take some holiday so she has to travel independently from you, then if she mentions lifts on your return, tell her you are sorry, you didn't realise it was a permanent thing and you prefer to travel alone as it is your personal down time.
Or, you can say, you were thinking while you were off how much to ask as a fuel contribution. Does she think x is reasonable & make it over half as you drive to pick her up, drive back past yours and the same on return and take your time into account. Or get a quote from a taxi firm & charge her 75% of that.
I would have done a week gratis, maybe two tops. Anything more and it is into CF territory if she's not paying her way! Don't forget, she's saving her own petrol, wear & tear and doesn't have to concentrate on driving!

BonnesVacances · 14/01/2020 21:02

Just ask her what her long term plans are re the lifts to work.

Ellmau · 14/01/2020 21:05

"BTW, Colleague, have you managed to make any long term arrangements for your travel to work? Of course, I've been happy to help out as an emergency, but obviously I can't keep on indefinitely. Oh, and I've worked out that you owe me £X for the extra petrol up to today, so could you let me have that tomorrow please?"

ffswhatnext · 14/01/2020 21:06

It's how some cf's work. Wouldn't surprise me if somehow she had convinced you how it was a good thing for you. Some of them can be very manipulative.

I would be very tempted to ring in the morning that the car won't start, on their way past can they pick you up. Her response would be very telling.

Justgivemesomepeace · 14/01/2020 21:07

She needs a plan B. This isnt practical at all. What will she do when you take annual leave or are off sick. What if you need an emergency day off and cant give her notice to make alternative arrangements? She needs to be able to geg to work under her own steam.

StripeyDeckchair · 14/01/2020 21:11

I would say
You need to be at my house by X time, if you're late I'll leave without you. Your petrol contribution will be £x payable in cash weekly. I'll trial it for a month but if it doesnt work for me I'll give you a weeks notice.

StripeyDeckchair · 14/01/2020 21:12

Oh and I'd email or text this and keep it as a record of your agreement.

JasonPollack · 14/01/2020 21:14

This is nuts. If you really want to help her minimum she pays half petrol and her DH drops her at yours.

If the money is no big deal though I would just tell her you can't do it any more.

IdleBet · 14/01/2020 21:16

If you don't nip it in the bud then it'll be harder to get out of it.

A couple of weeks is enough until she finds her own solution.

Don't be one of those saps who does it indefinitely, you'll end up changing jobs just to get out of it.

OnTheEdgeOfTheNight · 14/01/2020 21:18

If you agree to this it'll inconvenience you and she may fall out with you anyway, e.g. if you want to leave early or take a day off or are ill without giving her enough notice.

Is perfectly fine to say that unfortunately you won't be able to get into a regular commitment. You don't need to make her agree, it's your choice.

Drum2018 · 14/01/2020 21:27

How she gets to work is not your concern. Stop feeling responsible for her. She's a grown woman who can work it out for herself or look for a job closer to home if public transport won't work for her.

As you don't want to do it, I'd just tell her that you are ok to bring her this week but after that you are not in a positon to help. You don't need to give an explanation and definitely don't apologise. If she pushes for a reason keep saying it's not possible. For all she knows you could be visiting relatives, going shopping, going to the gym - whatever. It's none of her business.

TinyTimsCrutch · 14/01/2020 21:27

Tell her your car is off the road and her Dh will have to drive you both in

WillLokireturn · 14/01/2020 21:31

It doesn't sound like you really want to do it but haven't felt able to say no.

How about ... "Dear Sandra, Ive been happy to help you out in an emergency the last x weeks
I hope you've had time to take stock now, to make your longer term travel arrangements to and from work.
Just to let you know, I'm not able to continue this from Monday, Drivingmecrazy

Then I wouldn't engage anymore. If she was a close friend or you didn't find it an imposition, the tone of your OP would have been different. I think you want to say no and should just say it. You've already done her a favour. She has a husband with a car who can take her to and from work.

She clearly intends to take the p *^^ as she hadn't even talked to you about making anything easier for you nor petrol and wear tear contributions and it's costing you extra petrol and time to do her a huge favour. You'd be smart to nip in the bud now whilst reminding her you've already done her a big favour. Don't be taken for granted.

PanemEtCircenses · 14/01/2020 21:33

I’ve done something similar BUT I said I would only drop as far as my door/along my route, explaining I couldn’t regularly go out of my way. The other person got public transport to my side of the town and met me at a convenient junction. When it was pouring and I had time I dropped her home at the end, especially as we became friendlier.
I didn’t want money because it didn’t cost me anything extra but she offered it, and after I refused she gave me thoughtful gifts every so often.

Kez0777 · 14/01/2020 21:37

I have the same as you, I don't go out of my way but I do take someone to work and back most days. I have never dared say anything and not feel it's too late to ask for a contribution. It really annoys me that it cost me £60 a month to travel for work yet they get to do it for free!
So before it's gone on too long ask for half. It's only fair and you are also saving them the hassle of getting the bus.

HollowTalk · 14/01/2020 21:39

Her husband should drive her to your home and then she should pay a contribution towards the petrol. You are not a taxi driver!

HollowTalk · 14/01/2020 21:39

And her husband should pick her up from yours, too.

scoobydoo1971 · 14/01/2020 21:40

The DWP run a scheme for people affected by disability and medical conditions in the workplace called Access to work. They fund a grant, which can include transport costs. It is not means tested for the applicant. Your colleague could apply for this assistance via the website links. Also, she may qualify for PIP depending on her needs. Again this is not means tested and applicants can be working. If she got this money, she could pay for her own transport. Don't get into a dependency arrangement with her. You have been kind but there are other options out there, and you are not responsible for this lady. If she has lost her drivers license then she may also qualify for a blue badge. If she has one of those, or a PIP award at a higher rate, then she would get a free bus pass.

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