To ask for a financial contribution?

[Drivingmecrazy105]

A colleague of mine recently became unwell and has unfortunately had her driving licence removed. We both live in the same town about an hours drive from our place of work and she has asked me if I can drive her to and from work, every day. There is public transport available but it is infrequent and unreliable and no one else in our workplace who lives locally. She doesn’t live on my route and I have to drive in the opposite direction to and from her home. Every week this adds over an hour to my driving time.

Now whilst I am happy to help, colleague has not offered any sort of financial contribution to help with petrol or the extra time it takes me to drive past my own house to take her home. Her own husband also works from home but doesn’t help out, even by bringing her to my house to save me the daily detour.

WIBU to ask her for a financial contribution? And if not, what can I do to make the conversation less awkward?!

Just tell her that and do it ASAP, don’t wait until someway is her right and your obligation for you to drive her around. She is not even a friend.

I did that for a kid for 2 years, you will not believe the spite of the mother when I told her I couldn’t do it anymore!

Rip off the plaster. Message her tonight.

Hi CF, I've realised we never talked about how long you'd need the emergency lifts. Tbh I thought you'd have the long term arrangements sorted by now. So to be clear, I'm happy to give you lifts for the rest of this week and if you are really desperate part of next week too. You probably already know this but you can get travel help through . Don't worry about giving me petrol money for the lifts so far, a bottle of something do well enough! See you tomorrow.

A message is better than a conversation. It gives her a chance to be shocked, moan and rant in the privacy of her own home, get it all off her chest then realise she's a CF and be all nice and polite with you in the morning.

If she responds to suggest that you are her long term solution then post here for reply suggestions. If she tries to guilt you in person use silence and kicking the can down the road.

"That's not what I expected. I'll have to think about it."
"Ah, oh dear, that's awkward, um, I was only offering help for your immediate crisis while you sorted proper arrangements. I'll have a think about whether I can keep it up or not and get back to you later."
"That could be a problem. I'll have to sleep on it."
"No, really, I can't decide or discuss now, I have to think about it and discuss with DH."
"Oh, we might have crossed wires here. I'll have a think about what I can do and let you know later tonight."
"I understand what you are saying. I have to think about my options. I can't do that now. I'll get back to you later."
"If you must have an answer now then the answer is no, I can't agree to any more right now."

Do not JADE your decision with her: Justify. Argue. Defend. Explain.

Make sympathetic noises about her problem, while making it clear it is her problem not your problem and also being clear that you are not willing to be her solution. It isn't a negotiation. She doesn't get to decide if your reasons for refusing are good enough - don't give any reasons, especially since the biggest reason is your MH, which is deeply personal. Be enigmatic.

I like this suggestion by @Tistheseason17

Her situation is not your issue to resolve.

Just say, "I'm ever so sorry, this does not work for me as I have my own commitments - I hope your family can help you to resolve it"

She isn’t stuck, she has a Husband! I worked from home for 5 years and dropped my son to College and picked him up for 3 years otherwise he couldn’t t have got there. It’s what you do for the people you love.

And I totally get what you said about needing the head space. That would be more important to me than money or detour. I wouldn’t do this for anyone other than my loved ones. I was diagnosed with an illness that required DVLA to review my licence. There was a possibility I could have had it revoked. It never crossed my mind to ask a colleague to taxi my to and from work. I would never have asked. My DH was all set to factor dropping and picking me up into his work day and if for any reason he couldn’t I looked into buses and taxis. Luckily for me I retained my license.

I wouldn't use phrases like "I'm sorry /I hope" as it suggests you're involved in finding a solution and invites a conversation. Just a straight "unfortunately I won't be able to provide a lift after Friday." No need to explain or try to make her agree with your decision. The sooner you do it the better.

You have to keep it really simple with CFers, no apologising, justification, explaining or invitations to discuss. Just clear, and yy, message is the way to go. 'Unfortunately, I can no longer continue to provide lifts as of next week (do not offer to be emergency lift or until she gets sorted) and you will need to make other arrangements for transport. I understand there is an Access to Work grant you can look into in such cases and I hope this can provide you with the support you need. Don't worry about petrol money for the lifts provided and I wish you well in making other arrangements.'

But you need to find a backbone and rip off the plaster.

Just say no I can’t do this. If her work wants her there, they need to find alternative arrangement.

be really clear and make sure you frame this as 'not my problem'
the more you offer possible solutions the more you (by implication) frame it as something that you are willing to see as your problem to fix

She'll probably round back on you, asking for you to justify why she can no longer rip the piss out of you. Keep it vague but firm. 'I've had some other family commitments come up so cannot continue the arrangement.'

@TorkTorkBam

Great advice.

Text is best.

Honestly OP, I can't imagine how this could work long term.

Huge imposition.

How did the situation come about, did she ask you for a lift? If so it's only fair that you are reimbursed for the fuel costs, otherwise she's getting free travel. The fairest way is to split the costs, that way you both benefit. If she refuses, tell her that her husband can drive her while she thinks about it.

Her husband needs to get up earlier and take her to work.

Just tell her, it’s not working out for you. Don’t explain.

Giver her a day or a week to sort this out, and stop driving her.

I’ve given people a lift one or twice a month on a regular basis. It was a pain, and out of my way, but my then boss begged me .
She has an option though, make her use it.

Would she go out of her way for you, I bet she wouldn’t.

She'll probably round back on you, asking for you to justify why she can no longer rip the piss out of you. I agree this is likely where she will go with it.

I like to respond "Why do you ask?" Or "Why do you need to know why I can't? What difference does it make?" Turn it round on them.

Another good phrase when shocked by CFery is "That's an interesting/odd thing to say." Then be silent. The more they talk and the less you talk the better.

As a general rule if a CF asks you a question, always answer with a question not an actual answer.

What are you doing on Weds? -> interesting question, why do you ask?

Are you driving to work at the normal time tomorrow -> not sure, why do you ask?

Why would you leave poor little me to get the bus -> what an odd thing to say to me

I once made this mistake of giving someone a lift every day and like you, she didn’t offer petrol money.
You are literally keeping her going by enabling her to keep her job, so she is being amazingly ungrateful and it’s not just the cost or the time either: it’s having to chat to someone every day when you might want to be on your own; it’s having to hang around as they finish that “last email” and it’s the annoyance of not being able to stop at supermarkets or do errands on your way home.
You are saving her a fortune, so at the very least she should pay half costs plus husband picks up and drops at yours (tho you may not want her hanging around your house whilst waiting for him).
If she makes a fuss, fine, don’t give her a lift, it’s unlikely anyone will criticise you. Good luck

I'm with the 'no contribution' idea.
You are going anyway, and she'll think she's paying you like a taxi.
Don't take any money off her it's not worth it.
Just tell her on a Friday what mornings and evenings you are free to give her a lift the next week , be clear you can't do whatever days and let her make alternate arrangements for the remaining.
It's kind to help as much as you can but don't get dragged in to being her taxi, it's ok as a temporary arrangement but what is she planning on doing long term. ???

I hope you keep us updated OP🙏
we need to know!!

Hi op, I would definitely say to her that these arrangements just aren’t working out for you. Say you need the ‘me’ time in the car, often want to pop to the shops on the way home etc. Say whilst you were happy to work out you can’t do it after the end of the month.

Then you won’t feel guilty, you’ve done your bit and she is a cf nit offering petrol money and expecting you to go out of your way when her husband is at home.

Do not offer one or two days a week, you will start to dread those days.

Hi, just wanted to say I absolutely, absolutely get what you mean about needing the head space and that's the most important thing to to you. I was in a similar situation and I had to tell a colleague after a few weeks I just couldn't help anymore and they needed to find alternatives. I think all the advice offered above is spot on, but please please don't feel guilty for saying this. Hope it works out

You've got a family to deal with but you're losing an hour to a colleague?

This no longer works for you

I don’t drive. The thought of being with a colleague for an hour a day extra is pretty hideous. I would have paid etc, no question.
Tell her you are happy to do it until the end of January if you’re feeling kind.
I’d text. Something along the lines of
Hi Sue, just wanted to say it’s absolutely no problem doing the lifts until the end of January. After that I have quite a lot on so won’t be able to continue. See you later 😊

I can't believe the husband works from home and this is going on. Is his job "too important" to help???

Work from home doesn't mean permanently available to run errands. My colleagues and I often work from home and it tends to be back to back conference calls from early.

Nevertheless, taxis and buses exist.

I’m the lift giver at work because I’m the only driver. We work shifts though so I don’t always finish at the same time as a colleague. But if we open or close together I’ll go the five/ten minutes out of my way to pick up or drop off two of my colleagues. Mainly because I like them! The thing is they are both super grateful and do things like buy me a coffee or let me have an extra ten minute break. And I always offer, they never ask.

But I got into an arrangement like the OP at my old job and hated it because it was every day and it was expected (no contribution offered either). And she was a bitch to me in the office. I was a bit of a mug there.

Some of the replies on this post make me a little sad where people are assuming the other person is a CF, taking the piss and ungrateful and wouldn't repay the favour. Maybe she is like this but why assume the worst? Such a negative view on the world! It might have taken loads of courage to ask for such a huge favour and they might feel useless and embarrassed and so grateful to have a solution and genuinely think because you're going that way anyway it's not causing OP problems. ( I know it is and I'm not saying she's right, but it sounds like she doesn't realise) Who knows her husband might be tied in to calls or child picking up etc at the times she needs to travel etc etc.
However I think the OP is totally reasonable though as these are not her problems and it's perfectly understandable to not be comfortable with the arrangement and needing the quiet time- an hours drive each way with a person that's not a friend is a big commitment and I'd find it draining too. You shouldn't feel responsible or guilty- you've done a really nice thing but you have to be honest with the other person as it sounds like otherwise you'll be unhappy and they might have no idea. The resentment will only build and it's bound to end badly. I know it might feel awkward to bring it up but bite the bullet, and hopefully you'll instantly feel heaps better as certainly if it was me getting the lifts I would much rather know the driver wasn't happy and I'm sure most people would totally understand your position. It might seem like they should instinctively know, and to most people who are thinking normally it would be, but if she's ill then maybe she's just not been thinking about it properly. Just remember you're not doing anything wrong, you've done a really lovely thing and Good luck!

Text over the weekend:

"Hi colleague, just wanted to check in regarding what your long term plans are? I'm happy to carry on until the end of next week, but obviously it can't be an indefinite plan as it adds time and cost at my expense. Can you check that after x date you'll be able to make your own way?"

@OhMeows's text is spot on.