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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for a financial contribution?

307 replies

Drivingmecrazy105 · 14/01/2020 19:26

A colleague of mine recently became unwell and has unfortunately had her driving licence removed. We both live in the same town about an hours drive from our place of work and she has asked me if I can drive her to and from work, every day. There is public transport available but it is infrequent and unreliable and no one else in our workplace who lives locally. She doesn’t live on my route and I have to drive in the opposite direction to and from her home. Every week this adds over an hour to my driving time.

Now whilst I am happy to help, colleague has not offered any sort of financial contribution to help with petrol or the extra time it takes me to drive past my own house to take her home. Her own husband also works from home but doesn’t help out, even by bringing her to my house to save me the daily detour.

WIBU to ask her for a financial contribution? And if not, what can I do to make the conversation less awkward?!

OP posts:
YippeeKayakOtherBuckets · 15/01/2020 18:27

If she has lost her licence for medical reason she’s eligible for a free bus pass.

I haven’t read the thread so apologies if this has already been mentioned.

Twillow · 15/01/2020 18:36

I had a colleague ask me for this, although much shorter distance and also I hardly knew her. I said it wasn't convenient - honestly if she'd offered a contribution I would have done it - so she's taking taxi's still!

“Hi colleague, nice I’ve been driving you for a while i wanted to formalise things by asking you to cover half the petrol cost. This is £x per week. It would also suit me better if you could be dropped off at mine in the morning as it’s in the opposite direction and is taking too much extra time. Thanks”

I like this idea from earlier in the thread but I'd edit slightly

“Hi colleague, nice I’ve been driving you for a while i wanted to formalise things by asking you to cover some of the petrol cost as it’s in the opposite direction and is taking too much extra time. This is £x per week.
Alternatively you could be dropped off and collected outside my house to avoid the detour. Thanks”
This puts the ball in her court to choose from two reasonable options.

Wineiscooling · 15/01/2020 18:40

I wouldn't be bothered about the money and probably wouldn't mind going out of my way a bit but it would be nice to be offered. If it's beginning to grate already then you're going to end up very bitter. I would send a message or say something a long the lines of.....hi, I really don't mind giving a lift to work every day as a favour but if it's a permanent thing I wonder if we could share costs and maybe sometimes you could get to mine and get home from mine - that extra 10 minutes in the car for me makes all the difference after a long day at work.....

Slightly different situation but my dad died when I was 10 and my mum couldn't drive so had difficulty getting me to my hobby after school. One of the dad's of someone who also used to go offered to pick me up and take me, it probably took him out of his way 5 minutes to come get me, 5 minutes to drop me off and this was twice a week as well as weekend competitions. My mum tried to give petrol money but he never accepted and took me with his daughter for years with no complaints. I often think of that now and always try to be as helpful to people who don't drive. My mum was embarrassed he wouldn't take money but at the same time so grateful I could continue my hobby. It would have been a nightmare doing that on public transport and the completions were all over the north of England so I don't think realistically I could have continued without him.
Your colleague may well be mortified and embarrassed and may be wondering how to offer the money to you.

A1m19999 · 15/01/2020 18:40

@Highonpotandused

Shouldn’t you be mortified that it wouldn’t occur to you that someone is out of pocket whilst you benefit from free lifts?

I don't think you are understanding where I'm coming from- I don't know what this persons illness is but in my case it was a brain tumour and hopefully you can understand this means you aren't always thinking straight. Also I had so many friends who have me lifts who wouldn't take money and I would hate to think anyone was feeling miffed but just felt they couldn't say. Please be kind. One day it could happen to you.

TeaForTara · 15/01/2020 18:42

Next time you're driving her home, go via a petrol station, fill up and tell her it's her turn to pay.

eminencegrise · 15/01/2020 18:43

This puts the ball in her court to choose from two reasonable options.

The OP doesn't want to do it, though. Don't see why this CF should be given options when she's taken the piss out of the OP and she's annoyed when she has to pay for a bus. People tying themselves in knots enabling people like this is why they expect it and get away with it.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 15/01/2020 18:53

Just say that its not working out for you and could her husband please drop and pick up at yours so that you don't have an hour extra travelling time as you're finding it draining. I wouldn't ask for money - you don't want to do the extra travelling so just don't. If her husband could take her then really she is taking advantage.

PepePig · 15/01/2020 18:54

Don't help her. You're literally giving up your time and money to help someone who I guarantee wouldn't help you.

She can get her husband to do it or pay for taxis. Like everyone else.

Highonpotandused · 15/01/2020 18:55

@A1m19999

Please be kind. One day it could happen to you.

We all have our difficulties. I am carer to my disabled mum and drive her around everywhere, so I do understand.

I just think the way you described OP as 'pissed off' was not kind. She hasn't done anything wrong.

ToftyAC · 15/01/2020 18:55

I used to car share years ago for several colleagues but we all lived close & worked not far away. I didn’t ask for petrol but they always bought me drinks on work nights out. I wouldn’t do it now - I work 16 miles away from work and it’s the only time I ever get to myself. If it was just for a bit I would though and I’d make sure there was some contribution. YANBU OP. There are some great suggestions here and do let us know how it goes....

A1m19999 · 15/01/2020 19:01

I may have missed something- is this other person saying she won't pay? Everyone is being really harsh on her and maybe there's something I haven't read. Is it just because she hasn't offered? I agree totally I would have thought she would have offered but that doesn't mean she's a bad person or taking the piss. Maybe she's embarrassed and not sure what to offer or maybe she's just really ill and making it through each day as best she can. Obviously there's a chance she's not a good person and taking the piss but wouldn't it be best to have the conversation and then decide?

WiseNiceWoman · 15/01/2020 19:01

This makes all the difference the fact she is not a friends but a colleague. If you carry on doing this arrangement then you are a "Mug" and she is taking you for a "Mug" and she has the damn awful heart to do so on the back of your kindness. I, like you would feel sorry for her because she didn't invite this on herself and anyone of us could be in this position and would rather hope someone human would reach out and help. However, the fact her selfish DH hasn't even said anything to you could mean he's either awful to her or he's plain selfish like her. She on the other hand could be in a position of financial ruin and in her heart would like to help but just doesn't have the means and doesn't have a supportive DH and life is shit for her at the moment - is the reason I would not offer in the hope this kind person just doesn't ask and hopefully is able to cope (you). But I would also come clean about it and let you know that I wasn't taking you for a ride. However, anyone normal would feel to contribute and any DH would also understand to drop her at your place. You need to definitely hit the nail on the head and discuss with her that you don't mind doing it but you expect some contribution from her if this arrangement is going to go beyond a week or two and that could her DH drop her off at your place and waiting and ready to pick up - you are colleagues not friends. DO NOT ALLOW YOURSELF AND KINDNESS to be taken advantage off or put out of pocket unless you can afford to be out of pocket just a little but it's the principle. But the extra hour would be a deal-breaker for me as I like to invest in learning, just think of what you could do with all those hours per day adding up in the week. Surely she must know/feel that this is a huge undertaking for a colleague to do. Just ask her about her position but definitely expect something because frankly anyone of the other colleagues could have done it but you are doing it. So she should be thankful because she could use the bus in these cold and rainy times and appreciate she's in your warm cosy car. I'd damn well value you as a friend where are the people like you! Nice person indeed. Would be interesting to know how you got on.

mariabs · 15/01/2020 19:02

How long have you been driving her so far?

A1m19999 · 15/01/2020 19:02

@Highonpotandused

Certainly didn't mean it to describe her as angry or an unkind person I think what she's doing is amazing! Just turn of phrase that's all, and that I wouldn't want anyone who was doing me a massive favour to be feeling unhappy and me not realise.

Tron1982 · 15/01/2020 19:13

If I wanted a lift the first thing I would say is I will pay towards the petrol and a bit extra for the upkeep of the car,plus what happens if she lays in are you going hang about while she gets sorted,I would definitely ask for petrol money and say you won't hang about if she sleeps in.

fairlyplump · 15/01/2020 19:16

defiantly should be paying half, and if possible her hubby should drive her to and from yours.

billy1966 · 15/01/2020 19:19

I like to help people but committing to spent 2 hours in the car with a colleague is a huge ask.

Before agreeing terms I would think very hard as to what you really want to commit too.

GGsMumma · 15/01/2020 19:38

@Drivingmecrazy105 op I’ve asked for the same favour before when there wasn’t any public transport and I offered to pay 50% of the petrol for the week so it made it worthwhile to the person helping me out. Definitely cfery going on have a word!

Tistheseason17 · 15/01/2020 19:42

Any update, OP?

unlikelytobe · 15/01/2020 19:57

Is there nowhere on route that you can pick her up and drop her off at e.g. shopping centre, library, cafe? If she has to come to your place and be picked up from yours she will end up coming inside, lurking in the hallway or sitting on your sofa? Could become tricky.

I wonder if she's waiting for the end of the month to offer a contribution or present a thank you gift? Unlikely and you'd think she would have said something about it by now. You are saving her time and money but if you formalise the arrangement she will feel entitled and this could carry on for a long time. Best to establish you need flexibility about this or stop altogether. Tell her you're seeing a friend/going to the dentist or whatever on the way home and can't give her a lift so you'll find out what her back up plan is - husband no doubt. Then he can become her main driver and you the occasional favour.

HappyHammy · 15/01/2020 20:08

I wouldnt do it. There will be times when you might want to go into work early or stay late and you'll feel obliged to give her a lift. Her dh needs to step up. Maybe offer an occasional lift in you're both leaving work together but no to a permanent arrangement. Maybe she can discuss flexible working with line manager if public transport isn't that great.

74NewStreet · 15/01/2020 20:11

Absolutely. You don’t want to go from doing her a favour to having an absolute obligation to her for the sake of a few quid.

Straycatstrut · 15/01/2020 20:12

Ahh tricky situation because you want to do a good deed but don't want to be an arse and create an atmosphere at work.

I can't believe someone would use someone like a taxi and just think "yeah this is normal, this is fair". I don't drive and I hate getting lifts! I always feel weird being driven about like I should pay the driver, same way I pay on public transport.... but then also offering to pay like they're a taxi service feels weird too!

I'd try and just be like "X, listen I don't want to be harsh, and I understand your situation, but how long do you think you're going to be needing lifts..." and sort of hope she gets the hint!

di2004 · 15/01/2020 20:12

If you have to drive in the opposite direction it’s out of your way.
How long do you see the free taxi service carrying on for?
I’m on your side. She needs to be told to contribute towards fuel or get her lazy husband to do the job.

Original poster
Drivingmecrazy105 · 15/01/2020 20:27

Hi everyone, thanks for the replies! I’m still deciding exactly what to do but I know that the current arrangement cannot continue as it is.

The money isn’t the only issue although even if she offered, I’m not sure I would take it as it would feel like more of an official arrangement then.

The main issue to be honest is I need my driving time as headspace, I have a young family myself and I’m really noticing the difference when I don’t have that quiet time.

I’m more than happy to help on a short term basis or even a couple of days a week but long term, I can’t do this every day and in all honesty I feel resentful that I’m now in the awkward position of having to ask for money.

I will definitely be directing her towards the Access to work website, thank you to everyone who made that suggestion!

OP posts: