To be annoyed with DH?

[pinkytheunicorn]

My DH and I have two children aged 1 and 3. Our sex life has been pretty much non existent since the birth of number two for a number of reasons (non sleeping baby, having to sleep in separate rooms half the time so he's rested for work etc ) but mainly also because I am terrified of falling pregnant again.

We're in our mid and late thirties. I have had two straightforward pregnancies but both births were difficult, one was extremely traumatic and left me with permanent damage downstairs and both ended up in surgery with significant haemorrhages etc etc. We've both said we categorically do not want any more babies, even if we were to split up (not on the cards!) with anyone else either. We're lucky to have the ones we have and never wanted more than two anyway.

I cannot take any form of hormonal contraception anymore (have discussed at length with GP) and I can't have the coil due to the birth damage I have. I also took the pill for fifteen years pre children and few like I've done my bit messing with my body. We both reluctantly use condoms with dislike but I'm still nervous, accidents happen!

So, other option is for him to have a vasectomy. Which he's said he will do. However he is faffing about doing it, keeps saying things like 'it's supposed to be really painful' and 'it makes me cringe the thought of having it done' Oh and 'it'll have to wait until the football season has ended or I'll have to miss matches!'

He's not against having it done, it's not like I've pushed him into it or anything however he is being such a bloody baby about it! I'm getting so annoyed, given what I've put my body through to give us a family.

AIBU?

‘Being such a bloody baby about it’ - really?! It is a pretty big deal.

It’s a very minor procedure, often done at GP surgery, far less than what you’ve been through.

He should have a vasectomy
You have given birth to two children. If he loves you and I longer wants any more children time to show you he values the family he has made with you, and of course your health and happiness

Telling a woman who has had two children in the circumstances you have that he is worried about the pain is quite remarkable.

No. I am definitely on your side of this issue

really?! It is a pretty big deal.

Really, it's not.

I do get that you’ve put your body through a lot; I’ve had two very risky pregnancies and 15 plus years in the pill and feel similar about having another baby. However my DH is adamantly against having a vasectomy and I get it; while I’m adamant that I don’t want more children I also am not keen to have the procedure done on myself (I’m also aware it’s quite invasive) as it would be completely shutting the door on any future children.
I know you say that he’s not against having it done but it does sound like he’s not 100% and the excuses he’s giving are delaying tactics rather than the actual reason

Dh had it done at the GP surgery. He said tight y fronts really helped to support his balls while they felt a bit bruised for about a week or so. It's not a big deal at all compared to being on hormonal contraception for 15 years and all the side effects that go with that, and it's literally fuck all compared to periods and childbirth!

If you're that bothered, have a hysterectomy.

You can't bully him into having the snip just because you don't trust condoms (which, FWIW, work most of the time when used correctly).

If you use a condom, and perhaps ask him not to ejaculate inside you, you're very very safe.

Yes, your body has been through a lot to have the children, but did your partner bully you into that? It's not like he could have done it for you.

It is a big thing to have something like that done.

I don’t mean a big procedure wise.

*I don’t mean a big deal procedure wise.

SunshineAngel are you out of your mind?! A hysterectomy instead of a vasectomy? That's like saying I don't fancy carrying a shield on the battlefield, can we just chop everyone else's sword arm off before we start and then I won't have to? Get a bloody grip.
If a husband would rather his wife had a hysterectomy than him get the snip, then she needs a divorce!

It's not that he's undecided on more children or anything like that at all. He's literally being put off by the thought of having to have a potentially painful procedure done, and having to pay for the privilege (it's not available here on the NHS anymore).

If I were to fall pregnant again I'd either have to carry and birth a third child who neither of us want - a horrible option I can't bear the thought of a child being unwanted when our current two are loved and wanted beyond measure and also very dangerous for me or I'd have to have an abortion. Another horrible option (no judgement from me if you've had one in the least, but it can't be nice to go through). Both things are ME having to go through it, physically and mentally. Both are painful and unpleasant. No thanks, I'd rather avoid sex.

He's not ready to have it done and you have to respect that.

Can you not take the mini pill?

@SunshineAngel you are a lunatic

I asked to be sterilised during my last birth, btw which was an ELCS. I was told no, they don't routinely do it on women under 35 (I was 34) without medical cause.

I can understand him being nervous. I would be wishing he would be straight with me rather than making excuses etc, and asking him what he is doing to alleviate his fears eg has he spoken to the GP about it or anyone else to find out what it's actually like?

I would also be tracking my periods and ovulation etc and maybe avoiding having sex in the most fertile week in the time being but I'm a bit paranoid!

Well in that case I'd carry on like you are and avoid having sex with him. I totally get the paranoia over having another child, I've got 4 and am reluctantly on the pill and even then, every time we have sex I have a moment of panic over being pregnant again!

It is a minor procedure, DH had it done about a month ago - similar reasons to you and I was scared of getting pregnant again. He faffed a bit getting it booked (he's a massive procrastinator)
It was almost three weeks, from booking it to having it done. He's been fine, he was the 1 in 10 with bad bruising and hematoma (think it's 1 in 25) he also developed a granuloma which went down after a week or so. Most of the men in his family have had it done, and were shocked that he'd had these issues, none of them had. Even with that, he was fine and surprised it wasn't too bad.

It's a very small procedure and recovery time in comparison to what I went through (and what you've been through) with pregnancy and birth, which I think needs to be considered!

Ultimately, you falling pregnant again - it would be you dealing with the consequences! While it's his body and his decision, his considerations should focus you, what you've been through, and what position he puts you in to not have it done.

I also originally went to the GP (DH with me) to see if I could have my tubes done, which they won't do via NHS, costs £2000 and has a failure rate far higher than a vasectomy- 1 in 200 I think.

Lots of men acts like babies about getting the snip tbh.

It's OK for us to mess with our hormones, get injected every 3 months. Have coils put up our vaginas, or our arms sliced open to put a hormone stick in.
Don't see many women acting like babies about those.

Honestly OP, I wouldn't risk sleeping with him, especially with your history until he had it done. Bet that chivvys him on a bit!!

I decided I didn't want anymore children have 4 but also decided I didn't want to put anything into my body either so I decided I wanted to be sterilised I was only 31 when I had it done, the reason being is that if me and DP ever split up he could if he choose have more children where as I knew I never wanted anymore, my bills have both had it done and they was only off work for one day and both said it wasn't as bad as they were expecting

It is a minor procedure and on the whole most men are fine soon after. BUT for a proportion of men it can go very wrong with chronic pain which cant be resolved.

If he does go ahead then make sure he gets it done by someone who does this day in, day out not somebody doing this as an occasional procedure.

This boggles my mind that men still act like this.

After the birth of our youngest I was advised kindly but firmly that more babies would not be a good idea. As soon as he could dh had a vasectomy. I offered to be sterilised as it was my body that was the reason I shouldn't have more children however, dh felt I'd done enough with all I had been through to have our family so he went off.

It was done at the doctors. He rested on the sofa. Painkillers and he was fine.

No sex then. Silly sod. He'll soon grow up.

You can't force someone into a procedure like that. It doesn't matter if it's 'small'- it's still a procedure and it is 100% his choice. If he's procastinating, he might be lazy... or, he might not want it done but doesn't want to tell you. He is also allowed to back out of it having thought about it.

If you want a permanent solution right now, then you'd have to be the one getting it done. So I'd look into it for yourself.

No one deserves to be coerced, goaded or guilt tripped into a procedure being done on them. I'm not saying you're doing these things, but if you keep on at him it will likely come across that way.

(Also: no one should be forced into any form of contraception that they 100% aren't happy with taking. So talking about how women are 'forced' to be on the pill, etc, is pointless. You should never be forced to be on anything. I stopped the pill at 20, have two planned children that I conceived very quickly, and relied on condoms alone for the rest of that time. If you use them properly, alongside tracking your cycle, they are very efficient).

@SunshineAngel are you on the sauce?

If I remember rightly 1 in 20 men are left with long term pain after a vasectomy. The failure rate over 5 years is 1 in a 100 and I've seen an increasing number of men complaining of impotency after the op. I recently saw that some doctors are saying no physical exertion for 6 weeks afterwards now. It may be a quick snip but it doesn't come without significant issues.

I think my dh would be the same. Could you use a cap? I don't think you should have to but if he won't go you can't make him