To be annoyed with DH?

[pinkytheunicorn]

My DH and I have two children aged 1 and 3. Our sex life has been pretty much non existent since the birth of number two for a number of reasons (non sleeping baby, having to sleep in separate rooms half the time so he's rested for work etc ) but mainly also because I am terrified of falling pregnant again.

We're in our mid and late thirties. I have had two straightforward pregnancies but both births were difficult, one was extremely traumatic and left me with permanent damage downstairs and both ended up in surgery with significant haemorrhages etc etc. We've both said we categorically do not want any more babies, even if we were to split up (not on the cards!) with anyone else either. We're lucky to have the ones we have and never wanted more than two anyway.

I cannot take any form of hormonal contraception anymore (have discussed at length with GP) and I can't have the coil due to the birth damage I have. I also took the pill for fifteen years pre children and few like I've done my bit messing with my body. We both reluctantly use condoms with dislike but I'm still nervous, accidents happen!

So, other option is for him to have a vasectomy. Which he's said he will do. However he is faffing about doing it, keeps saying things like 'it's supposed to be really painful' and 'it makes me cringe the thought of having it done' Oh and 'it'll have to wait until the football season has ended or I'll have to miss matches!'

He's not against having it done, it's not like I've pushed him into it or anything however he is being such a bloody baby about it! I'm getting so annoyed, given what I've put my body through to give us a family.

AIBU?

YANBU. The lunatics on here suggesting a hysterectomy as an equal alternative to a vasectomy are tw*ts. Ignore them.

My DH obviously wasn't excited at the prospect of the snip but saw it as a perfectly fair step to take for him after we'd decided we'd got enough children after I'd given birth three times, breastfed for 6 years, 2 MMC requiring surgical management and coil insertion disaster (pushed through my uterine wall by GP requiring removal under GA). Any man that didn't have good reason to consider the snip but still wanted regular sex with the woman who had been through so much physically needs his head wobbled.

After 15 years of you being responsible for contraception, I don't think you are being unreasonable expecting your DH to take responsibility now. If he won't, then he has to accept that your sex lives will be affected.

None of the blokes I know who have had the snip thought it a big deal; my cousin had it done when his twins were babies and a bloke at work had to have it done twice! That work was a very blokey environment in a hugely male dominated industry; he got a bit of teasing for having to have it done twice but the prevailing attitude amongst all these tough tradesmen was that he was being responsible, doing the right thing, and not something to think twice about compared to "his missus".

@ Dontdisturbmenow

Actually, maternity leave is as much about the mother having time to recover physically from the birth ( NOT something fathers need worry about), but I'm in agreement about both parents bonding and that fathers should have parental leave (paid) which is longer than 2 weeks.
However, in the greater context of gender inequality, women are still underpaid and underachieve in a work context due to 'glass ceilings', as well as carry the majority of the responsibility for child rearing, cleaning, washing, ironing, cooking, shopping, school runs........blah blah, I WON'T be crying about fathers not getting the same amount of 'maternity leave'

I can't believe that anyone thinks YABU!!

We are similar. 2 DC, one EMCS and one ELCS, my body does not want to go through another pregnancy and CS. Likewise, I don't want the risks/side affects any longer of the hormonal contraceptive that I've been taking for 15+ years. DH doesn't want more children and neither do I, and I do see it as taking turns, the MINOR procedure that he can have done at a GP surgery does not compare to carrying two babies for 9 months and having my insides cut open. He is happy to take his turn. He has taken some pushing to get the appointment but because he is scared of what it entails, but he has still done it.

@pinkytheunicorn
YANBU but I can appreciate he sounds apprehensive / worried. It sounds daft when he compares a vasectomy to a c-section, but the reality is that he's never experienced either so unless he's had any other major surgery it makes sense that he's scared and making silly comparisons. Just be clear and firm that if he wants things to pick up in the bedroom he has the power to make that happen.

In the short term however, have you considered pairing condom use with a spermicidal lubricant? Might give you a bit more confidence? Also tracking your cycle so you can avoid your most fertile days may also help you to relax?

Did you miss the part in the OP that said that both the OP and her DH had agreed that him having the snip was what they both thought was best and that he was just procrastinating as it may interfere with football watching ??

If he really wanted it done he would have had it done. The fact that he keeps putting it off suggests that he has misgivings about it, as is his right.

Maybe he doesn't want to surrender his fertility? If he and op split up perhaps he wants the possibility to have more children? If op is sure that she will never want any more children then perhaps it would be better for her to be sterilised? After all, were they to split what would happen then? She can't apparently use any form of contraception so would she insist that any future boyfriend also has a vasectomy?

I wonder how many of you saying how easy a vasectomy is and that men should just get on with it have actually done any research beyond reading the NHS website? Have any of you read the stories of people who suffer from chronic pain afterwards, yes it may be a small chance, yes worse things happen during childbirth, but if your husband ended up with chronic pain I'm pretty sure it would have a devastating effect on your lives.

Hold on a moment!

Many women are in chronic long term pain and have fucked up bodies because of having babies with and for men they love. Just want to point that out. If you’d say well ah they chose to have babies well then if a man chooses to have a vasectomy he has also has reasons and has to live with the choices he makes.

I don’t think anyone on here takes any medical procedure lightly, but the vast majority of man are not left physically and psychologist destroyed by a vasectomy. Fact.

Yes of course there are risks but these are much much smaller than the risk of an unwanted baby, hormonal risks of long term contraception, a termination or another terrible pregnancy and labour and the effect that will have on an entire family.

so many people missing the point that the DH in this scenario agrees that he will be having a vasectomy but is just being a wimp about it.

so many people missing the point that the DH in this scenario agrees that he will be having a vasectomy but is just being a wimp about it.

If a woman was to post on here about being nervous about having elective surgery would you tell her that she's a wimp? Women who post on the pregnancy thread saying they're nervous about giving birth - do you tell them that they're wimps?

The DH in this case isn't telling his wife why he hasn't had it done yet - maybe that's because men aren't allowed to be nervous or worried about anything without being branded wimps and so what they do is invent excuses to mask their fear.

Yeah, actually, if her husband had been through ther equivalent of OP, and the one thing that would help restore their sex life was elective surgery, and she had already agreed to it, I would be telling her to crack on.

I have friends who have talked about being nervous before surgery, and I'll listen, of course, but if rationally they want the attached outcome, I tell them to crack on with planning the op.

@nowayhose At what point did I say it was a big deal compared to childbirth? I didn’t compare it to anything, I just said it was a big deal.

I'm really disturbed at the amount of pps saying hysterectomy/sterilization they are 2 different things! If you opt to be sterilised your tubes are clipped or cut, a hysterectomy removes your uterus sometimes your ovaries and cervix... very different operations for very different reasons.

If a woman was to post on here about being nervous about having elective surgery would you tell her that she's a wimp?

Good point. What surgery? I'm not sure what would be a similar kind of thing in a woman but: if it was a surgery she had agreed with her partner is what they both agreed was the best way for them to handle something, and that it's a relatively straightforward procedure that millions of people have with relatively few (depending on which sources you read, and depending on your own pain threshold) side-effects, yes I'd call her a wimp. Heck i call myself a wimp for having panic attacks about going to the dentist.

My dh was a bit like this. Took him 4 years (after birth of last dc) to get it done.
He had said things like ‘ok I’ll do it if you sort it out” but I was clear that he should male the arrangements as if needed to be his choice.
In the end I did give him a prod because I was making a gp appt for him for something else and the receptionist asked me what it was regarding - so I said it was two things and explained what and he got a double appointment, then obviously when he was in there the dr had on their system that he’d come to discuss that. I don’t know if he ever would have instigated it.
To be fair though after that he did it all and I kept thinking he’d pull out but he didn’t.
It was a bit more painful than he expected I think but he’s about 4 weeks on now and it seems ok apart from the odd twinge.
I think a driving force for him was not liking condoms and realising I really wasn’t going to go back on the pill.

He is NBU to not want to take the step.

YANBU to decide the safest way to ensure no pregnancy is abstination. That is an irrefutable fact.

The onus is now on him to decide which is the preferable course of action.

OP we are in a similar boat. The only form of contraception I am able to use is a condom. DH doesn't want a vasectomy and while I'd happily have a hysterectomy, I'm not eligible for one publicly and can't afford to go private. So condoms it is. It frustrates me that he won't do what I'd be willing to but at the end of the day it's his body.

I was sterilised at the age of 40 shortly after the birth of my last baby. Routine daycare, gave me a chance to spend next day in bed....bliss. You will probably have to be nursey for days afterwards, will be irritating, if he ever agrees to a Vasectomy. Far better to be independent, enjoy some me time.

The dick pandering on this thread is a sight to behold. Frankly, dudes who are like this - it's pathetic and deeply unsexy to be quite happy for your partner to go through the shit she has and when the time comes for you to be able take a minuscule amount of responsibility for ensuring that your wife doesn't have to go through yet more, you complain about achy balls. Jesus fucking wept 🙄

Hang on. Someone suggested a hysterectomy over the snip??? What?

Use your common sense, use the condoms in the meantime and buy a diaphragm