To be annoyed with DH?

[pinkytheunicorn]

My DH and I have two children aged 1 and 3. Our sex life has been pretty much non existent since the birth of number two for a number of reasons (non sleeping baby, having to sleep in separate rooms half the time so he's rested for work etc ) but mainly also because I am terrified of falling pregnant again.

We're in our mid and late thirties. I have had two straightforward pregnancies but both births were difficult, one was extremely traumatic and left me with permanent damage downstairs and both ended up in surgery with significant haemorrhages etc etc. We've both said we categorically do not want any more babies, even if we were to split up (not on the cards!) with anyone else either. We're lucky to have the ones we have and never wanted more than two anyway.

I cannot take any form of hormonal contraception anymore (have discussed at length with GP) and I can't have the coil due to the birth damage I have. I also took the pill for fifteen years pre children and few like I've done my bit messing with my body. We both reluctantly use condoms with dislike but I'm still nervous, accidents happen!

So, other option is for him to have a vasectomy. Which he's said he will do. However he is faffing about doing it, keeps saying things like 'it's supposed to be really painful' and 'it makes me cringe the thought of having it done' Oh and 'it'll have to wait until the football season has ended or I'll have to miss matches!'

He's not against having it done, it's not like I've pushed him into it or anything however he is being such a bloody baby about it! I'm getting so annoyed, given what I've put my body through to give us a family.

AIBU?

Elandra to which bit Its been a little while since I looked into so might be a little off. The 99% effective is based on international figures, mine is UK only.

Oh well, you'll just both go sexless until he's ready.

You aren't being at all unreasonable. He is a procrastinator on this, but he needs to bite the bullet.

My DH had the snip after our third DD was born as we didn't want any more babies after that. That was almost 18 years ago now. He was a bit uncomfortable for just over a week if I remember rightly, and then fine.

I know some might disagree with me, but I would actually be very tempted to tell him to stop procrastinating or there would be no more sex. He will probably always find an excuse otherwise. I think you can do that because you say that he has more or less decided to have the procedure anyway. Just needs a nudge?

The risks associated with a vasectomy are small when compared to the risks of you becoming accidentally pregnant, whether you chose to have a termination or not.

I almost died with my pregnancy (life support for days post birth after two surgeries and inflamed pancreas with complications for years) and mine dragged his feet on the snip (after swearing to get it as I was in the hospital) until finally I scheduled for the contraceptive implant to my arm and he finally had it said it wasn't that bad at all just like being kicked in the balls! I was ready to strangle him over it and he has no clue how resentful I was feeling and I guess still do

OP, is your DH pressuring you for sex? If he isn't then you are unreasonable to push him for the snip.

There are also risks so I can see why your DH is hesitant.

Side effects right after surgery can include:

Bleeding or a blood clot (hematoma) inside the scrotum
Blood in your semen
Bruising of your scrotum
Infection of the surgery site
Mild pain or discomfort
Swelling
Delayed complications can include:

Chronic pain, which can happen for 1 to 2 percent of those who have surgery
Fluid buildup in the testicle, which can cause a dull ache that gets worse with ejaculation
Inflammation caused by leaking sperm (granuloma)
Pregnancy, in the event that your vasectomy fails, which is rare.
An abnormal cyst (spermatocele) that develops in the small, coiled tube located on the upper testicle that collects and transports sperm (epididymis)
A fluid-filled sac (hydrocele) surrounding a testicle that causes swelling in the scrotum

Until he has decided, could you maybe use a fertility app and condoms to help put your mind at ease? Only have sex with condoms at your least fertile times?

If you are unable to use hormonal contraception does this mean you would be unable to use the MAP if needed? If so then I am far more sympathetic to your worries.

Well, @SunshineAngel is obviously pissed. MAJOR surgery and a long recovery afterwards compared to a week or two of discomfort from a MINOR procedure, are not the same thing.

It can take a while for a GP appointment, and a referral (currently waiting for DH’s at the moment) so he best get the ball rolling.
YANBU to be pissed off that he is faffing, get him to call the GP today for an appointment and frog march him into the appointment!

I hear you, OP. I lost my sex life following the traumatic birth of my DC nearly 10 years ago. The mental and physical damage meant I never wanted another child, even if sex were possible. My OH would have a vasectomy immediately and without question if he thought it would recover our sex life.

Well, if he chooses football over ever having sex again, fine. But move into a bedroom of your own (or move him permanently into a spare room or a share with the children), do it up nicely, so it looks good and permanent - and make sure he realises he's only a lodger.

Who cares if it's painful or risky ( its not!) ...the OP has had her quota of painful and risky .
I've got no sympathy for your husband OP he needs to get on with it.

Wow. Imagine if the OP had said her husband is getting angry with her for not hurrying up and getting the snip herself so they can have sex without the fear of having a 3rd child. Surgery is surgery. There are always risks, you can’t force someone to hurry that decision up. I can’t believe mumsnet thinks that a man delaying the procedure is out of order.

YANBU
I would ask him if he is really ready put you through another seeing his the first two were? And if he though that these were ‘easy and absolutely not painful’ procedure.

I agree that a vasectomy HAS the potential to be painful. However, compare to the risk and the pain YOU take if you risk a pregnancy, it’s really nothing.
I’m afraid I would some harsh words (that I had with my own DH when he dithered around like your own DH does)

A male voice within the echo chamber. You are being a bit unreasonable. No one likes to have operations, especially not 'down there'. Regardless of your troublesome pregnancies and pill usage, these weren't things he wanted for you or had control over. Pressuring him to undergo a painful procedure, as a way to level the scores, sounds a bit mean spirited. Condoms may not be ideal but they are more than adequate until he changes his mind.

@TDL2016 actually no surgery is not surgery.
Surgery to remove an ingrowing toe nail is not the same than an appendix Tony which isn’t the same that open heart surgery.
Risk associated with one specific type of surgery isn’t the same than for another.

My DH had it. It took one hour max, local anaesthetic, walking back to the car wo any ‘recup’ period. Even a laparoscopy was more risky as, even though it’s a day procedure, you are still under a general anaesthetic.
A vasectomy is more a kind to an ingrowing toe nail.
The difference is that it is about the dear little balls and they are worried about it

@oofadoofa
Regardless of your troublesome pregnancies and pill usage, these weren't things he wanted for you or had control over.
And
No one likes to have operations, especially not 'down there'

Right... so when he was happy for his DWife to be pregnant again, did he think about the ‘procedure she had down there’ and the pain she went through the first time around? And nowdays when he has sex with a condom knowing the risk of pregnancy it carries he is also happy tontake the risk for her to go through a very uncomfortable time due to the pregnancy.
But you wouod like us to think that he has no control over it? What about protecting his dwife from such a risk by ensuring he has the snip? Yu know so she don’t have to go through some surgeries ‘down there’.

Sometimes men’s reaction about their balls annoys me. Yes we know they are are sensitive. And yes we also know you deeply care about them. But you know women also care about their own bits, their vagina being stretched and riped during childbirth for example. But they get on with it and are told to stop being a wimp if they dare complaining about it....
I mean ‘permanent damage downstairs’ means PAIN. Likely to be pain in general or pain during sex. Plus sometimes other issues like being incontinent. Seeing that the OP has already gone through that, is it really asking too much for her partner to step up and ensure that she doesn’t go through it AGAIN?

My DH had it. It took one hour max, local anaesthetic, walking back to the car wo any ‘recup’ period.

It's not like that for everyone, though. Your DH got lucky and it went smoothly for him, but the NHS states:

"possible complications include a collection of blood inside the scrotum (haematoma), hard lumps called sperm granulomas (caused by sperm leaking from the tubes), an infection, or long-term testicle pain (you may need further surgery)"

My DP had it done years ago and said it was absolutely fine. Very minor discomfort for a few days and that’s it. The pay off is huge though - sex without condoms or any fear of getting pregnant is just amazing. It feels totally liberating! I spent years either on hormonal contraception which messed me up in various ways, or going through the fear every month waiting for my period to start in case the condoms hadn’t done their job.

Honestly, it’s just a joy. I’ve never had such an amazing sex life and a big part of that is the liberation of not having to worry about pregnancy any more. Really hope your man goes through with it OP..

As a way to even the scores? Hardly. There is no score to be evened. I would hate for him to have to endure what I did. Just like he hated it when I went through it.

It's not a case of evening scores 🙄It's a case of me having taken care of the contraception for the last decade and a half for us, then doing two pregnancies and awful births that have left me with permanent damage and saying 'that's enough now'. Time for him to step up and take some responsibility for it if he wants to get his end away.

Condoms might be adequate but accidentally happen - how many times have you read on here about leaks, splits etc? And it's me that then has to deal with the fall out of that.

Whoever said about the MAP actually I don't know if I can take it or not I've not looked into it. But as I can't take any hormonal contraception (including the mini pill) possibly not. Which might also possibly rule out the medication which they give you to abort a pregnancy early doors too as that's hormone based too, isn't it?

Right... so when he was happy for his DWife to be pregnant again, did he think about the ‘procedure she had down there’ and the pain she went through the first time around?

But it's not like he could have taken on that risk himself - men can't get pregnant so until science evolves further, if a couple want children naturally, the woman is the one who needs to go through pregnancy and childbirth.

But that doesn't mean the man should automatically need to have a vasectomy afterwards! I mean, I doubt many women would want to be forced into surgery by their other halves.

Don't have sex with him until he gets it done is the answer. Don't get a sterilisation yourself it can cause early menopause, it induced my menopause at 43 and the consultant said it was definitely that that did it.
Why is he such a baby? How painful does he think childbirth is ff's.
I think he's being very selfish to put you through this.

Regardless of your troublesome pregnancies and pill usage, these weren't things he wanted for you or had control over

Sorry, what?! He didn’t want or have control over having a baby?! Give over for god sake. Yes there can be complications, well news flash, there are possible complications from child birth, abortions and birth control too, I doubt men give much thought to that though. Clearly the one quoted above doesn’t.

It's time he stepped up to the plate and behaved responsibly.
If it were me it would be no sex till he's had the vasectomy.... I'm sure this would spur him on!

It has little or nothing to do with pain or surgery or possible complications. The reason he's dithering is that it is a permanent decision, he's deciding whether he wants to shut out the possibility of ever becoming a father again. Maybe he isn't ready for that.

Oh well as someone else said he will have to go without sex then If he is not willing to do his part 🤷‍♀️
DH has a vasectomy after DC3, was all fine.

Well I decided I never wanted another pregnancy ever so I am getting my tubes tied - not waiting about for DH to do something because I want control over my life , not his.

It is not the same as a hysterectomy and so I would suggest you look into this. I get that you want him to do something, but really, you never want another child, so you need to make sure you never have one. Your DH can decide what he wants to do - maybe he secretly does not think he is done with having DC??