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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with DH?

172 replies

pinkytheunicorn · 14/01/2020 12:29

My DH and I have two children aged 1 and 3. Our sex life has been pretty much non existent since the birth of number two for a number of reasons (non sleeping baby, having to sleep in separate rooms half the time so he's rested for work etc ) but mainly also because I am terrified of falling pregnant again.

We're in our mid and late thirties. I have had two straightforward pregnancies but both births were difficult, one was extremely traumatic and left me with permanent damage downstairs and both ended up in surgery with significant haemorrhages etc etc. We've both said we categorically do not want any more babies, even if we were to split up (not on the cards!) with anyone else either. We're lucky to have the ones we have and never wanted more than two anyway.

I cannot take any form of hormonal contraception anymore (have discussed at length with GP) and I can't have the coil due to the birth damage I have. I also took the pill for fifteen years pre children and few like I've done my bit messing with my body. We both reluctantly use condoms with dislike but I'm still nervous, accidents happen!

So, other option is for him to have a vasectomy. Which he's said he will do. However he is faffing about doing it, keeps saying things like 'it's supposed to be really painful' and 'it makes me cringe the thought of having it done' Oh and 'it'll have to wait until the football season has ended or I'll have to miss matches!'

He's not against having it done, it's not like I've pushed him into it or anything however he is being such a bloody baby about it! I'm getting so annoyed, given what I've put my body through to give us a family.

AIBU?

OP posts:
foodandwine89 · 14/01/2020 15:13

Yabu. You either continue to use condoms or stop having sex. You cannot force a procedure on anyone. Just like he can't make you have an abortion or birth a child or take the pill. Nature has dealt women a pretty shitty card, I get that. But that still does not give you the right to demand a vasectomy. You can of course choose whether to have sex or not.

madcatladyforever · 14/01/2020 15:13

But that doesn't mean the man should automatically need to have a vasectomy afterwards! I mean, I doubt many women would want to be forced into surgery by their other halves.

Well that's fine but then he has to accept that OP might not want to have sex with him anymore given everything she has been through.She has had the lion's share of nasty and painful procedures.

LakieLady · 14/01/2020 15:21

I have loads of male friends who've had vasectomies and none of them have complained of any more than mildly achey balls for a couple of days afterwards. (Although one of them was stupid enough to Immac his goolies because he didn't fancy the idea of shaving them - burned like fuck, apparently!)

Does your DH have any friends who've had it done, who could reassure him?

messolini9 · 14/01/2020 15:21

'it's supposed to be really painful'

Says a man who is keen not to re-impregnate the wife who BIRTHED HIS 2 CHILDREN.

*'it'll have to wait until the football season has ended or I'll have to miss matches!'

That's fine darling, we will have to abstain from sex until after the season too then.
In fact, I'm not shagging you again until your tubes are fixed, it's too risky & right now you are being too precious & selfish to be fanciable anyway ...

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 14/01/2020 15:26

It is a minor procedure and on the whole most men are fine soon after. BUT for a proportion of men it can go very wrong with chronic pain which cant be resolved.

This. And it's quite a significant number of men too. It's not something that should be done lightly and men contemplating it should be fully informed about the risk of complications.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 14/01/2020 15:34

Right... so when he was happy for his DWife to be pregnant again, did he think about the ‘procedure she had down there’ and the pain she went through the first time around?

Did the op not want a child then? Was she forced to have one against her will? Maybe it was the op who pressured her husband into having another child?

This is ridiculous. Women want babies. There are countless threads on MN about it - women who want a child/another child but their partner doesn't. This isn't just something done to us without our consent. If you don't want the risk of birth injuries then don't get pregnant but to say that men have to have a vasectomy as some sort of recompense is ridiculous.

If the DH has a vasectomy and is one of a high % of men that suffer with permanent pain afterwards what should he demand the op has done in order to balance things out? An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind.

AngelsSins · 14/01/2020 15:37

Well I certainly wouldn’t be having sex with him if he’s not willing to share some of the burden of contraception, or at least there would be no PiV. You’ve been through enough, I totally agree it’s time for him to step up, especially as he’s already said he absolutely does not want more kids.

GidgetGirl · 14/01/2020 15:40

If the DH has a vasectomy and is one of a high % of men that suffer with permanent pain afterwards what should he demand the op has done in order to balance things out? An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind.

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras I wouldn’t really call 1% to 2% a ‘high percentage’.
www.healthline.com/health/mens-health/vasectomy-side-effects

AngelsSins · 14/01/2020 15:43

Did the op not want a child then? Was she forced to have one against her will? Maybe it was the op who pressured her husband into having another child?

This is ridiculous. Women want babies. There are countless threads on MN about it - women who want a child/another child but their partner doesn't. This isn't just something done to us without our consent. If you don't want the risk of birth injuries then don't get pregnant but to say that men have to have a vasectomy as some sort of recompense is ridiculous.

Ahhh I see, so men have it both ways?

Want kids? Well the woman does too, probably more so it’s fine that all the risks are on her and he doesn’t have to give that any consideration.

Don’t want kids? Fine to just say it, take no responsibility for it, and leave it all to the woman to sort out. Women MUST be aware of the possible side effects of a vasectomy and how bad that is. Men do not need to concern themselves with the risks to women from an abortion, contraception, hysterectomy or child birth, as that’s her choice.

So basically there is no partnership when it comes to contraception, family planning or pregnancy?

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 14/01/2020 15:47

Some studies suggest much higher rates

The incidence of post vasectomy testicular pain varies in reports. One study suggested 15 per cent of men experienced long term, debilitating testicular pain after a vasectomy[1]. Other reports suggest the figure could be as high as one in three men being affected by different degrees of pain and discomfort, varying in severity and over time.

Taken from this site (studies are referenced within the web page)

www.birminghamprostateclinic.co.uk/penile-urethral/conditions/post-vasectomy-pain-syndrome-post-vasectomy-testicular-pain/

DameFanny · 14/01/2020 15:48

What's a high percentage of men suffering pain with vasectomies? Pretty sure if there was any significant number we'd be hearing all about it

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 14/01/2020 15:50

Ahhh I see, so men have it both ways?

Not at all - women don't want children - use contraception or don't have sex.

Men don't want children - use contraception or don't have sex.

Quite simple.

Boobiliboobiliboo · 14/01/2020 15:51

Did the op not want a child then? Was she forced to have one against her will? Maybe it was the op who pressured her husband into having another child?

This is ridiculous. Women want babies

FFS.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 14/01/2020 15:51

DameFanny

Some studies suggest 10%, some suggest 1 in 3. Some studies suggest 1 - 2% suffer long term, debilitating pain which can be untreatable.

adaline · 14/01/2020 15:52

Some of the thought processes on here are actually pretty disturbing.

"Withhold sex until he has unnecessary surgery that could potentially cause him lifelong pain and problems"

"Kick him out of the marital bed because he doesn't want unnecessary life changing surgery"

I think it's massively unfair to blackmail someone into having surgery like that - which is essentially what's happening here. It's unfortunate OP had problems with her pregnancies, but until men can grow and birth children, there isn't really a way around it.

But her having troublesome pregnancies doesn't mean that her DH is obliged to go through surgery of his own.

BorissGiantJohnson · 14/01/2020 15:53

It's not fucking recompense. At all! There should be some give and take in relationships though, and the op has been the one giving for the last 15 years in terms of contraception, pregnancy, procedures "down there", maternity leave, not to mention statistically probably taken impact on her body, her career, her earnings, childcare etc. Now the dh has an opportunity to reciprocate, and to take on a tiny share of the pain but importantly the contraception. I also can't use hormonal contraception, and if my husband had decided against the snip after everything I've gone through giving birth etc, I'd have been fucking gobsmacked at the selfishness. Luckily for both of our health, and for our marriage, he did and it was fine. I went with him to the GP to get it done. It was basically the equivalent of having a smear, or getting your ears pierced.

DameFanny · 14/01/2020 15:53

Hmm, I for one can't imagine why a private penis clinic would want to overstate problems using a single very very old paper (1996!) and conflating immediate post-surgery discomfort with longer term problems Hmm

DameFanny · 14/01/2020 15:54

Where's the study that suggests 1 in 3?

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 14/01/2020 15:54

Have a search for yourself then. The research suggesting long term complications is there.

Cheeseandwin5 · 14/01/2020 15:55

Simply, if you are happy for him to force you into a medical procedure (no matter what it is) so his life is easier, than go ahead.
In the same way a woman's body is her choice so is a man's. All those agreeing with you, would be the first ones to scream abuse if this was on the other foot and a man was demanding his DH have a medical procedure she wasn't sure about.
It doesn't matter if you view it as small or if you have had babies.
its not a tit for tat transaction.
I suggest you take a step back- he is obviously saying things that will placate you but in reality if he was sure he would have done it. Instead of having a go , maybe it would be better if you try and empathise with him and understand his fears.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 14/01/2020 15:55

BorissGiantJohnson

Maybe he doesn't want to remove his fertlity permanently?

BorissGiantJohnson · 14/01/2020 15:56

Adaline only your thought processes are disturbing. She doesn't owe him sex. She's under no obligation to shag him. She can't use hormonal contraception and is uncomfortable with the level of risk of condoms. She's absolutely entitled to weigh up the risks and benefits and not have sex as a way to ensure she doesn't get pregnant. That's not blackmail, it's sensible decision making.

DameFanny · 14/01/2020 15:56

And even 2% is NOTHING in comparison to the number of women suffering side effects on the pill and/or lasting damage from birth injuries.

BorissGiantJohnson · 14/01/2020 15:57

Hearhooves yes that's a good point. They need to talk about it if that's the case.

adaline · 14/01/2020 15:58

Adaline only your thought processes are disturbing. She doesn't owe him sex. She's under no obligation to shag him

I didn't say that at all [hmm[

But forcing someone to have surgery because you don't want to use hormonal contraception is not the answer.

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