To be annoyed with DH?

[pinkytheunicorn]

My DH and I have two children aged 1 and 3. Our sex life has been pretty much non existent since the birth of number two for a number of reasons (non sleeping baby, having to sleep in separate rooms half the time so he's rested for work etc ) but mainly also because I am terrified of falling pregnant again.

We're in our mid and late thirties. I have had two straightforward pregnancies but both births were difficult, one was extremely traumatic and left me with permanent damage downstairs and both ended up in surgery with significant haemorrhages etc etc. We've both said we categorically do not want any more babies, even if we were to split up (not on the cards!) with anyone else either. We're lucky to have the ones we have and never wanted more than two anyway.

I cannot take any form of hormonal contraception anymore (have discussed at length with GP) and I can't have the coil due to the birth damage I have. I also took the pill for fifteen years pre children and few like I've done my bit messing with my body. We both reluctantly use condoms with dislike but I'm still nervous, accidents happen!

So, other option is for him to have a vasectomy. Which he's said he will do. However he is faffing about doing it, keeps saying things like 'it's supposed to be really painful' and 'it makes me cringe the thought of having it done' Oh and 'it'll have to wait until the football season has ended or I'll have to miss matches!'

He's not against having it done, it's not like I've pushed him into it or anything however he is being such a bloody baby about it! I'm getting so annoyed, given what I've put my body through to give us a family.

AIBU?

Tell him you won’t have sex unless it’s with a condom. He’ll soon change his mind. Never met a man yet who likes condoms.

Who decides that 'taking turns' applies?
The person whose turn it's been for the last 15 years, funnily enough.

he was in there for 45 mins and was actually quite traumatised when he came out
What a fucking hero, 45 minutes and with loads of local anaesthetic applied before anything even happened.
My first labour was 24 hours, no pain relief at all allowed for the first few hours, inadequate pain relief through most of it and finally my vagina got snipped open with scissors for the baby to be yanked out with forceps. I was quite traumatised TBF. 45 minutes with full pain relief and he was traumatised for Christ's sake, fuck off.

@BorissGiantJohnson I was in labour for 3 days with no pain relief until I had gas and air 5 hours before giving birth.

So what? Still wouldn't expect DP to have surgery on his knob if he wasn't comfortable with it

So I've got no sympathy for inconsequential bullshit. I wouldn't make dh have surgery he didn't feel comfortable either, but if he wasn't willing to have it just because it had a small chance of causing a tiny fraction of the pain I've been through I would lose all respect him and consider it fucking pathetic.

This thread beggars belief. Even comparing a vasectomy with pregnancy/childbirth/hormonal interference/hysterectomy is insulting.

^
This! Couldn't agree more.

OP you did your fair share of birth control by being on the pill. It's his turn now!

Saying condoms are a suitable solution till he is ready is laughable, as the risk of pregnancy only affects you, not him.

"He should have a vasectomy
You have given birth to two children. If he loves you and I longer wants any more children time to show you he values the family he has made with you, and of course your health and happiness

Telling a woman who has had two children in the circumstances you have that he is worried about the pain is quite remarkable."

What @stophuggingme said!

He should just get it done with!

DH was fine. Had the procedure in a GP surgery on a Friday, back to work on the Monday. He wouldn't necessarily have to miss the football if it's so important.

just tell him there's a 100% way of not getting pregnant so you're going for that one.

You can't force him into a vasectomy. But he can't force you to use any form of contraceptive either. So you have to reach a compromise. But I'd say it probably is his turn to take care of the contraception.

You're not married to this guy, by any chance?
www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/jan/05/why-do-i-keep-breaking-my-resolution-to-have-a-vasectomy

No one should be forced to permanently end their fertility.

Why are so many women on here saying "I had the children, now it's your turn"? Did you not want to have children? Are they not as much your child as they are the father's? You had a child solely for the benefit of the father? I would hope that you had a child because you wanted them so how come now it's down to the man to make it up to you?

I wanted children and so I had them. I don't see it's up to my partner to make it up to me, to compensate me or that he in any way owes me. Without him I wouldn't have my 2 amazing children. He isn't in my debt for the fact that I gave birth to 2 children (and I had terrible births and deliveries including life threatening complications).

No.one should be pressured into having a surgery that they aren't sure about. If the fear of pregnancy means that you don't want to have sex then that is something that the couple needs to talk about.

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras you'll be called a male apologist and an enabler in a minute

My sister got her tubes tied last year and she was 31 at the time. She had an ELCS and asked for it to be done at the same time and they did as she had good valid reasons - she has kids and doesn't want any more as her brood is big enough for her and she's been with her DH x amount of years and doesn't want any kore kids nor does - they asked what if they broke up etc but even she said if they did finish she wouldn't meet someone right away an then she would be late 30s with dc all In school and at an age they can care for themselves to an extent an she's guna have her life back so she wanted it done end of. So they literally did

You could have this done if you can't use any other form of contraception and dh isn't in a rush for the snip

My DP won't have the snip either- he's got 7 kids in total and 3 are with me(he's 40 next week) an they most certainly won't tie my tubes as I'm only 24.... iv asked him to get the snip an he won't so it's all on me to protect my body an a lot of men are like this it seems- but as i only gave birth 2 weeks ago I'm not yet in a position to get the contraception I want as I need a period first (urghhhhhh) and I'm super fertile right now so until then deffo no sex or even touching HA he can go tinkle in his shower away from me 😁 rather watch paint dry then have sex lately lol xx

@ Dontdisturbmenow

The 'turn taking' for maternity leave will happen when men can grow, feed, and carry an infant for 10 months and then squeeze it out of an orifice which is stretched beyond endurance until it tears, WITHOUT bloody local anaesthetic ( or have it surgically removed with extended recuperation) and be on their feet cleaning/ washing/ cooking as well as feeding the infant from their own stores of milk, using up the calories they eat feeding.

So when men can do all that, they can have their 'turn' at taking 'maternity leave' !

Plonker !

@ BorissGiantJohnson

You made me choke on my cuppa ! LOL :)

Yep, what a fu**g hero indeed, LOL.

FFS that list of potential problems -

Side effects right after surgery can include:

Bleeding or a blood clot (hematoma) inside the scrotum - a bruise, which will pass?
Blood in your semen - for a while
Bruising of your scrotum another kind of bruise
Infection of the surgery site antibiotics
Mild pain or discomfort um....
Swelling which will resolve

Delayed complications can include:

Chronic pain, which can happen for 1 to 2 percent of those who have surgery and is the only true complication, and can sometimes be corrected
Fluid buildup in the testicle, which can cause a dull ache that gets worse with ejaculation which can be corrected
Inflammation caused by leaking sperm (granuloma) which will resolve or be corrected
Pregnancy, in the event that your vasectomy fails, which is rare. far lower risk than other contraception’s
An abnormal cyst (spermatocele) that develops in the small, coiled tube located on the upper testicle that collects and transports sperm (epididymis) which can be fixed
A fluid-filled sac (hydrocele) surrounding a testicle that causes swelling in the scrotum which can be fixed

Would it be unreasonable to suggest some men need to grow a pair before getting the snip!

This is like reading the info slip with a prescription. Don’t ignore it, but if we always looked at every damn issue there’d be no babies born at all.

@ Hearhoovesthinkzebras

Did you miss the part in the OP that said that both the OP and her DH had agreed that him having the snip was what they both thought was best and that he was just procrastinating as it may interfere with football watching ??

And in case you think I’m saying all men, my DH wanted the snip, and I thought he was far too casual about it, and suggested we have a proper conversation!

@ lborgia

Yup, now let's see the list of POSSIBLE complications for

1. Hysterectomy/ female sterilisation
2. The pill
3. The implant
4. The coil
5. An unplanned pregnancy.

Thought so, THAT list is a LOT bloody longer isn't it ??

I booked my husband's appointment, this was 30 years ago , I phoned up and said my husband would like a vasectomy lol..he wasnt keen because he has a needle phobia. During the lead up to the appointment I wasnt allowed to mention it , so I wasnt sure he would go ahead with it.He came backed soaked in sweat but pretty proud of himself !

@nowayhose, you proved my point.

Maternity leave is not a reward for mother who deserve to have more time with their kids baby just because nature decided that she'd get to carry the baby.

It's there for the benefit of the baby. It is time to accept that a child gain as much from quality time with their father than their mother.

It's amazing how women are ok to take control of contraception when they want children, but the moment they don't, they feel entitled to pass the buck.

@ GiveHerHellFromUs

You're hilarious, lol. :)

Do you even know what testicles are, lol.

Um, I think I’m agreeing with you - did you see my responses in italics?

Maybe you were agreeing with me but your sarcasm was so dry I couldn’t tell. Sorry!

@ Dontdisturbmenow

''He will need to have a counselling session first'', lol, lol. ROFL.

I keep picturing a group of men, all planning vasectomies, being given 'counselling' to plan for it. :) ( just like the sessions women have with midwives AFTER they are pregnant) :)

Yep, DH was given first appt in counselling mode. At which doctor asked if he was planning on telling me...