To be annoyed with DH?

[pinkytheunicorn]

My DH and I have two children aged 1 and 3. Our sex life has been pretty much non existent since the birth of number two for a number of reasons (non sleeping baby, having to sleep in separate rooms half the time so he's rested for work etc ) but mainly also because I am terrified of falling pregnant again.

We're in our mid and late thirties. I have had two straightforward pregnancies but both births were difficult, one was extremely traumatic and left me with permanent damage downstairs and both ended up in surgery with significant haemorrhages etc etc. We've both said we categorically do not want any more babies, even if we were to split up (not on the cards!) with anyone else either. We're lucky to have the ones we have and never wanted more than two anyway.

I cannot take any form of hormonal contraception anymore (have discussed at length with GP) and I can't have the coil due to the birth damage I have. I also took the pill for fifteen years pre children and few like I've done my bit messing with my body. We both reluctantly use condoms with dislike but I'm still nervous, accidents happen!

So, other option is for him to have a vasectomy. Which he's said he will do. However he is faffing about doing it, keeps saying things like 'it's supposed to be really painful' and 'it makes me cringe the thought of having it done' Oh and 'it'll have to wait until the football season has ended or I'll have to miss matches!'

He's not against having it done, it's not like I've pushed him into it or anything however he is being such a bloody baby about it! I'm getting so annoyed, given what I've put my body through to give us a family.

AIBU?

I think he's being hugely selfish given the alternatives to you OP which offer physical risks and mental distress.

I'll take a look HearHooves, but you seemed so confident I thought you must have the research at your fingertips

Adaline only your thought processes are disturbing. She doesn't owe him sex. She's under no obligation to shag him

I didn't say that at all

Forcing someone to have surgery because you don't want to use hormonal contraception is not the answer.

Here we are DameFanny from an NHS website

Long-term testicular pain affects around one in 10 men after vasectomy.

www.nhsdirect.wales.nhs.uk/encyclopaedia/v/article/Vasectomy/#risks

No, the answer is to abstain from sex where there is a level of pregnancy risk that you're unhappy to take.

I'm looking, but that contradicts the main NHS website which says long term complications are rare - unless it's that most of that 10% also falls under the "most men, however, any pain is quite mild and they do not need further help for it"?

But I'm not finding e.g. papers showing complications that are more recent than the current iteration of the procedure?

Well, maybe take it up with the NHS then seeing as they are their figures?

This is the quote, in full. They clearly make a distinction between short term pain and long term pain, for which they cite figures of 10%. Best in mind that this is just the complication of pain. They also deal with the other complications separately.

Long-term testicle pain

Some men get pain in one or both of their testicles after a vasectomy. It can happen immediately, a few months or a few years after the operation. It may be occasional or quite frequent, and vary from a constant dull ache to episodes of sharp, intense pain. For most men, however, any pain is quite mild and they do not need further help for it.

Long-term testicular pain affects around one in 10 men after vasectomy. The pain is usually the result of a pinched nerve or scarring that occurred during the operation. You may be advised to undergo further surgery to repair the damage and to help minimise further pain.

This thread beggars belief. Even comparing a vasectomy with pregnancy/childbirth/hormonal interference/hysterectomy is insulting.

Fucking apologists for self-obsessed men everywhere.

Maybe he tells you he doesn’t want any more children even if you were to split up and he probably means it, but maybe there is a part of him that is reluctant to limit his future life choices in that way? I agree with you it’s a ridiculous series of reasons for a man committed to this course of action so one has to question his commitment.

@adaline

I am not sure if people are purposely being malicious or are just plain stupid when misunderstanding Adaline's post. She has not said woman have to have sex or a DH is owed sex.
What she is saying that by withdrawing sex to get your way is a controlling and manipulative behaviour.
How would these posters feel if the DH said he would only have the procedure if she had to have sex whenever he wanted?

So many answers here that are, unsurprisingly, ridiculous.

@CheshireDing What’s it called when one partner puts pressure on another partner and uses threats as a way of having their demands met? Isn’t it abuse? Imagine the roles reversed, you mad nutter. And anyway, what if OP really wants a shag?

@AngelsSins

Um, the point I was trying to make is that the husband didn’t want these things for his wife, they were unforeseen and the pair of them decided to take the risk. In this case, the pair don’t want to take the risk, one is pressuring the other. That isn’t the same.

@pinkytheunicorn there is an element of the lady protesting too much, in all this. But anyway, the ‘I’ve taken care of it for the last 15 years’ argument is a red herring. If there was a prearranged agreement that you would do 15 years and he would take the next 15 years, then fair play. But that doesn’t seem to be the case. You both made joint decisions which were best for you as a pair at the time and by pulling this particular argument out of your hat now, to force the issue upon him, is disingenuous bullying and the rewriting of history.

He’s an adult and it’s his body, he’ll decide what he wants to do with it and you can have a say on the solutions to work around his decision.

confusedandemployed

The long and short of it is that no one has the right to co erce another person into having a medical procedure.

If he agrees on principle but delaying because of fear of pain, then he is being a bit of a wuss. If however he doesn't want to have it done because he doesn't feel it's right for him, then he shouldn't.

I personally think that any men who agree to it are fools unless they are absolutely completely certain they would never want another child even if tragedy were to happen.

A friend of mine went ahead with it in similar situation than OP. He was happy in his marriage, two beautiful children. Then his wife demanded a divorce out of the blue 5 years later, and 2 more years took her kids to Hong Kong after her new husband was based there.

He met a lovely lady, became serious but she didn't have children and desperately wanted to be a mum. He never thought he would want another child so badly. They did icsi 3 times but failed. In 5gecend, she left him too as she was so desperate to have a child and the whole thing took its toll 8n their relationship. 1 year later, she was with someone else pregnant. My friend suffers from depression, misses her massively and know that life would have been much different if he had refused the vasectomy.

We never think life could take a massive turn.

@oofadoofa they were only unforeseen the FIRST time, not the second and certainly NOT THE THEID TIME OF THE OP HAPPENS TO FALL PREGNANT AGAIN BECAUSE OF A CONDOM FAILURE.
sorry about shouting but I really do not accept that her DH has no responsibility at all in her taking the risk of being pregnant again if there is a condom failure.
And imo HE WILL BE RESPONSIBLE If this does happen and he will NOTo say they were unseen circumstances.
Condoms failure rate is high, it’s very well known. The OP can’t have hormonal contraception and might not even be able to have the MAP or an early absorption because of that. So is it REALLY ok for her DH to ask her to take that level of risk? To either get through another pregnancy and out her health into jeopardy or have a later abortion (with all the physical risk as well as the emotional issues) all that because he doesn’t want to miss the football season?!?

I can understand him not wanting it done. Who would WANT it done? But to be honest I get so annoyed that contraception has to be down to the woman every single time. Obviously as well as carrying the baby and birthing the baby and breastfeeding the baby...

I think it's the fairest option in your case by far.

Forcing someone to have surgery because you don't want to use hormonal contraception is not the answer.

Lots of people can’t use hormonal contraception.

It doesn't sound like op is coercing her dh into having a vasectomy to me. If she doesn't want to have sex because the risk of getting pregnant means she doesn't enjoy it then that is her choice. It is her dh's choice to have a vasectomy, and seeing as he's agreed to it op is within her rights to be pissed off that he's making excuses. He should just be honest with her! It must be so frustrating! It's the frustration and avoidance that brings in the comparison between what she's been through on their behalf and what he's dragging his feet about. I would be pretty angry too op. Ask him to be honest with you so you can make a plan together.

Lots of people can’t use hormonal contraception

That still doesn't give them the right to force someone to have surgery that they don't want.

Lots of people can’t use hormonal contraception.

That doesn't mean they can force their other half to have surgery!

Fucking apologists for self-obsessed men everywhere

Indeed. I wonder what the stats for for birth injuries that need surgery to fix.. if you can find a doctor to take you seriously.

The only other option OP is to tell him sex is completely off the table until you're old enough to be sterilised. Not fun for you granted but better that then a surprise baby.

Indeed. I wonder what the stats for for birth injuries that need surgery to fix.. if you can find a doctor to take you seriously.

Right, but that still doesn't mean the man has to have surgery!

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras
Nope but then the woman is very much within her right to refuse to have sex to be sure she doesn’t get pregnant too.
Telling he DH that she is not going to have sex because she is afraid of being pg again isn’t bullying or coercition, it’s telling him the facts, the ines where facing pregnancy again is just not a feasible option for her.

Btw @oofadoofa, I am sure you do know, like the OP’s DH know, that
NO PREGNANCY OS TOTALLY SAFE AND THAT THE RISK OF DEATH FOR THE WOMAN AS WELL INJEY IS NON NEGLIGEABLE.
sure women do not die in childbirth like they use to. But being prégnants not a ‘safe thing to do’ and imo certainly less safe than being pregnant in the first place.
So all th talk about the poor DH not having a clue that his dwife could have a hard time from pg and childbirth is rubbish. He KNEW and still thought it was an acceptable risk. The first time AND the second time.
Is it really ok for him to say that he is happy to take that risk again? Regardless of the consequences for the OP that will go much further than ‘occasional pain’???

Also some woman suffer spasms in their tubes after it's been done. Not that people care about that either