To be annoyed with DH?

[pinkytheunicorn]

My DH and I have two children aged 1 and 3. Our sex life has been pretty much non existent since the birth of number two for a number of reasons (non sleeping baby, having to sleep in separate rooms half the time so he's rested for work etc ) but mainly also because I am terrified of falling pregnant again.

We're in our mid and late thirties. I have had two straightforward pregnancies but both births were difficult, one was extremely traumatic and left me with permanent damage downstairs and both ended up in surgery with significant haemorrhages etc etc. We've both said we categorically do not want any more babies, even if we were to split up (not on the cards!) with anyone else either. We're lucky to have the ones we have and never wanted more than two anyway.

I cannot take any form of hormonal contraception anymore (have discussed at length with GP) and I can't have the coil due to the birth damage I have. I also took the pill for fifteen years pre children and few like I've done my bit messing with my body. We both reluctantly use condoms with dislike but I'm still nervous, accidents happen!

So, other option is for him to have a vasectomy. Which he's said he will do. However he is faffing about doing it, keeps saying things like 'it's supposed to be really painful' and 'it makes me cringe the thought of having it done' Oh and 'it'll have to wait until the football season has ended or I'll have to miss matches!'

He's not against having it done, it's not like I've pushed him into it or anything however he is being such a bloody baby about it! I'm getting so annoyed, given what I've put my body through to give us a family.

AIBU?

The long and short of it is that no one has the right to co erce another person into having a medical procedure.

Who's coercing who? OP is perfectly within her rights to not have sex if she's uncomfortable doing so with condoms.

you dont want more kids, he dont want more kids, you cant/wont go on pill , he wont get his knackers dissected then the answer is you get your tubes done or use condoms or no sex. i had mine done years ago sore stitches for a while but once its done its done

@Amaretto

You’re shouting because you’re wrong.

At what point did anyone suggest that the husband bares no responsibility for her pregnancies? That was weird. And you seem to have skipped right passed the point about previous decisions being joint decisions and this one not. But it’s okay, continue shouting, I mean you are effectively having a debate with yourself at this point.

Also some woman suffer spasms in their tubes after it's been done. Not that people care about that either

Nobody has said that so maybe stop making shit up?

Agree with everything @adaline has said.

Nobody has said that so maybe stop making shit up?

Who's making shit up. I know of 2 woman in my immediate circle who get spasms around ovulation and pain. I know more men who've had the snip and have had absolutely no problems.

Or do only men matter?

@gamerchick I think she means nobody said people don’t care about that...

given that it is you OP that is terrified of another pregnancy I do think the onus is on you.

I knew that I didn't want any more, DH was in agreement but I didn't want to risk any accidents so I undertook the procedure. Yes, the next day I was in pain, but I am happy in the knowledge that I will not become pregnant.

wow if he's been around to witness the duration and aftermath of, even my two 'normal', labour and deliveries to come out with something like that.. i'd be furious! but then i wouldn't mind not being pestered for sex either.

Regardless of the consequences for the OP that will go much further than ‘occasional pain’???

The men that fall into the category of intractable pain post vasectomy aren't having "occasional pain". They are having debilitating, life changing pain with, in many cases, no treatment.

Anyone has the right to decide that they don't want to undergo surgery. Any woman that doesn't want to risk childbirth injuries absolutely has the right to.opt not to have children. If the op decides not to have sex with her husband again then if course that is her right. Her husband might then decide to.keavevtge marriage, which is again his right.

There is absolute nothing a woman can do during her child-bearing years that is risk-free apart from sexual abstinence or only having sex with a man who has had the snip.

I'm sorry for anyone having weigh up the pros and cons of this issue, but it is his turn to take this minor risk.

There is absolute nothing a woman can do during her child-bearing years that is risk-free apart from sexual abstinence or only having sex with a man who has had the snip.

Or she can be sterilised herself

If the op decides not to have sex with her husband again then if course that is her right. Her husband might then decide to.keavevtge marriage, which is again his right

Heh either fuck me or I'll leave. Brilliant

Good luck OP.

I actually think it is time for him to step up and get it done. You have carried 2 babies, suffered pain, trauma, damage and surgery, your work is done! Tell him to get over it and get to the clinic.

Yanbu.

He said he would get a vasectomy and is deciding to make excuses instead of getting it done. If he doesn’t want to do it, he should say so.

Does he realise that something is going to have to happen?

It will either be

A. you having your tubes tied, which means another procedure.

B. An unplanned pregnancy where you will go through childbirth again

C. An unplanned pregnancy and you having an abortion which means another procedure for you

D. He gets the vasectomy and lets his wife’s body have a break.

Gosh these threads are fast moving and get very serious in tone!

Ok, to set thing a straight:

DH is not being coerced, abused, bullied, manipulated, forced, or any other those other things. He agrees he needs to have one, he's faffing around doing it because he's heard it hurts, we have to pay for it (we can afford it) and he doesn't want to miss football. My aibu was am I unreasonable to be annoyed by this considering I am unable to have hormonal contraception and don't trust condoms, have been in great pain several times over etc etc and in my view of he wants our sex life back on track (which he does) then he should suck it up for a couple of days!

I mean, one of his questions was 'do you think the recovery time will be similar when you had your caesarean? I mean not as bad, obviously, but like that?'

I nearly clonked him on the head there and then. I sent him some links to NHS websites with proper information on them. He's been educated!

He's just a bloody drama queen.

YANBU. I had this issue with my ex. He didn't want a vasectomy, so the options were condoms or no sex (which didn't actually bother me at all!)

He did eventually have a vasectomy, it was a really minor procedure.

@Newbie1999 and @SunshineAngel are you both male?

Having the snip is a drop in the ocean in terms of pain, compared with giving birth twice, especially if you had difficult births like yourself. I'm totally with you on this OP.

Yanbu, you've done your share now it's up to him.
DH had it at doctors surgery that did minor ops , from memory I think he was only there for a couple of hours , he was back to normal within a couple of days , think he had it done on a Friday and only needed Friday afternoon off work back to normal by Monday, mind you if you had a more active job you may need a bit longer, but my impression was it took a lot less recovery than childbirth! The thought of it is probably worse than the reality and ime nursing staff are really good at reassuring nervous patients.

Tell him to stop faffing about you are going to make him an appointment yourself and he need to go.
You want him back in your marital bed where he should be and get your marriage back on tack ASAP. X

@chocolatesaltyballs22 I’m a woman and have also given birth twice.

DH was in pain for about 12 hours. Then he was uncomfortable for another day or so. Then occcasionally it 'snagged' for maybe a week. If your dh plays football he's probably suffered more pain from a pulled muscle.

@ Newbie1999 - Good grief, you actually think a vasectomy is a big deal compared to childbirth ? In someone who definitely doesn't want more DC as the Op stated ?

And @ Singletomingle, I'd be FAR more interested in the figures showing how many women are left with ''long term pain'' after childbirth, and how many women lose interest in sex afterwards too ! I'm pretty goddam sure they'd be a lot more impressive !

Bottom line ? There's not a single medical treatment for birth control that DOESN'T have possible side effects, but as BOTH parents share this responsibility, and the OP's body has already suffered ''permanent damage downstairs'' due to carrying and birthing two babies, I'd be bloody adamant my DH took HIS turn at having a medical procedure ( a MINOR one at that !) which was to benefit both the OP and her DH.

Or would you argue that it was the OP's turn AGAIN to both take the responsibility and manage to cope with both the damage to her body which has already been done as well as the potential '' side effects'' of further birth control ??

If that's the case OP, if I were you, I'd tell my DH that I have taken things in hand, and to prevent any unexpected pregnancies I'd suggest separate sleeping arrangements on a permanent basis, as you've already contributed enough towards family planning.

TBF my DH had a vasectomy and it went wrong during the procedure - I think the doctor couldn't find the tubes or something, not sure exactly, but he was in there for 45 mins and was actually quite traumatised when he came out. So while I think for most men it's not too bad it can sometimes be quite unpleasant. However - yes, you have done your bit contraception wise and have permanently damaged your body through childbirth - the ball (pardon the pun) is definitely in his court now, you have done your bit and then some.

I'm sorry for anyone having weigh up the pros and cons of this issue, but it is his turn to take this minor risk
Who decides that 'taking turns' applies? Only here do women consider that men and women should take turn, that is when it suits the women of course, not as much strongly felt views on taking turns when it comes to maternity leave for instance...

OP, what research as your OH done on this matter? It sounds like he is building his assumptions from earsay rather than facts. He will need to have a counselling session first anyway, so can you encourage him to go to this at least? He can then be reassured that it is not half as painful as he currently thinks.