Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

He’s 4 weeks old and I hate my life

999 replies

clairindespair · 14/01/2020 09:12

Hi I’m gonna get so much shit for this but I absolutely hate my life after having my son. Birth wasn’t pleasant resulting in emergency c section and I am in a financial crisis after student loan hasn’t been paid leaving me with 70p as formula just siphons my money (unable to BF)

He screams for food and doesn’t do anything else. Just screams. Cluster feeds all through the early hours of the morning. I’m a single mum and have no one, I’ve had 4 hours sleep in 5 days and I am struggling to keep my eyes open. My house is a mess cos I have no energy or time to clean it. I am stuck on a third floor with no lift and feel so isolated as I can’t even find the energy to take his pram down the stairs in 3 bits then reassemble it. He doesn’t smile or coo or make any noise except a horrific cry and the occasional grunt. Just cries and looks blank most of the time. I’m starting to hate him. I want my old life back. I’m off uni till May and I want to go back now. I’m so fed up. I hate my life.

OP posts:
AnneKipanki · 14/01/2020 09:56
Flowers Great that you have a GP appointment.

Your child will not 'hate' you. Your child NEEDS you.
You may have PND ..you have just had a birth .
Lots of people thinking of you.

Mypathtriedtokillme · 14/01/2020 09:56

I found the 1st 12 weeks are just about survival. Newborns are just eat, nappies, sleep (scream) repeat.
My oldest was a screamer. It was either asleep or bones through flesh screaming. No in between. But honestly it gets better.
I found a sling or carrier a godsend, even if you just tuck your baby in the sling and vacuum or bad dance around to music.
Dd liked to listen to me read out loud while cuddling. (I read her the game of thrones red wedding and it hasn’t scared her much)

Don’t worry about the messy house.
Get what you can done and that’s it.
I used to try and do one room a day.
Nap whenever you can and do what you need to do to get the baby to sleep (Dd1 liked the vacuum running or death metal)

oatmilk4breakfast · 14/01/2020 09:56

OP, I promise you your baby is not capable of hating you. He can’t. Babies can’t do that. His brain doesn’t have the capability to produce that sort of emotion. Please 100% this is a scientific fact. He is not hating you. That is impossible. I’m not saying this to be nice. It’s just a fact. You’ve carried him all this time, he’s never seen anything at all about the world or other people. He can feel pain, and tiredness and hunger, and frustration but he doesn’t know what all those things are. You are his link to the world and to himself. You are his world.

spiderlight · 14/01/2020 09:56

He doesn't hate you. At this age he still thinks that he's part of you - Google 'fourth trimester'. I hope your GP is helpful later Flowers

JeannieTheZebra · 14/01/2020 09:56

Can you see what bank account they’ve paid it into?

Librocubicularist · 14/01/2020 09:57

@clairindespair big hugs. I really feel for you - I had emergency C section and lived in a 3rd floor flat with no lift. It's bloody awful. Although I did have my ExDP, but he would bugger off for hours. You are

Can any of your neighbours help you with taking the buggy downstairs? If you have a car, store your buggy in the boot.

Where are you based? Is there home-start near you? www.home-start.org.uk/ The HV told me about it.

Get a baby carrier. Are there any sling libraries near you? It so much easier than getting the buggy up and down the stairs. You should be ok after 6 weeks.

Are there any mother and baby groups near you? Do you a children's centre nearby?

Original poster
clairindespair · 14/01/2020 09:57

Student finance have been useless

OP posts:
LaurieMarlow · 14/01/2020 09:57

Get the info from student finance. When was it issued. What account was it sent to. Any references of the transactions.

Then take that to the bank.

VioletVerity · 14/01/2020 09:58

I really feel for you OPThanks

Nobody tells you how hard being a new mum is, the first few weeks are the hardest. It's a whole different world for you and your baby! I struggled with adapting and honestly thought I'd made a mistake when I came home with DD, it's like realisation hits you in the face! I can't imagine how you feel with nobody around for support but I'd definitely take advantage of local baby groups (when you feel up to it) and even apps for new mothers to meet (peanut springs to mind) you've made a huge step in going to speak to your GP today though, well done. Make sure you tell them exactly how you are feeling so you get the right support. Sorry to hear about your HV not being supportive.

You are doing amazing and you should be really proud of yourself. Although you may not feel it, you are your sons world. He's not crying at you, he's crying because there's a problem likely an allergy to the formula (I know a few people who've had the same issue) so best to check.

Finally, I hope you're not beating yourself up about BF. With you saying you really wanted to but your ducts won't allow you to. I've been in this position myself, although after a traumatic forceps delivery and major blood loss I couldn't produce enough milk. It's a horrible feeling but I promise once you've cracked the screaming (if it's a milk allergy) your son will thrive on formula.

Sending you big hugs Thanks

LaurieMarlow · 14/01/2020 09:58

Tell student finance you have a new baby that needs to be fed and they can pull their finger out of their arse.

AnuvvaMuvva · 14/01/2020 09:58

Your university will have a Pastoral Care team, or someone responsible for the well-being of students. They're the person you need now, to help sort out the missing money.

oatmilk4breakfast · 14/01/2020 09:59

I’m so sorry you’re feeling so desperate. If you went to any church in our town and there was a cafe or similar someone would at the very least sit you down with a cup of tea. Try also Gingerbread helpline for single parents/ 08088020925

Urkiddingright · 14/01/2020 09:59

Call student finance back, call them every single day until you get that loan. Tell them you have not received it and you have contacted the bank who confirm it has not been received, keep at it until you get the money.

You are entitled to benefits as a FT student now you are also a single parent. When I was a student I got tax credits and there’s also a single parent grant which you should ask the uni about.

You don’t need to be on benefits to go to a food bank. My Grandad volunteers at his local food bank and he said most people who are in need do actually work. Nurses have needed food banks, it has been in the press. Contact your GP for an appointment ASAP please, it sounds as though you have PND.

I had PND after my first child was born. I was slightly younger than you and also a student at the time. He had colic from day one and just seemed to scream 24/7. I resented him and even said I wanted him to be put up for adoption at one stage, I was desperately exhausted and just miserable. He is almost ten now and the light of my life, he’s a fantastic kid. It does get easier OP, I absolutely promise you. You just need some help at the minute, there’s nothing wrong with admitting that. Parenting is hard, it can feel utterly relentless when they’re so small and just seem to cry and do nothing else. You are not alone, I promise.

Insertdeadcatsnamehere · 14/01/2020 09:59

I know this isn't your main issue but if there's a sling library near you you could try some out and borrow one. Being able to get you both out of the house in one go makes so much difference. I've got loads of steep steps up to my house and using a sling made everything seem so much easier...felt much less trapped and getting out every day breaks the time up too. Also baby might be happier upright in a sling if some of the crying is down to wind!

steff13 · 14/01/2020 09:59

Could you maybe download the bank statements online and then email them to the finance place? It would be faster and save on a stamp.

Original poster
clairindespair · 14/01/2020 09:59

I will phone student finance again and shout.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 14/01/2020 10:00

OP,
You are in a very difficult situation.

There is absolutely no shame in spelling it out to your GP if you feel you cannot cope and that you need for the baby to be given foster care.

You are so young. Do not feel bad for this thinking motherhood is not for you right now.

The most important thing you can do is speak honestly to the GP about what is best for your baby and what is best for you.

You sound like a really great girl in a very difficult, scary position.

But, you do have options.

Insist your GP helps you.

💐💐

Babynumber2dueNov · 14/01/2020 10:00

It’s totally normal to feel like this. I’ve got a 10 week old and fully understand how you feel. I was in a 7th floor flat with my first and it was hell. Have you got any other mum friends you’ve met? If not please feel free to DM me and we can chat on WhatsApp or something- it’s just sooooo shit and I really do get it. You can’t just sit in silence, you need more than that. It does get better though! When they can move and chat and play it’s seriously amazing. You’ll get there. I’m married but we massively struggled with no money when we had our first. That stress alone is a killer, and then having a newborn and being alone on top of it, you’re doing amazingly just surviving! I’m thinking of you and sending mummy strength vibes xxx

Original poster
clairindespair · 14/01/2020 10:00

I don’t have any bond with him. I don’t want to cuddle him - he hates it anyway. A sling will probably just piss him off as he doesn’t seem to like being close to me

OP posts:
paddingtonbearsmarmalade · 14/01/2020 10:01

I’m in the Peak District not far from Tameside or Manchester - feel free to PM if you want to chat. I know nothing about babies but I do know about being a student/managing money/being a listening ear so please do reach out if you think it would be helpful. (I absolutely won’t be offended if you don’t want to though!)

Wingedserpentfliesbynight · 14/01/2020 10:01

'He just eats and falls asleep there’s absolutely no interaction at all'

At 4 weeks that is COMPLETELY normal.

Louloulovesyou · 14/01/2020 10:02

Please contact one manchester they will help you

Librocubicularist · 14/01/2020 10:02

Sorry missed Tameside.

Blahblahblahnanana · 14/01/2020 10:02
  1. Ring uni and apply for the hardship fund
  2. Apply for universal credit online (you’re entitled now you’re a single parent) you can apply for an advanced payment while you’re waiting for your application to be assessed.