He’s 4 weeks old and I hate my life

[clairindespair]

Hi I’m gonna get so much shit for this but I absolutely hate my life after having my son. Birth wasn’t pleasant resulting in emergency c section and I am in a financial crisis after student loan hasn’t been paid leaving me with 70p as formula just siphons my money (unable to BF)

He screams for food and doesn’t do anything else. Just screams. Cluster feeds all through the early hours of the morning. I’m a single mum and have no one, I’ve had 4 hours sleep in 5 days and I am struggling to keep my eyes open. My house is a mess cos I have no energy or time to clean it. I am stuck on a third floor with no lift and feel so isolated as I can’t even find the energy to take his pram down the stairs in 3 bits then reassemble it. He doesn’t smile or coo or make any noise except a horrific cry and the occasional grunt. Just cries and looks blank most of the time. I’m starting to hate him. I want my old life back. I’m off uni till May and I want to go back now. I’m so fed up. I hate my life.

Bless you. Sounds hard. Also sounds like you have no support. Babies especially in the first six weeks are adjusting to life outside the womb. This can be a a tough bit. I wasn't doing it all alone either. A few more weeks and he will start to change a little. I get 100% where you are coming from. My house has never been how I like it since having kids. Some days I think oh for fuck sake as soon as I come downstairs and see the mess. It always gets sorted though.

My honest advice is force a small change. Speak to you health visitor too! Get dressed today. Force yourself to take the pram downstairs. Put the baby in the pram and go for a walk. I really get how hard it is. But it will get you outside and break the day down a little today. Go for a nice Riverside walk or is there a peaceful park to walk in? The fresh air is great for frustration. It tires babies out. It helps you stomp along and clear your mind. Then get back home and have a cuppa and write a small list. Nothing huge. Just do a small job to make you feel better.

Have you got any family for support? I had very limited support once my partner was at work. My parents aren't very supportive or hands on. Even today I'm not allowed to call in my mum's for a drink because her shop is coming for Asda. I sometimes feel incredibly alone. .

This isn't exactly a tip many would think is amazing but it helped me. I watched call the midwife when one of mine was small. I got into it and it became something to keep busy in a smaller world. Just having a good boxset to enjoy watching helped me have abit of downtime.

It gets better. these days turn into a giggling six month old baby that sleeps longer, feeds less. Then you have an 8 month who will be giggling in the swing at the park. This newborn tiring stage doesn't last very long. That said you need some support. Is there any friends to call in for a cuppa. Im sure many would send you for a bath and enjoy a half hour snuggle with the baby. I get it's not always easy though.

Haven't read all replies but didn't want to read and run. Get to GP asap. They should be able to help you. At this age, babies don't interact but over the next week or so you should start to see the odd smile. Talk to your baby. About anything. About what you do at uni, hobbies etc. They know your voice and will start to react to you over the next weeks. It will get easier. The first weeks are so tough. I know you said it's hard to get out but that will help if you can just get out for fresh air. And if baby cries in the pram it doesn't matter. I felt so much pressure with first baby to stop them crying but babies do cry. Find your local mum and baby group as well. You can hopefully make some friends there as they are in the same boat x

Oh and I wanted to also say, you can request to change health visitors if you feel yours isn’t very helpful. Colic could be the issue with your baby, it may be a reaction to the formula and might need to switch. It’s something worth mentioning to the GP. Gripe water helped my son as did infacol.

A sling/baby carrier would be better than pram given your living situation. Check Facebook selling page or eBay for cheap ones. I know you had a c-section but I found baby wearing fine after mine and I think it’s better for your recovery than lifting a heavy pram down three flights of stairs.

The hardship fund from my uni takes 28 working days to process. If it can go wrong it has!

Hey, I am in Tameside. Pm me

Agree with @billy1966

I genuinely just think he hates me

He really doesn't. You are his world. I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. It won't last forever though I promise. Do you know the The Mumsnet mantra - this too will pass. It's very true. You CAN get through this and it won't be like this forever. Your baby will grow and become more interactive, and you will find the support you need.

Do you know, there is nothing wrong with you? Becoming a new mother with support is really, really tough. Without decent support and without money is even harder.

Well done for posting here. You may not see it now as it's so tough, but you're being a great mum, you're reaching out for the help you need. This is the beginning of it getting better.

I'm assuming you are at university not college. if you are at college it might be different.

Speak to your student finance department, they can help with sorting out your student loan and should have some kind of hardship fund they can use to tide you over until it comes.

Contact student finance and tell them you now have a baby, you will be eligible for a grant.

As I said above, as a parent you are also eligible for some benefits.

Ask your GP for a referral to a food bank, and be completely honest about how you are feeling. I don't want to get into armchair diagnosing, but it does sound as though you have PND.

I know things are tough now, the early days with a new bay often are nothing like the dream scenarios painted by the media and books, but this will pass, things do get easier.

These people run several foodbanks in Manchester. Call them or email them and they will speak to you about how to access. Explain your current situation and they will talk to you about urgent help.
They're open until 12pm today.
They're opposite the Student Union at Manc Uni.

07928412339
Email us
[email protected]

Look up your nearest children's centre they will help you. Most children's centre's have a young mums group, where you will meet other mums, who will completely understand you. Pick up the phone call childrens centre, explain your situation, ask them to help you get the support you need.

all of these can help you with a permanent referral for food bank:
Citizens Advice, housing support officers, children’s centres, health visitors, social services and some local charities.

You poor thing, can't suggest any practical help as I'm in another country, but just want to agree with others that your reactions now are totally understandable, normal and obviously not evil. If you were evil you wouldn't give a shit, but you clearly feel awful!

I had trouble breastfeeding my dd in the first few weeks due to a tongue tie, and remember sitting looking at her screaming at me in the middle of the night and thinking I was such a crap mother.

When they learn to smile and laugh, it does make such a big difference.

Stuff the cleaning until he is at least 4 months old, sit and watch something nice on TV while eating chocolate, and wrap baby in a blanket so he can't scratch you. Is there any sort of area downstairs where you could chain up the pram?

The hardship fund from my uni takes 28 working days to process. If it can go wrong it has!

That doesn't sound right, they are usually processed within one day, possibly two. There would be no point to them if they took that long - they exist to deal with immediate and exceptional circumstances.

As PPs have said, get yourself to the Drs and tell them you need help.
The baby's Father; is he involved? Maybe he can contribute for formula

OP first of all I am certainly not going to flame you. Being a new mother is so hard. Being a new and single mother must feel impossibly tough. Nobody would find being in your situation easy. You must feel exhausted through and through.

You've had loads of good advice above but right now I want you do do something for you. Make sure your baby is fed and clean and winded then pop him in his cot and leave him there for 15 minutes. He will cry but let him for a while.

Put the kettle on

Brush your teeth then get yourself in the shower, relax for 10 minutes with a good hot shower - he will cry but he's fine... he's safe, he's fed, he's clean...

Now get out of shower, pop on clean clothes ... he will cry but he's fine... he's fed, hes, warm, he's clean, he's safe...

Brush your hair until it shines... remember your baby is safe and clean and fed... even put on a little bit of make up if you like...

Have a cup of tea.. he will cry but he's perfectly safe and fed and clean and warm...

Now give your baby a cuddle

It won't solve your problems but it will make you feel just that little more able to deal with them.

Now are you can start thinking about some of the excellent advise given by others

Being a single mum with a new born is really really tough especially with the sleep deprivation and not being able to get out easily on top of it. I was in that situation when DD was first born and there were days I literally sobbed with exhaustion whilst trying to feed her

PS don't worry about the mess its very common at this stage

for you

for baby

I had PND with DS1, and a c-section, and no confidence. I couldn't breastfeed either. It all knocked my confidence and I genuinely thought he despised me, that I was letting him down, and that he'd be better off with someone else.

It was all bollocks! We just hadn't bonded. He thought the world of me, loved me more than anyone. He still does, even though he's a grumpy teenager now.

If I had my time over, I'd just focus on bonding with him. Skin-to-skin all day long. Force myself.

It was all so much easier with DS2, because I had more confidence and experience.

He does love cuddling you. He does. Please read those cries; you're interpreting his behaviour as "I hate my mum" when it's 100% NOT that!

Your baby does not hate you. Babies are meant to cry. As long as he's fed and changed. Let him fall asleep on you when he's feeding and enjoy a cuddle. It will get easier

After dd1 was born I got referred to a group in my area for new mums.

It saved my sanity and the sanity of a lot of those in the group.

Every week for 10 weeks we met up and discussed what was going on.

There were quite a few tears over lack of sleep and not getting back anything from the little bundle that just screamed for food/nappy change/colic etc then fell asleep for a few minutes then the same screaming again.

Is there anything like that in your area that your Hv could refer you to.

I don’t know about being a student other than I thought you might be able to apply for a hardship fund.
Other than that I would look into HB and if you can claim something for your baby.
He isn’t a student so might be entitled to something.

There is an online calculator that you can go through which might show you if you are entitled to something

If you are not due back into uni till May then technically are you still a full time student at this moment in time.
Wouldn’t this period of time come under maternity leave

I don’t know much about benefits but I do know that describing yourself as a full time student when you aren’t one is preventing you from claiming benefits.

I haven't been able to read this in full but I would expect you to be able to get a foodbank referral. Please do not only access foodbank support make sure you access other support as well.

If there is a nearby baby bank it might be worth phoning them . They should know where they get referrals in from and where you can get family support .

Your health visitor should also be helping- I would be asking them for the foodbank referral if you can as a starting point .

And here's the Gingerbread contact details for Manchester area - they support single parents in all circumstances: They have a free advice helpline for ANYTHING incl benefits et al.
The Gingerbread Single Parent Helpline is open as follows:

Mondays: 10am to 6pm
Tuesdays/Thursdays/Fridays: 10am to 4pm
Wednesdays: 10am-1pm and 5pm-7pm.

Telephone
0808 802 0925
Email
[email protected]
Website
www.gingerbread.org.uk

Your local office is:
0161 636 7519

Where to Go
Name of venue
Room 2.2, Windrush Millennium Centre
Venue address
70
Alexandra Road
Moss Side
Manchester
Postcode
M16 7WD

Student Finance England are the pits.

Please ask Student Services for help. Explain your whole situation to them, eg that you can't afford a stamp and have no money for food, let alone for getting to uni / books etc. When SFE messed me around and I didn't have money for ages, I went to Student Services at my university and they managed to sort it out in an afternoon. The adviser I spoke to at my uni phoned SFE and gave them hell!

Student Services at your uni will be well used to dealing with SFE as they mess people around with money all the time. And it's their job to support you.

Tell your Dr Everything.

The constant crying and not settling when being held could be a sign that he's in pain,he could have silent reflux(silent I know fucking stupid name for it right because a baby with it is anything but fucking silent)he could have colic(I've suffered with that once as an adult and Oh my God the pain,I don't know how babies cope with it)the good news is there are medications for both and your Dr can give you a prescription so they'll be free.

Please talk to your Dr about how your feeling because there is help out there I promise you there is,I had PND with my first and second baby and talking to my Dr and getting put onto antidepressants saved my life!

With food,tell your Dr they can give you a voucher for a food bank(fuck being on the right benefits your a human being and you need to eat and although it might not feel like it right now you are the most important human in the world to your little boy)you can also get help with food from local Churches,the important bit You Do Not Have To Be Religious in any way shape or form to get help from a Church,they don't need to know you to help you,lots of churches have a vicarage attached to them if the one's nearest to you don't you can look online and get a phone number for them to speak to someone and ask for help with food.

I have been where you are right now and I'm not just saying that I really have and all I can say is that I'm glad I'm still here I really am and I'm glad I still have a relationship with my children.x