He’s 4 weeks old and I hate my life

[clairindespair]

Hi I’m gonna get so much shit for this but I absolutely hate my life after having my son. Birth wasn’t pleasant resulting in emergency c section and I am in a financial crisis after student loan hasn’t been paid leaving me with 70p as formula just siphons my money (unable to BF)

He screams for food and doesn’t do anything else. Just screams. Cluster feeds all through the early hours of the morning. I’m a single mum and have no one, I’ve had 4 hours sleep in 5 days and I am struggling to keep my eyes open. My house is a mess cos I have no energy or time to clean it. I am stuck on a third floor with no lift and feel so isolated as I can’t even find the energy to take his pram down the stairs in 3 bits then reassemble it. He doesn’t smile or coo or make any noise except a horrific cry and the occasional grunt. Just cries and looks blank most of the time. I’m starting to hate him. I want my old life back. I’m off uni till May and I want to go back now. I’m so fed up. I hate my life.

I’m a student and not entitled to benefits x

As a single parent you are entitled to HB if renting and child tax credits. You'll also be able to receive a student grant which is payable to those with dependents. Added to which your student loan should increase now you have a dependent.

You poor thing I’ve been in your shoes clairindispair It feels like it will never end. My son cried all the time, he didn’t sleep and my exdp was no help at all.
My GP saved my life literally.
Seeing her every week talking through the horrible dark feelings I was having really helped. Please tell your GP everything. There is help. You shouldn’t be doing this alone

You need to contact early help in children services or home start or you health visitor you defined support

I have some food in now anyway so will just save those links. No appetite if I’m honest. I have spent 4 days sitting in silence. I’m sick of this already I resent him so much then I feel evil

these first few weeks are really hard even with support and sufficient funds. the first 12 weeks are often called the "fourth trimester" because if we hadn't evolved such big brains, and so needed big skulls to keep them in, whilst also walking upright and so having a relatively narrow pelvis, then pregnancy would be more like 12 months rather than 9 and babies would be much less helpless and needy at birth.

you can make a claim for universal credit - www.workingfamilies.org.uk/articles/pregnancy-and-maternity-for-students/ specifically says that you can't claim unless you are responsible for a child ... so you can't claim till after your child is born

It's also worth checking for reducing food waste sites & local acts of kindness. I'm near Southampton and there are programmes for people who need a little extra support and who aren't on benefits.
This time with a baby is hard even if you were lucky enough to have real life support. You're not alone.

You poor love. Have you got friends who could come round and keep you company for a while? I wish you were closer, I'd gladly stop in, tidy up, let you have a rest! Keep posting on here, we've all got your back. And hang on in there, in a couple of weeks he'll start to be much more interactive and it does help. Also - ask the docs or HV about local mum and baby groups, they're a godsend. Also see if there's a local sling group you can join, they often loan slings and it will help you being able to get out.

If food is taken care of for now then the priority needs to be seeking support. Be open to the doctor about everything and push the point that you need some help.

You're not evil, but you need help. Make sure you're honest with your doctor about your struggles.

You haven't mentioned the father, I assume he isn't involved at all?

Has your baby been checked for tongue-tie?

Oh jeez you poor thing.

Firstly, the not getting anything back stage is so hard. The good news is that it passes soon. The first smiles are just around the corner.

Secondly, there must be people who can support you financially and emotionally. Talk to your HV and GP. If you’re finding your HV unhelpful, ask for another one. Stress the fact that you have no other support. Keep pointing out the bind you’re in financially.

What about Uni? Do they have support services? Hardship funds? Who’s your tutor? Talk to them.

You NEED support. Rattle cages to get it. Don’t take no for an answer.

And congratulations on the birth of your little one. Well done for managing this all on your own so far. You are amazing.

I had a friend who used to get baby milk to collect think through SS? Not sure. But there was a way of getting it.

Make an appointment with your GP, tell them how you are feeling and they should offer support or point you in the right direction.
The first few weeks with a newborn is excruciatingly difficult, especially being alone. The sleep deprivation clouds everything, making you unable to think straight or even function like normal.

At that age there is very little 'feedback' from baby apart from crying for their needs to be met. The interaction comes later.

Please seek help and as PP posters suggested ,ask for another HV. They are supposed to be your link and not dismiss any of your concerns and needs.

It seems inappropriate at this stage to say it gets better,but it really does. The first weeks are gruelling.

The link to the food bank above was what I was going to post, it might not be something you feel you want to do (ask for help) but you and your baby deserve help and support and I’m sorry you’re not getting it and feel so low.

Speak to your uni, there must be some financial help available, perhaps there might be other support available for student parents. Your GP or health visitor might be able to provide you with a food bank voucher, I'm sure they're not limited to only people on benefits, you have a tiny baby and in hardship, I hardly think a foodbank will turn you away.
Newborns are bloody hard work, don't take his lack of interaction personally, his primary needs are basically just to feed, poop and sleep, his brain is growing at a rapid rate and he needs all his energy just for that really. And yes, sometimes all they do is cry, and for no particular reason. I found it did help to take mine out in the pram for walks as they settled better with some fresh air and I felt better. Perhaps when you have some more money and baby is bigger, get yourself a second hand folding buggy, so much better than struggling with a multiple part pram.

Please also try to get into the habit of going out to get fresh air with your baby once a day at least. It sounds trite, but it made a huge difference to me

Dont panic. This crying stage passes. They're just so attached and scared at being out in the world.

You can definitely get milk from food bank. The sleep deprivation is awful. Get a sling so you dont need to use your pram just now.

I'm sure Manchester lidl were giving away free baby boxes. Phone your health visitor today also. Keep phoning and make some noise.

You're doing amazing and I know it sounds awful and you'll hate me for saying it but cuddle your baby. That's what they want. They're terrified at this new place. Get a white noise app on your phone. They're bloody great. Worked a treat forvmin3 wh cried for hours but was later turned out to have a dairy intolerance.

I hated the newborn stage too. Nothing prepares you for it, you’re recovering from major surgery and get no sleep. It’s awful. But it does get better.
Your body has been through a lot and you need to look after yourself. Try to eat and try to get out for a walk if you can. You won’t want to and you’ll probably hate every second of it but it helps so much. It’s a change of scenery and just helps the day pass.
I totally understand how you are feeling. Well done for sorting the GP appointment. See if there is any way you can get your hands on a sling. There may be a local sling library and you can borrow one.
Do you have any friends at all who could just pop round or take the baby out for an hour? I really isolated myself for the first few months and it’s no good for you. Even if you aren’t breastfeeding the breastfeeding groups would be happy to have you I’m sure if you just need some company.
it really will get better.

Getting out of the house everyday is so important for your mental health. Even if it’s just 5 minutes round the block.

greatertogethermanchester.org/find-support/food-banks/

Another link to save. 157 food bank providers in Manchester.

Have you tried keeping him upright? If he has reflux that will help a lot. Put a towel under the top half of his mattress to raise his head a little and help him sleep longer and better. A sling will also help keep him vertical during the day. Make sure you wind him religiously during and after every feed.

If I try cuddling him or holding him close to me he just headbutts or scratches me.

OP I work in a children's centre in Manchester and we offer support to people in your situation. If you can be a bit more specific about your location or PM me, I can point you to your nearest children's centre or other services who can help. In the meantime, try home start:

www.home-start.org.uk/home-start-manchester

I have an 8 week old. All she did for the first 5 weeks was eat and sleep. It's normal. Interaction and smiles started about week 6.
It has gotten easier week on week from about 5 weeks onwards.

Get a sling - babies settle amazingly in them and you can use your hands rather than carry them. The sling library in Manchester loans they out for free for the first 3 months - they visit lots of locations around Manchester. You can look them up on Facebook. This will also help you to get out with baby. So get out to some local baby groups as soon as you can. The Surestart ones are usually free in Manchester - I think just Baby Bliss isn't.

Your HV sounds shit. You are within your rights asking to see a different one. Then ask for a referral for baby massage. It might settle your baby.

And finally, well done for asking for help. I felt very similarly to you with my first and I didn't.

This is the hardest part! It will get easier.

Couldn't read this and run. I'm so sorry you're going through this early stage alone. It's the hardest part.

My son didn't smile until he was 6 weeks old. I was giving him a bath and I remember feeling so worn down by the total monotony of it. Then I heard a gurgle, looked up and he was smiling at me. It was bloody amazing and suddenly it all made sense.

Your son won't be interacting yet because newborns just don't. They can't see much, they can't move much. They're just little needy blobs. But it won't be long until you're getting SO much back. Please hang in there, you're almost there.

My son also had reflux and it made him cry a lot.

If your son is crying a LOT, it might be for a number of different reasons. I found a chart by the Baby Whisperer that decoded all the different cries. I remember there were specific ones for whether they were hungry, cold, feeling like a cuddle, etc. I'll try to find a copy and post it here.

If I lived near you I'd be there like a shot. Is there anyone you could ask round to help?

I do welfare advice. Full time students can get benefits (Universal Credit) if they’re responsible for a child. See here Working out exactly how much you’re entitled to is a bit complicated though so I would go see Student Advice at your uni. They should also help you with basic hardship funds and contacting a food bank if necessary. You will be entitled to some UC right the way through your course and the full amount in the holidays.
As for your Student Loan, why hasn’t it been paid? I presume that, as you’re suspended due to pregnancy and maternity leave, they’ve also suspended your loan? Student Finance is not allowed to leave you in hardship so if you’re really struggling (and you seem to be) I would contact them asking for your loan to be reinstated due to financial hardship. The uni should be able to help with this.
I hope this helps at least somewhat

Google ‘tiger in the tree’ hold. That worked for mine when they were inconsolable.

No idea why.