He’s 4 weeks old and I hate my life

[clairindespair]

Hi I’m gonna get so much shit for this but I absolutely hate my life after having my son. Birth wasn’t pleasant resulting in emergency c section and I am in a financial crisis after student loan hasn’t been paid leaving me with 70p as formula just siphons my money (unable to BF)

He screams for food and doesn’t do anything else. Just screams. Cluster feeds all through the early hours of the morning. I’m a single mum and have no one, I’ve had 4 hours sleep in 5 days and I am struggling to keep my eyes open. My house is a mess cos I have no energy or time to clean it. I am stuck on a third floor with no lift and feel so isolated as I can’t even find the energy to take his pram down the stairs in 3 bits then reassemble it. He doesn’t smile or coo or make any noise except a horrific cry and the occasional grunt. Just cries and looks blank most of the time. I’m starting to hate him. I want my old life back. I’m off uni till May and I want to go back now. I’m so fed up. I hate my life.

What is it that you are finding upsetting? Seeing him unwell? I found the whole thing hugely upsetting from the cannula in his hand to the limiting his milk and even when the wee thing fell asleep they would wake him to do obs.... it’s okay to be feeling low right now x

Just seeing him poorly and not at home with me in his chair all content. They’ve turned his oxygen off now and are just on the optiflow machine to pressure his airways as work of breathing still there

I’m late to this thread and I’ve not read the whole thread just your posts. You are doing amazing. Honestly you are. I’m 42 and I don’t think I could do as good a job as you xx

Please don’t be so hard on yourself, especially when you said you didn’t have a traumatic birth. You really did. A general anaesthetic is a really traumatic birth and no wonder you struggled bonding. Sounds like you e cracked it now through. (I work in operating theatres so I see a lot of sections, generals are rare but usually pretty scary things and you must have felt so overwhelmed).

Hope jack pulls through soon. It’s bronchiolis season and again I see it in my job (when they need a bit more help with breathing). He’s doing well as his sats are good. Typical boy missing his food.

Hope your housing and money situation is sorted out soon. If I lived anywhere near you I’d offer to meet up and offer support and friendship but alas I’m waaaay down south xxxx could use more friends myself (also at uni and apparently a ‘mature’ student lol)

Do you know how many people crack when they have a new baby? Do you know how many mothers don’t stay and care for babies who need to be in hosp? Look at you, it’s hard and it’s prob the hardest bit but ur doing it and u love ur baby so much. Is your mum with you? I found when dh couldn’t stay with us some nurses were so kind and chatted with me for a bit x

Ahh optiflow is good for him. It’s a slight step up from just oxygen but means he isn’t needing to put all the effort in to oxygenate himself. It’s also got water to loosen the secretions xx

you're amazing op x

Thank you so much everyone
I’m doing my best, I feel like a zombie I can’t eat I’m scared to sleep I just want him better

They keep saying he could get worse and it’s shitting me right up thinking he’s gonna end up on intensive care, blood gases etc are normal and have been since we were admitted last night

Oh darling. I wish you were local. I would come and take him so you could sleep and have a break. It must be so hard for you being on your own ❤️

Well done mamma, you're doing a great job! You must be exhausted!!!! Keeping you and your little one in my thoughts.

@clairindespair I have only just read a few bits and you are such a wonderful mum.

Your going it alone to and I can’t begin to imagine on how tough that is, the first 16 pages with your comments brought back how I was bar you have been brave enough to talk about it whilst in the middle of the emotions I couldn’t , and I was blessed with help.

If it helps to know I too thought my son hated me, I honestly at times thought he was an alien ... honest to god believed it, I was in a dark black hole I had no recollection of what it was to be happy, and I felt the most useless and worthless person on the planet and thought everyone would be far bette riff with me gone, then I would feel guilty for not having that love that everyone spoke about

I also was highly protective of my son at the same time , my husband had to be firm to be allowed to hold him ... everyone else I faked a calmness about them having him I didn’t feel, I wanted away and my life before yet I couldn’t stand to have him out of my sight .

From about 4 months I would have waves of being normal and though it made the guilt
Worse for a time ... I also was able to start to feel that love. And when the bond starts it amazing.

You are doing such an wonderful job and you are now also going through a stressful time with him being so poorly .

Keep doing what you are doing and by being there you are an amazing comfort , he is one lucky little boy, seek help if any of the above of my experience is ringing true ... Because you don’t need to do this all by yourself there is help.

hope to hear good news soon

Oh OP, you poor pet.
Very hard.
Very scary.
Please try and eat.
You need to stay well.
You are doing a great job.
He's in the best place for now.

Stay strong. You are doing a great job.

💐💐

OP, every word you write now tells me how much you absolutely LOVE your little boy. Some good has come of his illness. He will get better, and he has a concerned, caring and loving mother by his side. If this isn't bonding, I don't know what is!!

I was thinking the same, Bendy!

Hang on in there, OP. He'll be ok and so will you

He’s back on oxygen just so they aren’t rushing his recovery

He’s so tiny they will just be super cautious and he’s in the best place. Are you still able to hold him?

Just read your updates. He’s in the best place.

My DS recently had bronchiolitis and was on an inhaler for the couple of weeks it took to clear up. He is 2 though, so I can’t imagine how hard it must be for you seeing your DS so unwell at 4 weeks when he is so tiny.

The difference in your posts from the beginning of the thread is lovely to hear, and it seems that you sought help at the right time and that will help you get you through these next difficult days. You’re doing a great job OP.

I’m hoping we improve enough overnight for hometime tomorrow or Thursday

I’m sat here absolutely balling at this thread. You should be so bloody proud of yourself!. You’re a fabulous mum because it didn’t come easy to you and you’ve fought to get yourself better. It’s a lot more than many people would do. I hope little Jack is starting to feel better now and that he will be home soon:

Sorry to hear your little man is in hospital. Sending you hugs and hope he is out soon. You are doing a great job and one of the strongest people I know (in virtual life )

They’ve given my little sausage some antibiotics as his X-ray shown a tiny patch of infection - happier he’s on them now. They also said they can watch him if I need to go home for abit or anything as I’m finding hospital very traumatic

Just pop home and have a shower and a little rest. He's in good hands.

You are doing an amazing job. We're all here for you and he will be home in the next day or 2

I’m just worried that if I’m not here something will happen, surely if they thought it could they wouldn’t tell me to go home