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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Should I knock his door after 40 years?

258 replies

mrsdaz · 13/01/2020 23:35

Thanks to a popular dna website I’ve just found my father after 40 years. I have his address. AIBU to knock on his door? Or should I send a letter?

OP posts:
numberonecook · 19/02/2020 18:46

It’s not all bad news @mrsdaz my friends dad has grown up not knowing his father. When he was 53 he met someone in a pub who turned out to be his cousin. He gave him an address for his father and he went and knocked on the door. Turns out His father was too scared to contact him because he feared he wouldn’t want to know the man who walked out on his mother. He told his children about friends dad when they got older so his family knew he existed. He was pleased he got in touch and they now have a good relationship. Of course his father is now very old, he is staring to show signs of early dementia so they are glad they got to know each other when they did. You never ever know what’s going to happen but you don’t want to leave it too late because you will regret that for sure.

thesunhasgothishatontoday · 19/02/2020 18:55

Can someone please advise on the best DNA website to get a match. I found out a couple of years ago that my father is probs my not my father. I was given a name who I contacted through Facebook but he denied any kind of relationship with my mother although he did know her

Lou12124 · 19/02/2020 19:11

I wouldn't bother! I had the same situation...never met my dad (he knew about me) and when i was 20 I looked for him.
Met him and he turned out to be an absolute waste of space...blamed the rest of my family for him not seeing me...load of crap excuses so I decided I didnt want to see him again. I completely get the 'what if' feelings but If you are happy with your family and everything is mostly hassle free I wouldn't unsettle things

LatinMumof2 · 19/02/2020 19:15

For those criticising the "tread carefully advice", it depends what OP wants from the meeting, or may want in the future. And how she might feel if the shock leads to outright rejection.

My (half) SIL was adopted as a newborn. She was very careful not to rock the boat when she grew up and found MIL. MiL had never mentioned the baby to anyone, not her husband or further children. Both PIL have since died but I'm so grateful that SIL got in touch, gently and diplomatically by letter because my DC now have an auntie and cousins they adore. We are very close. Unearthing secrets carefully can have good outcomes... but if SIL had knocked on the door (which of course she totally could have done) it would have upset elderly PILs and we probably wouldn't have the family we have now.

Boshmama · 19/02/2020 19:38

I would knock - you are his daughter, you have a right to meet your father. His other family aren't your responsibility.

simonlebon · 19/02/2020 19:45

Mrsdaz, I'm in the same boat as you. It's more common than you'd think. Not sure if you know but there are NPE (non parental event/not parent expected) groups you can join that give lots of advice and support. The main group was founded by another NPE called Catherine St cláir. You have the right to know your heritage, be aware of gatekeepers who may prevent this happening and if you are sending a letter first, send it by registered letter as that way you'll know for sure its been delivered. Remember this is not your secret and not your fault and unless you have personally experienced this, then you have no idea just what a mind fluck this is to an individual.
Also advice given such as 'you can't barge into other families lives isn't actually helpful or correct. Mind yourself and do what's right for you x

Aridane · 19/02/2020 19:51

Bloody hell - this sounds like a script from the Jeremy Kyle show (as cameras swoop in on the dramatic door knocking and forced introductions, with Jezza crying ‘you were man enough to make, man up now to meet her’ and ‘if you didn’t want a daughter, you shoulda put something on the end of it’).

I guess a private message through the DNA website (or a letter) doesn’t quite cut it in terms of ramping up the drama

Ricoetbello · 19/02/2020 19:58

He might think you hate him and didnt want to upset you.
His family might know about you too and he could be living alone if hes that old.
If say try it.

simonlebon · 19/02/2020 20:02

Aridane, with all due respect are you for real? This is a real issue for the poster, for me and literally thousands of other people. Your response is harsh, idiotic and dreadful.. Try a little compassion.

TheTrollFairy · 19/02/2020 20:06

I think you need to decide what you want from meeting him?
Do you want a relationship with him and would you be prepared that he could either knock you back or it be on his terms.
If you want to know your siblings then I think it would be wise to find out the situation (if you can) about how you/your mum was discussed as they were growing up. If all they have is that your mum ruined the relationship between their parents then they might not have the greatest wish to see you.

I am not sure if knocking is the right thing to do in the first instance, I think sending a letter and leaving your contact details could be the best option first of all. This man, although your dad, is just a stranger at the moment and although you share DNA, there is a high chance this is all you have in common

Pardonwhat · 19/02/2020 20:07

Aridane

Actually, I find your tactless and goady attitude much more befitting of Jeremy Kyle. What a sad individual you are.

Darbs76 · 19/02/2020 20:16

I’d go and knock. You can always have a cover story that your friend is looking for her father and a man in a pub gave you this address. That way if he says something which makes you want away then you can leave quickly. I wish you all the best. For me I know I’d be fretting after leaving a letter wondering if it was intercepted etc. I’d just want to know he got it. Hope it works out for you

Toomuchtrouble4me · 19/02/2020 21:19

I would have to knock - he’ll either be overjoyed of he won’t.
Don’t fear being his dirty little secret - that’s his problem.
Knock, but don’t go alone and be prepared for rejection if it happens.

angelfacecuti75 · 19/02/2020 21:23

Yes knock but maybe send a letter first asking if u can.

EngiNerd · 19/02/2020 21:45

Can you find his phone number and just call him instead? It'll save you the trip and at least you'll know you've contacted him whereas if you get no response from a letter you'll be wondering if he ever got it.

CarolinaPink · 19/02/2020 21:50

If you'd like to then I think you should definitely make contact.

I'd try a letter first, but if I didn't get a reply I would knock on the door if I really did wish to make contact. He made choices that resulted in your birth, and IMO your desire to make contact now trumps any desire he may have not to be approached.

Very best of luck to you with this, OP Thanks

justmakemeacuppa · 19/02/2020 22:01

My other half hasn’t seen his dad since a teenager, fed different stories from his mum if him not being a father. He then died and he saw his mum in a different light and wondered if they’re was different reasons for not seeing him growing up. Unfortunately he will now never know.

Willyoujustbequiet · 19/02/2020 22:01

Do it. Life is too short. You owe him nothing. His wife is his problem. He's the liar.

justlliloleme · 19/02/2020 22:03

I haven’t seen my mum for over 45 years. She had an affair when I was 18 months old & my dad got custody of me. She had visiting rights but with a new baby it was too much for her & she stopped coming.
She lives local to where I was brought up & has asked several times via my dad & a friend if we could meet. My answer is always & will always be no. Not because I blame her for not keeping contact but because she’s nothing to me, I don’t know her. I feel no infinity towards her & I've no interest in meeting her.

So it’s odd for me that you’d want to meet this bloke after all this time. however you’ve just found who & where he is, I’ve mostly always known how I can get hold of my mum if I chose to.
Just be mindful that this man my not feeling anything towards you at all and may not be happy to see you. On the other hand he might be happy to meet the child he never had chance to be involved with. You need to be prepared for either reaction.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

StoneofDestiny · 19/02/2020 22:12

I'd observe from afar - see where he lives, what he looks like, what he does. I couldn't resist out of curiosity. However - if he wanted anything to do with you, his daughter, he'd have made a serious effort long ago to find you or make provision for you.

I'd work out first what YOU want to gain by meeting him and what risk you run. Can you handle a second rejection for instance. Do you want him even briefly in your life? Do you want a relationship with your step brothers and sisters? Have you considered he might think you want something from him?

WindyRose · 19/02/2020 23:57

mrsdaz I would love to have this opportunity and in your situation I would write a short letter on a card or pretty notepaper with a brief outline of who you are and what you would like to happen but don't wish to intervene in his family situation. I would also request a reply so you know where you stand and that you won't harass him further once his decision has been made.

Then I would knock on his door to introduce yourself while handing him the letter, leaving the next move to him...hopefully seeing you in person will convince him that you are real, because there's a chance he too, was told you died (just as you had been told he died). A false death is quite common in these cases as brings finality to a possible search.

Of course, you need to be prepared that he might not want further contact but unless you make the first move, you will never know. Back when you were born times were very different and gaining information was a whole lot more difficult than it is today. There was no DNA testing or genealogy sites to search and records were just not as available as they are now, so he might have tried to find you but found lots of brick walls in the process.

Please be kind to yourself and don't judge him just yet, you both might have many loving years ahead. You have such a great opportunity that many people haven't had, for many reasons. ;-)

Aridane · 20/02/2020 02:42

I was not referring to The OP but the callous posters Jeering / cheering on for a doorstep drama. I stand by my comment

Aridane · 20/02/2020 02:43

Still, this is AIBU and not Relationships or Chat so I suppose the forum equivalent of JeremybKyle!

peanutbutterbanana1 · 20/02/2020 07:58

Go for it. Life’s too short to live with regrets

Mittens030869 · 20/02/2020 08:29

This is a difficult one for me. My DDs are adopted and they already have a loving father in their lives, my DH. And also, as generally happens now, we do know who their birth parents are and can answer some of the questions our DDs might have. We also have 2 'later life letters' to read to them when they're ready to read to them, the first one for late primary and the second one for when they're teenagers. We read DD1 (now 10) hers a couple of years ago, and DD2 (7) is starting to wonder now, so we're considering whether this is the right time to read her first letter.

They may want to meet their birth parents when they're grown up; if they do we'll support them. We're in touch with their other birth siblings' adoptive parents and gave arranged meet ups in the past. So hopefully when they're old enough to use Social Media they'll be able to connect with each other, under our supervision.

My youngest DNephew is also adopted, with a loving father (my DBIL),but his birth father is unknown, as his birth mother refused to name him or even tell him she was pregnant. There's probably a very good reason why, as she also refused to involve her family at all, and his birth siblings don't even know he exists. So very likely he will do DNA research on websites like the OP did.

Sadly, he may well find that his birth mum had very good reason not to name him at all. My F sexually abused my DSis and me and some of our friends. The person whose DNA you have isn't necessarily someone you would want in your life. There are obviously some mums who are vindictive, but most women who don't reveal who the birth fathers are, or don't want them in their DCs' lives, have very good reasons for this.

And, also sadly, the majority of men who disappear from children's lives mostly don't have an interest in coming back into their lives to be a good dad and grandad. They might play lip service and talk about making amends, of course, and they might even think they mean it, but it's advisable not to expect too much.