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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I knock his door after 40 years?

258 replies

mrsdaz · 13/01/2020 23:35

Thanks to a popular dna website I’ve just found my father after 40 years. I have his address. AIBU to knock on his door? Or should I send a letter?

OP posts:

KatherineJaneway · 18/02/2020 13:36

Why should she give a shit about ruining his life? He had an affair. He knew about her existence and he's the one who failed to step up for 40 years! If this does ruin him then that's the least he deserves.

But it is very likely it isn't just him. What about the possible devstation to those around him like wife, children etc.

lottiegarbanzo · 18/02/2020 13:43

Write a letter!

I'd be so pissed off if someone 'significant' knocked on my door - as I was getting ready to go out / having a nap / on the phone / meeting a deadline / had a visitor etc. It could just go sooo wrong, for the simple reason that you'd picked the wrong moment.

Forrandomposts · 18/02/2020 13:48

You could ruin his life, and the lives of everyone around him!

So? He chose to abandon the OP, why take his feelings into account?

Allyo19 · 18/02/2020 13:57

I don't know how these DNA sites work, but would he have also been advised of the match?

bringincrazyback · 18/02/2020 13:57

I'd be so pissed off if someone 'significant' knocked on my door

I'd be pissed off if anyone knocked on my door. only partially joking

Jellybeansincognito · 18/02/2020 13:59

No Op you can’t knock.

You have no idea about his state of health or the implications your existence can have on his current life.

I recently contacted someone in a similar scenario and got professional advice.

The first thing you need to do (if you really want to) is write a letter- but it needs to be very vague so that if other people are reading his post for him it won’t cause upset.

Please think about the other person more than yourself.
This is huge.

Jellybeansincognito · 18/02/2020 14:01

Vague as in.

‘hello.
I am looking for a mr (his name)
My name is (your name) and I am (your mums name) daughter.
I was born in (month and year) and wondered if you are the correct person to speak to?’

Thank you.

Jellybeansincognito · 18/02/2020 14:02

Then obviously give a contact number or return address.

Please don’t jump into this blind. You can really break someone’s life apart.

LadyJaffleton · 18/02/2020 14:05

I was contacted a year ago by a previously unknown half sister. While I am very happy to know her, her announcement has put a bomb in to our family relationships. I am appalled by some posters suggesting you have no consideration for family members - they are completely innocent parties. Please consider a letter first.

GiadaReadingsOnEtsy · 18/02/2020 14:06

I would send a letter first and give him a few weeks to respond (include your email address and phone number too). Good luck with everything!

redastherose · 18/02/2020 14:09

If you don't try and make contact you may always live with the 'what if' feeling.

Provided that you are positive that you have the right address if you send a signed for delivery letter to him and you get a positive response then that's great. If you send a letter to him and you hear nothing back then you know he wasn't worth thinking about.

However, given that he tried to get the courage to meet you when you were 18 and your Mum is as much at fault for refusing to give you contact details earlier personally I would think that it is worth making contact.

He may be an arse but at least you would know and wouldn't have any regrets about not trying when he dies.

Drum2018 · 18/02/2020 14:14

I don't know how these DNA sites work, but would he have also been advised of the match?

Depends on the relatives you match to. If they can be discreet they may keep the info to themselves. In dhs case he matched to an aunt and in her excitement she contacted the whole family Unfortunately his father still hasn't made contact but hey, that's his loss. He did know about Dh prior to the DNA test but hadn't told his family.

@mrsdaz given your father made an albeit feeble attempt to contact you, I'd say you should make contact now. Whether that be by letter or in person I cannot advise, but I'd be inclined to call to the house. A letter can be ignored, but face to face can not.

Aridane · 18/02/2020 14:14

Contact him through the private messaging section of the DNA website - it's more secure than email or post

Frouby · 18/02/2020 14:22

I'm in a similar situation OP. Never had any contact with my father. Knew his name and a few things about him, enough to find who I am 99% certain is him on fb. His about info is set to provide details that would make it seem obvious that it is him who knew him back then, iyswim.

I decided not to. Mainly because he has known where a family member lives fir many years. And because I was in touch with his family until I was about 10, and he never made contact then, even though I was close to my nan.

And also I don't know what I would say. And what I would want from him. If anything. My dcs dont need another grandparent with dubious morals in their lives and I don't think it's worth potentially upsetting my mum for the sake of satisfying my curiosity. But I do understand the pull.

Bluetrews25 · 18/02/2020 14:30

After your update, it sounds like he wanted to be in contact with you. Seems that your DM was unhelpful.
I'd be tempted to make contact now.
If he'd never made any effort to see you then it would have been better to live in hope than rejection. But he did make efforts, so you are unlikely to be rejected.
If you do make a connection, I hope it is a happy one.

MummySharn · 18/02/2020 14:35

I’d definitely send a letter to him

Drum2018 · 18/02/2020 14:40

Contact him through the private messaging section of the DNA website - it's more secure than email or post

Op didn't match directly to him on the site. She matched to a mutual relative.

Actually @mrsdaz is that mutual relative in contact with your father? Could they contact him first and tell him?

leli · 18/02/2020 14:49

I wouldn't knock on the door, to protect you not him, just in case it's too much to manage on the spur of the moment. Yes, write a letter, or have a third party make discreet contact to make a meeting happen. Given that he tried to contact you in the past I think it's quite likely he will want to know something of you now.

I think you must keep your needs centre stage, not those of your biological father and mother or others in their lives. You don't have to be aggressive or difficult but I believe you have every right to make contact with your biological parent.

I discovered a long term partner had another relationship and a pregnancy ensued. All my sympathies were with that woman who had been deceived by my then partner. And I certainly knew that none of it was the baby's fault

user1497997754 · 18/02/2020 14:49

Ref knock on the door life is far to short.....if you don't you will always wonder what if.....you have everything to gain and nothing to lose x

Ivyr0se · 18/02/2020 15:06

I'd knock.
He owes you that if nothing else.
He may not welcome you but nothing ventured nothing gained.

StinkyWizleteets · 18/02/2020 15:11

I’m always surprised by people who worry about ruining the life of a man who had an affair while the child product of that affair has to conduct themselves in some antiquated sense of propriety over a situation they had no part in creating.

OP you do whatever your heart and head are telling you to do. I’d knock but that’s because I’m impatient and reactionary. If you can be patient enough to wait for a letter than may never get a response then you’re far stronger willed than I.

My adopted aunt knocked on the door of her birth parents while on holiday near their home and she was welcomed into the family and formed a brief but beautiful relationship with her elderly parents. I know it might not be that way for you but maybe it will- just be prepared for either response.

MixerTaps · 18/02/2020 15:14

Personally I'd send him a letter, and not a nice one

MixerTaps · 18/02/2020 15:17

her announcement has put a bomb in to our family relationships.

That's 100% not her problem.

seven201 · 18/02/2020 15:28

@mrsdaz I think you should send a letter. It sounds like if he dies soon you'll always be thinking you should have made contact.

Derbee · 18/02/2020 15:33

The fact that he came into your work to try and see you, changes a lot. I would knock on his door. Prepare yourself for rejection in case it happens, but don’t risk regretting never talking to him

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