To think she should follow the rules?

[suchameanie]

I’m preparing to get flamed here I really am!
Anyway, friend has 2 girls. Ever since they were tiny she has let them choose their own outfits, put together any combo they like, wear clothes far too big or small, shoes 4 times too big or so small their toes are scrunched up and even her clothes or DHs clothes.
Fair enough, she believes kids should express themselves. I’m very anal about what my kids wear and I think it gives off a good impression if they are clean, tiny, in properly fitting shoes and clothes, but that’s entirely my choice!
An average day would be her 8 year old daughter wearing red leggings, pink skirt, odd socks pulled up over the leggings, perhaps her mums jumper or cardie and her feet squeezed into her 5 year old sisters shoes. Not a look I’d allow, but not my circus, not my monkeys!
Anyway, my main bug bear at the moment is the kids doing uniformed activities.
Tonight at ballet her daughter had on Cinderella leggings, underneath a swimming costume. When she goes to school she’ll wear some uniform, but often flouts the rules and will wear say a red sparkly t-shirt under her pinafore, or rainbow tights.
They’ve taken a photo of the ballet class tonight to put on social media, and all the students look impeccable in matching uniform, except for friends daughter in her Cinderella leggings and swimming costume.
I don’t know why it annoys me so much, but it does!
My kids ask if they can wear rainbow tights to school etc as their friend does and I refuse. It just makes my mornings harder as they want to match their friend.
My friend thinks it looks quirky and that her DD will probably be a fashion designer, but truthfully she just looks scruffy when everyone else is wearing the same thing.
What are your thoughts?

You sound fucking anal. Maybe your 'friend' (yoi clearly don't like her!) takes it a bit far but I know who I'd rather have as a parent. Enjoy your conformist children

Slightly off topic, but I hate the phrase "well turned out", reminds me of being stuffed into itchy tights and uncomfortable dresses then told not to run around or play in case they got dirty or torn.

OP, YABU. The shoes are a bit much, but kids are only that young and that confident for a short time. There's plenty of time to conform when they're older. Leave them to it.

I don’t care what my girls wears as long as it fits, clean and weather/activity appropriate. That’s our rule.

I feel like I’m winning when my almost 3 year old is actually just wearing clothing after the mostly naked 2’s.
They dress themselves (almost 3 and 6) and if they want to wear leggings, a T.shirt with a dress on top (with a ever present sunhat in from spring till autumn) all in various colours why can’t they?

My oldest wears her correct school uniform and footwear (including sunhat or no outside play at school) but after school it’s her pick (as long as the above rule is followed)

would you like help removing the stick out of your arse?

your way to controlling and very anal,its her kids and her parental choices

mind your fing business

On no, you and I are kindred spirits on this point OP. Im the same. Our school has a very nice and easy to wear uniform. The uniform shop is opposite the school and there's a very well stocked second hand shop open all hours. Certain parents just decide they will substitute parts of it to make their little darlings stick out. Gets on my wick!

I truly believe that uniforms help kids understand more important rules later in life. There are plenty of times when conformity can be a rewarding practice (not as it seems to be nowadays as restrictive and altogether wrong). Conformity has its place, rules too.

Letting a kid flout rules isn’t ‘creative’ or ‘fun’ or ‘sticking it to boring’. It’s depriving them of one more tool for life.

Even fashion designers need to be able to knuckle down to boring conformist tasks sometimes. Actually I imagine it’s 80% of their day most days!

YANBU. Your mate isn’t doing her kids any favours.

The only thing I would raise an eyebrow is ill fitting shoes, but I suspect you are exaggerating with that one as my 8yos feet don’t even fit into my 5yos shoes.

I also think that it is important for DCs to have control over the aspects of their lives where they are capable of deciding. Telling a girl what to wear, in such a controlling manner, can set the foundations for other people controlling her for her entire life. Her choice of clothes is a reflection on her not on you.

Secondary school is going to be a challenge. Children who are used to being allowed to stick two fingers up to school uniform don't suddenly conform just because they are a bit older and have to. The mum is setting them up for conflict in a couple of years' time if she continues to let them flout the dresss code at school. She sounds selfish to me.

You can’t be such good mates if you’re judging her like this? Just leave her to do what she thinks is right and you do what you want. YABU.

My only issue is the ill-fitting shoes.

If the ballet school and school dont care or say anything then no issue again. I let dd wear leggings to school even though in the rule book its no leggings as pants. She had pink and purple hair even though school rules say no on paper.
Both things they said nothing
Some rules are stupid and not worth following

Mismatched clothes day to day? who cares.
Granted im the mum with bright purple hair

Yes!! Squash those girls spirits and get them to conform!!!

All girls must comply and get in line!

🙄🙄🙄

I’ll think you’ll find most girls end up ‘towing the line when they see everyother girl doing the same and end up looking like a bunch of clones by year nine.

Mind your own business

I truly believe that uniforms help kids understand more important rules later in life. There are plenty of times when conformity can be a rewarding practice (not as it seems to be nowadays as restrictive and altogether wrong). Conformity has its place, rules too.

What is it that can only be achieved by uniform rather than by teaching children to follow sensible rules about things like consideration for others, being quiet in class, doing your homework on time, not being late etc etc?

Be the same as everyone else.
Football for the boys, dancing for the girls. Follow the rules, wear uniform and form an orderly line. It’s the only way to make a good impression and show the world how decent you are.

Anything else is just attention seeking.

'I wouldn't let mine wear shoes that don't fit. And for an activity/school that has a set uniform I would enforce it. Beyond that, mine wear what they want. Why wouldn't it be like that?'

This. And I agree entirely about the hideous phrase 'well turned out'. It says it all about the notion of the child's appearance reflecting directly on the parent, or rather the mother.

As an aside, I've gone right off school uniform since I've been bringing children up in a country where very few schools (if any - the only ones I know are British/international ones) have it, and more so since hearing about the ridiculous amount of time and energy British schools seem to be putting into policing tiniest details of uniforms these days. For some unfathomable reason, my children's schools aren't hotbeds of anarchy, and their pupils manage to leave school, get jobs and dress appropriately for said jobs. Where I live would find hordes of children going off to school in uniform deeply unsettling for very sound historical reasons, and I can't help feeling that its place in British culture seems to be some kind of statement about the value of conforming for conforming's sake that I don#t find particularly healthy.

I mean 'the only ones I know that have uniform are British/international ones' re the schools.

“I can't help feeling that its place in British culture seems to be some kind of statement about the value of conforming for conforming's sake that I don’t find particularly healthy.”

Couldn’t agree more...and as we can see here, it’s ingrained to the point where some people get cross at those who don’t conform and they can’t explain why or what harm it does, ie, none at all.

Must. Conform.

As for ‘well turned out’ - on yer bike!

I was that child that stood out from everyone else, wearing home made/knitted/jumble sale/hand me down clothes when everyone else's were new/shop bought. As a result I am as conventional as you can get as I hated being "different"

I wouldn't let mine wear shoes that don't fit. And for an activity/school that has a set uniform I would enforce it. Beyond that, mine wear what they want. Why wouldn't it be like that?

I agree. If the child goes to a secondary school with strict uniform rules she will find it difficult to conform if her mother is sticking two fingers up at the rules as well. DD's school used to put students in isolation for consistently breaking uniform rules.

I’m on the fence - YANBu about uniformed activities or ill fitting shoes. YABU about clothes choices when there are no uniform requirements.

theywill probably both end up in the army or police where they adhere to uniform policy!

aside from the shoes it is ok

it doesnt affect you op?

what does the mum wear out of interest?

I think yo need to let it go. As you said, none of your business. The existence of rules can be helpful, like the one about not killing, etc., but the presence of too many rules can often make uptight, too concrete, "there's a right way and a wrong way"! This rule is the school's issue, not yours, you can release.

I think you need to spend some time analysing why is upsets you so much. And to be honest I do feel a little judgey about matchy matchy families.
For example my DC could wear short sleeves in winter - they'd just be told to put a jumper on if they complained of cold. And I knew a lot of little boys who lived in shorts even in snow.

As for your "friend" I am surprised that neither school or ballet have clamped down. I also wouldn't be surprised if at least one/some of them suddenly switch to being ultra conforming at one point, social conformity is a strong force.

The shoes do make me wince a bit - other than play shoes I am quite concerned about shoes fitting as you only get one set of feet.

Was your mother a "free spirit" or did she enforce strict rules?

A friend of mine is really uptight about his kids wearing dress up costumes to the supermarket (think princess dresses and superhero outfits). I didn’t have any children then but, now I have a son, I would give zero fucks about this as it doesn’t really do anyone any harm, does it?

HOWEVER, if he was attending an activity with a uniform, I would definitely ensure he followed the rules there. I agree with a PP that there’s no point in having a uniform unless everyone conforms. “Uni-form”: the clue’s in the name, no?