To think she should follow the rules?

[suchameanie]

I’m preparing to get flamed here I really am!
Anyway, friend has 2 girls. Ever since they were tiny she has let them choose their own outfits, put together any combo they like, wear clothes far too big or small, shoes 4 times too big or so small their toes are scrunched up and even her clothes or DHs clothes.
Fair enough, she believes kids should express themselves. I’m very anal about what my kids wear and I think it gives off a good impression if they are clean, tiny, in properly fitting shoes and clothes, but that’s entirely my choice!
An average day would be her 8 year old daughter wearing red leggings, pink skirt, odd socks pulled up over the leggings, perhaps her mums jumper or cardie and her feet squeezed into her 5 year old sisters shoes. Not a look I’d allow, but not my circus, not my monkeys!
Anyway, my main bug bear at the moment is the kids doing uniformed activities.
Tonight at ballet her daughter had on Cinderella leggings, underneath a swimming costume. When she goes to school she’ll wear some uniform, but often flouts the rules and will wear say a red sparkly t-shirt under her pinafore, or rainbow tights.
They’ve taken a photo of the ballet class tonight to put on social media, and all the students look impeccable in matching uniform, except for friends daughter in her Cinderella leggings and swimming costume.
I don’t know why it annoys me so much, but it does!
My kids ask if they can wear rainbow tights to school etc as their friend does and I refuse. It just makes my mornings harder as they want to match their friend.
My friend thinks it looks quirky and that her DD will probably be a fashion designer, but truthfully she just looks scruffy when everyone else is wearing the same thing.
What are your thoughts?

I wish I could control what my kids wear day to day, but as the product of a childhood where my appearance was strictly policed I refuse to do it to them! I feel envious of kids who look like they have stepped from a catalogue, and wish mine wanted to dress that way, but they have evolved their own styles and that is more important than how I think they should look. I do insist on them being washed and brushed, and in properly fitting shoes. And that they wear uniforms when uniforms are needed. They do need to know that there are expectations of how you look in certain situations, and that sometimes you need to conform to that for a particular reason (attending school/on a team/doing a particular job). I think not teaching that does them a disservice.

With you OP

My auntie used to let my younger cousins dress themselves and choose whatever because she couldn't be arsed.

They regularly looked uncared for.

Similarly I know someone who I think firmly believes her children look "hip and alternate" in the clothing she chooses

Like my young cousins they just look unkempt and shabby and frankly, at times, past and present, she has made them easy targets for bullies.

ITs not about the kids, its about her bolstering her own cool credibility. Its just a bit sad.....

Yep, this is the person I know in a nutshell.

If she wears ridiculous tights in school photos it will look really unsightly Not a photo many will buy to have on their mantlepiece I’m sure
Your the type that gets airbrushing on their kids school pics I bet. Can't show the cut on forehead or stray hairs......
I mean unsightly? They kids, not robots
I'd rather my kid have photos they look back on from school going yep we had fun, were crazy, wtf moments. Not how rigid and fake they look

Funnily enough, I wouldn't care what other parents thought if the pic was worthy of their mantle. It would be worthy of mine simply cos my kid is in it.

Sometimes the non uniform days were when I had to learn to hold back and let DD do her own thing. However much I would have preferred otherwise. As long as shoes fitted I ' let it go'. Then ofcourse, as teenagers you don't have a chance in hell and they will come up with weird and wonderful outfits. To be honest, your energy is best spent elsewhere.

Oh good grief!

One of my favourite pics of dd is the school photo where she had started off the day neatly, cleanly & tidily in uniform with hair in plaits but by the time the photo got taken (all of 20 mins after drop off) she'd taken one plait out but insisted on keeping the other in, she's naturally curly so the unplaited side was all frizz, she'd lost her cardigan, put a sticker on her shirt, the tie was at half mast and she had a red mark on her cheek from rubbing it because the frizzy hair was itching it!

But it PERFECTLY captures her at that age!

She's now nearly 19 and is not only perfectly groomed in office wear every day for work but the hair is straightened to an inch of its life and usually in a french plait or bun (Easiest for work) and the make up is perfectly "contoured".

I look back on her days when she often looked like she'd been through both a hedge and a charity shop backwards...in a gale! With huge nostalgia now.

They will have much of their lives where they need to conform they don't have to do it when young kids!

,Grobagsforever
. I work in early talent/future of work space, employers of 2035 aren't looking for dull little drones in matchy matchy outfits.

They were saying this shit when I left school, too. 20 yrs ago. Guess which of my peers are in the most successful careers,/earning most? Yep, the boring uniform conformers.

The "free spirits" continue to push boundaries. One is a perpetually out of work actress. One has her own "business" in the art space. Both work in retail as well, presumably to pay the bills. One has been successful working in stage costumes, but while she has done a few small London shoes, it doesn't pay much and she lives hand to mouth & is living in a room in a shared house age 34 .

I'd rather my kid was an accountant.

Sqeekums

You can take any number of pics of your little darls dressed in whatever. The parents who like (and pay for!) The smart uniform only get the nice smart class or year group photo giving the full effect, I'd be fuming if the school let a few kids stand out in it by wearing non uniform.

Fuming? Would you? Over the non-uniform in the school photo?

God I couldn’t give a shit about it. They’re kids, not a box of eggs. What a silly thing to fume about. Why do you need them all to look the same?

Because it draws attention to those children who've flaunted the rules. Our brains look at the photo and spot them first. Reinforcing their own view that they are special. They are not. And before you say "why can't all the kids wear non uniform" plenty of kids love uniform, they love to match their peers!

Because someone might notice another child before yours?
Oh that’s brilliant.
Who is the attention seeker now?

@pictish Spot on.

Some of you are WAY too invested in children who like to mismatch ugly prints and textures. Maybe if your life weren't so rigid you'd not be bothered by something so silly.

@Graphista - love it! I have a similar photo of my eldest

Graphista
One of my school photos was taken a day or two after I'd been playing hairdressers... With real scissors 😂 One of my mum's friend tried to make it better but it still has that hacked with scissors look in places. I love that photo.

There's a middle ground between parents who pride themselves on showing how unique and quirky they are through children and the parents who obsessively coordinate evey to look immaculate and are hoping everyone is in awe of the coordinated lunch box and scrunchie. Both ends of the spectrum are parents interested in getting attention.

maybe that is what the deceased would have wanted?

I doubt that SheSawHorses. Even his own children (similar age to the fairy/pirate siblings) were in black.

You can take any number of pics of your little darls dressed in whatever. The parents who like (and pay for!) The smart uniform only get the nice smart class or year group photo giving the full effect, I'd be fuming if the school let a few kids stand out in it by wearing non uniform.

Guess what? I pay for them pics too. Cos you know my dd goes to school and we deserve the memories. Difference is, I want the memories as they are at school, not a fake polished robot which dd is not.
Fume all ya want, won't make the kids or parents like me change. Smart schools realise it's not worth the battle as there are more important things

It seems like we're all talking at cross proposes. Of course there's nothing wrong with children in odd mismatched clothes or dressing up clothes or whatever.

Sending your child to school in rainbow tights instead of the regulation uniform is fucking silly and will annoy all the other parents. At primary school the staff won't make a huge fuss but they'll be rolling their eyes. Ditto ignoring the ballet kit despite letters reminding parents of the uniform.

Our brains look at the photo and spot them first.Reinforcing their own view that they are special

See, I would look for my kid first, even dd would look for herself first. Uniform followed like a soldier or not.

But how can it reinforce what others think unless you go round and tell them? Go and gossip about them? My dd would have no idea what parents, if any didnt like her purple/pink hair and neither would I
Plus the fact you pick things like the proper uniform of all over just looking for your kid is kinda sad

Well, you did say you're anal.

Surely there is a balance to be had here. I’m all for kids being expressive but she’s not doing her daughter any favours by allowing her to flout the rules of school and ballet. They’ll need to be some confirming at certain events in the future but she’s basically taught her child that rules are there for other people.
I get why you are frustrated but I’d find a coping mechanism to manage my own annoyance at it and let the mum discover the world of pain she’s set herself up for later on. School and ballet will no doubt say something soon.

I think that kids need to learn that there are certain situations where you have to conform. It's just the way life is.

Fume all ya want, won't make the kids or parents like me change.

Ur rulez, ur kidz hun.

queenbee72
We see the outcome of 'rules are for other people' at secondary.
Funnily enough almost nobody thinks an argumentative 14 year old who thinks they're exempt from anything they don't like/see the point in is quirky or cute or a original and free.

Meanwhile there's loads of polite, friendly students who manage to challenge things they disagree with, think for themselves and express themselves without whining that they were told to remove false nails that their mum paid for in term time knowing they're not allowed. According to the "my kids my rules / they don't have to confirm" types all these students are robots who lack critical thinking, but in my experience the ones who focus on how they don't do conformity and uniform seem to be the least critical thinkers I've known

@LolaSmiles - and the adults 🙄