To think she should follow the rules?

[suchameanie]

I’m preparing to get flamed here I really am!
Anyway, friend has 2 girls. Ever since they were tiny she has let them choose their own outfits, put together any combo they like, wear clothes far too big or small, shoes 4 times too big or so small their toes are scrunched up and even her clothes or DHs clothes.
Fair enough, she believes kids should express themselves. I’m very anal about what my kids wear and I think it gives off a good impression if they are clean, tiny, in properly fitting shoes and clothes, but that’s entirely my choice!
An average day would be her 8 year old daughter wearing red leggings, pink skirt, odd socks pulled up over the leggings, perhaps her mums jumper or cardie and her feet squeezed into her 5 year old sisters shoes. Not a look I’d allow, but not my circus, not my monkeys!
Anyway, my main bug bear at the moment is the kids doing uniformed activities.
Tonight at ballet her daughter had on Cinderella leggings, underneath a swimming costume. When she goes to school she’ll wear some uniform, but often flouts the rules and will wear say a red sparkly t-shirt under her pinafore, or rainbow tights.
They’ve taken a photo of the ballet class tonight to put on social media, and all the students look impeccable in matching uniform, except for friends daughter in her Cinderella leggings and swimming costume.
I don’t know why it annoys me so much, but it does!
My kids ask if they can wear rainbow tights to school etc as their friend does and I refuse. It just makes my mornings harder as they want to match their friend.
My friend thinks it looks quirky and that her DD will probably be a fashion designer, but truthfully she just looks scruffy when everyone else is wearing the same thing.
What are your thoughts?

Yeah....I think you need to get a hobby or something

Haven’t read full thread and suspect some are flaming you. But I am totally with you. Sometimes I let my kids choose what they wear, but in life we sometimes need to learn to obey the rules or conform. Uniform is an example. I think your friend is just trying to make some weird point. Her children will not be harmed by once in a while having to be told what to wear. I just find her kind of behaviour a bit tiresome.

I've nothing against self expression but always IN YOUR OWN TIME.

Rules exist for a reason and conformity is a requirement of life. Her daughter may well be a fashion designer but then again she may not and may have to work to someone else's requirements so her kids need to understand that they can't always do or wear as they please.

I'm also a little OCD so I can see why it annoys you re: photos. Can you not explain how you feel and ask the ballet teacher to put the girl on the end, at least then you can just crop her out.

There's no point reasoning with her, some people just don't get it. They either love being differenct and the attention it attracts or they just don't see the value in a matching outfit, it's just clothes to them.

I know mums like this, lovely women but their whole family looks like they got dressed in the dark back in the 90's and see nothing wrong with it.

Judgemental I am. Sorry I am not.

This sounds like my son many years ago wearing his younger sisters tights, Barbie wellies and her tutu.

I think you’re over invested in something that really isn’t your business. If the children are happy and well looked after and the school and ballet class aren’t bothered why not mind your own business.
Perhaps she’s writing a post about you being anal about how your kids have to dress?

Perhaps your children wanting to wear non uniform tights is due to you controlling their outfits at other times not due to the friend. I know someone who won’t let their 10 and 8 year choose their clothes (no school uniform school), she is just as controlling with every other aspect of their lives. I feel for the kids as they are quite isolated due to mother not allowing them to do so much that others do as norm.

Agree with you.
It’s disrespectful to not follow rules that are there for a reason. If she doesn’t like the uniform policy at school, she should have chosen a non uniform school.
She’s not special and neither are her kids- the rules should apply to everyone. I’m sure it grates on her teachers nerves.
The photo would really annoy me- it ruins the aesthetics. I’ve been slated for saying this before but I stand by it. It looks unprofessional of the dance school. But they need to enforce the rules.
If she wears ridiculous tights in school photos it will look really unsightly. Not a photo many will buy to have on their mantlepiece I’m sure.

The mother sounds really annoying!

I also thinks it’s a life lesson. Many people have to follow uniform rules or guidelines at least, in their jobs. So I don’t think it’s helping her kids.

Why is it disrespectful if the school and ballet school don't mind, @OhMyDarling?

Why do children need to wear uniform at school in order to be able to do jobs requiring uniforms? People in other countries which have no school uniform tradition - which is most other European countries - seem to cope perfectly well if they go into jobs with uniforms.

I’m all for children being individual and I think it’s great that her kids don’t care what anyone else thinks. But, I get the feeling their mum is doing it not just for this but possibly for attention? May be way off there but the way you describe it? It may just be that she feels pressured into giving an explanation as to why she doesn’t give 2 bleeps about conforming to society.

I personally dress my kids in uniform for school and adhere to that because it’s in place for a reason. My 7 year old middle DS has some interesting choices so far when dressing himself, but I wouldn’t make him change unless he wasn’t dressed appropriately for the weather. Sometimes it’s good for them to make choices but still know that adults can make choices and decisions for them too.

Is your friend middle class?
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3461613-To-wonder-if-middle-class-children-appear-more-scruffy?pg=1&messages=25

I also thinks it’s a life lesson. Many people have to follow uniform rules or guidelines at least, in their jobs. So I don’t think it’s helping her kids
Careful, people will say you're encouraging blind obedience here and worshipping authority.

Most places will have a range of rules and expectations, some you will agree with, others not, others will generate feeling of indifference. Ultimately there's ways to challenge issues if you disagree and other times you just get on with it.

MN seems to have a greater number of people who think that the existence of school uniform will stifle young minds, not being able to opt out of rules will ruin their fragile sense of self etc. That staff should accept all sorts of disruption to engage an argumentative student who what's to hinder everyone else's learning because their parents told them they don't have to follow simple instructions unless the teacher gives them a satisfactory explanation.

We see the adult version on work threads where some people argue that you're not late for work if you're 5 mins late / you're not late to collect your child from school if it's 5-10 mins late / if the workplace has a dress code and you don't like it then you should send loads of emails to your manager that can be summed up as "but whhhyyyyy? (Stamps feet) I am unique and want to express my individuality at all times. Please notice I'm so special and shouldn't have to follow the dress code".

The argument always seems to boil down to "I am special and if I don't like something I don't have to do it".

@Palavah

For the majority of times I would agree to let the children have these choices.I though knew of a family who allowed complete choice.So...whilst all the children dressed as world war 2 refugees her daughter came dressed as a fairy 😂😂 Not the end of the world though and time enough for restrictions as adults.

It’s nothing to do with you. I think we’ve all grasped by now that everyone is different and parents differently. It doesn’t affect anyone else.

Hi OP, I agree with you about the ballet classes and school uniform. I explained to my children that if I went to my zumba class in a suit, then I wouldn’t be dressed for that occasion. I also explained that if I went to work (In an office) in my pyjamas, then I wouldn’t be dressed for that occasion either.
There are uniforms for a reason and it is unfair to your daughter who wants to wear rainbow tights but its not the ballet uniform and all but 1 are adhering. I would either talk to the ballet teacher or look for another ballet class. I would also talk to the school and maybe on a Friday let her wear something small, which isn’t strictly allowed ie something in her hair or some different socks just so she has something.

The small shoes thing is appallingly neglectful. Although I wonder if it's true because it would be too painful for the child to be choosing to do it. If true, YABU for that not to be the thing you are appalled by, not the ballet photo!

So either way, I say bollocks to the OP!

Agree OP. The worst example I saw of this was at a funeral (a really awful funeral. All funerals are awful but you know what I mean, this wasn't a 118 year old who'd died peacefully in their sleep sort of thing).

Some family turned up with their daughter dressed as a fairy and their son dressed as a pirate.

Why are you bothered? Ill fitting shoes possibly a health hazard, but otherwise, who cares. My child went around wearing wellies and a swimming hat for a while because she liked it. Now she's a teenager with fairly normal but quite stylish outfits. I'm glad I let her experiment. It allows children to build their own confidence in their look, imo.

The only thing about this that would seriously concern me would be the shoes. Very bad for childrens' feet to be squashed into too small shoes. Too big shoes can also be dangerous (risk of tripping in them)

@NextdoorNeighbourIsATwat

I would love some kids to come my funeral in fancy dress.

I recently went to a child’s funeral and we were asked to wear bright colours. Lots of kids there and it made it less frightening for them.

Neglect takes many forms. It is not always “freedom of expression”

Dolly, it's great if you actively want that at your own funeral, but I thought it presumptuous of those parents. They should be left the children at home if they couldn't respect the gravity of the situation. It wasn't their decision to make.

I think you do need to relax a bit.

Firstly not your business really. As for the argument that your dc are trying to use their example to get to wear what they want well that's life - all families do things differently that's a lesson your dc need to learn.

I'm not a big fan of uniforms full stop especially for children, ridiculous that we insist on them for school, billions of schoolchildren around the world don't wear uniform and their education doesn't suffer as a result. It's just one more thing for teachers to nag kids about and indeed another chore for teachers.

Appropriate clothing for the weather so the kids aren't too hot or cold (which many schools fail on btw - see all the threads on here when in depths of winter children are banned from wearing coats or at height of summer made to wear sweaters and blazers and even tights!!), well fitting footwear is important for foot health - my mum was especially hot on this as she wrecked her own feet with stiletto winklepickers in the 60's.

But providing those aspects are covered let em wear what they want!

Dd had phases of wearing wellies/flip flops obsessively, wearing fancy dress items etc my dn's have too or in preferring certain colours or hating some or whatever.

Ultimately long as they're warm/cool/dry enough and not harming themselves let them crack on.

NextDoorNeighbour I get what you are saying but maybe that is what the deceased would have wanted? Not everyone wants traditional black at their funeral. My friend died a few weeks ago after a battle with cancer. When planning her funeral she said she wanted cheerful clothes. Her husband wore a novelty tie.

Shoes should fit but beyond that it all sounds brilliant.