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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a say in my kids Primary School placement?

198 replies

Pikachu18 · 13/01/2020 12:41

I'm not with my ex anymore, however DS (4) lives with him full time.
We've both moved on, new relationships, ect.

However, my fiancé bought it to my attention the other week about DS heading up to Primary School and needing to look for placements. I spoke to my ex about this, and he wasn't even aware that he needed to apply for them 🙄
Today, I message him and not only has he told me that he's applied for three places already. But he also ignored my questions as to what sort of schools they were - ofsted reports, other parents comments and such. But upon further investigation, and a few Google results later. I found that one of the schools he's applied for is a devout Christian school. I am not a Christian, neither is my partner, nor my ex.
My partner and I are in a LGBT relationship, and I've always stood by raising my children to be open minded and accepting of those around them regardless of gender/race/who they love and to have one of my kids put into a school where that sort of thing isn't accepted...?
Thing is, of course my ex is being a 5 star A-Hole about the whole thing. I'm not too sure what I can even do in this situation..

OP posts:
TeenPlusTwenties · 13/01/2020 12:48

I guess the trouble is, you aren't raising your child. They are with your ex full time. So the ex gets to make that decision. You hadn't even realised that primary applications were due, though it is equally sad that your ex hadn't either. The time to look at school etc was Sept / October.

Depending on location as a non faith child they might not have a hope of getting into a faith school. You can look up previous admission data to see whether non faith children get a look in or not. In some areas only those who can prove regular church attendance will get in.

randomsabreuse · 13/01/2020 12:49

Depending where your DC is any choice may well be a total illusion - you get your closest school if you put it down and you're lucky...

My town has 3 single form entry primary schools and a smaller Catholic primary. 2 of the 3 are C of E. All are basically full. We put our closest school, then the 2 convenient to our childminder (1 of which was the Catholic one), got our closest and wouldn't have got any of the others...

In villages in reality you put the village school and neighbouring villages but get the village school.

Ex probably stuck down closest that worked for him (wrap around etc.) and unless he put 3 random schools he won't get (so will end up in another random school somewhere) he will get the he gets!

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 13/01/2020 12:52

I think you've left it quite late to be asking this to be honest, isn't the deadline fairly soon?

Schools in my area work by catchment first then outside of catchment it's purely done by distance from school. You can look at the council website to see how far away the school has accepted in previous years to give you a good idea on how likely you are to be accepted into a school that you're outside the catchment for.

What I'd do (quickly) -
Ask him what order he has put the schools in. If he is within catchment for the first choice and it's not a tiny school then there is every chance he would get in there.

Ofsted is very easy to use just google it and download the report for the schools.

Also look at the website for the Christian school, for some religious schools there are additional entry requirements such as being christened or baptised and church attendance, then preference goes to other religions with regular place of worship attendance. This might rule it in or out.

Google school rankings as well.

Hopefully this should give you some peace of mind.

If you have any specific concerns then I'm not sure what you can actually do, not sure if you have any parental rights if your son doesnt live with you full time. You would have to contact the council to find out more.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 13/01/2020 12:54

You can ask schools to look around if you want as well.

I'd also reiterate what someone above said, an important factor is convenience for the resident parent as they will be doing all pick ups and drop offs, so location, parking, and wrap around care are all things he will be taking into account

Seaandsand83 · 13/01/2020 12:55

The time to look round schools was october/November time. I think you can't be annoyed at your partner as you didn't know either, which is quite sad. The closing date for applications is Wednesday. It's a huge decision to make as to which school you choose. If he has made the application online you have until midnight before gbe deadline to amend any school choices, so you could phone up and see if you can arrange a look round some schools tomorrow together and with your son, and then make an informed choice.

Nanny0gg · 13/01/2020 12:55

Not all church schools will be anti-lgbt, you won't know till you ask. (One of my DGC goes to a church school and there are gay parents there who are very happy with the school)

Do you have PR? Are your arrangements decided by the courts or between you?

gamerchick · 13/01/2020 12:58

I spoke to my ex about this, and he wasn't even aware that he needed to apply for them 🙄

Well to be fair, your partner had to make you aware of it so you're not much better.

Resident parent gets the say so imo as they'll be doing most of the donkey work and you can put choices down, it doesn't mean they'll get in.

TabbyMumz · 13/01/2020 12:59

"I've always stood by raising my children to be open minded and accepting of those around them"
But you arent raising him? He lives with his ex full time?

44PumpLane · 13/01/2020 12:59

I think he should tell you the names of the three schools he's put down and the order, but beyond that why can you not use Google? It's not his responsibility to fill you in on ofstead and other parents views.... You can do all that yourself!

Your child doesn't live with you, and as the resident parent I imagine your ex has gone with options that are convenient for him.

Also, as others have said, often religious schools will only accept those of the particular faith. He maybe just put it down as it has a good report and is close and he needed a third option.

Watermelontea · 13/01/2020 13:00

I’m pretty sure the deadline is the 15th in most places, so it’s very sad that neither of you gave it much thought until recently.
As I assume you won’t be doing the drop offs or pick ups very often, it’s not really got much to do with you, aside from hoping they go to at least a school classed as ‘good’.

Also, as someone who went to a Catholic primary and secondary, I can honestly say that apart from a mass every Friday, celebrations of significant religious events and R.E lessons, there were no hugely religious aspects to my days spent there.
There was certainly no outwards homophobia or LGBTQ bashing going on.

Pootles34 · 13/01/2020 13:00

Yes this is really late to be worrying about it - I'm pretty sure deadline is 20th.

I would also not be too hasty assuming a Christian school will be very narrow minded - are you not being a little narrow minded yourself here?! The school my DS goes to is a Christian school, they're very hot on accepting everyone, everyone's different, and they do discuss different types of relationships in class because we were told all about it.

ineedaholidaynow · 13/01/2020 13:00

As the deadline is Wednesday you need to move fast if you want any input. I am assuming your ex won't listen to you if you argue against any of the schools he has applied for.

I think it is a bit sad that both of your son's parents had no idea that you had to apply for a school and hadn't been looking into this before

DefConOne · 13/01/2020 13:01

If you were that bothered you would have made it your business to know about primary applications yourself instead of waiting for your fiancé to raise it.

arethereanyleftatall · 13/01/2020 13:04

From his point of view, he is the one raising your child, doing all the hard work, he is the one who'll have to do the school runs. So he should decide. I can imagine an op from his pov.

TeenPlusTwenties · 13/01/2020 13:04

What you could have done, is researched this in the autumn, gone to open days etc. Then you could have given your ex views on schools eg A is good because …, didn't like B because they are anti LGB and that will be hard for DC etc. That was your time to 'have a say'.

But given that you didn't do any of that and you don't appear to have shared care, I think you have lost your chance to have 'a say'.

Pinkflipflop85 · 13/01/2020 13:04

Pretty lax parenting from all involved considering application deadline is this Wednesday Hmm

WeeSleekitTimerousMoosey · 13/01/2020 13:04

Given he is the child's primary carer it would seem appropriate that he makes this decision on the basis of what is best for the child.

Wheresthebiffer2 · 13/01/2020 13:05

you say devout Christian. do you mean Catholic? there are lots of different denominations of Christianity, and not all are anti-LGBT. Quite the opposite in fact. Our priest is gay, and the first gay marriage took place in our church.

inwood · 13/01/2020 13:05

My cousin is gay and has a daughter and they go to the local catholic school with no issues.

Aside from that you've left it bloody late to think about it.

Appletreehouse · 13/01/2020 13:05

What are your contact arrangements? Do you have PR? The fact you didn't realise your son would be starting school and have any involvement at an earlier stage suggests you aren't really involved in their care, nursery pick up drop off, taking your child to clubs or day to day parenting as otherwise you would have known this sooner (it's all anyone with a 3/4 year old talks about October to December)If that's the case then no you don't get to decide, you clearly don't have a good co parenting arrangement.

Nicknacky · 13/01/2020 13:08

Well, you have left it so late that you don’t have the opportunities that you would have done if you had if you had got involved sooner.

But the main thing is the applications are in on time.

(Although I’m in Scotland, we don’t have half the grief of school applications that the rest of the country soon to do!)

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 13/01/2020 13:09

YABU to assume a faith school would have an anti view point. Quite the opposite is true. Mine attend a catholic school and we found both primary and secondary very nurturing and inclusive. Two of the teachers I know of are in same sex relationships and a couple of my DD's class mates have "come out" with the acceptance of their friends. TA have been all faith's, with a Muslim TA attending school mass.

CosmoK · 13/01/2020 13:11

I'm baffled as to how you thought school places were allocated??

Yes your ex should have consulted you BUT if he is the primary carer the school needs to work for him.

WeeSleekitTimerousMoosey · 13/01/2020 13:12

Although I’m in Scotland, we don’t have half the grief of school applications that the rest of the country soon to do

So true. I knew where mine would go to school before they were ever born.

Don't know how English folk cope with all the drama.

Crazyoldmaurice · 13/01/2020 13:14

If you were that fussed on where your child is educated you would have brought it up yourself instead of your partner needing to remind you. Too little too late.

I agree it's a bit sad that neither you or the dad gave much of a shit to look into the schools until last min.

As his father is the resident parent and you clearly didnt give enough of a shit to think about applying for school in Sept/Oct whatever works best for the resident parent. Either step up and take more responsibility over your kid or suck it up.