To want a say in my kids Primary School placement?

[Pikachu18]

I'm not with my ex anymore, however DS (4) lives with him full time.
We've both moved on, new relationships, ect.

However, my fiancé bought it to my attention the other week about DS heading up to Primary School and needing to look for placements. I spoke to my ex about this, and he wasn't even aware that he needed to apply for them 🙄
Today, I message him and not only has he told me that he's applied for three places already. But he also ignored my questions as to what sort of schools they were - ofsted reports, other parents comments and such. But upon further investigation, and a few Google results later. I found that one of the schools he's applied for is a devout Christian school. I am not a Christian, neither is my partner, nor my ex.
My partner and I are in a LGBT relationship, and I've always stood by raising my children to be open minded and accepting of those around them regardless of gender/race/who they love and to have one of my kids put into a school where that sort of thing isn't accepted...?
Thing is, of course my ex is being a 5 star A-Hole about the whole thing. I'm not too sure what I can even do in this situation..

If you in the uk, parents are told to put several schools on their list. If they don't, and they don't get their first or second preference, the council will give them some sadly awful school miles from their home that no-one wants. Its likely you ex has done this ie what the council has said provide a list of several schools - being realistic your ex is likely to have chosen schools with a good academic reputation where there is a good chance your child could get into due to distance from home or they are able to get them to for the school run etc. I hope this makes sense - what I am saying is that all parents will be putting some schools on their lists which are not ideal schools but better than some other schools. I think you need to let this play out as unless this school is a first preference they might not even get in it.
Also, with my council its a little known fact that the deadline you refer to is the deadline for submitting a list of schools. However, there is a second not published deadline where the council does not let the parents add or take any schools off this list but they can reorder them in terms of preference.

Pikachu ignore the people who just want to have a go.

And next time, post on the Chat board or in Education or Relationships but anywhere but AIBU as it's just full of arseholes who make a sport out of having a go.

Religious schools are sometimes the best local option educationally. My friends' DS goes to a CoE school and they don't mind that the family doesn't follow a religion. Wait to see what the result is.

Oh this thread has made me feel so sad for this child.

Op please re order your issues, I don’t think this annoyance is priority at all.

Perhaps you could use this time to read up on the process, some posters have left relevant information here, and focus on improving your mental health so you can be more involved in your child's life. Is the current arrangement formal or informal?

No such thing as a BEST local school only a school best for an individual set of circumstances unless you're one of those parents happy to shove your child into whatever school the Jones''s told you their darling was off to. You probably look at of OFSTED reports as an extra gospel too

www.churchofengland.org/more/media-centre/news/archbishop-launches-new-guidance-tackling-homophobic-bullying-church-england

Valuing All God’s Children.

Maybe try turning your open minded attitude towards the church?

Regardless of sex, gender, sexuality... I would want to decide where my child goes to school if I was responsible for them full time while the other parent was not. You sexuality isn't relevant to this.

being realistic your ex is likely to have chosen schools with a good academic reputation where there is a good chance your child could get into due to distance from home or they are able to get them to for the school run etc.

You've given some great advice on being able to reorder preferences after the date, ittakes2 - I never knew that!

However, I'd be cautious about assuming the OP's ex has chosen the best schools. If he wasn't even aware he should be doing this, how do we know how he's chosen the schools? In my local area it seems to me people often choose schools based on their reputability, but that reputation can often be several years (or generations, sometimes!) out of date.

Call the admissions department for your local area and explain the situation. Ask them what's possible - e.g. if it's possible to change the order of the schools or the schools that have been applied after it's been sent in and until when. Hopefully your area's the same as ittakes2, giving you a bit more time.. Don't actually ask to change anything at this point, just ask in general terms about what their policies are on this.

You shouldn't even need to give your name if you explain you're asking general questions about their policy, not actually asking to make a change.

Time is running out - the deadline may be the 15th, same as a lot of schools, so do this now, before they shut for the day if you can. Or tomorrow morning 1st thing if not.

Do you know which school you'd like your child to go to? Do you know why your ex has chosen the schools he has? Do you have a clear idea as to which one you'd like him to go to? Are there any on your ex's list that you do like?

I totally get what you mean about religious schools btw. I'd rather not have a religious school for my child. However did you know that all non-religious state schools are still required to provide an "act of worship that's broadly Christian in nature". What that means can vary enormously from school to school. For example, I have two local primaries. Both ordinary state schools. The one my DD goes to, ticks the worship box by doing things like getting the kids to close their eyes and think of wonder and awe! Or speaking to them about concepts such as what it means to be good.

The other school sings hymns and says Grace at lunch. Very different approaches.

Similarly, with CofE schools. some are very into the religious aspect. Some are funded by the CofE, but don't actually do any more in terms of religion than my local school does.

You mention that the nursery won’t speak to you. Please email them and firmly state that you have parental responsibility. Legally they can’t just cut you out. You therefore expect all updates, parents evenings etc to be sent to you too.

I suspect that if I had an ex who came a week before the deadline and said "did you know that you have to apply for schools now" when I'd been doing the everyday work of looking after them. I'd probably have replied "really, I had no idea, I'll look in to it next week" when in actual fact I'd applied back in October after researching schools.
Then if she hassled me this week, I'd have said "yeah, don't worry about it, I've done it" all casual like.

So I suspect he probably was totally aware of it, and did the research etc and applied some time ago. He probably doesn't appreciate having the NR parent telling him things he knew full well.

^ this.

The deadline here is 15th - so tbf your ex may have sent off a rather hurried application just to ensure he didn't miss the deadline! All left rather late to do this!

If you in the uk, parents are told to put several schools on their list. If they don't, and they don't get their first or second preference,

If you’re in England, the system is very different in Scotland and Northern Ireland and I don’t know about Wales.

I think it is irrelevant whether your partner is a Christian or not. Presumably you aren't already married to them but tbh if you aren't living with your child full time you, by default, get limited input.

And it wasn't just your ex who didn't know since your fiancée had to tell you.

However, my ex has not put me down as a point of contact with his nursery, I've tried many times to call but they won't speak to me without his consent

What follows assumes you and your son are both living in England. If that is not the case you should ignore the rest of this post.

The nursery is wrong. Unless your son has been adopted you have parental responsibility and are entitled to information from your son's nursery. You will similarly be entitled to information from his school.

Regarding school, as you have PR you are entitled to a say in your son's education. Those posters who seem to think you don't have any say because your son is living with your ex are wrong. Having said that, the deadline for primary school applications is January 15th regardless of where you live so you have left it very late.

Many Christians are pro LGBT as are their church family's. How open-minded of you

@ittakes2

If you in the uk, parents are told to put several schools on their list.

FFS not everywhere.

To have a say she would have to go to court. Good luck to a parent who rocks up to court wanting to make demands over the choice of school when they're not going to be doing any of the graft.

My DD went to a CofE church primary and they were amazing at promoting all ways of life and certainly educated the children positively about LGBTQ families. There was no prejudice and DD grew up understanding that love is love. You can’t tar all church schools with the same brush.

As you DC lives with your ex full time then I don’t feel you get to choose the school as you won’t be the one doing the school runs and dealing with them. Sorry but I think this decision goes to your ex if they are the full time resident parent. I’m not saying you shouldn’t have a say, but ultimately the choice should not be yours. Your ex being an arse about you having a say is an unlucky aside.

How could you or your ex not know about school applications? Especially if they’re at nursery. Nursery go on about it. It’s up to you to find this stuff out.

You've all left it late in the day, but the resident parent has put the forms in on time and I would imagine they've put the best schools for the child that fit with pickup, drop off and wrap around care for the resident parent.

Yes it would be good for them to talk to you, but if they know they're going to get a battle because you don't like faith schools and have decided they're devout and intolerant and would be likely to argue against perfectly good schools that are convenient for the day to day life of the child and resident parent then I have some sympathy for them getting on with it.

There's obviously so much missing from this story and either everyone involved is very laissez-faire about the child, and some have odd and some would say self centered priorities, or someone isn't telling the truth.

Witchend is quite likely right that the resident parent put in the application months ago and the response about not knowing was sarcastic.

SunshineCake that's a good point, perhaps she emphasises the entirely irrelevant issue of her partner not being religious because she's thinking about the resident parent's partner who perhaps is religious... It's entirely possible that her 4 year old is living full time with not only his father but with a step mother who is doing a significant amount of parenting from day to day and perhaps has been doing since the little boy was a baby or toddler.

There are so many open questions that it's pretty meaningless speculating unless the OP comes back and clarifies the set up, especially whether she sees her son every weekend and is significantly involved in parenting with the exception of nursery and choosing schools, or barely knows or sees him. Ploppers are irritating.