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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a say in my kids Primary School placement?

198 replies

Pikachu18 · 13/01/2020 12:41

I'm not with my ex anymore, however DS (4) lives with him full time.
We've both moved on, new relationships, ect.

However, my fiancé bought it to my attention the other week about DS heading up to Primary School and needing to look for placements. I spoke to my ex about this, and he wasn't even aware that he needed to apply for them 🙄
Today, I message him and not only has he told me that he's applied for three places already. But he also ignored my questions as to what sort of schools they were - ofsted reports, other parents comments and such. But upon further investigation, and a few Google results later. I found that one of the schools he's applied for is a devout Christian school. I am not a Christian, neither is my partner, nor my ex.
My partner and I are in a LGBT relationship, and I've always stood by raising my children to be open minded and accepting of those around them regardless of gender/race/who they love and to have one of my kids put into a school where that sort of thing isn't accepted...?
Thing is, of course my ex is being a 5 star A-Hole about the whole thing. I'm not too sure what I can even do in this situation..

OP posts:
Christmaspug · 13/01/2020 14:59

Obviously he gets to decide
Child lives with him

Ellisandra · 13/01/2020 14:59

As you have the names of the schools, there is nothing to stop you calling them and asking for a visit, and specifically asking them about LGBT issues. You don’t have to be resident parent to do that.

My child’s primary school includes LGB examples when talking about families. One teacher is known by the children to have a same sex (male) partner - which everyone just knows. Homophobic language or bullying is dealt with just with any other type of bullying. I daresay they have an LGBT policy somewhere, but I’ve never had call to read it. At her school, gay is just something some people are. All rather dull, just as are single parent families, only children, fostered children...

Doyoumind · 13/01/2020 15:00

Any parent with PR legally has a right to input in the decision making.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 13/01/2020 15:01

The thing is though, it sounds like the OP does not have PR at the moment.

thelongdarkteatimeofthesoul · 13/01/2020 15:02

How much contact do you have with your child?

Going on your second post it sounds as though you have never ever collected him from nursery under any circumstances - not a regular pick up nor when ill. Is this arrangement set to continue when your son starts school?

If you will never fetch your child from school then the school needs to work for the parent who will be juggling the logistics. Breakfast or after school clubs or which schools local childminders will pick up from might have to be be top priority rather than religion.

Do you see your child every weekend?

If you see your child rarely do you honestly know him well enough to know which school would best suit him? It's the 4 year old child the school has to suit, not the parents, though the resident parent has to be able to manage the logistics without giving up work!

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 13/01/2020 15:03

my ex has not put me down as a point of contact with his nursery, I've tried many times to call but they won't speak to me without his consent.

If they can't automatically speak to her, she doesn't have PR.

LoonyLunaLoo · 13/01/2020 15:05

It’s pretty crap parenting from both of you to not even realise that your child is going to school this year. When did you think you were going to apply? Or did you just not think at all? The council needs time to sort out all the school places then there’ll be information day/ evenings and visit days from around June at the school that he’s going to go to.

Doyoumind · 13/01/2020 15:06

Mothers automatically have PR, unless OP is not the birth mother.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 13/01/2020 15:07

Unless it has been legally lost.

Doyoumind · 13/01/2020 15:09

Which would be highly unusual.

thehorseandhisboy · 13/01/2020 15:09

The deadline for applications is tomorrow. Nearly all of the open morning events were before Xmas.

Hopefully, your ds's father has put down schools that ds has a decent chance of getting into.

NoSquirrels · 13/01/2020 15:12

If they can't automatically speak to her, she doesn't have PR.

If she is the child's birth mother, then I think it would be extremely unlikely she doesn't have parental responsibility! Sounds like a miscommunication with nursery or something else going on.

OP, park this issue - it is not important in the grand scheme of things right now. Hopefully other posters have reassured you that not all religious schools will be unsupportive of LGBT parents. Wait for the decision on school places before you worry about this.

Hopefully you are getting support with your MH and access to your DC.

FizzyIce · 13/01/2020 15:15

Tough shit I’m afraid .
The full time parent will and should always have the final say as they’re the ones who have to take them in everyday and work with the school.
You can’t bad mouth the ex when you didn’t even know yourself

coconuttelegraph · 13/01/2020 15:15

yes I know it's late but I genuinely heard nothing about this and thought there would be more time

That's a little contradictory - if you thought there would be more time you must have considered it and the normal thing to do would have been to either look online or ask someone or phone up the local authority. You can't blame you ex when you did nothing to find out either.

Are any of the schools the catchment school?

doritosdip · 13/01/2020 15:15

The deadline is Wednesday so you can't take legal action to find out what preferences he's stated.

Don't be put off by the religious name. Many community schools (non-religious) can be pretty religious with Christian hymns rather than general songs etc I wouldn't take it as given that a Christian primary will be anti-LGBT. It's sometimes the only school for an area and they are usually just as kind as a community school.

doritosdip · 13/01/2020 15:18

Look up the admissions stats for last year on your ex's council website. You'll be able to work out which school, children from his street normally attend. It may be that there is next to no chance of the religious school offering a place.

doritosdip · 13/01/2020 15:22

The eye roll emoji is pretty hypocritical considering that your partner had to prompt you.

DuMondeB · 13/01/2020 15:23

It may be that there is next to no chance of the religious school offering a place.

Especially if the family aren’t regular worshippers, if they are, then the school won’t make much difference if they are already getting a religious education at church/mosque/temple etc.

Ellisandra · 13/01/2020 15:28

I have a friend who is a primary head of a CofE school, and she’d be pretty offended at your automatic assumption of intolerance btw.

thelongdarkteatimeofthesoul · 13/01/2020 15:31

If it's a church of England church it'd pretty much be a non issue having a mother in a lesbian relationship anyway - the church of England ordains openly gay clergy.

SoupDragon · 13/01/2020 15:33

You’ve both dropped the ball on this, you can’t really blame him if you didn’t realise the deadline either. Seems like he’s pulled his finger out and completed the application, possibly with the 3 most likely options.

This.

The time to have been thinking about OFSTED reports, reviews and other stuff was a year ago. Now it's a case of picking the most likely and getting the application in on time, which he seems to have done.

coconuttelegraph · 13/01/2020 15:35

I have a friend who is a primary head of a CofE school, and she’d be pretty offended at your automatic assumption of intolerance btw

That's why I asked about what OP means by devout, ime C of E schools don't fit her description, it may be that she is making assumptions based purely on the name of the school. We need more details

BreatheAndFocus · 13/01/2020 15:37

OP, look at your local council’s education page. Mine has information about school applications, including if parents disagree about choice of schools. In my area, if you had PR and no court orders preventing you, you’d be entitled to make your own application. However, you need to read about how your local council would decide, if they got two applications eg will they look at who’s the Resident Parent, who receives the Child Benefit, etc.

I don’t think you need to worry about the LGBT side. But possibly, from your comments about nursery, the real issue is you feel your ex is now pushing you out of all decisions and care relating to your child?

If that’s the case, get advice and support asap.

Lifecraft · 13/01/2020 15:37

@ Fuzzyhair89 Why is your son living with his dad full time?

Yawn! It's quite usual for a child to live with at least one of their parents.

LordOfTheWhys · 13/01/2020 15:38

So you're 'accepting and open-minded' except when it comes to faith schools and their curriculum Hmm
tbh you sound as ignorant about faith schools as you were about the applications deadline. I can't think of any faith school that I know that doesn't have LGBT pupils and staff. They're not the bastion of intolerance you seem to think they are. But they're also usually over-subscribed because of their results and reports, so if your ex left it late, your DC is unlikely to get a place anyway.