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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hope she dies?

278 replies

soulasylum · 12/01/2020 17:03

OK this is going to sound awful and I'm expecting some of you to condemn me for this.

My nan has been in a care home for the past 18 months. Dementia has taken hold - she is a shell of the woman she once was. Multiple heart attacks, struck down with pneumonia last year, and still she pulls through.

Now this woman is a huge part of my life. I love her dearly and cherish her. She was a second mum to me growing up. She was clean, tidy, intelligent. Survived WW2 and her husband dying young. An incredible, strong woman all around.

To see her like this it's...heartbreaking.

I want her to fall asleep tonight and not wake up tomorrow. I want her to be at peace. I want her to be free, from medication and the care home and the fear of another heart attack or bout of illness.

I sound heartless, I know I do. Please tell me there are others of you out there, who have been through this and can understand my feelings.

It's an awful time.

OP posts:
lostsoulsunited · 12/01/2020 17:05

It was a relief when my Nan died, she was in so much pain and felt so miserable, she was ready to die and leave all the pain and told us so often.

Flowers
ScarlettDarling · 12/01/2020 17:05

You don't sound heartless. I completely understand. I'm sorry you're having to see your poor nan like this Flowers

BorissGiantJohnson · 12/01/2020 17:06

I get what you're saying op and I wish the best for both of you. I get that it's very hard. Maybe it's not one for an aibu vote though.

The80sweregreat · 12/01/2020 17:07

I understand how you feel.

user764329056 · 12/01/2020 17:07

I understand how heartbreaking this is, had a similar situation with a family member, you just want the suffering to end

Fleetheart · 12/01/2020 17:07

Of course you want her to go. For her to fall asleep now and go would be the best thing. Which of us wouldn’t want this for our loved ones (or ourselves?)

Longdistance · 12/01/2020 17:07

Yanbu. It’d be a blessed relief for her to pass. No more pain for her Flowers

BlessingsToYou · 12/01/2020 17:08

My grandfather has just passed following several years in a home with dementia.

It feels awful to say but I think everyone is relieved... not because he's gone but because he is no longer suffering, no longer here but not here, no longer confused and anxious about what going on around him and not recognising family...

We're all very sad to say goodbye.. but really we said goodbye years ago and now his body is gone we will be celebrating his life and everything he gave us.

Maybe you need to consider whether DNR should be in place? It's a very hard thing to consider but maybe keeping them going just for them to be here for us isn't as kind as we may think it is?!

Sending you much love.

loutypips · 12/01/2020 17:08

No you don't sound heartless. It's heartbreaking seeing a loved one like that. I'm in exactly the same position as you.

ErrolTheDragon · 12/01/2020 17:08

You sound compassionate, not heartless. Thanks

Original poster
soulasylum · 12/01/2020 17:08

@BorissGiantJohnson I get why you'd say that. It's just I need clarification that I'm not a heartless monster and there are others who have felt like this.

OP posts:
Frenchw1fe · 12/01/2020 17:09

My mil was the same and it was a blessed relief when she died. She was refusing to eat or drink at the end and her body must have been in so much pain from starvation.

Do not feel guilty for thinking this and know that your nan and you were lucky to have each other. I hope for you and your family that your nan is soon at peace. Flowers

Sotiredofthislife · 12/01/2020 17:09

My mum died with dementia earlier this year. She had an accident at her care home which advanced the dementia considerably. She died soon after. It was nothing other than a blessing.

SoupDragon · 12/01/2020 17:09

You don't sound heartless at all. You sound like you care very much indeed. You are absolutely right in how you think.

Flowers
DickDewy · 12/01/2020 17:09

I think that's what anyone in your shoes wishes for.

ParkheadParadise · 12/01/2020 17:09

I will be honest, I don't like the title of your thread.
I understand your feelings my mum had dementia and was in a care home.
It was a blessing but I was absolutely devastated when she passed away.
She didn't know us and would cry looking for her mother.
Dementia is awful.

TooManyPaws · 12/01/2020 17:10

No, you're not being unreasonable or wrong. My father and I prayed that my mother would die; my father even said that no one would let an animal suffer on like this.

BelgianWhistles · 12/01/2020 17:10

Yanbu. I felt exactly the same with my nan. Flowers

Drum2018 · 12/01/2020 17:10

Not a bit unreasonable. I watched mil go through hell shouting out in pain and at that time all I could think was that you wouldn't let an animal suffer like that. I am in favour of euthanasia and would hate to be left suffering, with medical staff not being allowed to give adequate pain relief or to be in a situation where I'd have no quality of life. My mum suffered badly too but was only diagnosed with her terminal illness near the end. She was given lots of pain relief then and passed peacefully and quietly. It's traumatic to watch anyone die but when they are distressed, confused and in pain it is torture for them and those trying to comfort them.

ilikemethewayiam · 12/01/2020 17:10

Oh OP I don’t think you’re heartless. It’s coming from a place of love. I went through this with my Nan. It was the most awful experience. Once the illness progresses to a point they no longer know who you are or even who they are, the person you knew has long gone. I also prayed she would pass peacefully in her sleep and that’s exactly what happened. I was devastated to lose her but so relieved that her suffering was offer. She had absolutely no quality of life. [Flowers]

Spidey66 · 12/01/2020 17:11

The last couple of weeks of my mums life I spent hoping she would die. Watching your mum die of cancer is horrible, and I'm sure was even worse for her. So if you're unreasonable so was I.

Funkycats · 12/01/2020 17:11

I'm so sorry for you Flowers
You aren't heartless at all. Your post shows compassion and love.
I have worked with elderly people with some with dementia, and on occasion I have seen them sleeping so deeply that I thought they had passed away. I was almost sad when I realised they hadn't.
I think we would all like to pass away peacefully in our sleep.
Please don't feel bad, and remember when you are with her she can feel your love, even if she doesn't know who you are x

KitKat1985 · 12/01/2020 17:11

It's not heartless to not want someone you love to suffer. Flowers

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 12/01/2020 17:11

I'm so so sorry OP Flowers

I lost my Gran a year ago to Dementia and there were definitely mixed feelings. I love and miss her so much but it was so difficult to see what she went through and there was relief that she wouldn't have to go through it anymore.

It's such an awful disease.

Zoflorabore · 12/01/2020 17:12

Both of my beloved nans died from demwntia, one in 2010 when I was 6 months pregnant with my dd and the other one was only last June. It is the most heartbreaking disease and I said the same as you. Please don’t feel guilty about it. You want what is best for her.

They say you lose them twice with dementia.
Once when this cruel illness takes hold and again when they pass away and I’ve found that to be true. Sending you a big hug xx