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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hope she dies?

278 replies

soulasylum · 12/01/2020 17:03

OK this is going to sound awful and I'm expecting some of you to condemn me for this.

My nan has been in a care home for the past 18 months. Dementia has taken hold - she is a shell of the woman she once was. Multiple heart attacks, struck down with pneumonia last year, and still she pulls through.

Now this woman is a huge part of my life. I love her dearly and cherish her. She was a second mum to me growing up. She was clean, tidy, intelligent. Survived WW2 and her husband dying young. An incredible, strong woman all around.

To see her like this it's...heartbreaking.

I want her to fall asleep tonight and not wake up tomorrow. I want her to be at peace. I want her to be free, from medication and the care home and the fear of another heart attack or bout of illness.

I sound heartless, I know I do. Please tell me there are others of you out there, who have been through this and can understand my feelings.

It's an awful time.

OP posts:

ChardonnaysDistantCousin · 12/01/2020 17:28

My grandmother was like that at the end. It was heartbreaking and so hard on everybody.

VeganCow · 12/01/2020 17:29

Yanbu, many of us have felt like this, with animals too. Its about compassion and empathy and animal euthanasia happens because of it. Also we must all be right thinking this, don't think Ive seen 100% on the voting before.

74NewStreet · 12/01/2020 17:29

Dementia is like a cruel, cruel joke. Yanbu in the slightest.

PenguinMama · 12/01/2020 17:29

Aww, it's makes a lot of sense to wish she could be at peace now. One of the things we all said at the funeral of DHS grandparent who had dementia, was how lovely it was too be able to remember and think of the person they were rather than the anxious person they had become.

CatkinToadflax · 12/01/2020 17:30

I want my dad to die tonight too. Dementia also. The man he was has long gone and he has no dignity left at all. In the moments when he can speak, hearing him crying out for his mother (who died 26 years ago) is haunting.

Picklypickles · 12/01/2020 17:30

My nan has just gone into a nursing home and has dementia, I feel the same way you do. I love my nan dearly, I was closer to her than my own mum when I was growing up and it kills me to see her in some strange place with strangers taking care of her personal care etc and she is suffering, she can't walk or get herself out of bed, needs the toilet every 10 minutes and gets worked up to screaming pitch needing the staff to come and help her, she has become quite nasty and is making my poor grampa cry on a daily basis. It's not life its hell and its not what she wants, she wants to die.

whitebowls · 12/01/2020 17:30

I feel exactly the same as you, OP.
Be kind to yourself. You sound loving and emphatic.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 12/01/2020 17:31

I am so sorry OP ...I get you totally ...to sit back and watch a loved one so dear to us exist like this is heart breaking ....

MulticolourMophead · 12/01/2020 17:31

Mum didn't have dementia, but was slowly leaving us from a variety of other illnesses. I was so torn. I wanted my mum to stay with us forever, yet wanted her suffering to end.

OP, you're not being callous, no one wants their loved ones suffering.

bakewreck99 · 12/01/2020 17:32

Yanbu - my lovely DGM had dementia and I remember a huge feeling of relief when she died, which I still feel guilty for. It wasn’t her there at the end.

Kay896 · 12/01/2020 17:32

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BorneoBabe · 12/01/2020 17:32

@Tellingitlikeitisnt I said years ago. Probably 50+ years ago. No one said it's still happening so calm yer beak.

Grasspigeons · 12/01/2020 17:32

I am sorry you are hoing for this. I felt the same during the last years of my grandmothers life which appeared to be entierly suffering. I will say it wss a blessing when she passed and i was so relieved she was free - but it was also a huge shock for some reason..

TheresWaldo · 12/01/2020 17:33

It's absolutely fine to feel like this. I lost 3 of my gps in the last 5 years. My 2 GMs had a drawn out end with drugs and much care needed which was agony for everyone involved. My GD just literally dropped dead one day. For the woo among you, the day before he said he was woken early by his mother calling him to hurry up and get dressed. He was 89. I know what I would prefer if it was me.

OhTheRoses · 12/01/2020 17:35

No, you aren't heartless. My adored grandma died with Alzheimers which utterly ravaged her and because she was as strong as an ox with no underlying diseases, it ran its full course. She was in a geriatric mh unit for five years and weighed 4.5st when she died having forgotten how to swallow.

She was a strong and intelligent woman. Ran the farm single handed throughout the war and carried on with it afterwards. Also a fantastic horsewoman.

I
Alzheimers and dementia are wicked diseases and nobody should have to suffer indefinitely. I would want to cease via dignitas.

With love op

Lockheart · 12/01/2020 17:36

YANBU at all. We were in the same position; she had been very unwell for years and was in a care home for about 6 years. Diabetic, strokes, a heart attack, infection after infection, numerous hospital stays which we always thought would be the end, but somehow she pulled through each time. By the end she was doubly incontinent, all but blind (she'd been functionally deaf for years), and in constant distress because she couldn't understand why her father wouldn't come and take her home, she didn't know who anyone was.

It was utterly horrendous to watch. You wouldn't let a dog suffer like that, I will never understand why we force people to endure it.

AintNobodyHereButUsChickens · 12/01/2020 17:37

You are absolutely not unreasonable at all. I lost my grandma last year to Oesophageal cancer and it was such a relief when she finally let go. She hadn't eaten anything for months and she was so so thin and frail. It was awful seeing her like that.

Hugs to you OP, it's the hardest thing, watching someone you love deteriorate like this

Mrsmadevans · 12/01/2020 17:38

I get what you are saying and l really empathise with you. I hope she is at peace very soon my dear. An unmumsnetty hug for you sweetheart.

Original poster

soulasylum · 12/01/2020 17:38

Everyone, my eyes are welling up at your responses. You've absolutely touched my heart- thank you, thank you so much.
And to all of who who have been through what I'm going through or are going through it now - sending you a HUGE hug. You've really all helped me much more than you know.

OP posts:

pointythings · 12/01/2020 17:38

I totally understand you. I felt exactly the same when I heard that my Dad, who had Parkinson's Dementia and was in a nursing home, had aspiration pneumonia and wasn't going to live. By that point he was non-verbal, immobile, incontinent - not there any more in every aspect but the physical. All he could do was make sounds when he was in pain - because Parkinson's can come with awful muscle spasms.

Fortunately he had a solid plan in place for how he wished to be treated - DNR, no antibiotics, no hospital, just solid palliative care.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 12/01/2020 17:38

Not heartless at all.

My DM had dementia for many years and was a most pitiful wreck for at least her last few years. She didn’t know any of her family, could hold no conversation at all, had no clue about anything, was doubly incontinent, too.
She went on to 97 and it would have been a great mercy if she’d slipped away long before. Her former self - a very private and fastidious person - would have been absolutely horrified to know how she was going to end up.
For several years before she died I often wished she could slip away peacefully in her sleep, and I’ve never felt remotely bad about it. I know 100% that it’s what she’d have wanted for herself.

Please don’t feel guilty for wishing she’d be released - and don’t let anyone else make you feel guilty, either. People who’ve never had a relative in this position can be revoltingly pious.

Beseen19 · 12/01/2020 17:40

Hello, I'm in the same situation with my grandfather. Not that he has dementia but he has lived the last few years barely alive, all care given in bed and it's a bit of a grim existence. He needs oxygen so his door is shut all day long. He watches tv all day.

Make sure things are put in place should the time come, speak to the nurse at the care home. We have a DNACPR in place but also he has agreed not to be actively treated. So his condition involves a lot of chest infections/breathlessness and he has a plan in place so he can be given nebulisers and morphine to relieve shortness of breath should an exacerbation occur. He does not want to be taken to hospital and does not want to be treated with antibiotics. He will stay in his home environment and be cared for by the nurses and carers who have cared for him for years. If this plan were not in place the nurses would call an ambulance and he would be dragged through a&e and most likely die there in a side room.

iolaus · 12/01/2020 17:41

Dementia is cruel it takes the person they were. In reality you know your nan as you knew her has gone, and that she probably wouldn't want to be the way she is now

I know my nan fell and broke her neck several years before she died, and her alzeimers got worse - felt guilty for saying it but it would have been much kinder for her if she had passed away when she fell - it doesn't mean you don't love them

BarracudaSharkNose · 12/01/2020 17:42

Society needs to engage with end of life for people whose quality of life has gone. It was heartbreaking watching my mum with dementia at the end. If I got diagnosed I would hope to be able to exit quietly at the right time.

CuntyMcBollocks · 12/01/2020 17:42

Dementia is a horrendous disease, for the person who has it, and also for the people who care about those who are suffering from it. I've worked in care homes for most of my working life and have helped to care for hundreds of people suffering from some form of dementia, and after seeing people deteriorate, I can honestly say that it's not a life at all in my opinion. It's an existence.

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