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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hope she dies?

278 replies

soulasylum · 12/01/2020 17:03

OK this is going to sound awful and I'm expecting some of you to condemn me for this.

My nan has been in a care home for the past 18 months. Dementia has taken hold - she is a shell of the woman she once was. Multiple heart attacks, struck down with pneumonia last year, and still she pulls through.

Now this woman is a huge part of my life. I love her dearly and cherish her. She was a second mum to me growing up. She was clean, tidy, intelligent. Survived WW2 and her husband dying young. An incredible, strong woman all around.

To see her like this it's...heartbreaking.

I want her to fall asleep tonight and not wake up tomorrow. I want her to be at peace. I want her to be free, from medication and the care home and the fear of another heart attack or bout of illness.

I sound heartless, I know I do. Please tell me there are others of you out there, who have been through this and can understand my feelings.

It's an awful time.

OP posts:
Wishihadanalgorithm · 12/01/2020 17:55

We are so much kinder to our animals when we euthanise them; they don’t go through a quarter of what your lovely nan has endured.

You aren’t heartless, OP.

WhatinthenameofHalloween · 12/01/2020 17:55

All I felt when my mum died after a long cancer battle was relief. Relief for her and the prison we were all in as a family. Yes it took a long time to get over the guilt of feeling that way, but it's all part of the grieving process. Don't be ashamed in any way.

Stronger76 · 12/01/2020 17:55

Over 525 votes still 100%. YANBU op. Wishing a swift and hopefully pain-free relief for you all x

Bluetrews25 · 12/01/2020 17:57

YANBU
Over 30 years ago I dreamed that I 'had' to kill my Dad to stop his suffering - he had terminal bowel cancer. I didn't do it, of course, but the knowledge that there was only one way this was going to end was awful.
Since then I have worked in a specialist cancer hospital (where they do not speed things up, but they do make things as comfortable as possible for the patient), and now work in a busy ward seeing many patients living with dementia. The medics are very good at doing the Respect forms. It's such a cruel disease, and terribly hard for the families.
It's a strange imbalance whereby when our beloved pets are past the point of saving we can give them a sweeter ending and avoid excessive suffering for them and those who love and care for them, but we are not able to do this for our fellow humans. In this country.
I applaud those who have tried to change the laws.
Wanting someone's pain, suffering or anguish to be shorter is absolutely not cruel.
Obviously not condoning Shipman!

hazell42 · 12/01/2020 17:58

This may sound harsh, and I don't mean it to be.
It is you who cannot bear this, not your nan
She is bearing this fine.
Watching someone we love die a.slow death is horrible, but that is the last gift we can give them.
Take.comfort from she fact that she is not aware

Bunnybigears · 12/01/2020 17:58

My Grandma was in a care home with very advanced dementia for years, she had numerous health problems, contracted MRSA etc etc. When she died it was honestly a relief.

Thestrangestthing · 12/01/2020 17:58

After watching 2 of my grandparents suffer through dementia, and seeing their final days out in a home you are not being unreasonable. It's unbearable to watch them waste away to a frail skeleton that can't get out a chair or eat themeselves. They can't remember who anyone is, and my gran spent 2 years of her life completely speechless because she had lost the ability to for words. I used to wish it would all end for them everytime I saw them.

Wills · 12/01/2020 17:58

Oh honey, you have my absolutely love and sympathy. This happened to my mum. Horrific to sit by and watch. Agony.

Hepsibar · 12/01/2020 18:00

Want to say though that depending how the dementia has attacked her brain, she still may have many moments of joy in the home ... esp if it's one where the needs are taken care of properly and the food is good and there are lots of different activities to take part in and some specifically she may enjoy, in the moment, even if she doesnt remember, in the now she may more happiness than its poss to believe ... though of course v different to a person with full mental capacity and esp hard when it's your own loved one.

Purpleartichoke · 12/01/2020 18:00

My mother eventually came to pray that her mother would die. Dementia is horrible. Seeing a woman who placed Such importance on proper behavior and general kindness become violent and cruel was just awful. She would have been horrified if she had known what she was doing.

I’ve come to believe that the way we care for elderly patients needs a serious societal review. I’m not sure what the best solution is, but I don’t think the current situation of extending life whenever possible is the right approach.

Ellie56 · 12/01/2020 18:01

You don't sound heartless OP. You know she's had enough and you just want her to go peacefully. It's what we'd all want for ourselves, I think. Flowers

ParkheadParadise · 12/01/2020 18:01

This is why dementia is known as THE LONG GOODBYE.
The person is gone long before they die. You grieve in that time, then when they die you grieve again.
I fucking hate dementia.

Imonlydoingwhatican · 12/01/2020 18:01

Ive had this twice, my own darling nan, who had dementia and was in care home for years said goodbye so many times, it was heartbreaking and a relief in the same breath.

My lovely mil passed last year adter battling cancer for 9 years. The last 4 months were such a mixed bag. We were devested and again relieved she was no longer in pain.

Its not an easy time when you know they are suffering and you know their only way of no pain is death. You have my sympathies xx

LackOfAdhesiveDucks · 12/01/2020 18:02

I am at the same place with my grandmother. She has been in a care home with dementia for 3 years now. She no longer speaks, she cannot recognize anyone and sleeps most of the time. I also wish for her to fall asleep and not wake up, it would be so much kinder. She is unrecognizable as the strong, stubborn, competent woman she was.

It was much easier with my grandfather (other side of the family). He was in the early stages of dementia when he passed but was already becoming violent and aggressive, two characteristics which were so unlike him. He died very suddenly of a stoke which was a shock but was ultimately for the best as watching him deteriorate would have been so much worse for everyone, including him. At the time I felt guilty for thinking it was best but after seeing the dementia take over my grandmother I don’t feel that way anymore. The stoke taking him quickly was really a blessing.

SoupDragon · 12/01/2020 18:03

She is bearing this fine.

How do you know that?

You don't.

Supersimkin2 · 12/01/2020 18:03

615 votes and still 100% YANBU.

Even doctors admit some people live too long.

In the old days death was seen as a blessing for the old and sick - and that was before dementia was as common as it is now.

billydilly · 12/01/2020 18:03

I completely understand your sentiments op, I felt the same about my dad who died last year. That generation were so stoic and resilient, it's horrible to see them become less than their true, noble selves.

Inherdefence · 12/01/2020 18:03

I sympathise entirely OP. My dad died at age 53, by then he had cancer in his colon, his liver, his blood, his bones and his brain and god knows where else. He was an incredibly fit man who ran his last marathon about 5 months before his death. His fitness went against him in the end as no matter how weak he became, no matter how much morphine he was given to try and ease the pain, his heart just wouldn’t stop. If I could have spared him even a day of that pain wracked misery I wouldn’t have hesitated.

I’ve posted many times about my mum, we are not close, she’s selfish and unkind and was not a good mum when we were children but she nursed my dad at home until the end because she knew he would not be happy with strangers touching him and I will always admire her for that.

I hope your lovely nan finds peace soon. Flowers

Nicolastuffedone · 12/01/2020 18:04

When a dear relative had a brain tumour, initially I prayed for a cure, when it wasn’t to be, I prayed for a quick end for him....we wouldn’t let our pets suffer the way humans do. It would be a blessed relief if she could close her eyes and gently go off to sleep......

CherryPavlova · 12/01/2020 18:05

I’m waiting for my mother to die. It’s not heartless at all. She is distressed when she is conscious enough to be aware and has been like that for eight months now. We were told she had days to live back in April but her heart still beats and she is breathing; nothing more apart from pain and distress. It’s horrible to watch and I hope she dies soon.
It’s not that anyone is artificially extending her life.She is having no active treatment. It’s just her last switch needs to be turned off to bring her peace.

Sonichu · 12/01/2020 18:05

I feel exactly the same about my grandmother. She has dementia, Alzheimers, needs 24 hour care and doesn't even recognise her daughters never mind us grandchildren. It's not a life she'd want to live.

Oliversmumsarmy · 12/01/2020 18:05

Mil is going through the same.

She cries that she wants to die. She is 94.

She can’t walk and is bed bound. In her more lucid moments she wishes she could find something to kill herself

Drs say she could be another 3 years

frankincenseandmur · 12/01/2020 18:05

YANBU, dementia is an awful disease and it’s horrible to watch someone you love deteriorate

Serin · 12/01/2020 18:06

Purple artichoke, I completely agree with you.
Too many times I have seen the terrible effects of trying to preserve life at all costs.
There truly are worse things than death.
OP I wish you strength. Flowers

hazell42 · 12/01/2020 18:08

I didnt mean that in any sort of goady way
Not at all
People with dementia are lost to us, who remember the people that they were, but that doesnt mean they are suffering themselves.
It is always hard to watch someone we love suffer.
No matter what they are suffering from.
OP you have my sympathies.