To hope she dies?

[soulasylum]

OK this is going to sound awful and I'm expecting some of you to condemn me for this.

My nan has been in a care home for the past 18 months. Dementia has taken hold - she is a shell of the woman she once was. Multiple heart attacks, struck down with pneumonia last year, and still she pulls through.

Now this woman is a huge part of my life. I love her dearly and cherish her. She was a second mum to me growing up. She was clean, tidy, intelligent. Survived WW2 and her husband dying young. An incredible, strong woman all around.

To see her like this it's...heartbreaking.

I want her to fall asleep tonight and not wake up tomorrow. I want her to be at peace. I want her to be free, from medication and the care home and the fear of another heart attack or bout of illness.

I sound heartless, I know I do. Please tell me there are others of you out there, who have been through this and can understand my feelings.

It's an awful time.

I'm feeling for you and your Nan, OP. I think all of us are. She wouldn't want to be living like that. I hope she is soon released, then you can mourn her properly. xx

YANBU
My poor gran is also suffering with dementia. She doesn’t recognise anyone any more, always asks my grandad for him thinking he will be a young man. She can barely speak. She can’t eat solid food any more.
She was the kindest, most caring woman I know. She would literally do anything for anyone. She’s a shell now and it breaks my heart.
Dementia is so unbelievably cruel. They said my gran would probably die within a few weeks over a year ago now but she’s still hanging on. I just don’t want to see her suffer any more.

You are not heartless at all..shows you love your nan very much that you want her to be at peace. Sending you hugs..

You aren't heartless at all. Death can be a kindness when all real life has left at the end and it's just suffering that's left. Many of us have done a lot of grieving before the person has actually died. Wishing you peace.

for you and your Nan.

Heading for the same situation with my lovely DM - always such a strong, positive, mentally sharp person, always kept a clean house and looked so stylish. I hate seeing her lose her memory and confidence and to be so lonely with all her friends and siblings gone.

I really hope for her just to slip away in her sleep one night, warm and secure.

I've had a few relatives in care homes with dementia, it is utterly heartbreaking to see the person you love existing with no quality of life. It's like you grieve twice, because really they've gone even though they're still breathing. So no, YANBU, completely normal and reasonable to feel this way. Big hugs x

Wow, not one YABU. I don’t think I have ever seen that.

So sorry OP, what a horrendous situation for you and your family. I hope her passing is peaceful

425 votes and not a single YABU. I think that says a lot

Not dementia, but I had a relative with severe learning difficulties. Many of the people with similar needs in his care home age very suddenly at a premature age, and dementia is common. In his case, a couple of beavements hit hard and gradually over his final years, he retreated into himself in a deepening depression with fewer anf fewer phases of being his usual self. By his final Christmas, he was just slumped in a chair, exisiting within himself. The last time I saw him was in ITU during a short illness, and it will sound odd, but it was a relief as he looked relaxed for the first time in years as he laid there. He died a week later, released from suffering. Prematurely by average standards, but the natural end of his life with little chance of joy ahead.

Sometimes there is more grieving to be done while somebody is alive, suffering and only the inevitable to occur at some indeterminate point. Life is about experiencing and not a body existing.

None of us is immortal and there can be worse things than death xxx

YANBU it is perfectly normal to feel like this. Just remember she may not realise the extend of this experience.

Currently 100% of people on the thread understand. But even if that were to change, you know in your heart you only have her best interests in mind.

Borneobabe

You are both right and wrong. Doctors are now very wary of the dosages of morphine given for pain relief, especially following the scandals of recent years - Shipman et al.

Nevertheless, my DM was a nurse and she said it was not uncommon when a patient was obviously not going to recover and was in discomfort for the Doctors to administer a dose of morphine which would be sure to bring comfort but which may, also, hasten the patient's death.

I cared for my grandma for the last three years of her life, and swift decline into dementia. I get it.

To be so vulnerable, so dependent on others, at other times distressed....it's heartbreaking to see.

If it makes it any better, as long as she is safe and comfortable then that's the most can be achieved. The end came quite quickly for my DG when her body decided it couldn't go on and it was peaceful.

Remember who she was, she'd want that, and that is what you WILL remember, in time. As I do.

Would just add, we had agreed with her very good care home that with the exception of e.g. another broken hip, there was to be no life-prolonging or life saving treatment, and no hospital - in any case a dreadful place for anyone with dementia, when they have no clue what’s going on, or why.
Palliative care only.
IMO to ‘strive to keep alive’ would have been verging on cruelty.

q

Dementia is awful. You start grieving for them before they are gone, and death is a release.

You're not an awful person, you clearly love your nan very much. I'm sorry she is suffering.

Society needs to engage with end of life for people whose quality of life has gone

Agree. How can it be more ethical to drag out a person's suffering, sometimes for years, than giving them a peaceful, dignified ending.

My gran didn't have dementia but she did give up on life. She'd sit in a chair all day and do nothing. No reading, no watching tv, no conversation. It was horrible as she was so active for so long.
It was a relief when she does because that was what she wanted and at last she was free from pain.

YANBU. Or heartless, it's a strange feeling isn't it but most people get it. My GM wasted away in hospital, infection after infection, had not a clue who we were and in pain constantly. Death was the kindest thing, I hope when I'm at that stage I pass quickly, for me and my family.

YANBU.
My DGM doesn’t recognise her own children anymore, never mind her GC. She was always such a strong, independent woman. Now she is a shell. Before she lost too much she herself said she just wanted to die.
I’m already grieving for the DGM I’ve lost and she hasn’t even died yet.
thank you for posting, and for all pp sharing, I fell less of a cow wishing for she could be out of her painful, confusing misery.

You don't sound heartless at all. It is incredibly hard to watch someone we care for deteriorate.

I used to work at a vets. We are able to choose a time for death for our pets, to spare them pain and suffering; I hope one day we can do the same for the humans we love too.

My mother is just starting to show signs of this and has periods when she is very hostile. It's like a punch in the gut when you are only demonstrating that you care. My brothers don't get the same response from her, but they are just doing rather than caring if that makes sense. I know that I need to re-frame our relationship so that it doesn't cut me to the core.

It's so hard when you knew a strong and capable person and suddenly all that is gone. I totally get where you're coming from and have no doubt that I will feel the same later on. Sorry that you and so many others are being touched by this awful disease. Be kind to yourself.

You're not alone.

My grandfather died last year of dementia, my grandmother was going to church to pray he was dead when she got home, and prayed every night he'd died in his sleep.

I regularly asked why we were giving him IV antibiotics when he had a DNR and had been told no antibiotics past what the GP would agreed to given he was bed bound, immobile, doubly incontinent and appeared to have no joy or quality of life. He had been incredibly intelligent, and to see him like that...

I did most of my grieving before he died as when he died it wasn't him. He had gone about 3 years previously

Over 400 votes, 100% saying you’re not heartless 💕🌷

You clearly love her and want what’s best for her.

It’s very true that we put humans through far more suffering than we do our pets. It’s a shame humans can’t be trusted to do what’s best for people suffering.

Another one who has been there too, 3 times now & it’s so hard.

Be prepared for the mixed feelings when she does go though, despite knowing its for the best your heart can take a while to catch up with your head xx

@BorneoBabe I cannot dispute that strongly enough. That would be illegal and it absolutely is not done.

Because it is illegal does not mean that it isn't still done. Morphine may kill pain but also shorten life and the boundary can be unclear. Of course, it won't be admitted.

You are not heartless at all, OP.

Sometimes our relentless push to cure this and save people from that as old age advances is not the best use of our medical expertise.

We should learn to fear death less than we do in the face of things like dementia. My mother is suffering (really suffering) with Alzheimer’s. She tells me she has had enough and is afraid of what is to come as the disease progresses. It is so cruel.