To hope she dies?

[soulasylum]

OK this is going to sound awful and I'm expecting some of you to condemn me for this.

My nan has been in a care home for the past 18 months. Dementia has taken hold - she is a shell of the woman she once was. Multiple heart attacks, struck down with pneumonia last year, and still she pulls through.

Now this woman is a huge part of my life. I love her dearly and cherish her. She was a second mum to me growing up. She was clean, tidy, intelligent. Survived WW2 and her husband dying young. An incredible, strong woman all around.

To see her like this it's...heartbreaking.

I want her to fall asleep tonight and not wake up tomorrow. I want her to be at peace. I want her to be free, from medication and the care home and the fear of another heart attack or bout of illness.

I sound heartless, I know I do. Please tell me there are others of you out there, who have been through this and can understand my feelings.

It's an awful time.

I’ll never forget holding my grandad’s hand - so gently because any touch was painful - and telling him that it was ok to go. I told him how much we’d miss him and his mischievous ways, but he didn’t need to stay. His body was breaking down, he was so incredibly stiff, but the cantankerous old bugger would not give in!

It really doesn't sound awful. Me and my sister sat by my dad's bed nearly a year ago wishing the same thing and we have missed him every day since.

My dh's dad died a painful death from cancer and his was not a peaceful passing. However, my dh said to me that whilst terrible, nothing but nothing could ever be as bad as watching my dm wasting away to a skeletal shell from dementia. She made this high pitched singing and shrieking noise and it was awful. She would also strike me and tell me how ugly I was whilst she still had her voice. Whilst this may upset some posters, it is the sad reality for sufferers and their families.

For some reason my brother had insisted on resuscitation if she went into cardiac arrest - by now she now weighed around 4 1/2 stone. My dd and I were called in by the nursing staff to query the decision and we asked that it was reversed and DNR substituted. We took the view it would be cruel and unreasonable to carry on.

She deserved her peace. You have nothing to feel guilty for op, you just want her to have release.

I watched my wonderful mum fade away with an awful illness and she was utterly, utterly miserable. I saw it on her face.
When she died I felt huge relief.

My Nan died from dementia last year. I completely understand how you feel. You wouldn’t let an animal suffer the way she suffered. It was so undignified for her at the end, it was heartbreaking. Such a relief when she was finally at peace.

I just wanted to say that I understand exactly what you are going through. My gran brought me up after my mother died when I was 10. She was an amazing woman saw through both wars and also losing her husband.

Whilst I was very sad when she died, I also felt relief for her. She would often say how she had had enough, that the only thing keeping her going was family and her sense of humour, she had a wicked one. Well of course alzheimers stripped her of that.

Sending love

I did this last year with my Mom she entered end of life care this time last year, dreaded the phone call saying she had passed/ we need to get to the hospital asap etc. 12 months later she is still with us ( her stress levels are through the roof with social services and their policies, a whole different story, I know but disgusting to a terminally ill lady)

I know how you feel seeing a loved one diminishing before you is hell but do you want to see them suffer more than necessary

I grew up with my great grandmother, but she was more a mother to me in every sense of the word. I loved her more than anyone in the world.

She was 95 when she passed and for years she would get so sad at night and tell me how much she's ready to go. She had lived such a long and full life, also lost her husband young. Raised lots of children and grandchildren (and us great grandchildren!). She survived heart attacks, strokes, pneumonia, you name it.

At 95 they found breast cancer... she was relieved, she didn't want any treatment. She wanted to go.

Although i was heartbroken when she died (the week before my birthday while i was pregnant) i knew that she was truly happy that she fell asleep and didn't wake back up.

YANBU

It’s so sad. You aren’t heartless it’s awful seeing your loved ones go through this. It happened with my Gran. I always remember her saying she wanted her Mummy when she was delirious. It really upset me as she was orphaned as a young girl & never really got over the death of her mum. In the end she passed peacefully when we were all there. Obviously devastating but there was a sense of relief too. Sending love to you & your family x

YANBU....we have been dealing with the same thing....my Grandad has had dementia for around 10 years and diagnosed with kidney disease 3 years ago, he went into a care home then. Hes been gradually fading away, the last few weeks hes been on morphine until yesterday morning he passed away. Its incredibly sad but also such a relief that hes not suffering anymore.

I felt exactly the same about my great aunt. It was a huge relief to us all when she finally passed at 91 after fighting it for many years.

This must be so difficult for you to cope with, and there's nothing wrong with feeling how you do.
Sometimes it's a blessing when someone dies, and this is one of those times.
Please don't feel hard on yourself, try to hold on to your good memories.

Not heartless. Horrible seeing loved ones suffer

If they were a pet they could be put down

Op anyone with a heart would feel the same,
My lovely grandpa got dementia and I was glad he died relatively quickly after it took hold. He would have hated living like that, hugs x

I actually think it's why we grow so old as humans, so that we lose the need for survival and actually want to die, then we aren't so distressed when it comes (ish)

Oh bless you a year and half ago I could have wrote this exact post you have written now. My grandma was 96 when she passed in October 2018. She too was incredibly poorly, dementia had taken a firm hold and she hadn't recognised anyone for many years. She was in and out of hospital and I used to think about all the tough things she had endured throughout her life and I would plead to a god I don't believe in that she would finally be given a break and her suffering would end. I used to feel awful for thinking that but I couldn't stand to see her in such a state. When I found out she had passed I was devastated but relieved too. I miss her every single day but i'm comforted by the fact she is now at peace. Such a wonderful lady didn't deserve to suffer any longer. Please don't feel bad for feeling how you are feeling. Sending lots of love to you

You're not a monster and you're not awful, quite the opposite. You want her to he at peace, not how she is now.

No advice, just a hug

Who voted YABU??

I understand. My Nana, my only relative, was dying as I was pregnant with her great grandchild and was desperate for her to live long enough to see a photo of him. She didn't but while she died at the lower end of her prognosis it was the best thing for her. If she'd been a dog she would have been put out of her misery before.

Take care of yourself.

You are quite the reverse of heartless.

To be practical, is there a DNR in place?

You are not heartless and I understand...... there are things worse than death.

I hope your man soon had a peaceful passing.

Jesus I'm sorry nan not man

no, you are not heartless - just the opposite as you want the suffering to end. Refusing a peaceful end is heartless and that is what our current law does. Aided and abetted by the MPs who vote down assisted dying and the evil campaigners who work against it.

We will all die. We all deserve a painless peaceful death when the time is right. We all deserve the choice to decide when that will be - or of course to continue as long as possible if we prefer.

I've seen quite a lot of dementia recently and what strikes me is the fear that these people go through. I never want to have to go through that. I have an advance directive but I'm not sure it will do anything under our current law.

as the Dignity in Dying campaign point out, there are limits to what medicine and palliative care can do and so there is suffering. Here's hoping.

I wish peace for your nan and for all those suffering. And all who have to watch.

You're not heartless. We feel the same with our mum who is in the same position.

My mum's care home GP called me a few months ago to discuss if we wanted a DNR (do not resuscitate) order placed on her file as she has had a heart attack in the past. After a lot of discussion we decided to do exactly that and the GP sorted it out. At least, that way, if she does have a heart attack again she won't be helped. At her last one she said she didn't remember anything from saying she felt unwell to waking up in the back of the ambulance - they'd worked on her with paddles during that time. That's bringing us comfort that, when she goes, she may not know or feel any pain.

It's an awful disease - I remember my mil being very scared at one point with her dementia when she thought she was a little girl again and the Blitz bombs were dropping. Awful.

Of course YANBU. However, you might feel better if you rephrase it as "To hope that she is at peace soon". In reality it means the same thing because what you want is her suffering to stop and, unfortunately, that can only occur with her death.