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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hope she dies?

278 replies

soulasylum · 12/01/2020 17:03

OK this is going to sound awful and I'm expecting some of you to condemn me for this.

My nan has been in a care home for the past 18 months. Dementia has taken hold - she is a shell of the woman she once was. Multiple heart attacks, struck down with pneumonia last year, and still she pulls through.

Now this woman is a huge part of my life. I love her dearly and cherish her. She was a second mum to me growing up. She was clean, tidy, intelligent. Survived WW2 and her husband dying young. An incredible, strong woman all around.

To see her like this it's...heartbreaking.

I want her to fall asleep tonight and not wake up tomorrow. I want her to be at peace. I want her to be free, from medication and the care home and the fear of another heart attack or bout of illness.

I sound heartless, I know I do. Please tell me there are others of you out there, who have been through this and can understand my feelings.

It's an awful time.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 12/01/2020 17:12

Are they still resuscitating/treating her? My GM and Mother were able to still decide on DNR. I have another relative who managed to make a living will before dementia fully took hold and they won't be coming out of hospital.

Anyone whose been in this position knows exactly where you are coming from.

GhostHoward · 12/01/2020 17:12

I desperately want my grandmother to die too. It was unbearable over Christmas trying to comfort her and take care of her toileting needs. She's in a care home just down the road from my father. We have a wheelchair and compatible car, so she came to us and it was just too much for her..it's slowly been getting worse and worse over the year. She's no longer herself anymore. She's confused and helpless, and doesn't enjoy living. I help all I can, but it's exhausting. I love her more than anything, which is why I think death would be kinder to her now.

Cherrysoup · 12/01/2020 17:12

My mil is in the same position. I cried my eyes out last time we visited, really silly things like someone had painted her nails bright red and she’d have been horrified at that. It’s a very difficult situation. Dementia is an appalling disease.

Fairylea · 12/01/2020 17:12

Of course you’re not heartless. Anyone who has experience of this type of situation will completely understand as well as others with good empathy.

My mum died of bowel cancer in March. She spent her last few weeks in a hospice / nursing home and the last couple of days she had left she was suffering so badly I sat by her bed and prayed (silently) that she would die - I’m not normally religious at all. I just desperately wanted it all to end for her. Seeing someone suffer so much is horrendous even if they aren’t close to you, it’s so much worse when they are.

Flowers
EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 12/01/2020 17:12

I felt the same when there was no hope left for my beloved Granny's cancer fight and she was just tremendously ill and in pain and frightened and clinging to life.

I stopped praying for her to live, and started praying for her suffering to end.

It devastates me now even thinking about it.

YANBU Thanks

LadyLightning · 12/01/2020 17:14

Guess the result speaks for itself. We dont allow animals to suffer but are happy to let humans struggle on. Be kind to yourself, this is a horrible situation to be in.

KellyHall · 12/01/2020 17:14

You'd be unreasonable to want her to continue as she is.

It was a huge relief for all of us when my Grandma passed and was no longer suffering.

CoffeeAndCarbs · 12/01/2020 17:15

Not heartless at all. In fact, the exact opposite! You're considering your Grandmother's comfort ahead of your own grief ❤️ x

katewhinesalot · 12/01/2020 17:18

Absolutely understandable.
Flowers

BorneoBabe · 12/01/2020 17:19

My aunt was a nurse many years ago and she said the doctors used to use morphine to 'speed things up'.

ilovesooty · 12/01/2020 17:19

No you're not heartless.

EndoplasmicReticulum · 12/01/2020 17:19

My Granny was the same. The person who she was, had died two years before her body finally gave up.

Tellingitlikeitisnt · 12/01/2020 17:20

You aren’t being cruel or heartless and you clearly love your nan deeply.

It’s is distressing to watch someone very elderly lose the essence of what makes them the person we know and admire.

And it is absolutely worth speaking to the GP to ensure that your Nan has no heroics performed if she gets an infection again- talk about a Respect form, especially if your Nan ever gave you an idea of what life she would and wouldn’t want, and an agreement can be reached to just keep her comfortable and not transfer to hospital or provide antibiotics etc. And certainly not for CPR (I’d hope that had been done already?)

But given we don’t have a choice in when death occurs I do think it helps to try and see what we can all do to make the life that is left the best it can be.

Even the severely demented may have moments of clarity or recognition to a certain piece of music or poetry or touch or smell. Those moments can be so precious.

It may help you lose the feeling of her simply enduring the time she has and wishing they end?

The Alzheimer’s society has lots of ideas.

Be kind to yourself. Wanting the best for someone we love doesn’t mean life at all costs. But it does mean doing all we can until that time comes to seek even momentary joy.

mummyh2016 · 12/01/2020 17:20

We lost my Nan 4 months ago, she had been suffering with dementia. I felt like a monster as I didn't cry when she passed, and still haven't now. With dementia you lose your loved one a long time before they pass away, I did my grieving a long time ago.

bobsyourauntie · 12/01/2020 17:22

I won't condemn you. My Gran died last year, she spent the last month of her life in hospital against her wishes due to a blood clot. I had to persuade her to go in or she would have lost her leg, but she was 93 and never left the house so really didn't want to go in.

Once in hospital, she refused to eat and got frailer and frailer. In the end you just wish them away quickly , so that they don't have to suffer any more.

That is not callous, it is caring x

bobsyourauntie · 12/01/2020 17:23

*when I say persuaded her to go in, I mean that the alternative of staying at home untreated and dying a slow painful death due to the blood clot was much more agonising than going into hospital hopefully temporarily and then maybe going home again. Sadly that didn't happen for her.

DukeChatsworth · 12/01/2020 17:23

Living is not life at all costs. When living ends sometimes death is a kindness.

I felt the same way for both my parents at the end. Suffering ended and I was glad of that part for them at least.

Tellingitlikeitisnt · 12/01/2020 17:23

@BorneoBabe I cannot dispute that strongly enough
That would be illegal and it absolutely is not done.

Morphine is an analgesic used to alleviate pain often at end of life along with various other drugs for the other symptoms that can occur like agitation and restlessness, nausea and vomiting etc. It is not used with the aim of hastening death.
Death will occur as the end point of the natural process and good palliative care is aimed at relieving suffering during the dying process. (And at much earlier stages in anyone with a life limiting illness to improve the quality of the life they have left)

It is comments like that cause fear in patients who need morphine to help their pain. Please don’t contribute to that fear.

Ginfordinner · 12/01/2020 17:24

We walked in your shoes last year. MIL had advanced alzheimers and was in a care home. When she broke her hip I knew it was the beginning of the end. The last few times we saw her were just awful. I am so pleased we saw her only a few days before she died, and that she knew that she knew DH even though she couldn't remember who he was.

I hope your nan finds peace soon Flowers

MikeUniformMike · 12/01/2020 17:25

I felt the same when my grandmother was in a nursing home. She didn't have dementia, but she was like a shell. Heartbreaking to visit her and have her ask 'Why are they keeping me alive?'.

Dollymixture22 · 12/01/2020 17:26

This one made me cry. I totally understand the guilt of his situation. I have been there and it was just heartbreaking.

My gran recognised me for the first time in about three years the week before she died. I don’t think I will ever forget it.

But yes, I was glad her suffering was over. We had been grieving for her for about five years. She had a good life but outlived her siblings, husband and one of her children. So much grief and suffering in the later part of her life. Then this cruel illness.

stairway · 12/01/2020 17:26

My Nan is 100 and I wish the same for her. If she becomes ill she won’t be going to hospital. She still clings in though she is just skin and bones and no quality of life.

TeeniefaeTinseltoon · 12/01/2020 17:27

My granny was the same, it was sad but a blessing when she died. You're not heartless x

ChardonnaysDistantCousin · 12/01/2020 17:28

It's awful when that happens.
It would be kinder if people could just go gently when they are at this stage.

MrsJBaptiste · 12/01/2020 17:28

Well 228 votes agree with you OP, not one YABU.
It's heartbreaking to see someone you love like that 😓