AIBU to drop friend' caught fibbing.

[othervoicesotherrooms]

Friend (A) of many years has been caring for one of her parents & has understandably found it harder to meet up or be in contact regularly. Or so I thought.

I let her know that I was free to meet up if she had any time off : coffee, lunch, cinema whatever but accepted that she was busy.
Didn't see friend (A) at all over Christmas or new year.

I have just found out from another friend (B) that (A) has actually been out and about many times with a group of women (B) socialises with.

(Friend (A ) doesn't know that I know friend B)

(A) has just messaged me to ask if I'd like to meet up as 'she could do with a break from the relentlessness' (of looking after her parent). She said she is sorry it's been so long but she hasn't had a minute to herself over Xmas/new year.

I'm tempted to ignore. WIBU? WWYD?

Bloody hell. You don’t own her, she’s allowed to meet up with other friends.

Pretty spiteful to drop someone caring for a parent because you weren't their next priority.

I wouldn't ignore. I'd be tempted to say "Oh really? B told me you'd been quite sociable over Christmas with her and X, Y and Z..." and wait to see what she says.

It's shit when people are sly like that.

Winter I think OP's more bothered that the friend has intimated she's too busy caring to socialise rather than just say she didn't fancy meeting up or whatever.

Wintersnowdrop

The OP clearly doesn’t think that and is obviously just put out over such a pointless lie.

Personally OP I couldn’t be arsed with that and I probably wouldn’t reply.

Don’t be the jealous friend. She’s having a tough time if she’s a carer and if she had a few outings over Christmas then that’s good, surely?

And from that wording she hasn’t lied to you and it implies that she knows you’d not be happy that she’s socialised with other friends. Ask after them in a nice way and show her it’s great that she still has some outlets from the drudge of the rest of her life.

It wouldn't bother me that she'd met up with other people and not me,
It would bother me that she'd lied about it.

YABVU. None of what you’ve said suggests she’s lying in any way. So she’s seen some other friends over the holidays. She may have obligations to them, feel closer to them or have been able to get some relief.

She hasn’t treated you badly and wants to meet up. Why do people always make things about themselves?

Don't ignore her, give her the benefit of the doubt... she's reached out to you & may tell you about it when you meet up.

winter
She can meet up with whoever she likes. Obviously!
What she can't do is bullshit me inti feeling sorry for her for 'being stuck in all Christmas/New year looking after her sick parent.' when this is not true.

You don’t know that’s not true. Speak to her.

"Oh, I thought things must have been getting a little easier since you've been out and about with X,Y and Z over the last few weeks"

If they have a regular arrangement it might have been easier to schedule that in

She might have found it easier to cope in a group situation than one on one

Does it really matter? Your friend has been having a tough time but clearly still values your friendship and wants to see you

Sometimes though it's so much easier to pop out to the pub with friends you see very regularly just for an hour rather than someone you see less regularly and have to have a proper catch up which needs longer than an hour.

Perhaps she sees the other friends more regularly for short periods but wants to allocate a whole evening to catch up with you.

And perhaps she doesn't want to have to explain this or anything else to you and so a little fib would be easier so as not to hurt your feelings.

Its not spiteful, its fcking weird that the friend is lying and being so duplicitous. Pretending you're slaving away looking after infirm parents when you're actually out partying is ODD behaviour.

OP- I'd step back from this friendship, she sounds manipulative. It sounds like she wants to garner sympathy from everyone and she's willing to lie to get it. Why not just say "ive been busy over Christmas"? there's no need for her to embellish being some kind of cinderella figure is there? think about why she would do that. What is she getting out of it?

I'd pull back, she clearly wants space from you so give it to her. Let her rely on these party friends if they're so close.

I’d give it a go. Meet up. She may well tell you about the outings with B and other friends and you can feel happy that she has had a life outside caring. If she doesn’t and makes out she has been caring with no breaks then you have more right to step back and gauge future meet ups after that.

I would still meet her and see how she is with you. If she's still a good friend then no reason to drop her. Just don't give more of yourself than you can afford (time wise).

Does she usually have a large group of friends? If not, maybe it was the novelty of being with a group that she enjoyed?

We've all told the odd white lie about being busy when actually in PJs slobbing on sofa

Bigus
All plausible explanations! She has not know this group of women long.

(B) and I were chatting and she said that she'd seen (A) several times over Christmas. I said I hadn't as (A) was busy looking after her parent and it was difficult to get out.
(B) was very surprised I thought this.

I wouldn't ignore but I'd go with @saraclara reply...

Oh, I thought things must have been getting a little easier since you've been out and about with X,Y and Z over the last few weeks

I don't like liars and it obviously hasn't been "relentless" for her. She makes it sound like she hasn't left the parents side.

I would catch up with your friend, and casualty mention that b had said they were out a few times "with you, x, y and z", and you're glad they managed to get a break from their caring responsibilities if only for a few hours at a time.

othervoices
The issue is whether she is /or plans to lie to you to manipulate you. Not that she was busy (whether as a carer or as someone with other things on including going out)

So just meet up and see what she says.
If she lies about never going out etc, then you have an easy reply 'oh B said you d gone out few times with them, I was glad to hear rather than that you'd been stuck in all the time, given you're a full time carer' (to show it's the lie that isn't ok, not the being too busy)

Then depending on how much she's lied/ your spider sense, you'll have your answer as to whether she is worth bothering with in future. .

She makes it sound like she hasn't left the parents side.

This is what is upsetting me!

We all live different lives and are in no way possessive of each other!

OP is obviously not pissed off purely because friend socialised with other friends. Do some people on here miss the point deliberately just so they can have a go at the OP?

Personally, I wouldn't be too quick to take B at her word. Maybe B is mistaken about just how many times A has been out, or maybe there's just more to the story and A will be completely open about it when you meet up, as Brighton said. I bet caring feels utterly relentless even if you do manage to get out a few times, that may be all A meant.

If A really starts laying it on thick ('Oh, I would have loved to see you but I literally haven't been out of the house for the past 6 months etc') and you're confident B's info is reliable, I'd innocently drop that into the conversation.

WillLok
I will do exactly this. Thank you!

Jesus
B is reliable. She was there each time! It's quite a big group!
B doesn't know A to chat to one:one though!