AIBU to drop friend' caught fibbing.

[othervoicesotherrooms]

Friend (A) of many years has been caring for one of her parents & has understandably found it harder to meet up or be in contact regularly. Or so I thought.

I let her know that I was free to meet up if she had any time off : coffee, lunch, cinema whatever but accepted that she was busy.
Didn't see friend (A) at all over Christmas or new year.

I have just found out from another friend (B) that (A) has actually been out and about many times with a group of women (B) socialises with.

(Friend (A ) doesn't know that I know friend B)

(A) has just messaged me to ask if I'd like to meet up as 'she could do with a break from the relentlessness' (of looking after her parent). She said she is sorry it's been so long but she hasn't had a minute to herself over Xmas/new year.

I'm tempted to ignore. WIBU? WWYD?

Those who condemn the lie should remember how often telling one is offered as a solution to a social or work problem in this forum!

othervoicesotherrooms
You don't own her, she's asked to meet up, instead of asking the opinion of this group in such a public way, why don't you politely ask her? You've already decided she's bull shi**ing you, to use your turn of phrase.
I'm not a fan of fibbing friends but we all do it! It's not hate crime.

Sorry with your attitude I’m not surprised she even wants to be friends!

Is there any possibility that your friend (B) is talking about another person and not friend (A). Just a thought.

Sounds like friend B is a shit stirrer to be honest. Where had she seen your friend? Popping to the shops or the chemist or something? Was she with the group your friend has been out with or has she ‘just been told’? The old Chinese whispers!

I would totally give your friend the benefit of the doubt. It’s not worth losing a long standing friendship over this.

I've had a couple of these 'tea & sympathy' friends OP, and then I've been forgotten about for the other more fun social events.

It's a hurtful realisation when it becomes all too clear you're only wanted when they need a whinge and a whine and to have someone prop them up during their hard times, but are rarely available any other time. Its very self-centered.

No, the OP doesn't own her friend, she never even suggested she did. But it sounds like a very one-way friendship, with the friend telling lies (saying she hasn't been out all xmas/new year, when she has) to ensure these sympathy meet-ups keep happening at her own convenience, when she's not too busy elsewhere. Not sure why the OP is seen as the bad guy to many pp's here.

I'd faze her out OP, as it seems you've already drifted apart to an extent where you're only needed as-and-when she wants someone to feel sorry for her.

This wouldn't bother me in the slightest - she's your friend, not your partner! Just meet up, catch up, and don't spend so much time worrying about what she did over Christmas. A drama about nothing!

I think she didn't tell you about her socialising with other friends and made out she's been constantly tied up with her parents, because she knows you would be offended. What she does in her spare time is her business, not yours.
If you expect someone to disclose everything, try to be someone who can cope with them not including you with their other friends.

However, I have come to the conclusion that she just wants me for tea & sympathy. She'll have fun elsewhere, with others it seems

You're not her emotional dumpster, cheeky cow!

Slow fade OP.

Some people don't read the thread do they?

You're hard work. Barely two weeks into the new year - and you're bitching because she prioritised a different group of friends rather than you. Could be any number of reasons - they'd already booked something - her husband/kids get on with theirs - she only had to drop into a party to show her face for half an hour - or she just bloody preferred seeing them to seeing you. So, no, she hasn't had a minute to herself, she's been doing other stuff - she hasn't even claimed that she was looking after parents, just that she was busy.
Grow up!

Onemore
This is how I feel! Yes!

@katy1213 - well said. OP you do sound like very hard work, and yes, grow up!

Katy
RTFT

outfoxed
I'm really sorry you've had a shit time. It sounds like you've had it tough.
However, What you describe is not what has happened here.

On the balance of probabilities OP I think she does see you as a tea and sympathy friend. TBH I wouldn't bother with her much any more.

And no you don't sound like a flaming stalker. Especially as you didn't even search out the info, it was told to you by a third party. As said previously, there's a lot of projection on this thread.

OP, you sound quite normal to me, crack on.

Bloody hell! This place is bloody vicious😳. It comes across that this girl is hurting by her friends actions and rather than a sisterhood offering support, she is having some horrible things thrown at her and how we shouldn’t expect anything from friendship! I think we should all step back for a moment and think how it would feel if someone you thought a lot of did that to you.
I hope in time OP you find, or indeed have friends, who you feel you do not make you question yourself. Trust your gut and do what you feel is right, it is telling you for a reason.

Gosh op. YANBU to be put out. You’ve made a choice not to discuss her outings with B, which I understand. But perhaps you didn’t get the full picture because of the decision.

Little
I'm ok about it all honestly!

I've been trying to figure out how people have come to the conclusions they have based on what I have written though!
It's all a bit odd!

Mummy
You have a point there!

But you find out who has got your back during times like that. I'm still reeling that somebody I spent hundreds and hundreds of hours counselling about her drama, saw every week, did hours of unpaid work for her company and who I had always felt it was mutual,... couldn't be arsed to even send a text in the 6 months that I was missing at home ill. Still hasn't been arsed 9 months later. Whereas others, people who have really surprised me, have totally stepped up.

But surely the OP is on this side of this situation. She's spent hours listening to her friend's woes, providing tea and sympathy while she has been caring for her parents, and the friend has barely bothered to get in touch until she wants a shoulder to cry on.

People go through awful times and they get overwhelmed by them, but that doesn't mean that everyone else in their lives has endless supplies of resilient friendship that can withstand being ignored and used as a sounding board without ever being prioritized for a night of fun. The assumption seems to be that those with caring responsibilities don't get in touch because they are having such a hard time, but their friends can only be failing to get in touch because they're selfish and don't give a shit.

It's easy to get lost in a bubble when you're caring for others, but not everyone has the capacity to keep on giving even when they aren't getting anything back, especially when they are going through their own stuff. One person in a friendship having a tough time doesn't preclude the other one from finding things difficult as well.

@othervoicesotherrooms thank you - if I were to list it all out on here what happened that affected me in 2019 it would look like it was a made up list, it was fairly relentless!

However, What you describe is not what has happened here.

In what way? I mean, my situation was multiple things and this friend's seems like one, but one of my things was caring for a parent and that was bloody tough. Its only as I emerge that I realise just how fucked up my mental health was about it. I'm a pretty resilient person, but, yeah.

I saw very few friends. I ignored or declined invites to see others, made my excuses. Others didn't get in touch. It's similar enough to make a comparison, no?

Sure friend B is not exaggerating?

I'd cut her some slack if you can, kind start to 2020 etc. She has, after all, asked you to meet up now. We all exaggerate occasionally about how difficult something is, how hard we work etc etc.