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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to drop friend' caught fibbing.

236 replies

othervoicesotherrooms · 12/01/2020 09:59

Friend (A) of many years has been caring for one of her parents & has understandably found it harder to meet up or be in contact regularly. Or so I thought.

I let her know that I was free to meet up if she had any time off : coffee, lunch, cinema whatever but accepted that she was busy.
Didn't see friend (A) at all over Christmas or new year.

I have just found out from another friend (B) that (A) has actually been out and about many times with a group of women (B) socialises with.

(Friend (A ) doesn't know that I know friend B)

(A) has just messaged me to ask if I'd like to meet up as 'she could do with a break from the relentlessness' (of looking after her parent). She said she is sorry it's been so long but she hasn't had a minute to herself over Xmas/new year.

I'm tempted to ignore. WIBU? WWYD?

OP posts:
letmebefrank · 12/01/2020 11:38

It's the lie that would bother me. And I'd ask do as others have suggested and tell her you were surprised because you'd heard she'd been out and about with other friends on a number of social occasions, as carers should as they need breaks, and you'd assumed her parent was doing better.

CaptainCabinets · 12/01/2020 11:40

@beautifulstranger101

Oh I’m not for a second saying that OP is anything like her! But that’s how it started for me, so I’m just offering my experience. Smile

beautifulstranger101 · 12/01/2020 11:41

Oh I’m not for a second saying that OP is anything like her! But that’s how it started for me, so I’m just offering my experience

I'm sorry you've had such an awful experience- your friend sounds horrible. Could you sort of fade her out gently, so she doesnt notice and doesnt flip out?

TitianaTitsling · 12/01/2020 11:45

If you're with a group and you only want to stay 30 mins/1 hr because you're knackered or the person you care for needs you back there's not the guilt at leaving everyone as their night can go on, but if you are out with only one person and you need to leave then really that's the night over for them isn't it?

teaandcake246 · 12/01/2020 11:52

Your past experience of this friend may be a good guide as to why her text to you was misleading. Is she someone with a tendency to seek lots of sympathy? (The kind of person who is always having some drama and presenting themself as the victim?) If not, chances are that it was out of politeness that she made it sound as if she’s not had any chance to go out. (It sounds as though you actually would not have minded that she’d been out with other people, as you sound perfectly normal and reasonable, but she may have been concerned that you would mind. As PPs have said, stressful situations can make people anxious.)

lovemenorca · 12/01/2020 11:52

I have a wide group of friends
Some very close - I prioritise meeting with
Some less close - I don’t prioritise Meeting with them but enjoy their company and certainly love getting together with them when I can

velourvoyageur · 12/01/2020 11:52

She hasn’t had a moment spare because she’s been caring and being sociable - where’s the fib? 🤔 she doesn’t owe you frequent meetups so no need to reproach her for prioritising others.
Plus she likely isn’t the one who decides when the group meets up and so feels like she has to join every time for fomo/fear of being left behind, leaving less time to schedule stuff with more flexible friendships.
It never ceases to amaze me on MN how people feel justified in feeling hard done by because they get the sense that someone doesn’t like them as much as they like that person (not saying this is the case with your friend OP). It hurts a lot, it happens to everyone, but it’s not their problem!
And would you rather a white lie (not that this is one) or to have her spell out what you don‘t want to hear?

If I got a message back saying essentially ‚well I noticed you had time for other people’ I’d back right off tbh, please don‘t send that!

SquashedFlyBiscuit · 12/01/2020 11:54

I agree with velour, i dont see the fib. I think "catching her out" when shes a carer and exhausted is just mean.

SquashedFlyBiscuit · 12/01/2020 11:54

Just go and have a fab time with her, dont keep needling to find out if youre her bestest friend or not. Listen.

teaandcake246 · 12/01/2020 11:56

Rereading the OP, I can see what velour means - there’s actually no fib.

Aridane · 12/01/2020 11:59

Its not spiteful, its fcking weird that the friend is lying and being so duplicitous. Pretending you're slaving away looking after infirm parents when you're actually out partying is ODD behaviour.

Not really how I read the post.

As many other posters say, easier to take a quick break from duties with a quick visit down the pub etc than a full on 1:1 catch up.

And I sometimes say I’m not free when technically I am so I have some time to decompress rather than say It prefer to do nothing rather than see you’

Aridane · 12/01/2020 11:59

And what lying is there anyway - at least not as regards the caring!

itsgettingweird · 12/01/2020 12:09

It's a hard one.

She probably is feeling the relentlessness of caring responsibilities. She probably feels she doesn't get as much time to socialise as she wants and that's what's translated into what she says.

But I think the fact she's made contact and asked to meet shows she does value your friendship and does want to make time for it.

You could always ask her what she did over Christmas when you meet. If she says cared everyday and didn't see anyone you can gently challenge "oh but x said you did a b and c". Then decide if you think she's genuinely picking you up and dropping you as convenient or not and what you want to do from there.

Oliversmumsarmy · 12/01/2020 12:14

Technically I don’t think she did lie.

All she said was about caring for her parents which she is and she didn’t have a minute which is true

LagunaBubbles · 12/01/2020 12:17

Go and see whst she says.

Crystal87 · 12/01/2020 12:39

I'd give her the benefit of the doubt this time, but if she continues to be flaky with you but meeting up with others then I'd drop her.

beautifulstranger101 · 12/01/2020 12:57

It never ceases to amaze me on MN how people feel justified in feeling hard done by because they get the sense that someone doesn’t like them as much as they like that person (not saying this is the case with your friend OP). It hurts a lot, it happens to everyone, but it’s not their problem!
And would you rather a white lie (not that this is one) or to have her spell out what you don‘t want to hear?

I wouldnt be upset that someone "didnt like me" as much as I liked them, what I would be upset about is a friend I have made a consistent effort to be there for and support during hard times lying to me. Of course it isn't "their problem" but if you are relying hard on a friend when things are tough and then as soon as things get easier you drop them like a hot potato of course thats going to be hurtful- anyone would find that to be hurtful, thats not unreasonable to be hurt by that. There have been lots of threads on here where someone has been consistently excluded from a group of friends and the general consensus hasn't been "well suck it up- maybe they just dont like you that much!" its been more "find other friends who truly care about you".

And would you rather a white lie (not that this is one) or to have her spell out what you don‘t want to hear?

Well I guess I'm weird then because I would far rather friends be honest with me- eg "I'm sorry, I just dont have the time to meet up right now and I have other friends whom I'm closer to and need to prioritise at the moment".
I'd far rather know exactly where I stand than be lied to and patronised that I am cared about when actually they could give a fck.

beautifulstranger101 · 12/01/2020 12:58

couldnt

Urkiddingright · 12/01/2020 13:03

This is so creepy and controlling. She’s allowed to spend her free time however she pleases, this time she chose to spend it with someone other than you.

thekaiserswife · 12/01/2020 13:06

Pretty spiteful to drop someone caring for a parent because you weren't their next priority

^^ this with bells on

grow up OP you're not in high school

AtrociousCircumstance · 12/01/2020 13:11

Creepier to lie and suggest you haven’t been out at all. That’s what the OP finds weird - the lie.

Original poster
othervoicesotherrooms · 12/01/2020 13:13

Very interesting reading these posts!
Lots of projecting going on!!

I'm off now! Will update later.

OP posts:
TigerOnATrain · 12/01/2020 13:21

@othervoicesotherrooms Yep, LOTS of projecting on here!

TigerOnAtrain · 12/01/2020 13:22

@othervoicesotherrooms Yep, LOTS of projecting on here!.

TigerOnATrain · 12/01/2020 13:22

@othervoicesotherrooms

I am actually on your side, and think it stinks. Some people are saying 'how mean to drop a friend who has been caring for a sick parent,' but she hasn't has she? Well, not as much as she was having you think. Hmm

I would be giving her a wide berth tbh, and putting off meeting her... Well, it's good enough for HER to keep mugging off her friend, (and usually in favour of others!) So see how she likes it.

I don't take too kindly to being treated like a mug by users and chancers. Her group of friends has probably started seeing her less, and she is using YOU to go out with. (Or attempting to.)

She's not only a user, but a liar as well.

Fuck her off. You deserve better.

@MaeveDidIt

Just drop it and chill out.
Looking after a sick parent can be relentless. Fgs cut her some slack. Are you Miss Bloody Perfect? With your attitude I'm surprised you've got any friends.

Did you even bother reading the original post, or ANY of the OP's posts at ALL? That goes to @howabout and several others!

Or did you just come on here to have a dig and a swipe at her?!

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