AIBU to drop friend' caught fibbing.

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Friend (A) of many years has been caring for one of her parents & has understandably found it harder to meet up or be in contact regularly. Or so I thought.

I let her know that I was free to meet up if she had any time off : coffee, lunch, cinema whatever but accepted that she was busy.
Didn't see friend (A) at all over Christmas or new year.

I have just found out from another friend (B) that (A) has actually been out and about many times with a group of women (B) socialises with.

(Friend (A ) doesn't know that I know friend B)

(A) has just messaged me to ask if I'd like to meet up as 'she could do with a break from the relentlessness' (of looking after her parent). She said she is sorry it's been so long but she hasn't had a minute to herself over Xmas/new year.

I'm tempted to ignore. WIBU? WWYD?

She hasn’t actually lied though. She said she’d been busy looking after parent, then said she’d been busy over Christmas/New Year. I’d read this as two separate things. It is a bit hurtful that she’s seen other friends and not you, but could be other reasons I.e they’re all single / childless and you are married / kids etc.

Hmmm. Ok - will you update us then

I had to care for my mum for a while and I found it relelentless. Friends really didnt get it. I wasnt with mum every second of the day and not even every day but all the liasing with hospital and back and forth amd emotional energy was huge. I truly struggled. If a friend has said they'd really like to see you I'd take them at their word.

Doubting they're struggling because they have been out seems either really mean or just misunderstanding the toll caring for a parent takes.

There could be a million reasons why she's done this. Perhaps you're a very close friend and she may have have found it easier for a while to see a larger group rather than meeting up with a close friend where you tend to have more heart to hearts etc.
I think questioning her on her social activities over Xmas could come across a bit nutty and if anything will just make her back off from you (that's just how I'd feel personally if a friend were to question me like that)
I'd meet up and just see how she is, maybe very subtly see if she mentions being out and about over Xmas. And see how you feel about it all then.
Although it's tempting to vent your frustration, it's very rarely worth calling out a friend like this, it's not going to make them more likely to want meet up with you! If you still feel she's messed you around after meeting up just let it drift naturally.. it happens sadly.

Jesus
I will!
I've just messaged back and she has suggested this afternoon! 👍🏻

I hate this sort of thing - pointless lies.

I get you, OP. Please do update!

Canel: Perhaps you're a very close friend and she may have have found it easier for a while to see a larger group rather than meeting up with a close friend where you tend to have more heart to hearts etc.

I get this! Still don't know why she wouldn't just chat about what she's been doing as normal though.
It's all a bit weird. Like she wants me to think she's been stuck in.

define several? are we talking she was out 4 times over 2 weeks, maybe one of those times was a quick hour for a coffee and chat and then straight back to relentlessly caring for her parents 24/7?

tbh I would let it drop, be glad she had been getting some respite, meet up with her and when you are out tell her it sounds tough and ask if she has any breaks at all. If she says none at all then maybe mention.

I think questioning her on her social activities over Xmas could come across a bit nutty

That won't happen!
HOPEFULLY we can catch up normally without any BS

Can you find a way to drop friend B into the conversation? Make her squirm a bit if she didn’t realise you know each other..... 😁

I would just go out with friend B when friend A is going out next time and act surprised and be like “oh I thought you was stuck in!”

I have a friend very like this. The final nail in the coffin was when she was “too busy caring” to visit a mutual friend that had cancer despite only living a few miles away and also missing her funeral, then pasting “in so heartbroken she’s died” posts all over Facebook. She managed to get several holidays and days out in during this period too.

She can see who she wants. I have no time to waste on her anymore. The Mumsnet popular saying of “when someone shows you who they really are believe them” applies to everyone, not just dodgy men!

Sometimes though it's so much easier to pop out to the pub with friends you see very regularly just for an hour rather than someone you see less regularly and have to have a proper catch up which needs longer than an hour.

^this! Maybe she does value your friendship but for whatever reason the idea of catching up with you is harder work for her. I have friends like this.

If you try and “catch her out” by letting her know that you’re aware she has seen other friends over Christmas then she may well make the decision to "drop the friendship" for you. I would definitely pull back from a “friend” who was that controlling. It sounds really stalker-ish and “I know what you’ve been doing” 😬

If you try and “catch her out” by letting her know that you’re aware she has seen other friends over Christmas

If you're being "caught out" then it means you are lying. If I lie to a close friend, someone who has always been there for me as a support then I wouldnt blame them for being pissed off. I would say if she drops contact after being "caught out" its because she's embarrassed her lies have been exposed, not because she sees OP as a "stalker"

Meh, maybe she knows you better than you think so feels compelled to make excuses.

Awful to use her role as a carer to elicit sympathy in that way anyway. I'd never say I can't get out because of looking after someone. Just that I was busy. It sounds like she's after attention.

Caring for elderly parents, and the stress involved, affects people in different ways. Carers commonly become depressed and anxious, and in seeking to avoid extra stress can sometimes behave in ways that appear inexplicable to others. Could be, for instance, she was feeling guilty about not having seen you, but was worrying about making contact. I’ve no idea whether this was the case but it might have been, so if you’ve always regarded your friend as a good friend I think you should give her the benefit of the doubt. Try to meet, and see if it’s possible to talk about what she’s been up to in a way that doesn’t make her feel even more anxious.

Could you say something along the lines ‘I’m so glad to hear you managed a few nights out to let your hair down, I hope you feel better’. Her reaction will tell you you all you need to know. If, as other PP have suggested she wanted to reserve extra time for a good in-depth catch up with you, that’s all she had to say. If she has a genuine reason for pulling the wool over your eyes then she should have no reason not to be honest with you. She may not have lied directly but lied by omission. She may not have done it intentionally but it still hurts. At least by saying something like that, she’ll know you know and in future Realise it pays to be a bit more open and honest.

I have a ‘friend’ who I have posted about here before. She’s manipulative, emotionally controlling, spiteful and a gaslighter, but I can’t let her go because she’d do everything she could to ruin my life; I’ve seen her do it to other people. I adore her children, so I just tolerate her and hope she doesn’t bother me too much. We used to be best friends but she’s treated me so poorly that I can’t bear her company.

She’s vicious about any other friend I have and sends me shitty messages if I dare to socialise with the friends I actually like, so I’ve put restrictions on my social media accounts so she can’t see when I ‘check in’ at events with other friends, or share photos.

Please don’t be her.

My mum is like this.
She is a massive people pleaser and would fib because she felt guilty about not everyone being her top priority. She sets herself an impossibly high bar ( not consciously) and then feels really guilty and fibs to make the other person feel better, when the other person never felt bad in the first place and would have been happy with a plain explanation.

This could be your friend?

She also gets very pissed off if I didn’t tell her I had ‘free time’ and she ‘finds out’ that I chose to spend time with friends who don’t make me feel like dog shit.

Her texts to you were definitely misleading, making it sound like she’s had no time to go out. I think for me the important issue would be whether she presented things this way to try and get extra sympathy out of you (obviously her situation does deserve sympathy, but if she’s lying to get extra, that would be annoying) or whether it was to protect your feelings - if, as suggested above, she found it easier to pop out with a large group than have a one-to-one catch up, and was concerned you would think she had prioritised other people over you, she may have told this white lie so that you wouldn’t feel hurt.

When you meet up, hopefully you will be able to tell which it is. I think it’s worth bearing in mind what SquashedFlyBiscuit said, though - even if she’s been out a few times, it doesn’t necessarily mean that the caring hasn’t been relentless.

Please don’t be her

huh? the OP sounds nothing like her- where did the OP say she was going to send vicious shitty messages or monitor her friend's FB account?

I think you're projecting a bit here

Was just about to post similar Maeve.

Group of people all meeting up invite you along if you can be bothered for as little or as long as you like and won't notice or take offence if you don't manage is easy and likely a fun relief. Someone seeking to monopolise your diary in advance and expecting you to justify your lack of availability is in contrast hard work.

Gossiping about the situation with a mutual acquaintance and overthinking it makes you look even harder work.