AIBU to drop friend' caught fibbing.

[othervoicesotherrooms]

Friend (A) of many years has been caring for one of her parents & has understandably found it harder to meet up or be in contact regularly. Or so I thought.

I let her know that I was free to meet up if she had any time off : coffee, lunch, cinema whatever but accepted that she was busy.
Didn't see friend (A) at all over Christmas or new year.

I have just found out from another friend (B) that (A) has actually been out and about many times with a group of women (B) socialises with.

(Friend (A ) doesn't know that I know friend B)

(A) has just messaged me to ask if I'd like to meet up as 'she could do with a break from the relentlessness' (of looking after her parent). She said she is sorry it's been so long but she hasn't had a minute to herself over Xmas/new year.

I'm tempted to ignore. WIBU? WWYD?

You sound normal OP. It’s the others on here that are slightly unhinged. I think you missed the perfect opportunity to drop into the conversation “oh B said you’d been out and about a bit which I thought was great!” . Your friend has been dishonest and is nowhere as busy as she is making out. Personally I couldn’t be bothered with that. Because you know it’s bullshit and are playing along, in essence a fake friendship. I’ve posted about a friend like this before. Her standard texts of “must catch up soon!” Are wearing thin. She’ll never organise anything now I just respond with a thumbs up knowing full well I’ll never see her.

@CharityConundrum

Bloody well said!

Thanks for updating, OP. Sounds like your friend is definitely wanting to rely on you for sympathy whilst conveniently leaving out all the partying bits. I'm sorry some people in this thread have been so nasty and bitchy- but that says way more about their personality than yours.

Of course we all tell little white lies sometimes but to pretend you've been working yourself to the bone and had literally no time off when you've been out socialising on many occasions is just plain weird and you are right to feel like you're being duped.

At this point I wouldn't bother calling her out either, I'd just smile and nod whilst she spun her cinderella story to me and I wouldnt take much she said at face value any more. I would definitely pull back from that friendship and focus on my friends who are genuine and sincere and are there for me in a crisis. Theyre the ones who deserve your tea and sympathy!

Bloody hell. She can meet with who she wants. She may have already made arrangements with these guys and then found any more socialising too much.

Or she may have found you too much hard work when she would really need a break

Maybe the other people are a bit more easy going than you are OP?

Maybe the other people are a bit more easy going than you are OP

If this was truly the case then why is OPs friend asking her to meet up with her to offload all her "caring woes", the friend asked her to meet up with her only yesterday. She'd hardly be asking to meet up if the OP was such hard work now would she? Are people even reading this thread?

I don’t think your friend has done anything wrong here, if it was me I’d probably have said the same as her, she knows you’ve been wanting to see her, and she probably felt a bit guilty that she went out with other friends and didn’t want to hurt your feelings so didn’t mention the other meet-ups.

She contacted you to arrange a meet-up when she felt ready and had the time, she’s not a bad friend in my book

Another one agreeing with OneMoreRound .

I have a similar friend who doesn't get in touch for ages except when she needs something or a venting session, except she doesn't hide that she's busy with others ( posts on facebook). She usually tells me she's tired /sick/in bed/dealing with family crisies a lot.

I am less likely to drop everything to help with her crises than with friends that I'm regularly in touch with - she's in an outer rung of friendships.

So she doesn't think of you as such a good friend. Not in the way you think of her.

That hurts.

But I would meet her this once. Let her know - without acrimony - that you've chatted to your mutual friend and that you're glad to hear she's had a good time over Christmas.

But then maybe don't invest in this particular friendship anymore. Be friendly and polite but nothing more than that.

Go see her and mention it however the conversation goes at the time ....

I dropped a friend for doing this one christmas funnily enough. I hadn't seen her for 4 months which was fine, we're all busy, then she came round and said sorry she'd not been able to leave the house for 2 months due to her parent being ill.

She wasn't very tech savvy so clearly didn't realise that in the two months previously pictures of her at restaurants, theatres and Christmas parties had been plastered all over facebook.

If someone says they haven’t left the house for months for being busy, they aren’t being literal!

I'm wondering how dropping everything yesterday, meeting up that very day (her suggestion) and listening to her complain none stop for an hour and a half about her parents/siblings makes me 'hard work' ?!

Cobbler/mylife
We met up yesterday!

You live and learn, she is making out that she's caring for her elderly parents and hasn't had a minute to herself yet you've been told she's been out enjoying herself. Nothing wrong with going out and enjoying herself, but there is something wrong with lying about it, why does she want you to think that she hasn't been out?? The only reason l can see is she didn't want to include you or see you as well. That's not a friend, l would distance myself from her. Don't let her pick you up and drop you when it suits her. Good luck OP.

Dishing
Oops! I hope you didn't post about it on MN at the time! You don't OWN her you know! Haha!!

Boujee

I'd say to her of course I will meet up when you're free. I know you've been busy. (B) said you'd been out x

@othervoicesotherrooms people don't read the facts on mn... They get an idea in their head, maybe based on a word or two they've bothered to read, or read a comment that someone else has written, decide that they "like" that opinion and they just go off with their rant and name calling...

I wouldn’t be bothered with this and would just leave it alone and meet up tbh

I'm concentrating on the negative posts sorry!

So many lovely posts on here!
Thank you for taking the time to reply! Many of you have taken the time to read the thread and have offered unbiased opinions/advice which have made me think!

To be fair, I'm assuming that some of my harshest critics have fabricated a back story here and have assumed rather a lot about my friend's caring responsibilities and our friendship. Ah well! So it is!

You don't know what she's going through. Just meet her.

Xpost Retro!

Sounds a lot like some of my now ex-friends from university. It was a time in my life when I actually had friends and was seen as a shoulder to cry on and as strong and stable. Until I wasn't like a bad breakup and a near-fatal injury to a close family member. Tumbleweeds.

In fact some other people were almost angry at me as I wasn't allowed to be depressed as it where.

I withdrew and they didn't seem to notice.

Thing was we reconnected and for a long time things seemed OK even if they were slowly sliding down a right wing rabbit hole. But they were still decent people.

Then I have a bereavement. Tumbleweeds. Nearly lose my job. Tumbleweeds. Actually lose my job alongside shitshowtastic jobseeking. Tumbleweeds Tumbleweeds.

On analysis, it turned out that all I was to her was an emotional t toilet. She could be rather patronizing and condescending much of the time with a bit of a sour streak - like I was just a gonk and not a real person other than a tower of strength. It wasn't all take but it was certainly unevenly yoked. So I've finally deleted her since life is too short to have drains in your life.
I'm not sure if this is entirely true but are you a toilet and not a real person? Would she contact you if your life is in the shit? Would she actually care?

Let it go op, but I wouldn’t be a friend to someone who lied to me. I’ve had that recently myself with someone who told me blatant lies. And has treated me incredibly selfishly and only thought about herself. She’s done similar over the years and I’ve let it go a bit but now I’m actually pretty angry as I’ve done some nice things for her and looking back it’s not reciprocal so I’m moving on to other friends and less agro.

It’s really not about how long you’ve been friends but if your friend is there for you or are you just used as a sounding board when she wants to rant on about her so called terrible life whilst going out with other friends and lying about it.
My friend has a very nasty streak and only wants to meet when it suits her, to drink alcohol and meet men - I’m with someone and I have small kids so not really my thing anymore. So I’ve been getting some quite unkind and hurtful messages so I told her I’m done. This is someone I’ve supported through a break down and taken for lunch/coffee/ out for birthdays but she’s not done the same she’s a bitter person and will be a lonely old lady if she continues to treat her ‘friends’ this way

Maybe she was generalising? Or she'd been out a few times in the run up to Xmas but not since? I dunno, it does seem harsh to accuse her of lying over something so trivial. Benefit of the doubt this time? If it was a pattern then i'd address it.