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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Forgot anniversary

179 replies

ButtonandPickle19 · 12/01/2020 09:35

Our anniversary was on Monday (6/1/20) and DH forgot and didn’t get me a card or anything.
I reminded him on the Saturday prior (he has form for forgetting things) and then I text him on the Monday to say “happy anniversary! Can’t wait for you to be home to celebrate”
He came home and is got him a card, made his favourite dinner and got him a brownie, which he loves. He got me... nothing and said he’d forgotten.

(For context I text because we have a 2 Month old DS and I’m still sleeping the night shift off when he goes to work)

I’m not materialistic, I honestly would have been happy with a card and some flowers from the petrol station, he knows this! But I’m hurt he didn’t even remember to go on his way home from work. This year has been a big year for us and I felt the most important in our relationship. We had a baby, bought a house together and got married since our last anniversary. I feel quite hurt and like it was quite thoughtless. But AIBU to be so upset? It might be the BF hormones and lack of sleep doing the feeling...

FYI we did get “married” so the paperwork is done but our wedding is coming up in 2020 so we won’t be celebrating a wedding anniversary on the date we signed the paperwork, so it’s not like that date is the one we will celebrate from now on.

OP posts:
Insaneinthemembury · 13/01/2020 00:02

OP I think you've been getting a hard time on here
I know people who did the registry office first and then had a blessing day (which looked like an actual wedding)

If your DH is usually a good guy let this one go. I forgot our anniversary this year! Let him know how important it is to you and get him to pop it in his phone Smile

Magicmama92 · 13/01/2020 00:28

I think your right to be upset.
I also think that you should come clean tell your families your already married and your having a ceremony to celebrate and your anniversary be from the date you got married. It makes more sense. You shouldn't be hiding this and who cares what they say your married its lovely.

holidayhelpp · 13/01/2020 08:18

What on earth.

Original poster
ButtonandPickle19 · 13/01/2020 09:03

Everyone else who is attending knows as in my family know and my friends from away from town know. I have told my people because I wanted to. I haven’t told, and he hasn’t told anyone in his circle (his local friends, work colleagues and family)

I’m originally from the other side of the country and my work is a 2 hour commute from home so no one I know is an issue and they all know on the day. And none of them have an issue about it being called a wedding and are all happily helping me wedding plan. I said blessing to try and help some of you understand if it’s not common in your circles/area.

But this is not what I posted about, if I wanted to post about my complicated PIL/wedding arrangements/wanted advice on how to pick a date I would have started that thread.

I showed my DH some of the comments on here and he thinks most of you who have been so unkind are off your rockers need some help learning how to be nice.

Those of you who have been lovely, polite and helpful thank you for posting. Those of you keen to make comment on stuff that frankly is none of your business and not anything to do with this post - I feel sorry for your kids growing up with your judgemental view and god forbid they decide to get legally married separate to the wedding day they want! What if they want to have a ceremony outside - they will have to sign the registry another day and you’ll all have heart attacks and refuse to call it their wedding day!

OP posts:
Runnerduck34 · 13/01/2020 09:22

you are "married"
as in paperwork is done but wedding isn't until later in the year.

Maybe that's muddied the waters he doesn't consider legal marriage part as important as the party?
You need to decide between you which day you will mark as your anniversary, technically that is the day you exchanged vows and legally married but it's fine to choose the wedding party day instead if that's what you both agree on.
of course yanbu to be upset he did not mark it, particularly when you spoke to him about it and you've just given birth , he's a thoughtless twat!
Imo the separation of legal wedding ceremony and wedding party is madness unless there is a very good reason like serious illness, religion etc

zoobincan · 13/01/2020 09:24

Those of you who have been lovely, polite and helpful thank you for posting. Those of you keen to make comment on stuff that frankly is none of your business and not anything to do with this post - I feel sorry for your kids growing up with your judgemental view and god forbid they decide to get legally married separate to the wedding day they want!

Awww bless your OP.

I wish you all the best in your marriage to master manipulator.

zoobincan · 13/01/2020 09:25

showed my DH some of the comments on here and he thinks most of you who have been so unkind are off your rockers

Of course he is going to say that. He won't want anyone pointing out his faults now, will he Hmm

Nanny0gg · 13/01/2020 11:02

Those of you keen to make comment on stuff that frankly is none of your business and not anything to do with this post -

You have to laugh. This is an internet forum. You can't control peoples' opinions and if their opinions are that you're both barking then they're entitled to , You put it out there...

Oh, and just for info: Wedding - A wedding is a ceremony where two or more people are united in marriage

And you've done that already. You're going to have a Blessing and a party.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 13/01/2020 11:14

Has everyone been told NOT to tell the PIL that you are already married and the party is not actually a wedding. Because on the day someone in the room is bound to say something within ear shot about the secret.

The PIL will feel like complete idiots and the butt of a massive conspiracy to lie to them. Maybe they will barge out of the room and spoil the day.

Arthritica · 13/01/2020 11:26

OP, you ABU to fret about a card when so much more is going on. You’ve got a baby now, you’ve bigger fish to fry than whether he grabs a card from Tesco on his way home. Don’t sweat the small stuff and life will be easier.

You are also BU to post your relationship stuff on AIBU and then complain people are criticising you when “it’s none of their business.”
They are only commenting because YOU posted and YOU told them all this stuff. What did you think AIBU was for?

HelloDoris · 13/01/2020 11:34

I know of loads of people who did the legal and party ceremony separately (me included), I do not think it unusual, again ours was money saving, £90 for a quick register office sign the paperwork thing. Then we had a huge party with all our friends/family we had a friend of ours lead a humanist ceremony we exchanged rings on that day and wrote our own vows, I consider this day as my "proper wedding day".

I had 2 wedding days (and 2 dresses) but we don't celebrate 2 anniversaries because we have never bothered celebrating any type of anniversary anyway.

ThePants999 · 13/01/2020 12:04

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss
As for celebrating the anniversary of a first date etc, I thought that’s what teens did not grown adults with families.

Well, now you know better. We've been together nearly 19 years and married for nearly 14, with two kids. The first five years were just as worth celebrating as the following 14. What do you think couples who never marry celebrate?

NotEverythingIsBlackandwhite · 13/01/2020 12:15

So, you legally married on 6th January but won't be having your wedding reception until later this year. That is the date you will celebrate as an anniversary in future. Strange but maybe he agrees so you shouldn't have expected a card on 6th Jan.

Also, if he'd gone our and bought you a card and flowers, how could you possibly be pleased after having to tell him it's your anniversary? It wouldn't be a reflection of his thoughtfulness or that he cares.

katzenellenbogen · 13/01/2020 12:25

So, you legally married on 6th January but won't be having your wedding reception until later this year.

That would be fairly uncontroversial but it isn't the case.

OP says that they legally married last year, and nobody knows this....except that lots of people do - apart from her OH's parents

The fake wedding is this year - although it is now described as a blessing which is a bit more rational and has morphed into something very different from what was mentioned in the original post. This will then be their new anniversary (not the date that they actually got married)

The 6th of January is the anniversary of when they met - except that it isn't. It is apparently the anniversary of when they decided they loved each other.

But it's OK as we are all off our rockers.

zoobincan · 13/01/2020 12:37

THIS ^

zoobincan · 13/01/2020 12:40

Also, if he'd gone our and bought you a card and flowers, how could you possibly be pleased after having to tell him it's your anniversary? It wouldn't be a reflection of his thoughtfulness or that he cares.

She did tell him. He didn't forget. He chose to ignore it because he decided that wasn't the anniversary he was going to acknowledge. It did reflect his thoughtfulness- to a label of zero. It reflected how much he cares to no fucks. But that's ok because he doesn't acknowledge the marriage either.

DesLynamsMoustache · 13/01/2020 12:51

Friends of mine got married recently and had the registry office ceremony (just them) on the Friday and then the wedding on the Sat as their venue isn't a licensed wedding venue or something and they couldn't officially get married there. I think that's an English thing as you can get legally married anywhere you like in Scotland.

AllergicToAMop · 13/01/2020 13:14

Again.
It's not weird having a wedding and wedding party on different days. It's weird to talk about the party as it would be the wedding or even more important than the actual ceremony and signing the paperwork (that's the wedding).
I find it actually quite worrying that people put more emphasis on a party than the legal bit. Though it would explain a lotConfused...

FruityWidow · 13/01/2020 14:20

So all of your friends and family know you're already married and the party will be a 'blessing' but his friends and family don't. Do you not think all of the guests will talk to each other and his family will then find out its not an actual wedding?

honeyloops · 13/01/2020 14:32

Some of the replies here are SO weird - if a couple have been together a decade but never married, are they not allowed to celebrate anniversaries? 'Anniversary' doesn't specifically denote 'of a wedding', just a yearly anniversary of a significant date. My OH and I celebrate the anniversary of our first date because we're not married - if/when we do get married, we'll celebrate that instead but I imagine we'll still mention the original anniversary date to one another on the day - "eight years today!" etc. FWIW OP I'd be a bit hurt too - if he isn't officially counting you as married until your ceremony with friends and family, then surely he'd celebrate your other anniversary til then.

Retroflex · 13/01/2020 14:33

"I showed my DH some of the comments on here and he thinks most of you who have been so unkind are off your rockers need some help learning how to be nice."

Oh yes, we are "off our rockers" from a man who won't wear a wedding ring, hasn't told anyone that you're married, maybe he's ashamed of that fact, wants to ignore your wedding and pretend it hasn't happened until you have your fake wedding it's still not a wedding, makes excuses nothing said has implied they're valid reasons, etc etc...

Yeah, I'm good, but maybe he should be looking in a mirror when he's talking about people "being off their rockers and need some help learning how to be nice" as your darling snowflake/manipulative husband doesn't impress me at all...

Good luck living your fake life...

Ellisandra · 13/01/2020 14:35

Your husband judges us?

We’re not the ones married / “married” to a man who upsets us enough that we have to post online about it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Retroflex · 13/01/2020 14:36

@ButtonandPickle19 "What if they want to have a ceremony outside - they will have to sign the registry another day"

NOPE, that's absolutely not true! And you're showing how immature and uneducated you are about weddings! I've been to family members, outdoors ceremonies, and they absolutely did sign the register straight ways! 🤦‍♀️

Retroflex · 13/01/2020 14:36
  • straight away!
Retroflex · 13/01/2020 14:45

@AllergicToAMop "I find it actually quite worrying that people put more emphasis on a party than the legal bit. Though it would explain a lot Confused"

Exactly!

When I got married, it was the ceremonial part of the day which meant the most to me! The "party" part, was an expected expensive party for everyone else, to thank them for coming to share our special day!

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