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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Forgot anniversary

179 replies

ButtonandPickle19 · 12/01/2020 09:35

Our anniversary was on Monday (6/1/20) and DH forgot and didn’t get me a card or anything.
I reminded him on the Saturday prior (he has form for forgetting things) and then I text him on the Monday to say “happy anniversary! Can’t wait for you to be home to celebrate”
He came home and is got him a card, made his favourite dinner and got him a brownie, which he loves. He got me... nothing and said he’d forgotten.

(For context I text because we have a 2 Month old DS and I’m still sleeping the night shift off when he goes to work)

I’m not materialistic, I honestly would have been happy with a card and some flowers from the petrol station, he knows this! But I’m hurt he didn’t even remember to go on his way home from work. This year has been a big year for us and I felt the most important in our relationship. We had a baby, bought a house together and got married since our last anniversary. I feel quite hurt and like it was quite thoughtless. But AIBU to be so upset? It might be the BF hormones and lack of sleep doing the feeling...

FYI we did get “married” so the paperwork is done but our wedding is coming up in 2020 so we won’t be celebrating a wedding anniversary on the date we signed the paperwork, so it’s not like that date is the one we will celebrate from now on.

OP posts:
Retroflex · 12/01/2020 11:57

I was married in a church, I gave a donation to the church, and signed the register there and then. It didn't cost anywhere near what you suggested... I'm even more confused...

Original poster
ButtonandPickle19 · 12/01/2020 12:00

The post was about me feeling a little sad that he forgot to get me a card for our agreed anniversary. Thank you to those who understood what I said and pointed out there is a bigger picture, that it won’t be important in 5/10/20 years time. I needed to hear that, even though I knew it.

DH just came home and we had a chat about it. He said he was sorry, he knew he’d upset me and felt bad. I said I know he’s forgetful but it hurt my feelings to have nothing. He said he won’t forget again and of course I’m important to him.

Big hug and all will be forgotten. I think it was bothering me because he wouldn’t give me a chance to say how I was feeling and so I felt he didn’t care/understand.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 12/01/2020 12:02

thank you. I didn’t realise the detail would be so difficult for people to follow... life is a bit more modern and complex these days.

No it's not. His family might be complex and I see (sort of) your reasoning. But marriage is the same

You're not getting married in Feb because you already are. Nothing complex about it.
Won't the family notice that it's a blessing or whatever (who's officiating?) in Feb? Or will it be too late for them to make a fuss then?

Bigearringsbigsmile · 12/01/2020 12:06

You sign the register at the time of marriage. If you haven't signed the register, you arent married.

You haven't met his family?????

Sparklyring · 12/01/2020 12:07

I don't understand why you didn't have family there if it was so important to say your vows in front of them? You're already married so surely they dont mean as much second time round, as they're just words as you've already said them as a commitment. It would make more sense to just have a party than a pretend ceremony.

Original poster
ButtonandPickle19 · 12/01/2020 12:07

Too late for them to make a fuss. We will tell them on the day and they won’t kick off about it, my DH just wants to make sure they’re there, even if it means lying to them.

Personally I have very little time for them but I understand him wanting them there and respect that.

OP posts:
katzenellenbogen · 12/01/2020 12:07

life is a bit more modern and complex these days.

No it isn't. People get married on one day and then that is their anniversary.

You seem to want an "anniversary" for everything. That's not how life works.

Tableclothing · 12/01/2020 12:09

Please satisfy my curiosity re: what is going to happen at your upcoming wedding. Who will be the celebrant? Is it going to be a religious ceremony? Are you going to exchange rings there? Sign a register again? Is that allowed?

zoobincan · 12/01/2020 12:09

Thank you to those who understood what I said and pointed out there is a bigger picture, that it won’t be important in 5/10/20 years time.

Well there is an even bigger picture but you have chosen to ignore that just as you have chosen to ignore your own feelings over both this situation and that of the fact you are married but he won't let you tel anyone. Eventually this will break you. He will only get worse. He will drain every ounce of enjoyment out of your life, while all along you 'let it go' because it's easier and you don't want to argue. The truth is he has you and your feelings and weakening way far down at the bottom of his pile, and your married life has barely started.

zoobincan · 12/01/2020 12:10

*wellbeing

Letseatgrandma · 12/01/2020 12:11

It's not weird to have a wedding party on one day and wedding on another. It's weird to call wedding party "getting married" and ignore the actual wedding tbh.

This!!

Tableclothing · 12/01/2020 12:11

We will tell them on the day and they won’t kick off about it, my DH just wants to make sure they’re there, even if it means lying to them.

I don't want to wee on your chips, but what on earth makes you think they won't kick up a fuss when they find out their son has been effectively lying to them for months and that the wedding they are expecting to attend has already happened?

Original poster
ButtonandPickle19 · 12/01/2020 12:12

I’ve met them, they have refused to meet my parents so far. As I said, complicated people... but his family either way so I respect how he wants to handle them.

We got married with two friends as witnesses in a city away from home. The vows we said at the registry office were the pre written ones and still important and true. We planned on writing our own and having a personalised ceremony for our friends and family, and that’s what we are going to have even if we have legally done it already/before.

It’s a little like renewing your vows I guess for people who don’t understand?

Neither of us wanted a church ceremony and the cost here of a registrar to come to a chosen location on a Saturday is £650. To marry with two witnesses at the registry office on a Tuesday cost £87.

OP posts:
BaronessBomburst · 12/01/2020 12:15

So his family won't come to the wedding if they think it's only party to celebrate. Then how do you think they will react when they find out they were tricked into attending?
I understand your point of view, seeing as the wedding was already booked etc, but this is headed towards blowing up into a big mess and a major family fall out.

Original poster
ButtonandPickle19 · 12/01/2020 12:16

@Tableclothing a close friend of ours will do a non religious blessing where we exchange vows, rings and then have a meal and a party. Exactly what we planned to do originally minus the signing of the register.

I know they won’t make a fuss because I know them. And i have given the scenario to my DH that they do make a fuss afterwards and he said that’s fine, he just wants his parents to be there for the day. I’m leaving that up to him. My parents, knowing through conversation with DH and I also agree this is the right course.

OP posts:
Tableclothing · 12/01/2020 12:18

If they're such unfussy people, why can't your DH be honest with them?

Tableclothing · 12/01/2020 12:20

I'm also confused by the bit where you had to get married last year because it was important to the families that the baby wasn't born out of wedlock.... But as far as your DH's parents know, the baby was born out of wedlock? Did they mind? Is that why they've refused to meet your parents?

Original poster
ButtonandPickle19 · 12/01/2020 12:21

Personally, I would rather NC with his family. They are cruel and selfish and thoughtless. But they are DH parents and I have to respect his wishes. If he wants them there and he’s worried they won’t come otherwise then I will let him decide what he wants.

To put into context, they live 500m from us and when DS was born they didn’t bother to come and meet him for nearly a month and they haven’t been back after that time. They only came over to see him after DH called his mother and complained.

OP posts:
fedup21 · 12/01/2020 12:23

I'm also confused by the bit where you had to get married last year because it was important to the families that the baby wasn't born out of wedlock.... But as far as your DH's parents know, the baby was born out of wedlock?

Exactly-it doesn’t make any sense?!

AllergicToAMop · 12/01/2020 12:23

Why was it ok for your DD to be born "out of wedlock" but not your DS? Confused

Original poster
ButtonandPickle19 · 12/01/2020 12:24

it’s important to both families, but primarily mine. They are vocal about it but I know for his it’s just a preference. They will be glad it happened prior to DS birth in the end.

OP posts:
Original poster
ButtonandPickle19 · 12/01/2020 12:26

@AllergicToAMop it really wasn’t. My parents barely spoke to me for years after she was born because they were so upset. Long term they are glad I didn’t marry my ex and they love my DH but at the time they said they were so embarrassed etc. Hence why I didn’t want to do it again, especially as I knew I wanted to marry DH anyway.

OP posts:
AllergicToAMop · 12/01/2020 12:30

As much as I advocate getting married before children, I can't get over the fact that someone is still "embarrassed" by so much so it would cause others to rush their weddingsShock

ohwheniknow · 12/01/2020 12:30

Right. "Modern".

zoobincan · 12/01/2020 12:38

. Long term they are glad I didn’t marry my ex and they love my DH but at the time they said they were so embarrassed etc. Hence why I didn’t want to do it again,

So it's not just your DH you are bowing down to but your parents also?

Grow a pair OP. You are being trampled all over from every direction. Put on the big girl pants and do and say what you actually want rather then shutting up and putting up to suit others. Otherwise that will be your life.