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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Forgot anniversary

179 replies

ButtonandPickle19 · 12/01/2020 09:35

Our anniversary was on Monday (6/1/20) and DH forgot and didn’t get me a card or anything.
I reminded him on the Saturday prior (he has form for forgetting things) and then I text him on the Monday to say “happy anniversary! Can’t wait for you to be home to celebrate”
He came home and is got him a card, made his favourite dinner and got him a brownie, which he loves. He got me... nothing and said he’d forgotten.

(For context I text because we have a 2 Month old DS and I’m still sleeping the night shift off when he goes to work)

I’m not materialistic, I honestly would have been happy with a card and some flowers from the petrol station, he knows this! But I’m hurt he didn’t even remember to go on his way home from work. This year has been a big year for us and I felt the most important in our relationship. We had a baby, bought a house together and got married since our last anniversary. I feel quite hurt and like it was quite thoughtless. But AIBU to be so upset? It might be the BF hormones and lack of sleep doing the feeling...

FYI we did get “married” so the paperwork is done but our wedding is coming up in 2020 so we won’t be celebrating a wedding anniversary on the date we signed the paperwork, so it’s not like that date is the one we will celebrate from now on.

OP posts:
Original poster
ButtonandPickle19 · 12/01/2020 13:53

@thepants999 thats a great idea!

OP posts:
Runningonempty84 · 12/01/2020 14:00

Ok, so we've already established he didn't really forget your anniversary.

On the wedding front though - this all sounds massively OTT and confusing. For various reasons, we got married on a separate day to the day we had our wedding party.
The date we got married and said our vows and signed the register was our wedding, and thus our wedding anniversary.

Then we had a party afterwards, on a different day. Everyone knew we were already married. There was no fake service or fake vows or bridesmaids or best man, or any of that jazz, because that would've been weird. We just had a party to celebrate our marriage. The anniversary of this date is not our wedding anniversary...!!

Bigearringsbigsmile · 12/01/2020 14:18

The anniversary of the date you got together being more important than a wedding anniversary seems really strange to me.
The day I got together with dh, he was a stranger. We had a lovely evening and I was thrilled to have met him and enjoyed kissing him at the end if the night but when we got married we'd been together for 5 years and were making a commitment to be together forever. That was a much bigger deal!

katzenellenbogen · 12/01/2020 14:24

You don't have a planned wedding in 2020 because you are already married

Your wedding day has been and gone.

I have no idea how his parents will react but I doubt that they will be overjoyed.

stepitupjuan · 12/01/2020 14:27

The anniversary of the date you got together being more important than a wedding anniversary seems really strange to me.

For me the date we got together was the first day of our lives together. If we married it would be purely because it made sense financially for us both. Right now it doesn't but probably will do when life moves into its next phase. We'll mark that day but it won't be as meaningful as our first date emotionally, as that's the day we fell in love. That to me seems more of a reason to celebrate than the day we became fiscally unified!

SadSongsAndWaltzes · 12/01/2020 14:30

Wow, people are being very unkind here, and deliberately obtuse.
I know many people who have had a quiet "paperwork" wedding, followed by a ceremony (for loads of reasons), and if the op and her husband want to celebrate the date they stand in front of family and friends to make their vows to one another rather than the date they signed the papers, that's completely up to them. Similarly, if they prefer to celebrate the date they met, that's up to them. What matters is what they've agreed to celebrate, and it sounds like the op is understandably upset because her husband have forgotten this, despite agreeing to it. I wouldn't be too upset if I were you though op. It sounds like you've both had a busy few months and have a lot going on still. I often forget both my anniversaries (we still acknowledge both our first date and our wedding day) as does my dh, but we don't mind that much. If it upsets you though, let him know how much it means to you and hopefully he'll remember next time. Good luck xx

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 12/01/2020 14:37

I wouldn’t be happy in the slightest to be invited to a fake wedding. They will know as the wording is different when just a blessing. I’d be heartbroken to be lied to by my own child.

As for celebrating the anniversary of a first date etc, I thought that’s what teens did not grown adults with families.

SunshineAngel · 12/01/2020 14:39

I set the pass code on our joint iPad to our anniversary date, that way he will always remember haha.

I did it as a joke but it's always quite funny when he forgets (the year, not the date, as it's like 01/02/03 so 6 digits) and I tease him saying there's no way I'm reminding him, so I guess he won't be on the iPad anymore.

On a serious note, what's your relationship like in general? Some people don't think much of celebrating specific dates, and if everything else is good, I think you're being a bit OTT moaning about this.

Hercwasonaroll · 12/01/2020 14:39

As for celebrating the anniversary of a first date etc, I thought that’s what teens did not grown adults with families.

This

I have a friend who celebrates their 6 month anniversary too... Its bonkers.

AutumnRose1 · 12/01/2020 14:41

He might be trying to set a precedent for “no anniversary stuff” but he should have discussed this first.

Then again, I have a friend who said that to her husband, he didn’t believe her(!!) and got all butt hurt that she didn’t want to mark it.

WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 12/01/2020 14:57

When people say "anniversary of when we met" do you mean literally the first time you met, or the first date, or when you decided you were in love, or shagged for the first time?

(Doing all these on the same day makes it much easier to remember Grin)

Btw OP if you thought people were judging you and your DH before, just wait til they read the weed comment....

(FWIW I don't understand the anniversary but not a wedding thing either but I think that's because my first question is confusing me).

Original poster
ButtonandPickle19 · 12/01/2020 15:14

@WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles haha trust me the weed was growing up and the major reason we both don’t think it should ever be legalised but that’s another thread entirely!

It’s the date we picked together to celebrate when we felt we fell in love and we were more than just a flirtation.

He definitely wants to celebrate it and forgot everyone, no hidden messages etc he’s got me some chilli crackers today for a little gift and I’m chuffed - he knows I love them.

OP posts:
stepitupjuan · 12/01/2020 15:16

When people say "anniversary of when we met" do you mean literally the first time you met, or the first date, or when you decided you were in love, or shagged for the first time?

First date, after about 2 weeks of texts/phone calls. It was 5 November so already memorableSmile

We've been together over 3 years and having an annual celebration of that seems appropriate. We don't exchange cards or gifts but go abroad for a long weekend around the date each year and sightsee, eat and drink.

midwest · 12/01/2020 15:34

The anniversary of the date you got together being more important than a wedding anniversary seems really strange to me.

But it is far more important for DH and I do I do understand. We spent 10 years together before getting married so celebrating our first date has always been our main anniversary.
We have a small notice of our wedding anniversary.
It is perfectly possible to have two days in a year where you notice your relationship.
I would be upset if our anniversary was forgotten and actually so would DH.

Original poster
ButtonandPickle19 · 12/01/2020 15:49

@midwest all that matters is that it’s important to you and DH. DH would also be upset had he remembered and I forgot :) x

OP posts:
Aragog · 12/01/2020 15:53

it’s very common amongst my friends. They get married and have a wedding but sign the registry on a separate date.

I am surprised it is so common between your friends. I have been to dozens of weddings in the UK over the years and they've all signed the register on the date, as part of the ceremony - whether thats been in a church, register office or a different venue.

I have also known people to get married abroad and it was still done in one ceremony - marriage vows and register done at the same time.

I did get married abroad - just me and dh, our choice. We had a party two weeks later on our return for family and friends, but that was exactly as I say - a wedding party. We did go to church on that day and have a blessing ceremony, which was done for the benefit of some family members of dh's side, but the main focus was the party.

Our wedding day is the official one - the date we said our vows to one another and signed a register - we didn't need to do this again in the UK, it was legal abroad.

We don't annually celebrate any other date, though will do on a very small scale this year as it will be 30 years since we first got together - I only knew the date really as we were teenagers and those kind of dates are seen as being a bit more memorable and more 'it was that day specifically' in my experience, rather than meeting a few times and making it more official you're a couple a few dates later type scenario you have when dating as an adult.

katzenellenbogen · 12/01/2020 16:33

It’s the date we picked together to celebrate when we felt we fell in love and we were more than just a flirtation.

It's getting sillier and sillier.

So the original (non) anniversary in your first post, which is nothing to do with your wedding or the fake wedding-to-come is also not even the anniversary of when you first met or even went on your first date?

Original poster
ButtonandPickle19 · 12/01/2020 16:51

katzenellenbogen - I’ve already made it clear, I’m not interested in people’s rude comments around what they think a relationship/marriage anniversary should be. At the end of the day it’s the date me and my DH agreed and want to celebrate our relationship. The date we decided we had been together for a year and would mark that we met and fell in love. If you must know it was our first proper date in the uk, but we met when we met when we were abroad which was more of a holiday flirtation.

My parents celebrate their wedding anniversary with us all as a family but they have private little ones they give a nod to between them. Anniversary of when they first got together is one of them and my dad brings her a bunch of lilies. No one calls them immature or idiots for doing this because it’s their choice and their relationship and they’ve been doing it 42 years

OP posts:
stayingaliveisawayoflife · 12/01/2020 18:31

It is very prevalent in Asian culture to have the registry office on one day and then a religious ceremony another day and even a western wedding on a third day if the couple want that too. The registry office is seen as the necessary legal bit but the big day is the rest.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 12/01/2020 19:06

I would be more worried about lying to guests at a party and pretending its an actual wedding ceremony when you are already married. That's not going to backfire at all, is it?

Original poster
ButtonandPickle19 · 12/01/2020 20:32

@Walkingdeadfangirl I agree, it might be a disaster for his family (everyone else knows) but it’s DHs wish not to tell them so I have to leave that with him. It’s going to be described as a blessing. They’re relationship is so complicated I just stay out of it and support his choices with them.

OP posts:
Retroflex · 12/01/2020 22:36

"life is a bit more modern and complex these days."

Literally everything you've said regarding children being "born out of wedlock" goes against this statement ConfusedHmm it's not a modern way of thinking...

The only think that is complex here is following your stories lies about it "being important to family" "nobody knows/2 friends know/my parents know" oh and my absolute favourite "They won't kick off" when they find out they've been lied to.

I thought when I had a chance to catch up I'd understand a little bit more, but nope, enjoy your party... it's not a wedding though and celebrate whatever random date you choose... doesn't make it your wedding anniversary

Retroflex · 12/01/2020 22:50

ConfusedConfusedConfused

"I agree, it might be a disaster for his family (everyone else knows) but it’s DHs wish not to tell them so I have to leave that with him. It’s going to be described as a blessing."

So now everyoneelse knows, and it's now a blessing not a marriage... and the lies just keep coming

Seriously, I just can't anymore... I'm out... Hmm

zoobincan · 12/01/2020 23:52

I agree, it might be a

agree, it might be a disaster for his family (everyone else knows)

Earlier today nobody knew Confused

He refuses to tell anyone we are legally married, where his ring and has made it clear that he wants to wait for our wedding (in Feb) for us to be considered married. He hasn’t even told his parents we signed the paperwork.

It's all just a load of bollocks isn't it Hmm

zoobincan · 12/01/2020 23:53

Ignore the first bit the page wouldn't move up so i couldn't t see the top

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