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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Forgot anniversary

179 replies

ButtonandPickle19 · 12/01/2020 09:35

Our anniversary was on Monday (6/1/20) and DH forgot and didn’t get me a card or anything.
I reminded him on the Saturday prior (he has form for forgetting things) and then I text him on the Monday to say “happy anniversary! Can’t wait for you to be home to celebrate”
He came home and is got him a card, made his favourite dinner and got him a brownie, which he loves. He got me... nothing and said he’d forgotten.

(For context I text because we have a 2 Month old DS and I’m still sleeping the night shift off when he goes to work)

I’m not materialistic, I honestly would have been happy with a card and some flowers from the petrol station, he knows this! But I’m hurt he didn’t even remember to go on his way home from work. This year has been a big year for us and I felt the most important in our relationship. We had a baby, bought a house together and got married since our last anniversary. I feel quite hurt and like it was quite thoughtless. But AIBU to be so upset? It might be the BF hormones and lack of sleep doing the feeling...

FYI we did get “married” so the paperwork is done but our wedding is coming up in 2020 so we won’t be celebrating a wedding anniversary on the date we signed the paperwork, so it’s not like that date is the one we will celebrate from now on.

OP posts:
Isadora2007 · 12/01/2020 10:47

Let it go.
He’s also just had a new baby and working and coping with the life a newborn brings and Xmas etc- it will have been a lot for both of you. I think you’re mixing up some of your feelings about the marriage and the wedding alongside this too and haven’t really resolved that. I think it was wrong to do the marriage thing without discussing it with each other about how it was all going to work out with family etc. That’s a huge thing to keep from your family and it’s so deceptive and horrible that people are going to what they think is your wedding when you’re actually married. If I was a friend of yours I’d be a bit confused and miffed but if I was your family I’d be deeply hurt and upset.

Whatnametoday5 · 12/01/2020 10:47

How bad is this DH & I couldn’t tell you what date we got together, so we don’t celebrate that! And on more than one occasion we have or he has forgotten our anniversary. He did this year and oddly he was really upset.

I make fun of him but for some reason dates don’t mean anything to him! He can remember random information from ages ago, but will come home and ask me outright we have this work thing on this day but I think something else is happening ...what like my Birthday?!?

He even booked a work trip on his own 40th.

But it’s just one of those things and after 20years together it’s not worth trying to change him.

Dollywilde · 12/01/2020 10:49

So it’s (for example):

First date: Jan 2009
Legally married: March 2019
Wedding party: Feb 2020

You’ve both agreed not to celebrate the March anniversary. Until Feb 2020 you’ll celebrate the January anniversary, and then celebrate that going forward. While it’s not how I’d do it I don’t think it’s that hard Smile

OP, if you’ve agreed to the above and you did remind him then I agree it’s thoughtless at best. I’d be disappointed too.

Original poster
ButtonandPickle19 · 12/01/2020 10:49

I doubt people will be upset and I’m surprised how everyone is finding it weird... it’s very common amongst my friends. They get married and have a wedding but sign the registry on a separate date. It saves a lot of money so a lot of my friends have done it this way. I didn’t realise it was so odd to do. Usually people sign the registry a few days after the wedding, we just happened to do it 6 months before.

Going forward we will only celebrate in February each year, no other dates. 3 would be madness. But until then we always celebrated a year together...

OP posts:
Original poster
ButtonandPickle19 · 12/01/2020 10:50

@dollywilde

Thank you! That’s exactly what we agreed :)

OP posts:
zoobincan · 12/01/2020 10:51

How does it save money to get married and have a reception on a different day? I mean I accept people do this for whatever reason but I can't in a million years work out how it could be a money saver Confused

I'm stunned that you are happy to be treated like a pile of shit though OP. The big man refusing to acknowledge his own marriage while good little wifey plays along Hmm

AllergicToAMop · 12/01/2020 10:52

Are you a Muslim?

TheWernethWife · 12/01/2020 10:53

I assume that you are not in the UK then, with mentioning people getting married and signing register day later.

TheWernethWife · 12/01/2020 10:54

or even days later, this does not happen in UK, register is signed there and then.

Original poster
ButtonandPickle19 · 12/01/2020 10:55

I agree.. long term and on the bigger picture it won’t matter at all :) as I said, I think I’m more upset just because I’m tired and EBF a very grumpy baby.

We did agree not to tell anyone, especially his family, and that we would ignore it. This was his preference but I agreed, we didn’t want it to over shadow our planned wedding in the February. He didn’t just decide to not say anything after we did it, that was the plan - to act like it never happened and plan for February.

OP posts:
Original poster
ButtonandPickle19 · 12/01/2020 10:57

I’m in the UK and not Muslim. As I said, I’ve seen 7 friends get married like this in the last 2 years!

It saves money because to get married on the day (as we originally planned before I got pregnant) would have cost £650 additional to our venue costs etc for a registrar to attend the hold the ceremony. Doing it the way we did cost under £90 including the certificate. If money is tight, which it is, then for us £540 is a lot of money to save. Our entire wedding is costing under £1.5k.

OP posts:
babyburrito1 · 12/01/2020 10:59

OP, I totally get where you're coming from and can't understand why people are being deliberately obtuse and missing the point of your post. You had an agreed anniversary date and your DH didn't put the thought in to picking up a card on the way home, I don't think you're asking for the sun and moon here!

I think you should let him know he's hurt you and then let it go because he's probably already feeling guilty and sometimes it's more effective to just let the guilt fester. But you are certainly not BU to feel upset, especially with everything that has happened in the past year.

Enjoy your wedding party, not sure why Mumsnet hates weddings so much either but completely understand why you would want to celebrate your marriage with your loved ones around you and not while heavily pregnant. Pick whatever date you want for your anniversary and woe betide DH if he forgets again...

zoobincan · 12/01/2020 10:59

We did agree not to tell anyone, especially his family, and that we would ignore it. This was his preference but I agreed,

Right, so you agreed. But it was HIM that wanted it. OP I know you are going to defend him and the situation but it really is awful. Still, as long as you are quietly upset as you are now rather then letting him know I'm sure it will all be fine.

I would recommend reading everything you have said about him just on this one thread, several times.

WeeSleekitTimerousMoosey · 12/01/2020 11:00

The only time I've heard of people in the UK having a separate legal and ceremonial marriage has been in situations where muslim couples did not realise their marriage was not legally recognised under our laws and rectified the situation after the fact.

If you just wanted to be legally married at the time and didn't bother with a wedding per se that's pretty common. It's also pretty common to have a party later to celebrate with family and friends but I've never known anyone call that their wedding or lie to people about it.

rottiemum88 · 12/01/2020 11:01

It was done to make sure our DS was born into wedlock (important for our families).
*
He refuses to tell anyone we are legally married... He hasn’t even told his parents we signed the paperwork*.

Not the point of your post really OP, but these two statements are a bit contradictory don't you think? Confused

AllergicToAMop · 12/01/2020 11:02

It's not weird to have a wedding party on one day and wedding on another. It's weird to call wedding party "getting married" and ignore the actual wedding tbh.

I asked about the religion because I it sounded like you may be talking religious wedding and legal wedding and some of my Muslim friends have done it that way.

TitianaTitsling · 12/01/2020 11:09

But your families must know? It was done to make sure our DS was born into wedlock (important for our families). Doesn't match up with He refuses to tell anyone we are legally married,

Nicolastuffedone · 12/01/2020 11:09

I thought you this was a nikah (is that the word?) where you sign paper work but marry later...if u e got that right. Have to say, I’ve never, ever heard of a wedding and then another one to save money...never.

TitianaTitsling · 12/01/2020 11:10

Absolutely xposted with rottiemum!

Hepsibar · 12/01/2020 11:16

Some people are very big on anniversaries, some on valentines and birthdays and Christmas etc. For those of us that are not into this type of thing, it's unimaginable to be sensitive ... but if you are one of the people who keeps these dates and makes a big thing/effort for others, I guess you find it difficult to understand the reverse! I would suggest spending the time and money on yourself in future!

Hmmmwhatsthat · 12/01/2020 11:22

As per PP - It was done to make sure our DS was born into wedlock (important for our families).
He refuses to tell anyone we are legally married... He hasn’t even told his parents we signed the paperwork - completely confused - either your DS was "born into wedlock" in which case you would surely have told the families to whom this is important; or as seems to be the case, he's been born "out of wedlock" as far as those same families are concerned.

HouseOfCrayCray · 12/01/2020 11:40

ButtonandPickle19 Not sure why people are focusing on the marriage part, I totally got what you meant in your OP & I'd feel the same if my DH 'forgot' & didn't even get me a card. From what you've explained your DH obviously knew that this was still your anniversary until your 'wedding', you've clearly stated he has specified this himself. What did he reply to your txt in the morning?

Original poster
ButtonandPickle19 · 12/01/2020 11:46

@babyburrito1 thank you. I didn’t realise the detail would be so difficult for people to follow... life is a bit more modern and complex these days.

I agree, I need to just let it go. He’s not very romantic but he is incredibly supportive and kind as a man.
He doesn’t want his family to know for good reasons that are far too complicated for here (a whole post all of it’s own) so although it’s not what I wanted, I agreed. He won’t tell anyone else because we live and work in a small town and word will get to his parents.

OP posts:
Original poster
ButtonandPickle19 · 12/01/2020 11:55

He replied “oh yes!!!! I love you to the moon and back” and then forgot again!

It’s complicated with his family. They will be happy/glad when they hear we got married before DS was born but it is more so for my side. Its VERY important to my side that it’s married and then a baby.

We booked and planned the wedding January last year, and found out in my March that I was pregnant. We couldn’t move the wedding forward financially and I didn’t want to have the wedding heavily pregnant (very difficult pregnancy). He is worried his parents will say “you’re already married, we’re not coming to a wedding party” and refuse to come in February. His family are complicated and I don’t see that beyond a possibility so i agreed not to tell them. He’s desperate for them to see him say his vows, meet my family and be a part of what we planned to be our special day.

OP posts:
TitianaTitsling · 12/01/2020 11:55

But l thought you only did the registry office because of the parents? And I didn’t realise the detail would be so difficult for people to follow... life is a bit more modern and complex these days. From you at posters OP yet it's you using the term 'out of wedlock' Hmm