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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Forgot anniversary

179 replies

ButtonandPickle19 · 12/01/2020 09:35

Our anniversary was on Monday (6/1/20) and DH forgot and didn’t get me a card or anything.
I reminded him on the Saturday prior (he has form for forgetting things) and then I text him on the Monday to say “happy anniversary! Can’t wait for you to be home to celebrate”
He came home and is got him a card, made his favourite dinner and got him a brownie, which he loves. He got me... nothing and said he’d forgotten.

(For context I text because we have a 2 Month old DS and I’m still sleeping the night shift off when he goes to work)

I’m not materialistic, I honestly would have been happy with a card and some flowers from the petrol station, he knows this! But I’m hurt he didn’t even remember to go on his way home from work. This year has been a big year for us and I felt the most important in our relationship. We had a baby, bought a house together and got married since our last anniversary. I feel quite hurt and like it was quite thoughtless. But AIBU to be so upset? It might be the BF hormones and lack of sleep doing the feeling...

FYI we did get “married” so the paperwork is done but our wedding is coming up in 2020 so we won’t be celebrating a wedding anniversary on the date we signed the paperwork, so it’s not like that date is the one we will celebrate from now on.

OP posts:

geekone · 12/01/2020 10:18

@ LoungeLizardLhama no they didn’t between this day last year and today they got married. This was their getting together anniversary.

Original poster

ButtonandPickle19 · 12/01/2020 10:19

Sorry for the confusion. We always have celebrated a year together on the day we met (literally a card and a glass of wine/chocolates) each year. Going forward we will just celebrate our wedding anniversary because I totally agree... it gets a bit much/confusing. I think I’m upset because it’s the date we celebrate every year, just for some reason this year he’s decided he’s not interested.

We got legally married so we were married when our DS was born but neither of us wanted a quick rush to the registry office to be our wedding, we wanted it to be surrounded by friends and family with vows. We booked our venue and everything before we got married so we eloped just before DS was born. He’s very keen that we ignore that date and just focus on our wedding.

I think I feel like I’ve been through a lot (difficult pregnancy and birth) for us both this year and it would have been nice to have his thoughts for the day we always choose to do something.

OP posts:

YummyChipCurryDip · 12/01/2020 10:19

First date anniversary. Anniversary of legal marriage. Wedding party anniversary. None of my business really, but it'd probably be quite sensible to just pick one. I can't remember our first date tbh. March/April 1980 I'd guess.

Lazypuppy · 12/01/2020 10:21

I presume OP is talking about the anniversary of their rwlationship, which most people celebrate until they get married, then you celebrate your wedding anniversary.

OP once you are married you normally just celebrate that one, maybe thats why he is confused?

Mrsjayy · 12/01/2020 10:24

I think he has moved on from that then i know it must have hurt and tbf he should have mentioned it but a lot has happened since last years annivesary.

zoobincan · 12/01/2020 10:24

So it's not an anniversary at all after all that

YummyChipCurryDip · 12/01/2020 10:24

It’s really not that hard to understand is it? They did get married, as in become man and wife on this date last year
That's not how it reads though. OP says they've got married 'since' their last anniversary.

Original poster

ButtonandPickle19 · 12/01/2020 10:25

He’s definitely not confused. He said he intended to get me something and forgot at the weekend and then forgot again by the time he finished work. As I said, it’s when we always celebrate and agreed to do so until our wedding day. He is the one who doesn’t want to mark the day we legally got married, it was done to make sure our DS was born into wedlock (important for our families).

OP posts:

zoobincan · 12/01/2020 10:26

It’s really not that hard to understand is it?

They did get married, as in become man and wife on this date last year.

Erm - it clear IS hard to understand, given that's not actually what happened!

Ellisandra · 12/01/2020 10:30

@ButtonandPickle19 why do you say “for some reason”?
Isn’t it obvious?
The reason is that your first date “anniversary” has been usurped by the fact you got married.
You know he didn’t forget, because you told him TWICE.
The issue here is what each of your expectations and actions were, and if they were reasonable.

If he thought that you weren’t doing cards and flowers because you now have a wedding anniversary - that’s perfectly reasonable. What matters is his actions when he came home to your card.

good natured “ooops, I had no idea you’d still do a card, I’m sorry!” = good
totally ignores the card when you give it to him = bad

What did he actually do?

IckyIsAFuckingStupidWord · 12/01/2020 10:32

This is so weird.

The date you got married is the date you got married, end of. THAT is your anniversary date forever more regardless of how you look at it.

Nanny0gg · 12/01/2020 10:32

I understand why you're upset. Does he have an excuse.

But going forward, your anniversary should be for the day you were legally married. Not the day you have a party!

Ellisandra · 12/01/2020 10:34

You say he’s got form for forgetting.
You need to make a decision here.
There is ZERO excuse for forgetting. He has a phone, he can add it. Bet he never ‘forgets’ to show up to work when he’s supposed to

You have a choice - keep up your crap soul destroying role of “reminding” him twice, and therefore know that the petrol station flowed might as well have been bought by yourself. Or, tell him it’s not acceptable. Every time you remind him, you tell him it is acceptable to need to be reminded.

You’ve got many many years of posting your disappointment on here, if you enable this shit now.

Ouchaheadinmybehind · 12/01/2020 10:35

He’s very keen that we ignore that date and just focus on our wedding

So, presumably, he will send you an anniversary card a year after your wedding. You got married and had a child- all way bigger than remembering your first date.

Original poster

ButtonandPickle19 · 12/01/2020 10:36

He said “oh shit! I meant to stop at Tesco’s”
He 100% does not think it’s because we are legally married now (really regretting putting that in the post)
He refuses to tell anyone we are legally married, where his ring and has made it clear that he wants to wait for our wedding (in Feb) for us to be considered married. He hasn’t even told his parents we signed the paperwork. I feel the legal marriage was an important part of the year because I’m quite traditional and I feel I made a big commitment to him this year, he’s ignoring it until our wedding.

OP posts:

Frenchw1fe · 12/01/2020 10:36

If you're going to be spending your life together I suggest you let this one go.
Your anniversary is the day you got married, legally. Anything else is an occasion.

Retroflex · 12/01/2020 10:37

And this is why my husband and I got married a few years later, but on the exact date of us becoming a couple. (It is an important time of year for us)

zoobincan · 12/01/2020 10:39

He refuses to tell anyone we are legally married, where his ring and has made it clear that he wants to wait for our wedding (in Feb) for us to be considered married. He hasn’t even told his parents we signed the paperwork.

What a fucking prick. Tbh I'm not sure I would be up for a 'wedding' to this man.

Original poster

ButtonandPickle19 · 12/01/2020 10:40

I haven’t made a big deal about/we haven’t had an argument about it. I just feel quietly upset by it. As I said, I got him a card and a brownie so we never go all out or anything silly!

OP posts:

Retroflex · 12/01/2020 10:40

@ButtonandPickle19 you're going to have 3 "anniversary" dates? That's going to cause more issues (like this one) in the future I think...

Also, at you're second wedding, how will that work when it comes to signing the register? You've already done that when you got married, and you can't sign it twice? It's going to raise a few eyebrows, and people may ask questions...

WeeSleekitTimerousMoosey · 12/01/2020 10:41

I'm confused, what anniversary is it he forgot?

Don't get me wrong, we only bother with the anniversary of our meeting as we'd been together 20 years before we got married purely for legal reasons, but if one or other or both of us forget we don't much care. It isn't like forgetting a birthday. My parents were always forgetting their anniversary too.

Letseatgrandma · 12/01/2020 10:43

This is bizarre.

Your anniversary will be the date on which you got married-that was your wedding!

Marriage=wedding.

Whatever party you’re having this year isn’t going to be a marriage or a real wedding!

zoobincan · 12/01/2020 10:44

I haven’t made a big deal about/we haven’t had an argument about it. I just feel quietly upset by it.

Yep. And this will continue and escalate through your married life. He is a thoughtless pig who doesn't give a fuck about your feelings and has got you exactly where he wants you. More so since you mentioned the way he has acted over your marriage. I would say head for divorce not a wedding. He sounds like a drainer of all things.

BaronessBomburst · 12/01/2020 10:44

You do realise that when you have your second fake wedding you're also going to have a lot of very pissed off guests when they find out.

midnightmisssuki · 12/01/2020 10:46

Jesus Christ. I’m confused. Let it go OP, he’s probably as confused as Some of us are.

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