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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Forgot anniversary

179 replies

ButtonandPickle19 · 12/01/2020 09:35

Our anniversary was on Monday (6/1/20) and DH forgot and didn’t get me a card or anything.
I reminded him on the Saturday prior (he has form for forgetting things) and then I text him on the Monday to say “happy anniversary! Can’t wait for you to be home to celebrate”
He came home and is got him a card, made his favourite dinner and got him a brownie, which he loves. He got me... nothing and said he’d forgotten.

(For context I text because we have a 2 Month old DS and I’m still sleeping the night shift off when he goes to work)

I’m not materialistic, I honestly would have been happy with a card and some flowers from the petrol station, he knows this! But I’m hurt he didn’t even remember to go on his way home from work. This year has been a big year for us and I felt the most important in our relationship. We had a baby, bought a house together and got married since our last anniversary. I feel quite hurt and like it was quite thoughtless. But AIBU to be so upset? It might be the BF hormones and lack of sleep doing the feeling...

FYI we did get “married” so the paperwork is done but our wedding is coming up in 2020 so we won’t be celebrating a wedding anniversary on the date we signed the paperwork, so it’s not like that date is the one we will celebrate from now on.

OP posts:
IckyIsAFuckingStupidWord · 12/01/2020 12:38

You know that you won’t sign a marriage register at your party next month? People will notice this and wonder why.

You also know that on certain legal paperwork you are required to put the actual date you were married, not the date of a party?

I can only wonder how upset your own parents will be when they realise the ‘wedding’ they’re going to soon isn’t a wedding and you’ve already been hitched a while.

And clearly you didn’t get legally married “to make sure our DS was born into wedlock (important for our families) because they don’t know you’re married!

🤯

hotblacktea · 12/01/2020 13:07

yabu, no marriage, no anniversary

Original poster
ButtonandPickle19 · 12/01/2020 13:16

My parents know we are married legally - just his don’t.

I have got what I want. I wanted to be married to my DH. End of. How and when I’m happy to be relaxed about to please the people I love. As long as I’m married to him I’m happy.

OP posts:
hippiemama · 12/01/2020 13:20

Ok so what is so hard to understand?
They became man and wife legally last year, but they don't want to make that their official wedding date as it was just them, and a rushed thing I'm assuming!

My fiance and I celebrate our get together date, and will be eloping to get married. Our elopment won't actually legally make us man and wife, the registry office will but our special day will be when we elope, so that will be the day to celebrate.

So yeah, I'd be pissed if he came home empty handed too.

zoobincan · 12/01/2020 13:20

I have got what I want. I wanted to be married to my DH. End of. How and when I’m happy to be relaxed about to please the people I love. As long as I’m married to him I’m happy.

Bloody hell OP listen to yourself Shock

You genuinely sound pathetic. No wonder he is calling all the shots while you sit back and keep your upset quiet. My god for your own sake please wake up. This is awful.

AllergicToAMop · 12/01/2020 13:23

@hippiemama but eloping is getting married so you don't need registry office afterShock Unless it's unrecognised religious ceremony. Then it's not eloping by definition though?

Sooverthemill · 12/01/2020 13:24

So he didn't mark the anniversary of when you first got together and in the last year you have got legally married but not had a celebration yet? God you are an expensive person to be with! You need to choose. You got married and that's the commitment date ( or birth of first child maybe). It all sounds very complicated. My DH doesn't remember the exact anniversary of when we got together but does our wedding anniversary and usually remembers other significant dates eg anniversary of my mum dying, his dad dying, the date we lost of baby. If your DH treats you with respect in all other things, let it go

MashedSpud · 12/01/2020 13:25

If mn had the Oscars, this would be nominated for most confusing thread.

hippiemama · 12/01/2020 13:26

We are having a non religious ceremony in Es Vedra, Ibiza. So it is just that, a ceremony. We will exchange our own vows and it'll just be us and our DD.
To make it legal, we will have to sign the paperwork back in the UK. It can only be made legal there if it's a religious ceremony, which we are not.

user1493494961 · 12/01/2020 13:27

I hope you have a lovely day celebrating your wedding Op and wish you all the best for you and your family. If the February date is the one you want to mark in future, then that's entirely up to you.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 12/01/2020 13:28

He refuses to tell anyone we are legally married, where his ring and has made it clear that he wants to wait for our wedding (in Feb) for us to be considered married.

Please be really, really careful with this. Over the last two years, two people I know have got married earlier, not told anyone and then done a fake wedding, pretending they weren't married. It came out both times, and people felt misled. Almost everyone said that they'd have happily gone to the celebration anyway, but they were unhappy that they had been lied to.

Announce that you've married, don't make a big deal of it and then invite people to celebrate a blessing with you.

Your marriage certificate is a public document, someone will see it eventually...

stepitupjuan · 12/01/2020 13:28

We celebrate the anniversary of our first date with a trip away. If we ever marry, we'll both likely not remember what date that happened on. Or make sure it coincides with our first date just for the sake of it.

I think you husband might be thinking you want you cake and eat it here OP, given that there's now another anniversary (marriage) and then a pending third (party).

Original poster
ButtonandPickle19 · 12/01/2020 13:28

@zoobincan really??? I wanted to marry him and I married him. I wanted our wedding we planned, I’m getting it. I also wanted to be married before we had a baby, that one didn’t work out so we put it right, pleasing my parents in the process. DH doesn’t want to tell his parents before our planned wedding for his personal reasons, I love him enough and understand the relationship so agree with this. I’m in no way weak or him calling the shots - my friends and family would find that comment hysterical!

I just love my family and him enough to compromise and have the marriage everyone wants, not just me.

@hippiemama - sounds very similar! I hope you have an amazing time!

OP posts:
AllergicToAMop · 12/01/2020 13:28

@hippiemama that's interesting. So it's just like a pretend ceremony in Ibiza? It does sound nice and peaceful

hippiemama · 12/01/2020 13:31

@AllergicToAMop yes I guess so! Its made personal to you, so special to you in that way.
That's exactly what we're after, no people or family drama haha.

Hercwasonaroll · 12/01/2020 13:32

But your wedding isn't a wedding because you're already married.

AllergicToAMop · 12/01/2020 13:33

@hippiemama ah. Though that's just not eloping. But it actually sounds lovely!

zoobincan · 12/01/2020 13:34

Yes really. The things you have said about him throughout and about how you deal with it waves huge red flags. I have posted a few times what I think so I'm not going to repeat myself, but I do think you should read what you have said about him again. Then note the part where you turn to defend him. But don't forget the part where he doesn't acknowledge your marriage and you just follow along meekly. I'm not posting this to be horribleX I just want you to be able to see how downtrodden you already look.

You have excuses his dismissal of your marriage by saying it was impotent to your families that your son was not born out of wedlock. The problem is, your families don't know this so obviously still think your son was born out of wedlock. That was a piss poor attempt to justify your 'DH' acting as if you aren't even married.

He says = you go along with.

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 12/01/2020 13:35

Christ you’re hard work. No wonder the poor bloke is confused. I can’t remember the actual date dh and I met, I know which month but that’s it. We usually forget our own wedding anniversary. On the other hand, we are still best friends and very much in love 25 years and two kids later. I guess we concentrate on the day to day important stuff, not fixate on dates. Confused

Isadora2007 · 12/01/2020 13:36

They get married and have a wedding but sign the registry on a separate date.

So they don’t get married and have a wedding at all.

WelshMammaofaSlovak · 12/01/2020 13:37

My husband asked what we were doing at the weekend once and I suggested we could go to see his mum he was unimpressed because it was the day of or first wedding anniversary and he was hoping I'd have booked something instead of completely forgetting! I don't remember what we did the second year and this year was a spectacular low when we both forget and only realised at all when our friend texted us both to say happy anniversary to which we both had to have a think about what it was the anniversary of 😂😂😂 I think it's okay of you are both about as romantic as a wet sock but I do think that if my husband was very keen on such occasions I would make more effort. We are not the celebratory kind - didn't give each other Christmas presents and probably won't bother with birthday gifts but we are okay with that. We are not from the same cultures and we've had to sit down to plan how we deal with Christmas and birthdays for our dc and I do think that you need to sit down with your dh and do the same. It might not seem romantic but there's nothing romantic about you both having different expectations and one being resentful and the other feeling annoyed that they are being punished for not doing anything wrong. Just make it clear what you expect and then if your DH is absolutely unwilling to come anywhere close to what you want then at least you know he is being a douche!

Original poster
ButtonandPickle19 · 12/01/2020 13:40

Oh my goodness! So many people here are maddening!

I’m not expensive, I’m not expecting three anniversaries. My DH and I both expected to celebrate on this date this year and he forgot! Genuinely forgot. Not thought it was another day. Not abusive and trapped me. Just forgot because he was busy with work and smoked too much weed when he was younger and barely can remember anything without a reminder.

I didn’t expect MN posters to be so awful, unkind and judgemental about how me and him choose to get married. Frankly, none of you know the family dynamics and it wasn’t something I asked for opinion on. It’s my wedding day that I choose to have on the day we wanted originally, not pregnant and in the way we wanted.

I felt like our relationship progressed in a big way this year and our agreed anniversary was forgotten which made me feel a bit let down. He agrees that he was an idiot to forget it, has now apologised and it’s all fine.

OP posts:
FenellaVelour · 12/01/2020 13:43

So you are married, you just haven’t had the party.
I don’t know why you aren’t celebrating the anniversary of your marriage rather than the date you met (I can’t even remember the date I met my husband).
It’s not modern or different, just a bit odd.

WelshMammaofaSlovak · 12/01/2020 13:46

Sorry , is read most of the thread but not the bottom where an awful lot more was revealed. He doesn't sound like a douche and you sound very nice and supportive of his clearly difficult family. You well both decide what you want to do and I'd say that you don't need MN to tell you what that should be!

ThePants999 · 12/01/2020 13:49

We deliberately got married on the anniversary of getting together, so we don't have to worry about two anniversaries, but if we hadn't, the date we got together would be more important than our wedding date. We were together for five years before we got married, and celebrated our anniversary throughout - that doesn't all get thrown away when you tie the knot!