AIBU pregnancy with an unsuitable man ALL over this site

[SiriusBlack94]

It amazes me that EVERY day there are multiple posts with...

My DH is so lazy —— I’m 30 weeks pregnant
My DH is a narcissist how can I leave him —- I have a baby on the way
I don’t love my DH anymore - but I’m 28 weeks pregnant
DH drinking all the time/doing drugs/ controlling/ doesn’t help around the house —- but I’m pregnant.

Like seriously. Why are women so casual about getting pregnant with men that aren’t suited to them or who they aren’t in a loving relationship with. I know in some cases a man can turn abusive during pregnancy but in the majority of cases it’s things like ‘my DH drinks 4 times a week’ or ‘my DH never helps around the house’ which you would’ve KNOWN but still got pregnant.

I just don’t understand it and they are then tying themselves with often multiple children to these men.

It's widely accepted that (broadly speaking) women choose to have fewer children when they have greater access to good job opportunities, I predict that the birth rate will drop even further as more and more women expect men to step up and do their share

'What!? You mean I'm expected to take a hit and make sacrifices in order to be a parent??'
That will be a big 'hell to the no'😲from the men

In which case I would agree. Preferring hobbies and not wanting children is valid for men and women (though placing hobbies first is probably a sign they're an unsuitable potential parent because their priorities aren't having children)

Being in a relationship and prioritising hobbies over basic adult tasks involved in running a home isn't valid and in those situations it's quite clear what that guy's outlook is. Don't spend 3 years running the home whilst he plays man child and then be surprised when it turns out he is still a man child after a baby arrives.

It bothers me a bit that some on this thread would look at the example I've just given and would still claim that suggesting women think before TTC with a man is blaming her for his behaviour. It's not. It's suggesting looking objectively at your partner and relationship before TTC.

I agree OP it's absurd. That was me at 21, I'm 60 now and know much better.
In my case it was rock bottom self esteem due to parental abuse for years and being kicked out at 16 but I don't take any shit from men these days and prefer to remain single.

I have taught my own son to be a decent human being and he works hard to support his partner in every way. They have decided not to have children but I know he would be a good and involved dad if they did.

To me the question how many men actually would be happy to make 50% of the required effort is quite interesting.

I suspect it is much lower than the number of broody women.

To me the question how many men actually would be happy to make 50% of the required effort is quite interesting.

Only if it was the fun bits, not the cleaning, feeding, other boring bits I'd imagine.

But then the mother probably more likely does 80% of the work, could most men do that?

I know of only two men that have done the majority of the parenting for their kids. One actually has full custody of his daughter. Compared to how many women that have full or part custody..

I know my partner couldn't handle 50% of the time required to look after a kid other than the fun parts. Hence why he's not getting one.

Christmas, why on Earth do you think the best you can do and what you deserve is a lazy arse who's a filthy slattern? Leaving aside the kids issue, why do you want to shackle yourself to someone you have to adult for? This is who he is. He's not going to change.

Eminencegrise illustrates my previous point.

A man is not a lazy arse because he cannot handle the effort to raise a child.

How do you even arrive at such a nonsense conclusion?

A man is not a lazy arse because he cannot handle the effort to raise a child.

RTFT, Anon. Christmas doesn't even want kids, he's the one who does. She states that he's a lazy slob who doesn't want to behave like an adult and is happy to live like a minger; not sure why anyone would even find that attractive, hence I asked her, not you, the question. So stick your lame try at insulting me where the sun doesn't shine.

And anyone is a lazy arse if he or she chooses to procreate and then expects the other party to do all the work regarding the product of that decision, and a shit excuse for a parent.

I got the names mixed up - so I apologize.

eminencegrise

He is changing, but mainly because I'm treating him like a child. If he doesn't do something he was asked to do, his playstation gets hidden until he does it. It's stupid that I even have to do that, but if he won't learn he deals with the consequences. He is now learning quicker.

He's had everything done for him his whole life. If there was a problem, his mum handled it for him. Any bills needing done his exs would do for him, or his mum. He tried to claim to me once that he couldn't fill out a credit card application because he didn't know what to do. I just said 'so you don't know how to spell your own name then do you? Or where you live? Are you really going to pretend you are that stupid?' and funnily enough he managed to do it. Or when he tried claiming he didn't know how to put clothes away, I mean really? You could forgive a young child not understanding how to fold clothes, but an adult? No.

Most women placate their partners and just do stuff to get it done faster. I'd rather force him to learn and figure stuff out even if I have to be a bitch to do it. He is capable so no reason not to.

Still, he's nowhere near ready to raise a child. He doesn't quite get what it takes to raise a baby, I don't think many men do, or people for that matter. Maybe I should get him one of those electronic ones and abandon him for the weekend?

If I posted on here that my husband was a useless arse, a lot of people would reply that all men are useless arses. So why would I then think I will ever experience anything different.

MN paints a picture of a world full of lazy arsed men who are set to a default of abusive behaviour and prone to be obsessive about hobbies. It implies that’s all men. Most men are hard working, parent their children and manage their hobbies. They don’t shout, they don’t drink heavily and they don’t game incessantly. And they aren’t that hard to find.

That there are individuals and pockets of society that accept a different normal doesn’t make it the case for society at large. These discussions about how most men do nothing and are useless set a distorted expectation of what is normal and acceptable.

I wouldn't say he is a minger either, it's just annoying habits he is in. He'd rather sit down and play games for hours and then thinks 'oh ill put a load of washing on' when he could have put washing on first and it be done when he's finished playing games. Or manages to not notice that the house needs hoovered. Or the dishes need done. He would do them later after playing games.

He's getting better though like I say. Starting to finally realise that it's easier to just do a few chores first then have fun as it's done then.

If that is what floats your boat, Christmas, but man, that would kill my libido stone cold. I mean, what a loser! He sounds thick as two planks and about as attractive as a mound of termites.

*A child shouldn't be conceived purely to be a sister/brother to child a.

There shouldn't be a stigma surrounding having an only child.*

I agree, but unfortunately lots of women seem to believe - for many reasons - that they shouldn't leave a child as an only child.

Think I am far more intelligent than he is really, I can think way further ahead than he can, understand people better (he's definitely autistic and has zero clue what people are thinking/feeling at any point), better at planning than him. He'd have had no clue what to do to buy a house without me, although he did help with research on it and where we chose eventually. The way we think is different, he's more a in the moment kind of person whereas I plan, over plan really.

But I do have a tendency to over think (a lot and to the extreme) and he is very good at calming me down and making me see sense, that I have over reacted. He just has his flaws and I have mine, both still learning how to deal with them. I don't think it helps that we are both ridiculously stubborn. He's been great at other things, can't go into detail as it's a bit outing if anyone I know is on here, but he has helped me in so many other things.

Even worse when the children are not yours but your partner still expects you to do the main bulk of the childcare, why women put up with it is beyond me. They also then have a child with them 🙄

My vagina dried right up reading that Christmas.... hiding his PlayStation who the hell could be arsed

Even worse when the children are not yours but your partner still expects you to do the main bulk of the childcare, why women put up with it is beyond me. They also then have a child with them 🙄

Oh, yeah, that's characteristic of someone who's standards are below the floorboards. There's a reason why these men's ex's left them. Gawd, they have more baggage than Heathrow.

He's getting better though like I say
This sounds like he's your project.

Why women feel the need to try to change men is beyond me. It's not our job to teach them how to function as sensible adults.

It's one thing to say "I love you but we cannot settle and have children until you pull your weight more and learn to compromise on hobby time so we both get equal downtime" and quite another to see posts about women excusing their DP's inability to use a washing machine, how he works a long day at work so couldnt possibly put his snack packets in the bin, how they give them a chore list and instruct them which ones to do (one step away from an adult star chart).
Fine, it means 6 chores get done instead of none but it still infantliases men and perpetuates the idea that they don't have to do anything unless a woman is on their case and telling them to.

What's wrong with "pull your weight or this relationship has no future because I value relationships with men who are my adutl equal, not an overgrown teenager"?

Then people have children with these men and seem surprised they have to spell out when to pick a hoover up, tell their DP to wash the uniforms etc. Newsflash the whole relationship has been you playing mum to a man child, why would your own babies change this?

“
MN paints a picture of a world full of lazy arsed men who are set to a default of abusive behaviour and prone to be obsessive about hobbies. It implies that’s all men. Most men are hard working, parent their children and manage their hobbies. They don’t shout, they don’t drink heavily and they don’t game incessantly. And they aren’t that hard to find.

That there are individuals and pockets of society that accept a different normal doesn’t make it the case for society at large. These discussions about how most men do nothing and are useless set a distorted expectation of what is normal and acceptable.”

This is all absolutely correct.

The bitterness, hatred and bigotry we see daily on mumsnet, directed at men as a class, is becoming a serious problem for this site. I’m not sure MN getting away with it is sustainable.

But surely if it is our lived experience then we are free to solicit the help and support of others? It's not like we are just coming on here to shout 'all men are bastards' is it?

And men do it too. Look at the incel sites. Makes MN look like a fluffy bunny place.

“ And men do it too. Look at the incel sites. Makes MN look like a fluffy bunny place.”

When your argument to defend Munsnet it is “look at the incel sites” it’s not great, is it? Nobody but bwould argue those arguments or those sites have legitimacy, would they?

I disagree, Hercules. All men don't get bashed on Mumsnet. Badly-behaving men get criticized. And frankly, our society needs a bit more of this holding men to account.