AIBU pregnancy with an unsuitable man ALL over this site

[SiriusBlack94]

It amazes me that EVERY day there are multiple posts with...

My DH is so lazy —— I’m 30 weeks pregnant
My DH is a narcissist how can I leave him —- I have a baby on the way
I don’t love my DH anymore - but I’m 28 weeks pregnant
DH drinking all the time/doing drugs/ controlling/ doesn’t help around the house —- but I’m pregnant.

Like seriously. Why are women so casual about getting pregnant with men that aren’t suited to them or who they aren’t in a loving relationship with. I know in some cases a man can turn abusive during pregnancy but in the majority of cases it’s things like ‘my DH drinks 4 times a week’ or ‘my DH never helps around the house’ which you would’ve KNOWN but still got pregnant.

I just don’t understand it and they are then tying themselves with often multiple children to these men.

In my case, it was the sunk cost fallacy

Thank you for being so smug op.
Let's hope nothing happens in your perfect life , and if it does let's hope you get the support you need instead of judgement.
Ex Dp changed after he got diagnosed with crohns and was on 24 pills a day some of which were strong steroids.
Hey ho let's blame the woman then.

YANBU

I totally agree with you.

The man shows his true self before pregnancy, yet she still gets pregnant again and again.

I see threads about, we have 3 DC, DH doesn't help, everything is left to me....and yet he was like this since child number 1.

Having spoken to a few women I know personally, they know the man is useless, but after one child, they would rather not have another child with a different father. So they proceed to have a second child and maybe a third.

It also happens when the biological clock is ticking and the woman is afraid it's her last chance.

I never forget a thread on here some years ago, where this woman's DP urinated in her bubble bath as revenge, because she'd apparently upset him.

He confessed to her, but you know..because she was late 30s...she was going to stay with him as she wanted a baby and was worried it was her last chance.

When the bar is so low...babies are brought into the world with a father as useful as a chocolate teapot.

It's the second pregnancy dh arsehole posts that I dont get.

YABU OP, as PPs have pointed out, it's often during pregnancy that husbands can change for the worse and their flaws, that were once easily overlooked (who doesn't have them?), become glaringly obvious and hard to live with once you're growing a whole human being.

But you carry on with your cute little assumptions about everybody else's lives...

People do not lie about who they are. They tell you, from one day, you just choose not to listen because that suits you at time.

It's almost a crime on here to say 'hey, maybe you shouldn't have babies with (known) cunts.'

Yep the amount of times you read threads and there's an awful story and woman is pregnant, talk and ask about that and some posters shoot you down "she's pregnant now!" or "the baby is here"!!. Relationships are complex as are the reasons for women staying with abusive men but bringing children into an awful relationship only damages the children. And the consequences can be life long.

Yeah, SOME women could help themselves. Its not surprising when a relationship goes south after choosing to stay with a man who has more red flags than China.

But I dont believe for a second that ALL women who are in terrible relationships could help themselves. The world just isnt that black and white.

Ex Dp changed after he got diagnosed with crohns and was on 24 pills a day some of which were strong steroids.
Hey ho let's blame the woman then

Now this is a totally different situation.

The OP is talking about men who showed they were no good before a pregnancy.

I think she made that point clearly.

There's no getting away from the fact that a lot of women choose unsuitable men as fathers for their children.

A useful BF who treats you like crap... will not make a fantastic dad.

The next excuse is the pregnancy wasn't planned....but when you continue to have sex with a useless boyfriend...you take the risk that he may father your child.

IMO the logic is - Once you have one child with an arsehole DP, you might as well have a second (or third, if you wanted however many children) as you're going to have to co-parent with them anyway. Better them than an unknown who could be worse - and then you have to co-parent with multiplie arsehole xDPs

I think Sirius has a valid point, especially as there are numerous methods of contraception available and the option of termination is legal in UK.

Yep, just what I expected. Shite reading comprehension on threads like these.
OP capitalised the word 'KNOWN,' with examples such as drinking four times a week before they have children.
So why are people still giving examples of men turning abusive out of the blue after Disney behaviour (which I accept happens, especially during pregnancy.)

NOT what the OP is talking about. If a bloke is a deadbeat in other avenues of his life before having children, e.g not getting a job, not helping around the house, smoking weed/ drinking excessively, serial cheating, then yes. You are complicit in the instability of the family home if you go on to have children with said deadbeat. That does not abdicate them of being a deadbeat, because two things can be true at once.
Yes there are exceptions. Yes, women can be coerced into pregnancy with POS men. Yes yes yes to all the exceptions. But it doesn't change the fact that there are women out there who don't give a shit about who they're making kids with and then complain about it later.

What saddens me is ‘can’t leave because then he’ll have access and can’t be trusted with the children’, it’s so depressing to be in that kind of a trap and the poor kids who are in the middle of it all. I hold my hands up as someone who ignored the warning bells about the man I had a baby with, but I finished the relationship when daughter was 2 and did it alone from then on with mortgage and working full time with no financial input from anyone else and I am proud of all I achieved, daughter now has close relationship with her dad and that’s great too

TYPO

A USELESS BF who treats you like crap... will not make a fantastic dad.

My xH cheated before we had DCs. I wrote it off as him being young and unused to being in a serious relationship, and stupidly believed it wouldn't happen once we were married with the DCs. I was naive, but then I was younger then too.

Thanks for all your replies. For those kindly telling me men can become abusive during pregnancy if you would like to re read my Op you will see that I stated that in it.

Indeed not everything is black and white but you cannot blame contraception fails and men who hide their true selves on the sheer number of women having multiple pregnancies with unsuitable men. And the reason why I haven’t ‘given out about the men’ is because they’re not the ones left holding the baby in the vast majority of cases so they are not as impacted in their lives.

Re a previous poster on what I would consider a normal time to TTC. I disagree on 3 years - my experience and that of those in my social circle is that after 3 years is generally when a relationship will either make it or break it. With my DH we were together 6 years when starting to TTC and it was only after 4 years we stopped using dual contraception (pill & condom) and went to just pill. We didn’t start trying until we were in our early 30’s hence the 6 years.

I suppose this thread came about as for me it goes a bit like - read thread and think how awful it is for the women and she needs to leave - read on and see she’s heavily pregnant therefore her options are massively curtailed.

I don't think we're ever going to solve the question of why men abuse women by asking 'what could women do differently'. Surely the more important question is why are so many men treating women like shit? The problem is, if you're surrounded by arseholes and your father was an arsehole, you're going to believe that all kinds of awful stuff is normal in a relationship. It's only when something life changing happens (like pregnancy) that people start to question it I suppose.

So many are missing the OP's point. She is talking about men who show their colours BEFORE the pregnancy. Not during the first one. And then knowing what the situation is, going on to have further children.
That does not apply to most of the examples on this thread.
Of course once you're pregnant and they turn it's a totally different situation.
But so many seem to have red flags furiously waving first.

I find it astonishing how many surprise babies are born to women who had been told by doctors they “cannot conceive”. I am sceptical that this is the case.

I think sunk costs accounts for many of the 2nd and 3rd babies. It’s very difficult to untangle two lives. Plenty of people can’t afford to split a household.

YANBU. OP is clearly talking about women who say that the relationship was shit before they had children/after the first child but subsequent children have been conceived. OP is clearly NOT talking about abuse/violence etc. It is incredibly common on here and quite frustrating to read; I often immediately lose sympathy with the ones complaining that DH has been lazy/consumed by a hobby/unfaithful etc. before but they’re pregnant again. It does seem on here that some women seem to think yet another baby will magically make their DHs more attentive.

Some posters are saying that women mustn’t be blamed for their partner’s becoming dicks after a baby is conceived, which is true, but they should be blamed when they continue to have children with said dicks and have actively chosen to bring more children into the relationship (aside from obvious exception such as rape, abuse etc.)

For me there were red flags before I even got married but that's with the benefit of hindsight. Early 30s, wanted a family and I thought it was the best I was going to get having spent a long time single. Was only bad 10% of the time but eventually that 10% became too much, mainly once dc were a little older and I wasnt focused on a baby and toddler 100% of the time.

I dont regret a thing cos I have my wonderful dc and xh is a much better father now we're not together. We get on as friends but I see his faults as a partner and would never go back

If a child grows up in an abusive home, witnessing these toxic dynamics, being manipulated and blamed, having their self esteem trashed, hearing abuse being excused and minimised, having no idea this isn't normal for everyone... Why do you expect them to magically have the knowledge of someone who had the luck to grow up in a healthy, stable home, being actively nurtured and encouraged and going through wildly different experiences?

As a pp pointed out some of these women you are looking down upon have never known any other kind of relationship than the toxic/abusive one they find themselves in as adults. They believe that's as good as it gets and that if they can't handle it that's because they're not trying hard enough or they're weak/oversensitive/crazy - not because it's wrong. They can't believe that the kind of relationship you consider normal is anything other than an unattainable fantasy.

Lots of those women will have their families telling them they need to work harder to make the relationship work. Who'll be reinforcing that this is just how men behave and she needs to learn to manage him better.

Have you not noticed how many of the posters you disparage have abusive backgrounds? Families and friends pressuring them or telling them to stay? Who genuinely can't wrap their head around the idea that what's happening to them isn't perfectly normal for everybody else? Who only wanted advice on better coping/obedience strategies because no other way of living had occurred to them? Who just don't believe life can be different?

Or were you too busy judging them?

Things are more complex than the way you're painting them.

OP... you made your point clearly and I think those who chose to misinterpret, are being defensive because they ignored the warning signs.

A man who spends his time gaming, drinking, leaves his clothes on the floor and never cooks or does any household tasks, is not going to make a good dad.

It's not rocket science is it.

Foamrolling hit the nail on the head.

I am 30 years old and I honestly have never known a genuinely decent kind man.

People do not lie about who they are. They tell you, from one day, you just choose not to listen because that suits you at time.

I think this is the biggest pile of bullshit I've ever seen on here.

Plenty of people in real life hide their true selves exceptionally well. Plenty hide their cheating, manipulative sides for years. Plenty of people are devious and deceitful for long enough to get their feet under the table. To believe otherwise when faced with evidence on this exact thread is ignorant in the extreme.