AIBU pregnancy with an unsuitable man ALL over this site

[SiriusBlack94]

It amazes me that EVERY day there are multiple posts with...

My DH is so lazy —— I’m 30 weeks pregnant
My DH is a narcissist how can I leave him —- I have a baby on the way
I don’t love my DH anymore - but I’m 28 weeks pregnant
DH drinking all the time/doing drugs/ controlling/ doesn’t help around the house —- but I’m pregnant.

Like seriously. Why are women so casual about getting pregnant with men that aren’t suited to them or who they aren’t in a loving relationship with. I know in some cases a man can turn abusive during pregnancy but in the majority of cases it’s things like ‘my DH drinks 4 times a week’ or ‘my DH never helps around the house’ which you would’ve KNOWN but still got pregnant.

I just don’t understand it and they are then tying themselves with often multiple children to these men.

@hearhoovesthinkzebras

Oh I agree - I do think it applies to both sexes as men do the same as I mentioned. But society judges differently. I absolutely do not think that instincts can be used as an excuse to behave unacceptably, merely that it can be a factor to varying degress.

LolaSmiles I'm sure it makes people feel great to cheerlead behind a screen, but I'd bet the outcome of "just have a baby" is very rarely a loving DP who does their fair share in the house, financial security and long term stability.

I agree with this. It drives me mad how people will merrily encourage others into perilous situations, just to be nice on the internet.

This is a really interesting thread. I think another factor is how completely and fundamentally women change, during pregnancy, birth and afterwards, and forever. Men just don't change in this way, can't fathom the sacrifices that need to be made, or rather see them as sacrifices rather than things they are more than happy to do.

Not all of these women are saints who got with hard-drinking party animals they have nothing in common with before pregnancy are they? They might even have shared the same interests perhaps, or even been just as lazy....but then afterwards, not so much! Because a clean house now matters, being sober now matters. All that crap is over for you, but they are just the same. They haven't been changed at this molecular level.
A lot of men say their wife is just 'not the same' as she was when they met, as if it's right and proper to be the same knob at 50 as you were at 20. But to a woman who has had this transformative experience that the man can never have...that attitude is just pathetic. Neither side can possibly understand the other and from each of their perspectives they are both right.

It also doesn't help when posters on here make a virtue of not telling OPs to LTB, and say relationships need to be worked at. Just because he's being a lazy git, the OP shouldn't break the family up, she should try various strategies to get him to pull his weight, ignoring that the laziness shows the partner doesn't respect the OP, and he probably also shows other undesirable behaviours. There are a lot of posters, who minimise clearly abusive situations too, and tell the OP she shouldn't end her marriage on the say so of randoms on the internet.

I agree with this. It drives me mad how people will merrily encourage others into perilous situations, just to be nice on the internet
And to make it worse, start kicking the boot into people giving realistic advice with good intentions.
There's a certain school if thought that seems to pretend that feminism and sisterhood means automatic support for whatever a woman wants or does, which ironically can end up encouraging sometimes vulnerable women into situations that limit her opportunities and options.
It's easy to pat yourself on the back for being 'right on' and oh so supportive without having to deal with the consequences.
Eg.

OP: I've got a zero hours contract at the moment and I'm not entitled to statutory maternity pay. I'm doing a course one day a week to get a secure job. I'm not sure that my wages once I qualify will cover childcare so I'll probably stay at home for a couple of years as DP pays bills and mortgage (his house). DP a bit worried about how we will manage financially as I'll not be able to cover my part of the bills and he'll be sole breadwinner which concerns him as he does fixed term contract work and works away a lot.

Cool advice: Go for it. They are young for such a short period of time. They don't need lots of material things if they're loved. Instead of thinking about money, point out to your DP that you coming out if work to be a SAHP is actually saving him money because you're not paying for childcare.

Realistic advice: That's quite risky OP. You aren't on the deeds of the house and are making yourself hugely financially dependent on DP, which could also place stress on him if he isn't happy about being a sole earner. Ideally give it a year or so to get yourself established in your new job and keep your financial independence, or consider marriage to protect yourself.

Cool advice: ignore all the smug marrieds, not everyone's partner is an arsehole. We have 3 children and don't need marriage.

To the poster who moaned that women shouldn't have to vet men, of course they should. Men should vet women too. How else do you decide who to date/marry?

And to make it worse, start kicking the boot into people giving realistic advice with good intentions.

One poster told me I was boring and must 'be fun at parties' because I told an op to look at all the implications of moving in with a man, where the house is in his name only and giving up work to be sahm. I said that I did the same, looked at legal implications before do moved into my house. Apparantly being aware of your rights regarding your relationship situation and housing and advising other women to do the same, makes someone boring. 🤷‍♀️

Scarsthelot It's quite upsetting when you think about it. Women encouraging other women to be naïve and to remain poorly informed.

I don't understand women who actively advocate fellow women remaining poorly informed on the grounds of "I did X and it's fine".

I do think some couples are lax with contraception and then wonder how they got pregnant??? That baffles me.

Given that even two twenty somethings with no fertility issues have a 25% risk per cycle and that drops through the years 5% (I think) at 40 (for female partner), I can actually understand how people have unprotected sex, don't get pregnant a few times and get complacent.
What they are not realising is that the odds (as opposed to risk per cycle) are climbing every time they do it

But given the fact that on many a fertility thread on here, many many posters to not understand risk (per cycle) Vs odds/probability (over several months) it's hardly surprising.

Spot on, Lola.

Some people (me included with DS1) don't wake up to how much of a total asshole their partner is until they are biologically driven to care and protect someone else then BAM the things that have been obvious to everyone else become clear

Plus deep down, I still don’t really believe I deserve more
you do deserve more and I hope that you come to see this soon Mummadeeze

It's quite upsetting when you think about it. Women encouraging other women to be naïve and to remain poorly informed.

Also I got 'I bet you are one of those people who read your employment contract too'

Umm yes! It's very unsettleing to see women, being encouraged by women to remain ill informed.

And dont start me on the 'marriage is only a piece of paper' posters that support unmarried women giving up their careers and homes with no other legal protection in place.

@doublebarrellednurse that happens. But OP is talking about people who post about their dps/dh and then continue and have kids or more kids. Those posters are fully aware before hand.

And dont start me on the 'marriage is only a piece of paper' posters that support unmarried women giving up their careers and homes with no other legal protection in place
That one also annoys me
It's funny that men with lots of assets through to no assets know fine well that marriage is a legal contract with benefits and responsibilities.

It's when those women who claim marriage is just a piece of paper and encourage women to make themselves vulnerable in light of it also seem to want the benefits from the marriage contract (emg. You should get rights after living together a year). Essentially they want to prevent people from cohabiting and making a decision whether to actively enter a contract or not in order to confer legal rights associated with a legal contract that is meaningless and just a piece of paper.
The mental gymnastics and lack of logic is hilarious.

We should be encouraging each other to be informed and make informed decisions for our individual circumstances, not unconditionally patting each other on the back or claiming we're passive victims of circumstance.

@GilbertMarkham people putting out statistics like that are part of the problem.

There are women like me who while over 40 got pregnant at the drop of a hat and other women who are in their 20s who have great difficulty.

People automatically presume they are like everyone else when in fact, like I was taught at school, women regardless of age should be reminded it can just take the once so always use contraception.

Mummadeeze you are deserving of equal love and happiness We are all of us human and flawed. You say you were obsessed with Dp but now realise he is not behaving fairly as a partner or a father. Can you take steps towards leaving the relationship and kissing goodbye to living with the mutual resentment and hostility? Your child will be forever grateful that you closed that door firmly to life as a miserable and angry parents. children do suffer living with that level of resentment and misery. As one poster says, like other women, you are transforming and learning through your pregnancy and parenting experiences, and although you have deep emotional scars from childhood, you have have incredible strength too. You mention how your experiences in childhood may have shaped you, yet there seems to be a change, as you are no longer desperate for your partner's love.
Through necessity you are taking the lions share of the parenting role and you should be very proud of what a great parent and person that you have become. Sending you every best wish for continued focusing on gradually building a great life as a wonderful Mum and person xo

@ColaFreezePop

Sorry but you've completely missed my point - which was that when people don't get "caught" from.unprotected sex, they get complacent and continue having it. It's extremely foolish and irresponsible but nonetheless I understand the rather basic "duh" human thinking behind their behaviour.

(On the stats front, certainly while some twenty somethings will have fertility issues and some forty something's will fall pregnant with the ease of a "teenager at their high school dance" as one poster on here comically put it; the general trend for the majority is that the risk per cycle is gradually dropping, and it will take longer to get pregnant (though over two yrs most women under 40 will get pregnant). Stats can often only refer to overall, average, typical scenarios.

Back on the main topic, I think some women don't want to have an only child and so go ahead and have a second to provide a sibling for their first - in spite of knowing the dad can be a bit useless of whatever. They're thinking about all the perceived negatives for an only child and feel they should.

They probably don't want to break up/divorce, try to find a new partner, try to build up a relationship to the point of having a child, have half sibling for their existing child instead of a full one etc. That's seen as a harder, more complicated, and even riskier scenario than just muddling through with existing useless dp.

When it comes to third and more children though, I'm (even more) bamboozled.

@GilbertMarkham

That's such poor reasoning, though. Ideally, every child should be brought into the world with both parents wanting them and being ready and willing to get stuck in. A child shouldn't be conceived purely to be a sister/brother to child a.

There shouldn't be a stigma surrounding having an only child. If the woman's partner is totally useless, having two children with him is cruel. At least if she sticks with one, the effort he might put in will be solely on that one child. There's a big difference between a dad seeing his kids EOW and seeing one child, or splitting this already short time between two.

Having one child really isn't a right. But even less so is having two, three or more. Sure, some will argue- how is it fair I only have one child or no children with my partner because he's lazy? But really the answer is to find a better partner if he's already shit before kids. Or, don't subject more children to his shit parenting, which will impact them later on in life.

My mum basically stayed with my dad to give me a sister. The resulting divorce then meant I sided with my father who’d not wanted to be given a second daughter and went on and on about how much better my life would have been had X not been born. Of course I then had no relationship with the sibling tyat was born to make me happy. And she has nothing to do with any of the circus.

Inliverpool1 that's pretty horrible of your dad too.

GilbertMarkham
What's worse is there are women out there who actively encourage that thinking.

There's been multiple times I've seen threads on here about having another child with a fairly useless partner or a less than engaged dad and there's people telling women that they should have another baby with him because then at least she'll have her two children and they'll be full siblings instead of half.. Or having them close together means that she can get a job quicker. Or saying it's fine if the house is already crowded to have another one as babies don't take up much space and they can share (whilst other threads show people bashing non resident parents for not having a spare bedroom for each child to have their own room every other weekend).

It's just another version of "do whatever will make you happy in the short term and we'll pay you on the back whilst never living with the consequences".

I'm sure it feels good behind a screen, but the reality is less fun if 3 years later a woman ends up with 2/3 children by a useless father, ends up out of work longer than planned due to not being able to afford childcare, she's struggling to get a job and not having financial independence means although the relationship is unhappy rather than abusive, she'll not leave as she can't afford to set up alone. For the keyboard cheerleaders that's all by the by because at least she's had a baby to give baby 1 a sibling.