AIBU pregnancy with an unsuitable man ALL over this site

[SiriusBlack94]

It amazes me that EVERY day there are multiple posts with...

My DH is so lazy —— I’m 30 weeks pregnant
My DH is a narcissist how can I leave him —- I have a baby on the way
I don’t love my DH anymore - but I’m 28 weeks pregnant
DH drinking all the time/doing drugs/ controlling/ doesn’t help around the house —- but I’m pregnant.

Like seriously. Why are women so casual about getting pregnant with men that aren’t suited to them or who they aren’t in a loving relationship with. I know in some cases a man can turn abusive during pregnancy but in the majority of cases it’s things like ‘my DH drinks 4 times a week’ or ‘my DH never helps around the house’ which you would’ve KNOWN but still got pregnant.

I just don’t understand it and they are then tying themselves with often multiple children to these men.

It's quite upsetting when you think about it. Women encouraging other women to be naïve and to remain poorly informed.
The problem is many women who are poorly informed don't actually realise they are.

The way they live and the standard of relationships they have had, are normal to them.

They aren't necessarily opposed to scrimping and struggling, so if they don't know any better , they can't advice any better.

The cycle will e of low standards is generational.

I have a colleague who got pregnant at 14...as did her DM..and her GM.. it was perfectly fine and acceptable.

Sad...but true.

They aren't necessarily opposed to scrimping and struggling, so if they don't know any better , they can't advice any better.
I see what you mean there. I can understand some poor advice given in that situation.

I still can't understand the bitchyness towards people who have got themselves well informed though. Sometimes I think it's a bit of a defence mechanism, because why else would anyone be so against other women sharing information that allows other women to make an informed decision?

More often than not you get a lot of women saying "here are the facts... I chose not to marry when cohabiting because it's not in my interests to and DP and I want to ensure our respective children inherit... Before giving up work and living in his house, look at your rights/lack of rights, be careful here... Check your maternity pay if you're planning two pregnancies close together... If you're thinking of not returning to work then check your occupation maternity pay... This could work for you .. this might not work for you... This is a red flag... Have you considered... Whatever you do make sure it is an informed decision", and then a couple of posters saying "ignore the smug marrieds, if you want a baby then have a baby, all they need is love".

The problem is many women who are poorly informed don't actually realise they are.

Or often, do not want to accept it; that 'DP' in meaningless in the eyes of the law if you are not married or have a civil partnership. 'Take him to the cleaners!' well, you can rarely accomplish that if you have been married for many years, but no way if you have not been. 'Gone PT, quit work to stay at home with DP.' 'You are doing the best for your baba! Don't listen to the smug marrieds!'

And yy to Gilbert's posts. Easier to get your two or more with the same sperm donor. Tons, too, having the second or more with the partner who's already proven he's shit with his other children.

Not a week goes by without these shit 'partners' someone has sprogged with despite his shit track record so I don't buy that all women are victims.

A lot of the issue, too, is that no one has a boyfriend anymore. Five minutes in, never living together, long-distance, guy's a negging, abusive cunt and he's identified as 'DP'

The problem is many women who are poorly informed don't actually realise they are.

I don't buy that, well at least for the vast majority.

This will be on threads talking about the specific issue. Usually threads where women want unmarried couples living together to have the same financial rights as a couple.

The information will be right there. And they are still encouraging women down this path. If they choose to ignore the information the that's their problem and in all likelihood they have known the Information for a good while and chosen to ignore it.

On threads calling for common law marriage to be recognised, people moan that no one tells women about what not being married means, I bet plenty of them have been told. And we have Google.

The thread where I was called a kill joy, for understand the legal implications of dp moving in, before he did, was where the OP of a thread calling for common law marriage to be introduced. She knew full well the lack of protection unmarried sahms, who live in a property, not in their name have. She also said it was boring to read you employment contract. It was the OP, who started the thread that said it. She wanted a change to law but scoffed at the idea of women educating themselves.

People do this, imo, for 2 reasons. They made certain choices and have to be insistent it's the superior choice, whilst knowing they are in a shit situation. Or they just love the whole 'go for it hun' social media bullshit and dont really give a fuck about the consequences as they wont deal with them. I think very few of them genuinely think it will be all fine for the OP cause it has, so far, for them. Or that they didnt know about their lack of rights.

Besides which, encouraging women to remain uneducated is a shitty thing to do. Whatever, your reasons.

OP, you’re not wrong. There’s a current thread where a woman wants a third and her husband, who is half arsed at best, doesn’t. Multiple posters advising she has an ‘accident’. Thank god the OP has her brain switched on and isn’t completely duplicitous, but the people who would advocate an accident I suspect are a good cohort of the kind of people who would have a second of third child just cause they wanted even though the partner has been a deadshit since the beginning, then whinge about it later.

YANBU OP

Frustrating on here and real life.

I'm often so dismayed by women who have a baby in no time at all after meeting a man - they can't possibly know them properly - I know as women get older there is more of a sense of urgency but I'm talking women in their 20's here.

I have a family member who has a baby with every man she meets. She now has a string of dickhead exes she has to deal with and troubled kids. Every new man is fabulous and amazing - until they're not.

I'm also dubious about the amount of contraception fails - although that's also a hugely unpopular thing to say on here. Usually means 'didn't bother to take it properly' or didn't bother at all hoping there would be an 'accident'.

So much blaming of women. How about men stop being so fucking shit?

@Juliette20 as people have said, of course men are to blame for their own behaviour. But that doesnt meam any woman has to choose to put up with it.

The fact that some men think ita ok to be dicks, is an entirely different thread.

You cant make people act how you want them to. You can choose how you deal with it. IE not getting in a relationships with them and not having kids with them.

Again, not talking about abuse that appears further down the line. Talking about women who know exactly what their partners are like and still continue the relationship and have kids or more kids.

The 3 thing's that helped me avoid terrible relationships were having a bullying older brother, being financially independent ( and having a good career) and not being particularly interested in having kids. These combined meant if i judged how i felt in a relationship, and I was best off on my own, then I would split. I was also highly motivated to not be pregnant. My brother wasn't abusive, but he gave me a taste of how shit (some) men can be, how much physical power can dominate the dynamic (even in a small/ slight man) and how manipulation can be used. I was relieved when he went to university, and looking back it helped me decide ' sod that, I can see where this is going and it's not going to get better' an get out of several relationships.

TorchesTorches its funny you should say that. My situation is different.

I had a fairly abusive childhood and got with a man, who looking back was abusive. Married him and left him when I was 34 when I started to realise that being controlled wasnt normal.

But the one thing I wouldnt do was give up my financial independence. That was my red line, exh knew that was the one thing that would make me leave, if he attempted to stop me working.

The reason, was that mum married several times, gave up work, marriages ended and we ended up piss poor. When I did leave, having financial independence made things much easier.

Sometimes negative experiences in childhood actually help. I wish I had as much foresight as you though.

I was pondering this question only the other day. When I got together with XP, I remember saying 'it's a shame we can't have a child together' (I am WAAAAY too old, that ship has sailed, he has no children). Now, if I'd been twenty years younger, I may well have gone for it within those first two years.

We split because his ASD is worsening with age, he is inflexible, incapable of change, and distressed by anything that affects his 'routine'. He didn't even know he was on the spectrum when we got together (despite being over 50). I asked him to get assessed, and he did.

If we'd had a baby during those first two years, I would now have a DP who is incapable of dealing with the needs of a child and is a frustrated and distant parent. But rose tinted glasses, him masking his condition and those loved-up hormones could have caused a complete disaster!

So much blaming of women. How about men stop being so fucking shit?

We are still responsible as well.

I could easily get pregnant now, and end up having to look after a child, do the majority of the housework myself and do a stressful full time job, oh and look after the pets. Because I know my partner is nowhere near mentally ready for a baby. I'm not either, I don't think I even want children. But I'm certainly not having one with someone I have to keep nagging to do housework.

He won't remember things or notice very obvious mess (it's apparently not obvious, not sure how when he has better eyesight than me), but I am not getting myself into a situation I see countless women on here doing. I'm not wasting my life looking after two babies hoping that one of them grows up at some point. And I imagine the actual baby would beat the man in that race!

He wants kids eventually so he has been told unless he pulls his finger out and actually does chores without being told, that will never ever happen. His choice, he can learn or be lazy, but he will not get children by being lazy.

So much blaming of women. How about men stop being so fucking shit?
Deliberately conflating 'women are responsible for their actions' with 'blaming women for male behaviour' is often done to minimise female agency.

Women are NOT responsible for the behaviour and actions of men.

Women ARE responsible for THEIR actions and choices.

It's a dangerous view to take if we start suggesting women lack agency, aren't capable of being responsible for their actions, are passive victims of circumstance and they have no responsibility or agency in their relationships and reproductive choices.

There are situations linked to abuse that are more complex and only an arse would say otherwise, but general garden variety relationships with normal people we all have agency.

I didn’t find out what a vile abusive bastard my ex husband rally was until a god few months after our baby was born - and by then I was trapped, isolated in another country. It still took me many years and the help of a professional after that to see what he really is. He successfully convinced a judge and social services what a great upstanding guy he is.

You’ll have probably known some in your time but we’re fortunate enough to not get close enough to find out what they’re really like - usually once you’re hooked in.

That's awful isitpossibleto

I think what a lot of people have been saying on this thread though is that some men change after pregnancy and some men are abusive, but there's still a group of men who aren't great and people still go there.

Eg. DP has always loved gaming / the gym / their hobby. They've always been a bit obsessive about it and go away every other month for it. Now I'm annoyed that they are still obsessive about it when I'm 35 weeks pregnant and they want to book a weekend away when baby will be 16 weeks old. (Conversation about expectations should have happened long before this point)
E.g DP is lovely but a bit rubbish around the house. They do muck in but have a different threshold to me for mess and they don't expect me to be their maid, but it annoys me. This has been the case for 3 years. Now I'm feeling put upon because we have a 6 month old baby and he still isn't any better around the house (discussion about household expectations was needed rather than accepting it and going change happened)

Some women actively choose to reproduce with substandard men who don't deserve to breed and whose genes should die out. But hey. Adult women make their own choices. You see what's in front of you. What you do with it is up to you.

Thankfully the sisterhood is a thing and hopefully women will be there to catch you and help you and get you outta there when you're ready and willing.

I think it is interesting how those "unsuitable" men are described by some posters.

There is nothing inherently wrong with preferring to do some hobby instead of taking care of a child or rather not cleaning up the place diligently or being the same "knob" still.

It feels like there is this attitude that men should "grow up" and perform, because that is what a broody women wants.

There is nothing inherently wrong with preferring to do some hobby instead of taking care of a child or rather not cleaning up the place diligently or being the same "knob" still.

Well there is if you've had a kid. You can't just ignore it. But yes you can just not have kids and prefer doing hobbies, that's fine. I am like that right now, no intention of having kids.

But chores do need done around the house. You can't just go forever without washing dishes or clothes. And that isn't just for the woman to do, the man uses those things too. Ive told my partner I don't care how long he spends playing games, but do the chores first. Once the house is tidy, got plenty of time to do what you want then. Not sit around in a dirty house doing nothing but making it worse and then pretending to help when I get home. That's not on.

There is nothing inherently wrong with preferring to do some hobby instead of taking care of a child or rather not cleaning up the place diligently or being the same "knob" still.
There's preferring to do a hobby and then there's not pulling your weight. If people don't pull their weight before a baby then it's probably a sign they won't pull their weight after.

Right now I would prefer to be at the gym, but I'm sat with a colicy baby who wants to cluster feed. Yesterday evening DH would have preferred to be out at his sports club, but he was at home parenting his child allowing me to have a nap.

People can still have hobbies and interests when they have children, but in fair relationships the time is shared equitably.

Unless of course you believe that broody woman wants a baby so the man should get his chill out man time from his terribly important job.

There is nothing inherently wrong with preferring to do some hobby instead of taking care of a child

Most of us would prefer to do a fun hobby rather than change a shitty nappy or walk round for hours with a colicky screaming baby. And there is nothing wrong with saying "I don't want children." But once the child is here and therefore dependent on you, its parents, there is a lot wrong with opting out of caring for it.

I think there's a disappointingly large number of men who think that childcare basically is women's hobby, and women just get some inherent joy out of doing all the boring grunt work of parenting, therefore why shouldn't they be able to spend 5 nights a week and half the weekend out doing their hobby while their partner is at home doing her baby-hobby, fair's fair! And that isn't always as obvious as it could/should be to the women settling down to have babies with them.

Sorry, what I said was prone to misunderstandings.

What I meant is that a man is neither "substandard" nor a "knob", because he does not want to "grow up" and fulfill the wish for a child of a woman. Just don't move in with them or have babies with them, simple.

If you persuade or push your partner to have a child and it does not work out, you take part of the blame.

Large number of men who think that childcare is basically women's hobby
And they would think that wouldn't they
It is very much to their advantage to frame childcare in this way, because then women can be framed as a group of people who are quite happy to do all the boring drudgery

You are a knob if you have a child that is dependent on you and you can't be arsed to care for it. Even if you were 'persuaded' into having the child in the first place. Once it's here you can't say "sorry, little Timmy, I went along with what my partner wanted to conceive you so it's not my fault I can't be arsed to feed you breakfast now."

indeed, UYScuti