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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not foot the bill?

167 replies

WillowB · 11/01/2020 10:31

So DH is 40 in a couple of months. Doesn't want a party but I want to mark it in some way.
My thoughts are to book a table at our local pub for around 10-12 close family members and surprise him with a birthday meal/cake/balloons etc.
I was telling my mum about my plans & she said 'ooh that will end up costing you more than a party' she thinks everyone would expect me to get pay the bill
I was thinking everyone would pay their own share. I'm happy to buy some drinks but can't afford to pay for a meal for 12 people as I'm not working at the moment.
Will I look tight if I don't pay the bill? If so I might have to rethink!

OP posts:

Ponoka7 · 11/01/2020 10:33

You'll have to put it that your having a meal for his Birthday and people can join you. If you invite people then you pay.

I'd be happy to pay for my own share, but not everyone would, unless stated in advance.

TheRealShatParp · 11/01/2020 10:34

I wouldn’t expect a meal to be paid for in that situation. I guess you just need to be mindful of how you word the invites.

Hoppinggreen · 11/01/2020 10:35

As long as it’s not a surprise when the bill arrives I think it’s fine.
I did it for my 30th, I arranged a set price menu and made it very clear to the invitees (I covered most drinks)
Nobody had a problem with it

Chocolatemouse84 · 11/01/2020 10:36

I wouldn't mind paying for myself but you have to make it clear when you invite people in case they presume you will be paying. So maybe an invite with menu and prices attached, saying you need so much for deposit at time of booking.

MamaGee09 · 11/01/2020 10:36

If you invite people then I would expect to have to pay, if you say you are going out for dinner and they are welcome to join you then I would expect them to pay their share. It’s all in the wording,

SproutMuncher · 11/01/2020 10:36

I would always expect an invitation to a meal in a restaurant would be everyone pays for themselves, and we tend to all chip in for the person whose birthday it is as well.

Quite a few on MN seem to expect to be paid for if invited to a restaurant though (which astonishes me, but everyone is different) so maybe be clear on the invitation.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 11/01/2020 10:36

I would expect to pay for my own dinner however I would make sure that people know before hand.

fedup21 · 11/01/2020 10:36

I certainly wouldn’t expect anyone to foot the bill for something like this. I would be (and would expect others to be if the situation was reversed) totally clear about who is paying though, in the invitation.

Babymamamama · 11/01/2020 10:36

Be absolutely clear upfront that all need to pay for their own meal. I wouldn't do it though. I would rather invite the number of people I could actually afford to pay for. As a minimum maybe you should pay the drinks bill?

Rosehip345 · 11/01/2020 10:37

Just make it very clear. I think it’s depend on the people going as to whether they’d expect it to be paid for

user1493413286 · 11/01/2020 10:37

I wouldn’t expect it to be paid for. It might be easier in that scenario to do a set menu and then you can send people the price of that when you invite them

Chickenlady25 · 11/01/2020 10:38

I would absolutely expect to pay my share for this kind of event. If you're concerned maybe just mention it to the people you invite in a casual way - "oh someone mentioned people might not know what was happening with the bill, just wanted to check everyone is happy to pay for themselves - I'll supply cake!"

Xyzzzzz · 11/01/2020 10:39

I’d make it clear to people they have to pay or look for a place with a set menu and state the price.

Original poster

WillowB · 11/01/2020 10:40

I wasn't planning on sending invites as such just word of mouth 'I'm booking a table at x for DHs birthday if you would like to join us'

I can just be upfront to my parents & brother but not sure how I would make it clear the my in-laws!

DHs nephew had invited us & other family out for a curry to celebrate his 30th there's no way I'd expect him to pay for us all!

OP posts:

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 11/01/2020 10:41

Etiquette says if you invite, you pay...

But usually, if you say, would you like to join us - here's the menu and prices then all should be fine.

Having said that... There was an cousins birthday I would have gone on... But amazingly expensive restaurant... Think 300£ per head.... We didn't go...

Or... You just do stuff at home... Of there are people who you'd like to come who you think may not come because of cost... You can get an awful lot of nice food from aldi/lidl for the per head price of meal out...

aNonnyMouse1511 · 11/01/2020 10:41

I have never been invited to a surprise meal and expected the inviter to pay for me!

aNonnyMouse1511 · 11/01/2020 10:43

How about ‘I thought it would be nice if we could all get together for DH’s birthday for a nice meal, but keep it a surprise for him? I’m takin king about x place. They do a set menu for £x pp, is that within your budget? I understand if not’

mrsm43s · 11/01/2020 10:43

You invite, you pay - especially when it's a celebration.

It would be normal for the host to pay in that situation.

Obviously, you don't have to, as long as you tell people in advance, but it would be quite unusual in my circle, and seen as rather tight/rude.

Perhaps instead of a meal, you could just reserve an area of the pub for drinks, and just put on (and pay for) some bar snacks and a few bottles of wine. Anyone wanting expensive spirits etc could buy their own from the bar. Or invite people to yours for drinks and nibbles.

GooodMythicalMorning · 11/01/2020 10:43

I wouldn't expect anyone to pay for a meal out ever. I assume I'm paying always and then if someone else pays it's a nice surprise. (eg mum and step dad paid for birthday meal but I didnt expect them to)

Original poster

WillowB · 11/01/2020 10:43

Hmm it seems most of you wouldn't expect to pay. I think my mum threw me but that's because they organised a huge bash for my dads 50th at a nice restaurant and paid for everyone!

OP posts:

JustaScratch · 11/01/2020 10:43

I agree be really clear with people - if you're planning to buy some drinks just say, "we'd love for you to join us and we'd like to offer to pay for the first couple of rounds of drinks (or whatever)" which makes it clear that you're not offering to pay for everything. I've never expected the host to pay for dinner but sometimes it has happened so better to be upfront. Have a lovely time!

schoolrummum · 11/01/2020 10:44

I don't know where people get the idea that if you go out for a meal they wouldn't have to pay. I have been to several 40th birthday meals (surprises/invited) and didn't assume anyone was paying for my meal but me. It wasn't an issue. Maybe a way to reassure yourself that people are clear is to send a link to the menu with the invite and highlight the cost (ie 'foods great and not too expensive') it's a meal not a party so the rules are different, to me anyway.

Rezie · 11/01/2020 10:44

This is one if those that is dependant on your social circle. If someone invited us to a pub meal we would expect to pay our own and we would split the bill for the birthdayperson. In return eh birthday person would likely buy a round of drinks or something. But I definately know social circles where the birthday person is expected to pay.

Minky35 · 11/01/2020 10:45

You need to make it clear to everyone or else is has the potential to go wrong. Maybe send texts? although the idea from a PP of menu and prices is good.

stardust40 · 11/01/2020 10:48

We do this regularly for family birthdays and everyone pays!! Would never expect someone else to pay for us!

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