To not foot the bill?

[WillowB]

So DH is 40 in a couple of months. Doesn't want a party but I want to mark it in some way.
My thoughts are to book a table at our local pub for around 10-12 close family members and surprise him with a birthday meal/cake/balloons etc.
I was telling my mum about my plans & she said 'ooh that will end up costing you more than a party' she thinks everyone would expect me to get pay the bill
I was thinking everyone would pay their own share. I'm happy to buy some drinks but can't afford to pay for a meal for 12 people as I'm not working at the moment.
Will I look tight if I don't pay the bill? If so I might have to rethink!

You invite them for a birthday then you pay

Etiquette grin says if you invite, you pay...

Etiquette certainly doesn't dictate this. I've never been invited for a meal out to celebrate someone's birthday and expected them to pay for me. I'm in the UK, by the way, in case you think I'm from somewhere where things are done differently.

You invite, you pay - especially when it's a celebration.
This doesn't happen at all IME. If someone says 'I'm booking a table at x place for my birthday on Saturday' I'd always assume everyone was paying. And covering the birthday person's bill too. The idea of the birthday person paying the bill for everyone in a restaurant is bizarre to me.

But if you think people you know might take the piss misconstrue the invitation, be very careful how you word it.

@donquixotedelamancha

In a Leeds council estate, in the 60s, it would be the norm to pay for everyone if you went out for a restaurant meal? That is surprising.

I am a similar age to the poster who said this and I was brought up on a council estate in the London area. If my parents invited anyone to a restaurant for a meal, they certainly expected to pay for their 'guests'. Not saying it happened often, but for a significant event, a restaurant would be booked and the meal paid for by my parents. Dh and I, whilst better off than my parents, are still not 'wealthy upper middle class' as someone suggested, but we still expect that if we invite people for a meal to celebrate, we pay. My dcs do the same. Casual meals out, or 'non celebration ' related meals out are different, we each pay our own way. For the record, I don't expect to be paid for when invited out, but it's the way our family works.
OP, given the range of opinions here, I think it's fine to invite people and expect them to pay their own way, as long as you make it clear that this is what's expected.

Thanks for the opinions. I think I'm going to go ahead with it but send a text along the lines of
'As you know it's DHs birthday soon. I'm going to book a table at x on x date. We'd love if you could join us (as much as I'd love to treat everyone, I'm not working at the moment so I'll provide the champers & cake!)
If you could let me know by x date that would be great'.

Does that sound ok?

I’d expect you to pay for it. 12 people for pub food doesn’t sound expensive. But I’ve only eaten in a pub a couple of times. How much would it cost?

I wouldn’t expect to pay but in that situation I have paid for everyone to come so I think you do need to make it clear.

as much as I'd love to treat everyone, I'm not working at the moment so I'll provide the champers & cake!
I wouldn't say this. IMO/IME it doesn't need justifying. But if you need to spell out for your family and friends that you're not paying, maybe 'As you know it's DHs birthday soon. I'm going to book a table at x on x date. We'd love if you could join us. Here's the pub website so you can get an idea of menu and prices. If you could let me know by x date that would be great.'

I think that sounds ok! But I’d say I’ll provide the fizz and the cake incase anyone is expecting you to cough up for the bolly!

I don’t agree that it’s an upper class thing to pay to pay for everyone. I think it depends on financial circumstances. Not class.

In my extended family (definitely not upper or upper middle class) the expectation is that if you invite people to a celebratory meal then you pay. When my DD1 was 18 last year she had a party at home for friends. And a meal in a restaurant for her extended family (aunts, uncles, grandparents). There was no question of me not paying for it all. My family are warm, generous people. No cheeky fuckery. But no-one offered to pay and I’ve have been surprised if they had.

I don’t think it is ‘rude’ or ‘mean’ if you don’t pay. But I do think you would need to make it clear in advance. You won’t create bad feeling by being straight about it. But you will create bad feeling if people are taken by surprise.

If you feel uneasy telling your in-laws in advance they have to pay just think how much worse you will feel when the bill comes and you have to ask them then!

So, whilst it is not my experience to pay for a meal in these circumstances, I think it’s fine for you to arrange it like that. But you definitely need to make it clear.

the champers & cake!

cheaper to buy the food than champagne surely? Even if the restaurant has corkage it would be £30 to buy and £10 corkage (minimum). To buy in a restaurant upwards of £60 a bottle- allow half bottle per person minimum?

You invite, you pay

What utter tosh.

I've invited people to loads of birthday meals, drinks, events and nobody has ever said been surprised when the bill came, the calculator comes out and we work out what everybody owes. Nobody has EVER said, 'I thought you were paying as you invited me'.

If this were the case most restaurants in the Uk would have very little business.

I'd go somewhere in between OP's and this: (my addition unbolded)

'As you know it's DHs birthday soon. I'm going to book a table at x on x date. We'd love if you could join us. Here's the pub website so you can get an idea of menu and prices. If you could let me know by x date that would be great.' Cake and champagne are on me!

Champers and a cake? Like a party? Which he doesn't want? Am I the only one? If I am that's fine, I'm used to it.

Leave out the 'I'd love to treat everyone but I'm not working at the moment' as it's a bit cringe (well meant though!). Just say 'and the fizz and cake is on me', so that people know what the expectations are.

I invited close friends for a meal for my 40th no one expected me to pay for it!

Depends what's done in your social circle. If I paid for your meal at my party, I'd expect for you to do the same for your party

In our circle of friends, if we were invited to a meal in a restaurant to celebrate someone's birthday we would all pay for ourselves and chip in for the birthday friend. There are a variety of income levels between our friends.

A few of our friends love to hold a party at home and when food is involved we all bring a plate to share.

It's very rare that someone would foot the whole bill.

@whatinthenameofhalloween.

There's a world of difference between marking the occasion with a small familymeal - very close family i.e his children, parents & siblings than having a big party. This to us would mean hiring a bar/venue with a DJ, lots of booze, buffet & guest list of 60+ people.
I think we have different ideas of what a 'party' entails. I think he would be really disappointed if I didn't mark it at all.

Have you checked how much the champagne is at the restaurant you are going to? It really will set your back quite a bit. You will need 6 bottles if you have 12 adults drinking. And don’t say in your text that the cake is on you (it would be anyway and looks a bit silly). If your budget is such that you are looking to provide just a glass of fizzy wine per person, that’s a nice touch. But not something to put them on notice about in advance as it will just raise expectations.

I would just text and say you would love them to join you to celebrate DH’s birthday. I’d say ‘this isn’t DH’s present so this will be a case of everyone paying for themselves. Hope you can make it..,.”

In my family we often pay for our own meals at family celebrations, though sometimes one person will pay for the wine. As long as the arrangements are clear and people know the approximate cost I personally would think it is OK. If you do go ahead decide how the bill will be split in advance to avoid any embarrassing arguments at the end.

We clearly do see a difference and that's fine! So if you are sure, I think if you invite people you have to pay for them.

DS (sister) just had a do for a big zero birthday: nice small restaurant where we could have a whole room, invites said no presents and made clear people were all paying for their own meal, friend who was organising baked a cake for afters, DS bought wine for the whole table. We were able to decorate beforehand.

A good time was had by all. If DS had had to pay for everyone there's have been no party!

I would expect to pay for everyone to be honest, even saying "we'd love if you could join us" to me sounds like an invite! So I think you'll need to be very clear that you won't be paying. I think the suggestion upthread of something like "I thought it would be nice if we could all get together for DH’s birthday for a nice meal, but keep it a surprise for him? I’m takin king about x place. They do a set menu for £x pp, is that within your budget? I understand if not" is good - clear, polite and friendly.

don't you just risk that he will pay for everyone on the night?