To not foot the bill?

[WillowB]

So DH is 40 in a couple of months. Doesn't want a party but I want to mark it in some way.
My thoughts are to book a table at our local pub for around 10-12 close family members and surprise him with a birthday meal/cake/balloons etc.
I was telling my mum about my plans & she said 'ooh that will end up costing you more than a party' she thinks everyone would expect me to get pay the bill
I was thinking everyone would pay their own share. I'm happy to buy some drinks but can't afford to pay for a meal for 12 people as I'm not working at the moment.
Will I look tight if I don't pay the bill? If so I might have to rethink!

If money is tight OP then please don't put yourself into debt for the sake of a meal out. Why not make it a bring a dish at your home? You can provide drinks, (which will be much cheaper than pub prices) and ask people to contribute food. Will take a bit of organising so you don't end up with four pasta salads but a) will be cheaper for everyone, not just you, and b) everyone will have a better chance to socialise and celebrate than sitting around a table.

In a Leeds council estate, in the 60s, it would be the norm to pay for everyone if you went out for a restaurant meal? That is surprising.

Did you also grow up in a Leeds council estate in the 1960s?
If not how would you know?

I'm booking a table at x for DHs birthday if you would like to join us'

This would strongly suggest to me that you were offering to pay tbh.

I think you just have to make it clear that it's 'pay your own way'

I wouldn't invite people out for a meal for a birthday celebration and then not pay for them, and in my circle of friends that's how it's done. If we didn't want or couldn't go to such expense, then would do brunch at our house or something like that.

We used to do the thing where we went for a meal and everyone paid for themselves years and years ago when we were teenagers and obviously couldn't afford to pay for everyone.

However, I'd agree with all the pp that as long as you word it correctly, it is fine.

Did you also grow up in a Leeds council estate in the 1960s? If not how would you know?

Why would I be surprised if I knew already?

Take your pick, in my family a big birthday like 40 would be hosted and paid for while other smaller birthdays would be less people going and done on a more casual basis and people would pay for themselves. From the way you describe things your families might be quite similar. It would be a party but we are not fans of parties so do go for a meal but it is still hosted and paid for in the way a party would be. It boils down to the celebration, so for example we went for a meal for my 48th and everyone there paid for themselves, my parents had their 50th wedding anniversary and invited the whole family including niece/nephews etc and covered the whole bill.

Within my large family, if you invite someone for a meal, it means that you're paying for them, so you'd have to specify if that wasn't the case.

Think this is really specific to the people involved and neither way is right/wrong or rude, it's just what you're used to.

Yes, my parents pay for everyone at their birthday events but are so well off

I tend to host parties at home due to cost

Op,you need to make it clear at the point of invite. It doesn't matter what random strangers on mumsnet would do in this scenario, just be clear. If you're not working so basically expecting your husband to pay then it's important you don't set this up to be something that causes future problems.

And yeah yeah I know some people think it's family money before any one starts.

Why do you feel you have the right to ride roughshopod over his wishes? It sounds like a party in a restaurant, the bill would be the least of your worries if he turned round and walked out. He doesn;t want a party, respect his wishes. Anyone who embarrassed me in public with balloons etc would be wearing them, luckily my family know this!

I would be very surprised (happily so!) if someone paid for a meal for a whole group of people, but would never in a million years actually expect them to.

I would pay in these circumstances but if you make it clear in advance that you are not paying then that's ok
But consider carefully how your DH will react

I would always expect to pay for my own food in that situation and it wasn't until coming on MN that I realised some people did otherwise.

It also gets so awkward if it's a big group and trying to work out the bill, unless you stick to a set menu and make people buy their own drinks. Else someone orders wine for the table and expects it to be split etc.
So you need to tell people they are paying for themselves and work out how the bill will be split ahead of ordering to avoid all the hassle at the end.

You invite, you pay - especially when it's a celebration.

This is the norm in well-off circles. NOT in working class circles.

OP, just say that you're booking a table for DH's birthday, would you like to come? I'd love to be able to pay for everyone but can't so understand if you can't make it.x

In our family the person does the inviting and pays, with the exception of one person. She will send the menu with the invite and something like ‘here’s the prices so you are aware’.
It’s clear we pay for ourselves when we go out with her.

Within my social circle it differs between groups, so some work with the 'if we invite then we're paying' mindset, whereas another group have always been let's go out for a meal and every pays their own bill.

I'm happy with either, although if your guests would expect you to pay at their celebration then they should expect to pay at yours.

Consequently, those that have paid for you before could possibly be a bit miffed at expecting to pay for themselves.

IMHO, it's very individual, even within families, etc, so the only way to avoid embarrassment is to be very clear upfront.

I would rather know/tell people beforehand, as it may be that people can't really afford it but think you're paying so will have a shock when the bill comes and wouldn't have said yes to coming if they'd known.

Personally, if I now invited people for a meal to surprise DH for his birthday, I'd expect to pay for everyone, especially if it was family.

OTOH, we have had years previously where we've wanted to celebrate, but wouldn't have been able to pay for everyone, but we've then said on the invite, something along the lines of we're eating at X to celebrate Y's birthday, if you want you're welcome to join us but will have to cover your share of the bill.

Hope you get it sorted.

Agree don't just invite people, it can mislead. And cause bad feeling when the bill comes.

We have always paid when we invite people for a birthday meal and we have always been paid for when others have invited, although I've always offered, I just don't think you can get to thr end of the meal, ask for the bill then say, right everyone that's fifty quid each. If people know they are paying they may order differently, have less courses, and others may object to an even split if they add something cheap whilst others had the fillet steak.

I'd just get them all in a whatsapp chat/texts and explain that unfortunately I couldn't afford to pay for everyone but really want to give him a little celebration so would love them to come along. There will be cake!

Just say you’re booking a table at said restaurant And if they want to join you to let you know and post the menu so people can see the prices . I did this for my 50 th and had no problems and a lovely night 😀

My step Dad did this for my Mum's 60th birthday and paid for all the food and drinks (the meal was a three course set menu and after desserts he told everyone we were going back to our house for the birthday cake and tea/coffee so that prevented anyone deciding to drag it out and up the bill by ordering more drinks).

You need to make it 100% clear that you are not paying for anything as it will be really embarrassing if some people haven't bought any money/can't afford to pay because they thought you were.

10- 12 is a small number, why dont you just have something at home. I'm in the 'if you invite you pay'. This is a milestone birthday and I wouldnt expect close family to pay.
Your dh might appreciate it much more as he wanted something low key and being home would be more comfortable for him.
It's very easy to cater for that small number.

^ if I was invited that way I'd like it more than if everything was paid for for me to be honest! Big pressure to eat everything if I didn't like it etc! Drinks situation would be awkward. I'd relax a lot more if I was ordering and paying for myself.

In my family people would never go out if you were expected to pay for a table full of hungry people each time you sent out an invite! Not something people can afford in my circles and we are not in poverty either.

I'd get your family involved in organizing it, making it absolutely clear that everyone pays for their own meal. Some probably won't like it, but that's their problem. If you can't afford it, you can't afford it!